Tuesday, July 24, 2007

The Blues is not just a river in Egypt....wait, what?

The past few weeks, more or less, have been a big pile of tired and frustrated, punctuated by insanely happy and wonderful times. However, right now I feel like a large, sad black man has taken my soul hostage and is singing the blues right into my brain...and it's not really as uplifting or as fun as I had hoped. J and I have always struggled with depression, so this is nothing new. But I want to cry right now; thank the god or gods of pity that it's nap time. Part of the malaise is that I found out today that a client I really wanted went somewhere else, part of it is the sleep funk. I'm not sure what the rest is, but I'm fighting this with organization (I'm cleaning out and re-organizing closets) and with loving my family. But I pity everyone else I'm around, because my little black cloud is not fun to get near. The kids here are exempt...I'm not going to let them have a bad day just because I am. But everyone over the age of 6? Watch the fuck out.

Friday, July 20, 2007

Easily distracted

So after a long and drawn out battle, not only are all 5 children asleep, I also have had a chance to eat. (I started making my lunch after 3 today...TGIF, for fuck's sake!) I have removed all the evidence of the wreck that was our lunch today, and am hoping the girls sleep until their mom gets here, cause damn. I need a break. Which is why I'm on the internets, right? The web is full of distraction, information, email, video and porn. Yet when I sit down my brain apparently flies directly out of my ass and I can't remember what the hell I wanted to look up. The Fuck? Was it sleeping patterns for toddlers? How to install carpet? Henna designs? I really really just don't know.

Tonight J and I are going to watch "Inferno" by Dario Argento. It's the second of his Mothers series (or something) and "Suspiria" was pretty good, so what the hell? We'll have some red wine, pass the hell out before the second act, and like Suspiria, have to try at least 3 times to get through it. It's not that the movie is going to be bad or boring, it's just that lately we've become old. And parents. Of Sumara. (She doesn't sleeeeeeep....) So no matter what our lovely intentions are, it's Friday and we're beaten. We need to lie down for a bit.

Tomorrow, however, tomorrow we will stay up until midnight! (Maybe!) We have a date night, with OVERNIGHT (jesuschrist if my mother cancels the overnight part at the last minute again I'm going to beat my head against a wall until I pass out) babysitting for our Wee. It's been at least 6 months since we had an actual date, what with really sleeping in and all the good shit like that, so I booked a bed and breakfast near where we're going to be. Which is in our town. But I'm really hooked on the idea of walking around our town, seeing a movie at our independent small movie theater, having a nice dinner and a few drinks, and having nothing pressing to do. Because we want to go to this nice, small theater we didn't have a huge selection of movies to chose from. We had exactly 3. Three. Movies. One of which is an Adam Sandler dump on screen, one is a serious documentary, and one was Transformers. Well, fuck. Transformers it is, because I WILL NOT BE DEPRESSED ON DATE NIGHT. When I confirmed our reservation at the B&B this morning, the nice lady upgraded us to the larger suite because no one else was staying there this weekend. I think I might bring her some flowers. Aside from the fact that is was a damn sweet thing to do, she also made sure she had Vegan breakfast for us. I am ready fro date night. I am ready fro a date, a good night's sleep, and not going to our troubled place of worship the next morning. J might go...that's fine with me. We need to check out by noon, so as long as I can get up, shower, eat, relax and walk over to our fellowship in my own damn time, I'm good.

About the UU Fellowship we belong to: I now firmly believe that people need leaders. Committees suck elephant ass, and too much discussion KILLS US ALL. Poor J is the President right now, so he feels like he must go. I have no such compulsion. My thoughts from the outset have been that, should this "church" thing become a hindrance rather than an uplifting part of our lives, well then friends, I'm out. O. U. T. = out. On one hand I love the people...well, some of the people. Most of the people. I wish no ill on all the people...but the inability to get anything done is one that drives me batshit. So on the other hand...I'm just ready to not have to get up every damn Sunday morning.

Gotta run!

Monday, July 16, 2007

Things and people: how to punch them?

Fuck a duck-this week is starting out like a cement enema. J's car decided to shit itself at the grocery store yesterday. AAA came out to the house to jump the car today (I rescued J at the store with Wee in tow last night, but this morning the car wouldn't start again.) We also had a meeting at out Unitarian Universalist Fellowship, a lay-led joint, and people managed to fuck up the simplest of meetings. To top it off AAA can suck my proverbial dick, I'm sick to death of parents that let their 2 1/2 year old get their way by screaming everywhere but at my house, and it's only Monday.

I have the trouble trio (3 sisters I watch-big county daycare clients!) today. Their mom told me she had a court date, and originally she alluded to her divorce. Turns out it was assault and menacing. She dropped the kids off at 7 am, and was supposed to be back in a couple of hours. "Hey!" I thought, "we can go have lunch with J! We can even get the battery changed while we're out! I can run the errands I need to, and maybe even stop and get a shirt for our first date in 6 months-our date THIS SATURDAY! before my 6 pm appointment with my potential new clients." The Universe, however, decided I needed a good whack to the head with a hard plastic bat. The mother of the Trio has not shown up. She may very well be in jail...and how would I know? AAA couldn't put a new battery in the car, because of some bull-shit of other. So I'm sitting in a house with 2 toddlers with mean tempers, NOT eating Chipotle, and realizing that there's no fucking way I'm getting anything done today. Except maybe invoices, but I'll tackle that tonight. Before I have a drink, if I do have a drink tonight. I might not...we'll see how the day goes. But INVOICES! Holy Pope on a stick Batman, INVOICES are more fun than CRACK! YAY!

Please, my sarcasm, I am trying to refine it into a weapon.

There are some good points to today though: I have shaved my legs. I even remembered to shave both of them, so today is not a total loss. I think I'm going to go lay down near the nappers, and just close my eyes.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Things my profile won't tell you

  1. I loves me some chocolate.
  2. I delight in using the phrase "I loves me some..."
  3. I like D&D geeks, but would hate to play the game.
  4. I adore reading comic books, but need my husband to remember plot-points for me.
  5. I run a day care out of my home.
  6. I need more patience.
  7. I love kids, but also feel like smacking some parents in the back of the head.
  8. I have fibromyalgia and insane dreams.
  9. I don't sleep well once I do fall asleep.
  10. I have always wanted to be an artist.
  11. I love my daughter more than anyone else in the world.
  12. I live in Ohio.
  13. This is my favorite number.

There is more to me than numbered lists, and since I'm writing this post with the idea that no one but my future self will read it, here's where I'm at right now:

I'm 29, which amazes me. I love horror movies because I am terrified and confounded by the idea of death. I don't want to die. I don't want to lose the people I love. I practice yoga as often as I can, because it helps me feel better in so many ways. I have always loved my husband, and am lucky to have found someone who is not only devoted and sweet, but is also truly in love with me. I've never understood this, and so I fought him off for 10 years. But I know of no other people that care for each other as much as we do. Please don't let this sentence bite me in the ass. Also: my biggest fear is my husband dying. Enough of the sap.

I'm off to try bed again. Better writing later!

Maybe she gets it from me...

So my kid? My kid is finally asleep. Her father read her to sleep, and his book of choice was Steven King's "On Writing" which I gave him for his 30th birthday. Which was in February. At least he's finally reading it. His X-mas present from'05 is a video game he's still never played.

The pain in the ass detail about all this is that I'm sitting here wide awake at 11:10 pm. I have insomnia, have always had insomnia, and it seems to get worse when I need sleep more. This leads me to believe that my child is more like me than I am ready to handle/too cold to hold. Sorry- anytime a phrase ends in "to handle" the phrase "too cold to hold" gets in my head and has to come out. The added bitch factor is that I don't feel comfortable taking a sleeping pill with a toddler in the house. So I'm up on the night when it's my turn to sleep. Fucktard.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Light on the horizon

I talked to the pediatrician's nurse today, and it seems my spawn has Separation Anxiety. This explains a lot, and the nurse gave us a very detailed and do-able plan to fix all that we have fucked up.

Tonight we've shipped our beloved child off to her Grandma's, making her very happy. We are having a few quick, very strong drinks and going to bed.

And my boobs? My boobs are 1) no longer the size of Texas; and 2) no longer feel like a panda is jumping on them. Thank the Holies.

Monday, July 9, 2007

Out of Desperation

I could introduce myself, but that's not the real story. The real story is that I have managed to give birth to a Force, and for the last week that Force has refused to sleep during the night. She's almost two now, and this household is getting a little desperate. My husband has been debating sleeping in the car. I'm ready to down a few very strong drinks and put in some ear plugs. Please, allow me to quote my favorite line from the original Wicker Man:

"Chhhhrrriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiissssssttttttttttttt!!!"

Because she's not human, man. I've been dancing like a grinder monkey keeping her little ass awake for the last four days, all in the name of her sleeping at night, like we humans do. The kid has been falling asleep while walking during the day, no shit. But as soon as the dark hits, game over, man. It's like the dark gives her an evil energy. She doesn't even cry, which would wear her ass out and give us some much needed rest. Nope. She YELLS for us. She bellows out instructions in a desperate pleading drill sergeant voice. "MOMMY COME HERE! MOMMY WAKE UP! MOMMY PET ME! MOMMY COME HERE! I NEED ORA-GEL! MOMMY GET ORA-GEL!" Never mind that the kid does NOT NEED ORA-GEL! It's a ploy. But I still sit in my room, bawling like a girl stood up on Valentine's Day, and wishing I could just convince her that life would be sunshine and cherries if she would just relax and go to fucking sleep.

So this is my Desperate Attempt. I need to keep sane, and maybe sharing with the Internets will give my the outlet I so desperately need. I expect no one to read this, and should someone just happen by, well then, SEND TODDLER AMBIEN.

Thanks.