Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Bad feelings and making up for it

This morning my kid woke up and stayed awake. It wasn't a horrible tiuldme for her to be up, either. It was closer to 7 than to 6, so I really can't complain. I asked her if she wanted to come lay down with Mommy in her Bed, if she could Lay Down Quietly. Of course she could. For three minutes, and then The Whinening began. It included punching me several times in the face, as well as several kicks to the face, for flavor. After the kick that made me see stars, and me trying everything I could think of to tell her NO, it is NOT OK to kick Mommy, I finally slapped her foot.

I hit my kid. It was on her foot, and it wasn't a hard slap that will cause damage, but I don't like it. I also don't like being kicked and hit all the time, and so I don't know what to do. The verbal repremand doesn't seem to be working, because she's in the play pen right now for kicking me again. Fuck this. I explained this morning that it hurt Mommy when she hits and kicks me, but this doesn't seem to be sinking in right now. Fucking two. The whining, hitting kicking testing screaming slapping telling me no, in all its glory, IT FUCKING SUCKS. I love my kid. But I can't stand this goddamn stage. At the same time, I didn't like the foot hitting. I don't want to do that. She needs to understand that she's hurting other people, but I don't want her to gain that lesson because I hurt her. So I feel like a shit, a frustrated kicked shit, and I know I'm going to spend today making sure she knows how much I love her. But I still don't know what to do about the hitting and kicking, screaming and whining.

So much of parenting is like this: you know you need to do something, but no one can tell you what will work and what won't. So now she has to say she's sorry and tell me she won't hit me or kick me in order to get out of the play pen. I want to be a good mother. I want to love this kid, give her all the best, including the best of myself. That little slap this morning? It was not my best. She's fine, but I may need a day or two to get over the sting of that slap.

No comments: