Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Positive and negative

So many people try to keep their blogs positive. It's a life-affirming space, a safe place, etc. I spend every day, all day, trying to be that way in the real world. This is my let it all hang out space, my safe place of negativity. When I hurt, I let it out here. When I'm tired, frustrated, depressed, alone, angry and resentful I come here and spew all the things I can't let out into real life.

My husband slept on the couch for the first time in our relationship last night. He said something I couldn't respond to. I'm in the uncomfortable spot of having nothing to say to him. My best friend. I want to call him up and bitch about him to him. That doesn't work. I am so totally fucked. I don't know what to do, I don't know what to say, I am wandering around here keeping it together for the kids but hurting. I am so hurt. I feel like I was cut deeply and am just getting over the shock of getting cut, and noticing that the wound is a nasty one.

My friend suggested therapy for us. I don't know. Therapy helps, but it is also very hard. John will probably say we don't need it. I don't know if we do or don't, I just know I'm feeling too tired for hard, or fighting, or much of anything right now. I want to be left alone to figure this out.

Is there a moment, do you think, when everything turns? Can a relationship survive if time passes between the break and the fix? Do you think things just wear down gradually over time, and you finally notice? Or did you know all along but denied it? I'm hoping this is a fight blown all out of proportion and I'm being dramatic. Let's all hope that.

Bleh.

Monday, June 27, 2011

Well, that was awkward.

I think I might want that to be my epitaph.

I'm not sure, though. It's how I feel most of the time.

It always seems awkward.

Talking with other people; relationships of all sorts. To top it off, I think I had a small epiphany tonight. It wasn't a comfortable realization, this. They never are. Good sometimes, bad sometimes. Change is hard on every front, and to an extent, relationships are always changing. So are our perceptions.

Awkward as these things are, they are worth it. I'm learning that. I'm also learning about about who I am and what I do. I feel like I'm waking up and starting to appreciate what's here. I'm also starting to see some things for what they are, and not all of them are pretty. It's OK, though.

:::::

I am alone most of the time. Well, alone in a sea of children. I have no one to talk to most of the day, and I love the little ones, but they fight me some days. On everything. It's 6 to 1. I have maybe three adults I talk to in a day, more than basic child info and small talk. Maybe. One is my mother, another is my husband. Two are friends. Oh, thank you friends. Whatever holy wonderful thing is out there, I know you because of friends. I would be so lost without you, and I never get to say that to you. When I try, it gets so awkward. (See how I brought that back right there?) But I really,really am so alone most of the time, but without all the silence and free time that implies. Just mentally alone. Usually I do just fine, but sometimes it sucks, like all things do. And then there are days like today, which are wonderful.

And then they end with fights and someone not knowing what to say or do. There is nothing to say, or do, really. You suddenly know where you stand, and it's a world away from where you thought. And all you can really do is go to bed and get up tomorrow and keep going until the words finally come and you know what to do. In the absence of words and direction inertia will suffice.

Monday, June 20, 2011

Over a year. What?

Oh, my.

The kids got big.

The world has changed.

I have purposefully and then forgetfully neglected this blog, and there are no promises that I'll keep it up after this. I'd like to, but there are only so many hours in a day, you know?

Let's get you up to date:
  • E did great at Karate. Then they changed the times and ages so we had to pull her out. We are now trying to get her back in at the dojo we liked. We'll see?
  • B will be 2 in 3 weeks.
  • Her nickname is Tiny Tyrant.
  • E is the best big sister I've ever met. She is worshiped by B, and loves her little sister dearly.
  • E also entered Kindergarten a year early. She took the test, blew us away, and was the first child this particular school system let in early. We are still reeling.
  • All in all the school year went well. It wasn't without bumps, but E did a great job and is ready for 1st grade.
  • I now sell Mary Kay. It's been a very...interesting experience. I enjoy it, but not so much the God part.


Kids are up, I must go. This is life as we know it!

Saturday, May 29, 2010

And....cut!

I'd put this under Friday Night Follies, but technically it's now Saturday.

Hi!

It's been a fucking week.

The shingles is mostly over. The E is doing well, she had her first karate class tonight. It was wicked awesome. She looked adorable in her karate uniform, slithering down the mat like a snake. (Note to all parents: teach your child how to do push-ups before their first karate class, otherwise they do something that looks like humping the mat.) She had fun, she might learn some good skills like self discipline and confidence from these classes, and we are maybe giving her some useful skills.

I don't know-this just seems like a better skill for her to have than gymnastics or ballet. Perhaps it's a feminist thing, or maybe a practical one. Ballet is hell on your feet, as is ice skating on your (so much!) body, and gymnastics on your self image. Karate teaches you how to kick ass and the discipline not to. It seems like a good fit. Meh, we'll see?

B: gets tunes in her ears soon. Is walking holding on to one of my hands. Is trying very hard to talk while hearing us through fluid in both ears. We're guessing three weeks after tubes for complete sentences.

I'm tired. John's tired. He's the ass able to sleep however, and I'm the one up after midnight stupidly blathering away on my unread blog. In unrelated news, I switched out my nose stud for my super cool skull one a week ago or so, and switched it back the other night because the skull one hurts, apparently. These little details are the things no one needs to think about during their day.

Tomorrow I have an appointment for a half hour massage, a hydrotherapy tub, and a cut and style at my favorite salon. Courtesy of the husband for my birthday/mother's day. My hair is currently just past my shoulders. Usually in a ponytail. Super. Hot.

I'm going for a drastic hair change. If nothing else, I'm going for several hours on my own. Say it with me here: HELL YES MOTHER FUCKERS!!!

Maybe I need to get out more often.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

A bad name

Monday was the day of doctors, BMV and condescending old men. The ENT has scheduled B to get tubes on Wednesday of next week. She has a cold right now and is also teething, so I am crossing every body part I can manage that she doesn't get an ear infection in the meantime, which would screw everything up. I'm also taking next Thursday off, because the day after the surgery kids usually get a bit weirded out because everything is suddenly so loud.

I'm happy she's getting tubes because she'll feel better and hear better. I'm glad we live in a place where this is available. I'm glad she's OK.

After the ENT John took off to record a voice-over for Air Heads candy. Be on the lookout for a commercial on TV with a tie-in to a movie. He's the voice of the announcer on the commercial. It's his first national gig, and I am damn proud of my dude! My mom came over to help me out and ended up taking me and the girls to lunch. It was an AWESOME lunch! Then she took me to the ophthalmologist. He was a dick. A condescending pompous self important full of shit dick. I am calling his office tomorrow to tell his staff exactly that, and how much I loved the rest of the staff. That guy gives doctors a bad name, and I have dealt with enough of those doctors to no longer put up with their behavior. So I went home yesterday and looked at these faces, and I felt better.


After that I needed to go get my tags renewed and run some errands, but the shingles knocked me out instead. We got my Mom a power of attorney and she went to the BMV for me, while I went to sleep. I keep forgetting that this isn't just a rash-my body is fighting off a serious virus and needs to heal. Most people are knocked on their asses for a week at least with this. I was back at work today, albeit with a LOT of help from a wonderful friend and another couple of hours of help from my mom. I am one lucky lady!

But that doctor was still a dick. G'night!

Sunday, May 23, 2010

I hesitate to say I'm back...





Oh my fucking christ it's been a couple of months.

Right now my left eye is swelled shut thanks to shingles and my body's inability to fight that particular virus. I've had shingles round about 200 times at this point, starting in high school and culminating in right fucking now and I need to go see a mother-humping eye DOCTOR tomorrow to make sure I don't have any damage to my cornea because apparently I can go blind. From shingles in my eye. Dammit.

B has had one ear infection after another for over two months and sees the ENT bright and early tomorrow morning. She'll be getting tubes at 10 months. At this point, after having not slept and having dealt with the angriest baby on the planet for two whole glorious months, I say bring on the damn tubes! Let the baby feel better! Poor kid's last round of drugs ended badly-amoxicillian (or however the fuck you spell it) gives little ones a "yeasty rash." Her head hurts, her teeth are coming in, and her ass and little bits are itchy as hell. Baby needs a break, ya'll!

To top off the fun, E has decided to act out. We thought she had a bladder infection due to the peeing a bit in her pants all the time. Turns out that with B's ears and ass and whatnot getting all the attention, plus my super stressful 8 week college class of doom, and the general lack of sleep all around, my first-born felt overlooked and needed some attention. Keep in mind this isn't a calculated thing-kids just do this. Class is over as of noon today, and my little one is going to get lots of mommy time, since Mommy is supposed to rest and sleep and take it easy. (Note to other Moms: HA! also ha! hahahah, and what? does that ever happen after birth?) On the plus side, I have good drugs for the pain. Speaking of which, Imma go take some of those now.

I'll let you know how the Monday of Doctors and Woe goes.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Time? What?

Here are some images from my final project last quarter. The theme was age.

This is my bouquet from my wedding. Luckily the marriage has aged far better than the flowers.

Great, great grandmother's wedding china. Dude.

Antique store! Lurve you for saving my ass.



These two are from my family. They are old, that is all I know.

The picture below was in the antique store. The tag "Adopt a relative" cracked me up!


I have written so, so many posts in my head. They never seem to get here, though, and for that I apologize. The last few weeks have been rough in a new kind of rough way. It's been manageable. It has not, however, been pretty.

First, there was poopaggedeon. Or Poopacolypse. For two weeks the youngest three, the three that were potty training and also picking their noses and eating it (the gross just gets exponential there, doesn't it?) had the massive, explosive poops. It was horrible, and they weren't here through most of it. I have used ab entire bottle of bleach, almost.

Second, my eldest lost her fucking mind. I do not remember much about being 4, but I have seen a bit of it. At some point they go fucking insane. This has been happened, and we are mostly through it. I was extraordinarily relieved to find out she has not been screaming/hitting/scratching/ignoring etc etc etc at school. It sucks. I love her so much, though. Funny how that doesn't change a bit no matter how they're acting.Third, ear infections. We are on the second in just over two weeks. Combine that with a cold and teething, and my life is loud. My ears are ringing most of the day, the baby will not let me put her down or out of her sight, and the sleeping is not so much. I've said it before and I'll say it again-fuck you, teeth. You suck. I hate you.
Bright side: B is crawling, eating O's, playing peek-a-boo, singing, etc. She is a wonder and a joy. She has great lungs. I might be exhausted, but my kids are healthy and happy. Even the day care ones. Now. The poopening is over, the ear infections and teething will pass, and it'll all be OK. I'll sleep someday. After this short quarter is over, most likely. I'm not going to take an 8 weeks class again if I can help it. I am in serious shit here, trying to get my assignments done and still keep everything else together.

We booked our cabin for vacation sometime in the last few weeks. I am really, really excited for a vacation this year. Woo!

Fin.