Thursday, September 20, 2007

Expanding on a Theme

The dreams continue.

Last night I was at a Drive In, and I was being pursued up the scaffolding behind the screen by an ex-boyfriend. I think I was telling him to go away.

Now, I don't have a lot of time in my life to contemplate the meanings of my dreams, so I usually just get bothered by them and then push the thoughts away. Today, however, the kids were being really good, and as I chopped cabbage and washed dishes I had some time to think.

When I wake up from the dreams of People Past, I am usually disturbed. I sometimes have a feeling of profound loss, and sometimes I feel like something important has just slipped through my fingers to shatter on the floor. You know, that gut-wrenching "shit!" feeling. I then feel guilty, because the dream was about a former lover, and I love my husband. I didn't ask to dream about other men, and I spend a lot of my time telling them to go away. I realized something today, however, that shed some light on the former flame theme. That's all I have: former flames.

I've never had a lot of girl friends, and when I did, some of them were girlfriends. I've never been particularly comfortable around other females. I find them catty, petty and devious. Guys are usually much more straightforward. At least with my guy friends I knew what they wanted and what they were thinking. And yes, I ended up sleeping with some of them. Because validation is a basic human need, and I got fucked up in the head somewhere along the way. That's life, and I wasn't a slut, just a confused kid who wanted to feel safe and loved. Digressing...

So most of the people in my dreams were my boyfriends because that's who my friends were. The reason I feel a loss is because I did lose something, and maybe I'm just realizing it. These people are exes for a reason. The loss is for who I thought they were. Why I'm still dealing with this subconsciously I don't know, but at least I know a little more about the situation. I've loved lots of people (and not in the carnal sense) and I've been hurt when things have ended. I've been extraordinarily lucky to have found a person that I believe is a soul mate, as ridiculous as that sounds when said aloud. I am thankful for my spouse daily. But to realize how much I love him, I had to break a lot of eggs, so to speak. The eggs are still in my head somewhere, causing trouble.

So we'll see what this realization does to the dream theme, and maybe my next post can be about puppies, or chapped lips, or anything the hell else.

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