I talked to the pediatrician's nurse today, and it seems my spawn has Separation Anxiety. This explains a lot, and the nurse gave us a very detailed and do-able plan to fix all that we have fucked up.
Tonight we've shipped our beloved child off to her Grandma's, making her very happy. We are having a few quick, very strong drinks and going to bed.
And my boobs? My boobs are 1) no longer the size of Texas; and 2) no longer feel like a panda is jumping on them. Thank the Holies.