Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Ah, Hell, I'll be the sappy one

I started typing a post last night and had to save it as a draft because it was dinnertime. It's going to stay a draft for the time being, because I've noticed that none of the bloggers I read have done a sappy New Year's Post yet, and I can't just let that slide.

Presenting the Sappy New Year's Post 2008:

Let it be said of 2008 that it sucked a lot of ass. I had my first experience having to euthanize a beloved pet; I lost another baby; went insane for most of the summer and, perhaps it could be said, most of the year. I behaved in ways I am ashamed of several times; I can not take those times back. Lots of good people died, but that's not specific to '08, it just sucks. I've lost people I cared about because they were false from the start, and that's always a sad thing.

On the other hand, I made lots of new, wonderful friends. Some I've met, some are just voices on the phone or words on a screen. Some are people I can drive to see. I've re-established friendships that I cherish, and have cemented friendships that have come to mean so very much to me. We have a new administration coming to the White House, and I am optimistic. Black president, perhaps the GLBT community will have equal rights soon. For the first time in ages, I am hopeful, and not because of a slogan, or one man, but because people in this sometimes backwards idiotic nation did something I agree with for the first time I can remember. My husband didn't leave me when I went insane, nor did my friends, or my family. While I'd gladly give up an arm or lung or the ability to eat sugar never to have a panic attack again, I would trade the knowledge that these people really do love me that much, well, I'd trade that for nothing. Except to save my daughter. She rocks.

I have hope because I am pregnant. I'm still nervous that something could go wrong, but I'm so happy to have another chance to be a Mom. I'm lucky. I'm grateful that if all goes well my daughter will have someone to love as a sister. Siblings are awesome. I'm grateful that she's still here, my little one. I'm thankful she's healthy and stubborn and creative. I love her stories. I love her smell. I love her more than my own life, and I hope I'm doing right by her.

In 2008 I started a wildly unsuccessful business with my best friend. To hell with success! I'd rather have Beck. I've learned how to make jewelry, to knit a little better, to let go of perfection and to forgive myself and others for being stupid. We're all stupid, some of you just hide it better. We're all bright, too. And human. Seeing that again this year has been a torturous gift. I've read some wonderful books, and watched some horrible movies.

There is one thing about New Years that I think of every year. Sadly it;s from Ally McBeal, and that fact that I remember that is odd in and of itself. Anyway, there was scene, and one of the characters said this:

"If you look back on the past year and you don't laugh and cry at least once, the year was wasted."

Maybe that shouldn't be in quotes, I'm not vouching for the accuracy of the quotation. It's a "near as I can remember" sort of quote. But nevertheless, it's true. Painfully true. Which means that the last year wasn't wasted, not by a long shot. While I hope the next year is better, and easier, and happier by far, I also hope I never forget the past one. I learned a lot about this world, other people and myself. These are lessons I don't want to repeat, so I will keep them close to my heart, as hard as they are.

May your life by filled with peace, love, laughter and kindness. May you have plenty, and freedom, and dreams and hope. May you be filled with loving kindness, and be happy in this life, just as it is.


Monday, December 29, 2008

For the Ladies

Amanda Palmer rocks. Sony asked her to re-shoot this because they didn't like her belly. She refused. More than that, though, this song makes me feel ridiculously good. Enjoy!

Friday, December 26, 2008

I'm still worn out from the past two days

Since you were dying to know, the lasagna thing went just fine. It tasted great, we ALL ate it (with no friggin comments from either side) and in general had a splendid time. My parents are off tomorrow to their cabin in North Carolina until Jan. 4th. We are home and alone today, which is wonderful. I tried to clean and re-organize the kitchen, wore myself out, took a nap and am now trying to get the gumption up to continue. This kid seems to have a straw that goes directly to my energy, and he/she sucks it right the hell out. I'd love to sleep for DAYS! But the crap overflowing off every flat surface in the kitchen calls to me.

The Christmas Eve celebration went well; E got a barn with animals and a farmer from her Aunt and Uncle (my sister and her boyfriend), and when she saw the big box it came in her face was priceless. Just imagine a 3 year old getting a present as big as she is, and you can imagine the look. Unfortunately, this kind of took all the "umpf" out of X-mas morning for us, because the girl was tired, there weren't as many presents as there were at Grandma's, and did I mention tired? Tired makes her surly. She left out a banana, a carrot and a cookie for Santa, along with milk. She was not impressed that most of it was gone; some was left. And on and on. She was actually pissed that Santa didn't come say hello to her. Today's been great, though, so John and I are pretending it's still X-mas, and E has been a champ.

Tomorrow we're heading off to Hocking Hills for a day trip to go hiking. It's supposed to be, no shit, 70 here. E is so excited she's been bouncing around and talking to Frosty about hiking all day! It's going to be beautiful there; I can't wait, either.

Present round-up: John got Guitar Hero, The Nuggets Box Set, A four pack of Habenero sauces and a cryptozoology t-shirt from me. E got a lap desk and elf pencils made out of sticks (not impressed), a panda shirt, a pooh computer game for toddlers and a basketball. I think there was one more, but my brain is fighting me. John got me a AeroGarden, which is the coolest hydroponic garden ever! It's also too big to fit under the cabinets in our kitchen, so we're figuring out where to put it. There was also a Wii Fit! Woot! I can't wait to see what my BMI is while preggers. And if there's no pregnant option, I'm looking forward to watching my Mii get fatter and fatter. (We told E about her impending big sister-hood, by the way. Again, not impressed.) I also got some maternity clothes, along with a tiny onsie that has a Franken-Fish on it. Too cute. And my Mom gave me a solar powered charger, which is something I love and didn't even know that I'd wanted. My Mom is the best.

I hope your holiday was wonderful, too! I'd love to hear what your favorite gift was, and if you got anything that made you wonder about the people you love. I'm off to conquer the pantry while John rocks out with Guitar Hero. Talk to you soon!

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

WTF, 12/24?!

I have no idea how the hell it's Christmas Eve. I still need to make my sister's apron (by tonight-my family celebrates on the Eve, extended family on the day) and her necklace. Not everything is wrapped, and I have one of the kids today. All day. Luckily John's only supposed to work a half day, so we may just get it done. Maybe. Shit.

To top off the X-mas insanity, everywhere else in the freaking world is getting snow, except us. Los Vegas? Seriously? Our high today is 49, tomorrow is 26. And it's supposed to rain all day, which means driving in an icy wonderland! I'll try to take some pictures as we do donuts on the way to Grandma's house. I wish I was kidding.

In other holiday related news: John is Frosty, according to E. She's been missing him, since it's the end of the month and year, and he's been working late. Last night she threw a huge fit and then fell asleep at the kitchen table waiting for him to get home. He ended up getting there just in time for bed, and I've never seen a girl so happy to see her Daddy. It was very sweet, even with the screaming beforehand. (Note: three is loud, volatile and fierce. Also so sweet it kills you.) We are also having some X-mas day food issues, which are going to drive me over the edge. My Dad made a lasagna for us, so we wouldn't have to bring our own food. Except he may not have used vegan cheese, so John has an issue with it. Which is irritating my father, who was just trying to do something nice. I am in the middle; I'm not vegan while pregnant. And I am willing to make exceptions if I don't purchase the offending dairy. During Passover there is a prayer you say that is supposed to make any remaining bread in the house "just as if it were unleavened." I use this idea for things like the damn lasagna Dad made. John, whom I love beyond reason, is not so flexible. He's really an all-or-nothing guy, and he is stubborn as a freaking mule. So tonight we may have a pleasant scene where I watch the people I love try not to piss each other off with limited success. People, drink for me tonight!

Is anyone else craving peanut butter at 2 am every morning?

The kitten has been chasing the old cat around mercilessly for days. One of them is going to snap soon. Poor old kitty.


Monday, December 22, 2008


As you might have guessed by the title, today's visit went well. Our baby has a fully formed skull, brain is doing well, and my official due date is July 4th. Two arms, two legs, head, ass and umbilical cord all present and accounted for! WOOOOOO!!

I have been cleared to take Excedrin Migraine for the headache I have had since Thursday, thank christ. It was resistant to Tylenol Extra Strength, which is the equivalent of taking baking soda and pop rocks. For the first time in nearly 5 days I don't feel like the next loud noise could incite me to either suicide or violence. Hurrah!

OK, so details. I don't want to eat at night. My food aversions right now seem to be everything except blood orange Italian soda, pretzels and occasionally ice cream. I ate a Frosty today and was amazed at how different those things taste after 4 years. And the fries? They sucked. I'll try again in 4 years, maybe they'll be good again. But once it hits 6:30 I want no food. In two to three weeks that will hopefully be gone, but we'll have to wait and see.

The OB told me to stay on Lexapro, which I'm not sure about. The other two docs highly recommend I wean off after 12 weeks, and I trust those ladies more than this old guy, so I'm going to talk to John and do some research, but my plan is to wean down for two weeks, see how I do, then wean down again. To nothing. Old dude may not be happy about it, but it's my body and my baby, and he's the douche that prescribed Welbutrin for anxiety while I was nursing E . (Very. Bad. Idea.) In short, I do not trust him with medication.

Baby stats: Size of a lime! Brain is presumably fully formed, hands and feet are kicking. Baby was stubbornly napping when we got to see it. The doctor kept poking my belly, which made me laugh, and eventually the baby woke up and basically did the turn-over-and-grunt thing. which was hilarious to see. At one point, trying to get the little peanut to move, the doctor poked with the ultra sound wand. The one in the sensitive area. (Still internal at this point folks.) Which led to not only an awkward and unpleasant feeling, it also made me pee my pants right there. Which would have served him right, I think. Ugh is the only thing I can say about that point of the exam. And bleck.

We're going to tell E about her impending sisterhood for Christmas. I can't wait! Well, it's time to light Hanukkah candles. Happy holidays, and hopefully pics tomorrow!

Wednesday, December 17, 2008


OK, internets, my lack of posting has not been due to the tired, which is severe. I woke up last Friday to a dead modem. DEAD. Verizon sent us a new one, but it didn't get here until last night. I had to go out X-mas shopping like people do. China is everywhere! I managed to avoid most of it, and even got a lot of stuff made by Tibetans, but it was still a rushed and harrowing experience. I'm too damn tired and sick to get anything made right now, and with Etsy out of my reach my handmade holiday goal went up in flames. Tons will still be handmade, just not all of it like I'd hoped. Heck, I'm OK with that as long as baby is doing good!

John and I go for the 12 week ultrasound and Big Check-Up on Monday. This is where the Doc will check to see if there are any nueral tube defects visible, make sure baby is growing fast enough, etc. It's a big one because this is when we found out our first baby wasn't going to make it after birth. Which is why John is going with me. Everything's probably fine, but having my best friend and husband with me will be very reassuring! I'd like to have Beck there, too, but there's only so much of me she needs to see, if you get my drift.

Um, wow. I was going crazy with things to write about when the modem was dead. Now I'm blank. And I need to change a diaper, based on the smell that just wafted by. So, I'll talk to you later. To poop and gingerale!

Thursday, December 11, 2008


Internets, I am tired. Whole body, drainingly, horribly tired. I have been laying down in bed almost immediately after I put E to bed. I spend all day exhausted, then sleep funky at night.

I am actually so tired it hurts. I hope to really post again soon, but for now I need to wrangle children and lay on the floor.

*face hits the keyboard*

Monday, December 8, 2008


A few things that have been on my mind:

First, Schuyler. The little girl who is fighting a huge monster might have started having absence seizures, which is a scary and potentially horrible thing for her family. Please keep them in your thoughts. Such an honest and wonderful and open family needs some love right now, and the kicker is there's nothing we can really do but think of them. I've never met Rob or Julie or Schuyler, except in my dreams last night, but I've been reading about them for years. It's odd, feeling so close to someone that you don't know and who doesn't know you. It's also wonderful, because Schuyler and her parents have a lot of support from people they've met briefly or not at all, and while that's not a cure for Schuyler, it's a lot of love her way. Ah, hell, I wish I could hug her and slay that monster for her, dammit.

Second, this post has been on my mind since I read it. I have no idea who she's talking about, but it made me go back and look at my writing. I use this blog as a place to vent, to talk about my interests, and to keep up with people I've never met, or know very well. Most of all, I use this as a way to pour out the millions of things I have to say daily but there is no one here to hear. Sure, there are toddlers, but you'd be surprised at the stuff you can't say to the under 5 set. All the same, it made me I say things that are mean sometimes? Even if it's not intentional? Probably. I have a dark and sarcastic streak a mile wide, but it's never meant to hurt anyone. It's also not really meant to be seen my the person I need to vent about, which is why very few people I know know about this place. So I'm torn between having this place where I let loose about what I need to, and the fact that it's a public place whether I advertise it or not. Do I want to hurt anyone? No, no I don't. But I also need to get the crap out of my brain sometimes. I'll be thinking about this for awhile.

Third, I'm losing one of my clients. The economy hit this family pretty hard, and they have more pay cuts coming. They apparently also spent their savings on their last vacation, which blows my mind. Therefore they are moving their kids to a daycare with a sibling discount ( I only have one of the little ones) and to a place that is uncertified. Unlicensed. A place that has had quite a few family problems, not the least of which included the children wandering down the street crying and saying that they "couldn't find their parents." These same children have also vandalized a few backyards. I hope that things are going better for them now, and that this whole thing works out for everyone involved. I'm worried about the little one I love, but I'm also hopeful that the new situation will help her bond with her brother, give her a routine and help with the myriad of behavioral problems she has.

On one hand, this leaves me with one less problem-her behavior and random schedule. Also, who to cut once the baby arrives. On the other hand, it also leaves me one full time slot short, and I know that one kid is going to part time after I pop. So I need to find one full time non-infant. I'm hoping word of mouth will do the trick. I'm also sad that we're losing a member of the family, as much as she is. She's a sweet, crazy, happy little girl and I'm glad she lives close, because watching her grow up has been so much fun so far. I guess I just want to see her do well, which is why I both worry and am hopeful about the new place she's going. Meh, I'm blathering on now.

OK, so this was going to be a craft show post. If not tonight, then tomorrow. It was a great show, and my butt still hurts from the metal seats. How's that for a teaser? Guess how much I made and leave it in the comments. Closest one wins a prize!

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Week 10

OK, to curb the constant preggo chatter, I think I'm going to do a weekly update. I might slip a bit in here or there on other days, but really, how much about my gestation do you need to know? Doing this will hopefully get me back to talking about the stuff I'm making more often. And on that note, tomorrow will be dedicated to the craft show I went to on Friday! (Preview: Super Fun! Kinda cold! Made some money!) So forgive my tiny brain. I don't know for what. I'm nauseous.

Week 10~ Nosebleeds. I have two in the past 5 days. Part of the problem is dry air, but just a bit. Mostly it's that I'm generating more blood, and my nose isn't cool with that. I had a bunch last time, too. I'm MUCH less freaked out this time, knowing that it isn't some sort of crazy sign that something is wrong. Nope! By the second trimester you have roughly double the volume of blood in your body. Sometimes you spring leaks.

Another fun development is the headaches. I get one nearly ever evening, and they usually accompany some fairly debilitating nausea. While pregnant your choice of pain reliever is Tylenol. I'd prefer Vicodin, based on my headaches, but I stick with Tylenol because I'm not an idiot. It usually takes the edge off, so that I can lay groaning on the couch in more comfort. I seem to get sick if I don't eat often enough, don't eat enough or I eat too much. Also, if I eat The Wrong Thing. Sometimes I know what The Wrong Thing is after one bite, or by smell, but sometimes I find out after. Which sucks. I'll leave you to imagine the details.

The good news is that I now have a bump! I'll post pictures once I get to twelve weeks, but I look way more pregnant than I am. I bought maternity pants over the weekend, and I want to sleep in them. Except for one thing: Be Warned Breeders! Maternity clothes do not contain pockets. I have no idea why, but once you become pregnant you are no longer expected to carry things on your person. I've spent the past to days in a futile effort to stash my chap stick and a tissue for the next nosebleed. I'm pretty sure a thin, misogynistic man designs maternity clothes. Hey dude! My boobs fit into nothing you've designed! Screw you! Stupid dick.

We've decided to tell E about her sibling status for Christmas, providing everything looks good at the 12 week ultrasound Dec 22. One of my friends has also promised to help me make a doll for E to bring home from the hospital like the girl does in one of her old favorite stories, "Baby Dearest." It's not as creepy as it sounds, honest.

OK, I've gotta go. Evening sickness. To the toilet!

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Let's talk about crafts, boobs and excrement.

No, seriously. Let's do!

I spent most of today sewing, with two fabulous bags as the result. I've got quite a list of stuff together for the show Friday, and more to come. I had the brilliant idea to make some large marble magnets out of some vintage labels I have a book of, and despite some serious printer crap I think they are going to look great. I do need to hit a color copier soon, though. In all honesty, I don't have half of what I'd thought I'd get done. It's the pregnant. I'm so very, very tired, and when it comes down to sew vs. nap, nap wins lately. Actually, nap has been winning against all craft, cleaning and pretty much everything else, except eating. I have never been this hungry in my life. and I used to smoke A LOT of weed.

Given my hunger, I'd be very worried about the pregnancy except for the quality of the hunger and the sick that both eating and not eating now creates. Also, my boobs. They are bigger and still very sore. This pregnancy has been different in every way from the one with E, but familiar enough that I am not freaking out and assuming impending miscarriage. Which is nice! Plus, hormones are moving in, and for the first time in recent memory I am getting relaxed and happy without the aid of wine, etc. And the boobs! I have lost weight everywhere but boob and tummy. Which makes me look like a stacked Buddha at times, but I'm OK with that. I'm also breaking out like a teenager again, which while irritating, is yet another good sign. (That pregnancy glow? It starts in the 2nd trimester, and is caused my your oily skin getting used to being oily so you don't break out as much. That and the happy hormones. Pregnancy is not as sexy as you might hope.) The sad news about my boobs is that the kitten accidentally scratched the ever loving shit out of the right one today. She was investigating my sewing machine, and when I went to move her it apparently scared her. Her response was to attack my hands (both are wounded and covered in band-aids) then leap onto my chest, claws out. My right nipple will probably have a nice scar, and it smarts like the dickens right now. Can't blame the cat, though. She was just reacting to her environment. Next time I'll use the squirt bottle. From a distance.

Now, onto the poop! This could also be called "Things they don't tell you about pregnancy, Part 5." With E, not only was I unable to eat or think about food without horking, I also couldn't poop. This is such a common problem in pregnancy that the prenatal vitamin samples my doctor gave me proudly proclaim on the front that they include a stool softener! (I told you, it's just not sexy.) I will tell you more about these vitamins in a later post, because they deserve their own time. Trust me.

I had to leave work a few times because of the cramping from constipation, and even spent over an hour during a concert in the thankfully well-kept bathroom at the venue, wishing for death or the ability to poop. At that point I would have been happy with either. The iron in prenatal pills is one common theory for this, and it is also known to add to the nausea. Which needs no help, thank you. The good news is that the experience of being knocked up is not the same for everyone, nor is it the same each time. I have certain hallmarks I looks for, but this one has been so very different from E's. I can eat! I only want certain foods, but it beats the hell out of crying every time someone mentions food then going to throw up. I have also avoided the worst of the not-pooping (as I'm sure you were dying to know) and I am grateful (GRATEFUL!!) for that. I was mortified last time, while sitting on the toilet for a long stretch, reading my "What To Expect" book, to find out that you can actually give yourself hemorrhoids by pushing to hard to poop. The list of indignities at that point was endless. Hemorrhoids was the last straw. I refused to get them, and that was that. One of my friends, after the birth of her second child called into work to tell us she was fine. Her actual first comment was "No hemorrhoids!" After a healthy child and no major repairs in your downstairs area, it's the best news a new mom can hope for.

Have a good day!

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

I hear the snow a'comin...

It's cold and blustery here, but despite three days of snow falling to the ground none of it has stuck. E got a snowman kit for her birthday and is itching to use it, so this snow flurry thing is driving her close to insane. Poor thing!

Speaking of snowmen, mine are started. That's all. I also started a bag last night, but I was then so tired I just went to bed. I'm going to make a Macro of one of my ultrasounds: "I'm in ur womb, stealin' all ur energiez!" Oh hell, like I'll have the energy for that, even. Tonight E was supposed to go to her Grandma's house so that I could get some serious craft show work done, we could check out a pre-school, get some Christmas junk taken care of, and have a date. Instead my poor Mom is laying on her couch triumphant that she got her pants on without throwing up. I took her some crackers and ginger-ale, and fed the horses for her. I hope she feels better! Not even for the baby-sitting, just because I know how miserable it is to be that sick. She thinks it was some chili she ate yesterday. Ugh. John said I should have mentioned the vegetarian angle, and how there is less food-borne illness for veggies, but I told him she was in no condition to hear it. My parents are also having the siding on thier house replaced, so as she lays there trying not to puke she also has to hear "BANG! BANG BANG BANGBANGBANG! BANG!" I asked her if I should send the guys away and she nearly screamed "NO! I want my house FINISHED!" Sound familiar Beck?

So today while we're out I'm going to get a few things to finish the snowmen, and then I'm going to finish what I can with what I've got. There were a bunch of things I wanted to get, but I can't remember what they were. My brain is getting slower and more muddled daily. Yoga is also getting a little odd, what with the belly starting to get in the way. I've lost weight everywhere else, but the belly is getting rounder. I went down a size after E, so now all my available pants are too tight, but it's not quite maternity clothing time. Skirt making time!

And that's all I've got. I'm spent-back to the couch!

Monday, December 1, 2008

Holy December, Batman!

What a year! 2008 has been a tough one, but I'm hoping it ends on a high note. It's on the right path; we had a very lovely thanksgiving and weekend. John's Dad ended up in the emergency room Friday morning, but that ended up being a good thing, since he needed medical staff to tell him to sleep and eat. He looked a lot better by the time we left Sunday. In fact, John's whole family is doing well, and aside from a cat shitting in our room while we were taking E to an Aviary, the weekend went off without a hitch.

My girl fed Lorries! I have pictures, but we've all been to tired to actually do anything except lay around on the couch, so I haven't uploaded them yet. The aviary we went to was quite fun, and it had a great free flight show! My favorite was X the Owl, who was huge and had gorgeous large orange eyes and flew silently right over E's head twice. Her favorite was Minnie the crow who took her dollar and stuffed it in the donation box. The best part of the whole trip was seeing E feed the lorries, though. The look on her face was wonderful to see. I wish I could have been in with her, but pregnant women were discouraged. So I watched, and that was fine.

After the aviary we went to watch our nephew play basketball, and it was a good game. I'm not even a sports fan, and this was exciting! His team won, which was nice for him, but the best part was watching friends play on opposite teams and try not to just goof around. After the game we went to a big light and Christmas show thing at a farm. Not my bag, but the kids and in-laws had a great time. I also found some snowmen to make for Friday's craft show. I'm going to spend this afternoon making stuff. And tonight. And some time everyday this week until Friday.

I've tired myself out writing this, so I'm off to the couch. Hooray vacation!

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Happy Tofurky Day!

We've had a great morning here. I've printed out some free hand sewing patterns, John has cooked his ass off, and I'm off to put icing on a dual birthday cake. (Mom and sister!) I hope your day is filled with good food, laughter and love. E stays with the grandma and pa tonight, and I'm thankful for the extra sleep we're going to get!

Lotsa love from the midwest to you!

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

The Poop

Hooray! Today's OB visit went really well. So well, in fact, that I don't need to go back until Dec. 22nd. John will be going with me, because that will be my 12 week checkup! It's a big one, because that's the one where my Dr. will check for any neural tube defects. It's also the checkup that will tell us if everything will be OK, at least in our minds. Because it's been the make or break appointment before. Wonderfully, the yolk sack is still the right size, the heart beat was perfect, the little one was a lovely blurry white blob 1.26 cm long, up from .48 cm last time. We've got a blueberry with stubs!

The rest of today wasn't as fantastic; one horrible poop explosion, two potty training misfires and a nearly four year old acting like a sick, crabby child. (She was a sick, crabby child so it made sense. Still irritating, though.) Two boys, well, they were typical them today. I'm looking forward to vacation next week, a whole lot.

Tonight I'm going to do some sewing or beading to get ready for the craft show next week. Or I'm going to start something then realize how tired I am and go to bed. Yet another reason to be thankful about vacation-I'll have the time AND energy to do stuff!

Hooray! And I hope your Thanksgiving is relaxing...

Monday, November 24, 2008

Feelin so bad I feel good

Every day seems to go through a pattern now: starving, eat, extremely nauseous, starving, repeat. Throw in random exhaustion and you've got my weekend in review. This is actually a very good thing, because it means that I'm still pregnant. So I'm feeling like crap and happy about it.

I have Yoga tonight, which might be a bit of a challenge. Last week, when I wasn't feeling as bad I had to keep stopping and taking drinks of water; Downward Facing Dog seems to be a big puke trigger for me. So I'm interested to see how tonight goes. I'm going to take it really easy!

Tomorrow is my next OB appointment. I'm looking forward to seeing how much bigger the little one is, and seeing that reassuring heartbeat. My appointment is at 1:15, so expect an update sometime after that.

In the craft section of this post, I bought some fleece over the weekend to make some plush presents for our little family members. I also bought some shrink wrap that you can shrink with a hairdryer to wrap the soaps and things I'll be making baskets and gift sets out of. I've shredded magazines to make the raffia for the baskets and boxes, I've made recycled magazine bows for on top. I've quite a bit left to do, like putting the soaps together, cutting and packaging the other soaps, finishing sewing, etc. John's going to do some cooking to help with the handmade gift giving, which takes some of the pressure off me.

Last but not least, I didn't post recipes because reading them made me sick. So I'm going to copy and send them, and then we'll both be happy!

Friday, November 21, 2008

Thank you!

It's Friday. The kids are (shhh!) being really good, the day is sunny and nap time is fast approaching. Tonight we're going t watch a horror movie, and tomorrow we're going to make popcorn and watch the double feature version of Grindhouse in our Roku/Netflix box. Hooray! I'm babysitting from noon to 6, which should be interesting. I think I may take the kids to JoAnn's and the kid pit in the mall, just for a trial run in dual kids out and about action. Woo hoo!

I went on line to purchase some of the stuff I saw a the craft show over the weekend, but several of the places were sold out. El sucko! So I'm going to try my hand at some stuffed animal type stuff in the next two weeks, along with the other stuff I'll be doing. I have a craft fair to go to on Dec. 5th, so I need to get my ass in gear. I work best under pressure anyway. Beck noted last time she was here that E is a procrastinator, too. Damn! Guess you have to take the good with the bad, right? Anyway, I'm hoping to take one day of vacation and do nothing but make stuff to give away and sell. This is, of course, a crazy pipe dream, but it's my pipe dream and I love it. I also like to dream about sleeping in, sleeping through the night, and being independantly wealthy. Oh, and my favorite, plates and plates of chocolate chip cookies that make me skinny, my boobs back up near my chest, and give me a fabulous ass. You know, the small importnant things that aren't world peace or an end to hunger.

One of the vendors at the craft show was handing out cards for this store. The beauty is that you can order from most of the vendors online, in case you're like me and can't get the hours and hours necessary to drive to the store and home. Ahh, online shopping, I do adore you!

Last but not least, Ms. Holly Lynne, I have a shit-load of recipes for you. I'm going to paste them here over the weekend for you, so you can enjoy for the holidays. Keep a weather eye out for the cashew chutney; I've never met anyone who hasn't become instantly addicted to it. Honestly.

Hope you have a great weekend!

Thursday, November 20, 2008

hormones and observations

For the last ten minutes I've been watching Goldie the kitten play with a cooked pea. It's amazing; she's been batting a small, soft green ball around, catching it and releasing it, all without squishing it. She really is a gentle cat, even if she must prove how fierce she is to my feet each night in bed. She's not just gentle, though, she's also a veggie cat. She loves peas, carrots, cooked celery, parsnips and cabbage. She's also eaten spaghetti, but it was covered in red sauce, so I hold that the veggie reasoning stands. I knew cats were supposed to eat a herbivore diet naturally, I just never seen it in action. Oh, and my water is better than any other water in the house, of course. Which means I'm getting new water all the time. She sticks her paws in it.

If you read the deleted post, all I can say is this: there are a LOT of hormones racing around in my gassy, nauseous body right now. Every pregnant woman I've ever known, myself included, has been a little insane from time to time. One minute things are great, the next minute you're insane, fifteen minutes later you're asking everyone why they're looking at you like that. The good news is that most of this subsides sometime during the second trimester. The bad news is it gets more intense at the very end of the third right on into postpartum, which as we all know is a crap shoot. I think I'm forming a theory about life being very much a Roulette Wheel. Oh, just pretend it's clever for now. I'll come up with something better later.

My hormone state right now is hovering somewhere between tired, "leave me alone" and cuddly. I can't wait for the calm to kick in! Also, I am either starving or never want to see food again, which is a pleasant change from my pregnancy with E. I didn't eat anything substantive for weeks with her. Except cake. My cravings are very much centered right now around vegan ice cream, apples, canned peas and grilled cheese sandwiches. I have no idea how that could make any sense, but there it is. It's a fun ride folks. Keep your arms and legs in at all times.

If all goes well, I'll be tapering off my Lexapro in 5 weeks or so. First from 20 to 10, then from 10 every day to 10 every other day. Each stage will last about a week, and then I'll be on my own. I'm looking forward to that, too, because if not for how bad it got after the last miscarriage, I would have been off my meds for two months prior to trying. Dooce just announced she's preggers, too. I wonder how she handles the crazy while pregnant? I'd email, but her announcement got over 2500 responses at last glance, and I doubt she'll have the time to read my email and respond. Anyway, wish her luck, OK? She's a funny and nice lady.

And now, it's time to take a girl up for her bath, then sneak back downstairs to make my grilled cheese with tomato and lettuce. And Peanut Butter Zig Zag vegan ice cream. And maybe some Kalamata Olives. Wow. I think I just made myself hungry and grossed myself out at the same time.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008


Last entry deleted. I needed to get that out, but it was more thinking on the computer than anything I really wanted to leave here. The situation is solved, so no harm no foul, I hope.

So! On to craft: I tried my hand at fabric postcards last night. I was working on them while grumpy and nauseous, so I only attempted one. I did both sides, though, meaning that I did two fronts instead of a front and a back. I learned a lot! Like if you put a lightweight white over a dark blue, you might want to use two layers or rethink your plan. I also tried making the peppermint pattern Beck showed me last time she was here. She is the creative one. I am the one with no talent. At least according to the peppermint fabric postcard. They were a lot of fun, and I'm going to make many more. I'm just going to plan them first.

I also tried to finish the quilt (unless you're serious about quilting, then let's call it a blanket to avoid giving you an anuerism.) that I made for E for her birthday. I wanted to post a picture of it, but so far I haven't been able to. Because of the #$^%&*@ binding. The binding is a satiny, light blue piece of frustrating crap I bought at JoAnn's. No matter what I do I can not get the damn thing to get on the edge of the quiltlet. It's crooked, the corners look like they were done by a syphilitic monkey on drugs, and I keep giving up in frustration. I'm going to rip it off this weekend and try to figure something else out. Either my own binding or bias tape. I want to get this done so E can actually use it. It's classic Pooh, and she keeps asking about it. Bad Mom!

I need to finish up my holiday planning, too. Gifts need made, purchased from Etsy and packaged. I need to paint the boxes I'll be putting gifts in, construct necklaces and other jewelry, sew hats and shower curtains and aprons and lap quilts. Or, I need to buy a lot of things on Etsy, or invest in gift cards. It all depends on how I hold up!

What about you? What are you working on right now?

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Drum Roll please!

This is Goldie!

This is Goldie's first nap after 18 hours of crazy.

A girl, her kitten and her comic book. Life is sweet when you're 3!

This is on her birthday, just before cake.

OMG! Cake! Today is the birthday party with family and cousins. Adding Goldie to the mix ensures chaos, so it's sure to be a lot of fun. Also: I am now officially nauseous. To the max. Hooray/Ugh!

Friday, November 14, 2008

Have you ever heard of pregnant brain?

Pregnant brain is when you become pregnant and suddenly lose the ability to think, remember what you were or are doing, and can not finish a sentence. If you think you are already like this, believe me, it gets worse!

Take, for instance, that I COMPLETELY BELIEVED that I had posted the results of yesterday's OB visit. Sorry to keep you in suspense! THERE WAS A HEART BEAT!!! I could even see it! That is a really good sign, folks. Really good. The doc measured the yolk sac (Straight from my body to your plate!), the embryo size and the heart rate and they were all where they were supposed to be. The pregnancy is high in the uterus, again good, and my ovaries look fine. I'm 6 weeks along, due July 6. WooT!

To celebrate I got myself some of my favorite hummus from a local Greek joint. It's the kind of hummus I could lay down and roll around in; so full of garlic some of our friends can't eat it. After having some all life forms avoid you for days. It's great! I then drove to the Humane Society and decided on E's kitten. Otherwise known as the K-I-T-T-E-N around here. I chose the one without the heart murmur, only because the staff said that the kitten might not do well in stressful situations. 6 kids might be stressful. So I chose Stormy (soon to be re-named, I'm positive) who is mostly white, with various spots of different types of tiger. She's about 10 weeks old, pictures to be posted this weekend. I can't wait to see E's face tonight! The current cat, however, may not look so pleased.

Let's see, lastly, Bertha konked out on me last night. She keeps getting big tangles in her bobbin area, and I don't know what to do. I've tried everything I know, and am going to search all of the available internets for advice today. My fear is that I have adjusted her into needing servicing. HELP! Please, if you know anything about this problem, leave me a tip in the comments. I feel like an idiot.

Well, I'm off to eat. I keep forgetting to do that too, as odd as it sounds. Which leads to me being woozy. So I'm going to find something that sounds good, slam it down, and get the kids down for nap. Then I set up E's room for kitten! I hope you have a great weekend, and if you're feeling share-y, let me know what you're doing. We're having the Official Birthday Party for a certain 3 year old. And I'm going to a craft show with my friend Karen. And sleep. Lots of sleep.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Well crap

Can I be honest and everything? Thanks!

I am fucking freaking out. The next couple of weeks are the scariest, and tomorrow is like a kick off into terror for me. I'm ready to cry, and after today with the kids I'm ready to cry even harder. We ended up having an OK day, but I'm just not up for fighting 6 kids all day long when I feel like I need to sit down with a half gallon of ice cream and a tear jerker. Or drinking a gallon of wine, which I can't do, obviously.

This is just so scary, and there's nothing I can do. I feel helpless and terrified, and like my body could betray me at any moment.

All I want to be is happy! I want this to be a happy time, and I don't want it to take six weeks for me to get there.

And now I'm done getting that out, and I can start thinking about the blanket I'm making tonight for E's birthday tomorrow. Thanks for letting me get that out!

Uh oh

The kids have been here less than an hour and everyone has been in time out already. Oh crap.

I'm getting nervous about tomorrow. Oh crap.

I've decided that we're going to have a good day no matter what. Come hell or high water, we're going to have fun. If Danger Boy doesn't break his neck. That kid is insane!

I hope you have a a good day, too!

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

To be added

I've been using my laptop lately because I can keep it in the kitchen, and this setup ends up being a lot safer for all involved. I can see everyone the whole time I'm writing, and that's a really good thing when you run a daycare. The downside is that I can't post pictures, which means that you're going to have to wait until this afternoon or evening to see the fabric card Beck made me this weekend, my new fabric, and the mat I made for the kitten's food dishes.

And since we're talking about sewing, I have some advice. If you sew, you need to suddenly discover that one of your friends is a genius with sewing machines. I watched Beck mess with Bertha (yep. I named my machine Bertha. Don't judge.) and yet I'm still not sure how she got the old girl so happy. She wasn't clunking at all last night! I kept asking John if he could hear the difference, and asking him "Doesn't she sound so GOOD?" But he told me he never really listened to my machine, so I threw things at him.

I finally figured out what to make my MIL for X-mas, again thanks to Beck. I'm going to make her a Christmas/winter themed mobile out of the fabric cards. She really loves the holidays, more than is right or healthy. She has a display of Santa dolls up year round, so I think she'll love this. John asked me where she was going to put this mobile. (Their house is a bit crowded) I honestly don't care where she puts it, as long as she likes it. Such a sweet lady deserves something more than the flying Jesus picture I made her one year. (I was smoking a lot of pot back then.) She's kept it, and she says she likes it, but it's kind of like the way you like an ugly sweater from someone you really love, you know? So I want to make her something she can love on its own, not just because its from me.

And now for the daily preggers report: My current worry is that this pregnancy will turn out to be a tubal one. I haven't had one of those yet, so my guess is that's why I'm worried about it. Or a blighted ovum, which means that there's an egg in there, but no genetic material. One of the advantages to being high risk and having all these problems is that you do get the really early, ooky internal ultrasounds. That way if anything IS wrong you can catch it really early. The downside is that going in for the ultrasound is scary. It feels like playing roulette, I guess, having never played roulette. I won't call it Russian Roulette, but maybe uterine roulette? And the suck part is that even after this ultrasound, there's still 5 to 10 weeks in which I could miscarry. I hope you breeders never go through this; it's not always this insane. Most people get preggers and stay that way! I don't want to scare you-this is just my experience. But if I don't get it out here, I start getting weird and superstitious, and John starts looking at straitjackets online. So please forgive my venting, and remember that I'm the exception rather than the rule. Also, hope for my circle with a dot in it to be in the right place, with stuff inside and a normal yolk sack. (Yep, they've got yolk sacks. Pretty cool, huh?) Two more days until I go in.

Thursday E also turns 3. I'm going to write more about that tomorrow, but I can't believe it. She's so big! I'm going to stop now, though, so this doesn't turn into another novel. Look for pictures later!

Monday, November 10, 2008

Whole lotta love

I had a dream last night that I was making a fabric post card and the fabric wouldn't stick to the Pellon no matter how much I ironed. Luckily, when Beck taught me how to make fabric postcards this weekend that didn't happen. Holy cow, those things are cool! They're easy, fun, only take a little time and are beautiful when done. I'm going to make some to give as Christmas gifts. Beck helped me make one that I hung in my sewing room, and she made one for E that she proudly put beside her bed. She told all her friends about her special aunt Beck who came to see her over the weekend, too. Obviously we had a great time!

We went to JoAnn, Target and the quilting fabric store Saturday morning. For lunch I introduced Beck to Mediterranean food, thus forcing her to eat new and healthier food once again. (Fantastic brand has hummus and Falafel, Beck) Unfortunately we couldn't go to the zoo because E has decided to start having accidents. She peed her pants every day last week, and it culminated in John asking her if she needed to go to the potty. She said "no" and then immediately peed her pants. So Beck and I took a nap and then we went out for South Indian food. We watched Fido (OMG so good!) Saturday night, and you need to see it. Trust us.

Beck, who rocks so hard it makes continents shake, also gave my sewing machine some lovin'. Bertha is now running much smoother, and I know a lot more about my machine. For someone who has been sewing off and on since I was 13 or so, I sure do have a lot to learn! Thank goodness I have a Bean to help!

Sunday was also the Memorial Service for Rob Herold. E ended up having a low grade fever (we didn't find out untiil later that night) and did insanely well despite it. I found out a lot about Rob I didn't know, things like he held 21 patents, and when his wife asked him to marry her he asked if she could cook before he'd answer. (She said no, he said yes anyway.) The best thing I heard at the service was from a pin his eldest daughter found in his apartment after he dies. It said: "Is it true? Is it kind? Will it help?" It's my new mantra. What a wonderful way to live.

Rob's wife Ruth was there. I'd never asked about Ruth, knowing she was either in full dementia or had Alzheimer's just by talking to her. The details seemed unimportant, because it didn't change the way we treated her. We would just keep re-introducing ourselves, listen to the same stories over and over again, laughing when we were supposed to, and giving Ruth lots of hugs. The blessing in disguise, and also slightly heartbreaking part of the service was that Ruth had no idea what was going on. When I gave her a hug she told me how much fun she was having, getting all these hugs. She was full of smiles and laughter, which was sweet and sad and lovely. It must be hard for her kids to have lost their mother one way and their father another. But I'm glad Ruth was doing OK, after 62 years to be alone would be the scariest thing I can imagine.

I was most impressed by the love the family had. They were all as sweet and gentle as Rob was, and Ruth must have been. I hope I can be that kind of person and that kind of parent. Between having Beck in town and seeing the love of the Herold family, I'm recharged. Which is good, because I'm so tired I could fall asleep at any minute. Boobs still hurt, too. Hopefully we'll have more love to spread around here, with the addition of a new Wee and the kitten. Man, I'm rambling again. Anyway, spread some love today. Be nice to someone who's rude, smile at someone who seems to need it. I'm going to try to do the same when I go buy party stuff for my big girl tonight. How did she get so big?

Friday, November 7, 2008

Beans and Pooh

If everything goes according to plan, Beans will be here tonight for a weekend of fun and Zoo and fabric and teaching me how to make fabric post cards. Which are beautiful. And again, I don't like quilting. I cut out all the pieces for an Ergo bag last night, and will hopefully get the chance to sew it either at nap time or tonight. That way I'll have a bag to take with us to the zoo for water and food and all the other crap I cart around with me at all times. Like my knitting.

Since it's supposed to be cool tomorrow, my guess is that we'll spend some time in the Aquarium, manatee house and reptile house. I'd also like to see the penguins, wolves, bear, lions and kangaroos. I'd love to see giraffes, but our zoo doesn't have any at the moment. It's a tragedy, I know. They have them on a reserve somewhere, so hopefully they'll be back someday. I love our zoo; the habitats are spacious and well designed, the animals are given enrichment activities and well cared for. Hooray Zoo!

On the Pooh front, E has been on a real Pooh kick lately. We've been reading her the A.A. Milne stories and avoiding the "new" Disney-fied Pooh as much as possible. Can't really tell you why, to be honest. For her third b-day next week I'm making her a Pooh blanket to go with the kitten we're getting her. I might make the kitten a bed, too. I can't wait to see the look on her face!

I woke up this morning worried about the pregnancy. My boobs didn't hurt, I was awake and I was hungry. Never mind that I was so tired last night I couldn't finish the Ergo bag, I went o bed early for me and didn't even knit; I fell right to sleep.

My boobs hurt now, however. I know this worry is the product of my past experiences, just as much as I know there is nothing I can do to change what's going to happen beyond what I am doing now. That doesn't mean I didn't spend an hour this morning begging the universe and every version of god I know to let us have this baby. To let the baby be smart, and healthy and with no deformities. I want someone to call at times like this, someone who can tell me that everything is going to be fine or not, can tell me what is going to happen. That person does not exist. This insanity, or little bit of insanity, anyway, made me realize I need to chill out. So I'm going to re-read The Tao of Pooh again. If you haven't read it, it's a great way to get the Tao. Or just calm the hell down.

And that's it. That's all my brain has today. I'm going to go space out for awhile. Have a great weekend!

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Saying goodbye

I got an email a few minutes ago. As soon as I saw the name I knew the news wasn't good, even though it could've been. It was just one of those feelings you get; a knowledge of what's about to come. Sometimes you hope you're right, sometimes you hope you're wrong. I'm sorry I was right this time.

Robert J. "Rob" Herold, 88, of Delaware, died Sunday (Nov. 2,
2008) surrounded by his family following a brief illness.
A research chemist for General Tire in Akron with multiple
patents to his name, he was active in the Unitarian-Universalist
Church for many years and an avid gardener and photographer.
Subsequent to retirement, he lived in Leesburg, Fla., for five years,
enjoying canoeing and boating. He and his wife Ruth then moved to
Willow Brook retirement community in Delaware, where he was
active on the gardening committee and in the Delaware Unitarian-
Universalist Fellowship. He is sorely missed.
He is survived by his wife of 62 years, Ruth; his children and
grandchildren, Robin (Terrie), David (Karen and sons Willie and
Sam), Keith (Yanli and daughters Maria and Isa) and Steve (Bonnie,
son Nathan and daughter Rachel).

I loved Rob for his sense of humor, which was sweet and gentle, just like he was. I loved Rob for his patience, for his smile, for his face, and for how he cared for his wife. I will miss him despite our difference in age. I worry for his wife, who has either dementia or Alzheimer's. We commented many times how lucky Ruth was to have Rob because we didn't know how she'd get along without him. I don't know how she'll get along now without Rob, but I do know she's coherent enough most of the time to miss him. My heart goes out to her, and to their family.

To end on a lighter note, today is supposed to be the last day of good weather here. The high is going to be around 73, with sun and clear skies. Tonight it's going to change to rain and storms and tomorrow it'll only be 50. The kids and I are going to put the garden to bed this morning, then make another batch of pumpkin seeds before lunch and nap. The seasons are marching on and dragging us with them, whether we are ready or not. Time is such an odd thing, moving so slowly sometimes and so quickly others, and almost always in reverse of how we want it to. I try to live in each moment, to be present and aware of time as it happens instead of dwelling on the past or dreaming ahead. I don't want to miss now, because it's all we really have. There are nows I'd like to stretch forever, and nows I'd like to have sweep by. In the end, though, all I can do is ride the tide and try to take in as much as I can, because all rides end the same way. I hope when my ride ends I'm lucky like Rob, surrounded by the people I love. I hope I will have made the world just a bit better, and that more people knew love and laughter because of me. We're entering into a time of rest and quiet in our area of the country, and for the first time in my life, I'm glad. This year has been as rough as it was wonderful, and getting the garden ready, bedding it down, seems like a good metaphor for what winter will do for this year. I can only hope that just as 2008 came in with loss and grief, it will go out with hope and love and new life.


Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Dr #1, please to take a seat

Sensitive boobs? Check.
Slight nausea? Check.
Farting more than ever? Check.
A little more tired? Check.
400,002 doctor's appointments scheduled? Check!

I saw my family doctor today. She told me how to wean off the Lexapro after I hit 12 weeks, gave me some advice and well wishes, then put me under orders to rest, take it really easy, avoid all stress, not to lift anything heavy and to remember that first trimester miscarriages are usually because of non-viable fetal tissue. So I'm supposed to chill out. Fine with me! I have my next appointment scheduled for next week with the OB-GYN. That's a fun one. I'm considered high risk after all the crap, at least for a while. So I get the ultra sexy and fun internal ultrasound when I go see the old dude that is my OB. On one hand, we get to see what's going on, rule out blighted ovum, a tubal pregnancy and the like. On the other hand, I get some old guy sticking a lubed-up stick in a very private place. No matter what, you just don't feel clean after that until you've had a shower. Ook.

The good/bad news is that I'm off 30 Day Shred for now, because my doctor thinks it would be a good idea for me to honestly take it really easy for the next 8 weeks. Just in case. She said easy to light moderate exercise is OK, but to avoid anything like the full body thrash that Shred is. So after I take the DVD to my friend's house for her to try it out I'm going to send it back to Netflix. I'll pick it up in a store once I've popped. Such a good workout! Glad to be off it for now!

Oh, and I would be remiss in not mentioning Voting Day! OBAMA! GOBAMA! I sincerely hope we see a change in the way this country works. I can't watch a ton of election stuff tonight because I'm not supposed to get stressed out, but I'm a nervous wreck. Go read Indie Home Ec, it's a great post on civil rights in America today.


And Beans is coming into town this weekend. HOT DAMN!

2:31 am

Local time is really 2:31 am.

It's not a good idea to suddenly go out and eat 2 slices of greasy cheese pizza and then have a tiny bit of ice cream after no dairy for a week or so.

I sat straight up in bed about an hour ago, belly cramps in full force, sure I had gone over on my personal bank account. Both issues have been addressed.

Ah, Election Day. Off to a good start, isn't it? I wonder if I'll be able to go back to sleep now. Sometimes I really wonder about myself, and how I remember to breathe all day long.

Monday, November 3, 2008

Helping through craft

I'd like to share something with you today: The Caps to Cap-Haiti project through Mama to Mama. Here's the Soule Mama link. For a long time I've been looking for a way to help children and mothers through craft, and Soule Mama has provided that opportunity. Please go check out the site, and if you feel like it, make a cap or two. I'm going to make a few caps to send on, and hope that Mama to Mama keeps giving me ideas and opportunities to help. If you know of anything else along these lines, please leave a comment with the info!

I really believe that we can change the world, one small gesture at a time. It takes a long time, and change is slow, painful and rife with setbacks, but it can and does happen. I want nothing more to be a part of positive change and to help children. Also, to sleep for three days straight.

Off to referee...

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Johnny Dick Quotes

Pretty Happy Silly

So, Halloween rocks. I have pictures to share, but it just hit 8 am and it is way too early for me to mess. Instead, go check out Beans, who gave her blog a face-lift and has some GORGEOUS pictures of her quilting. I don't quilt, but her stuff makes me, well, not wish I did, but wish that she'd make me stuff to cover all my furniture. Now that was an awkward sentence.

I have lots of material left over from my costume, albeit in odd shapes. Its so pretty that I'm going to use it to make some hats. Ahh, let me share with you. When I was looking for Newsboy hat patterns I came across this site, which has a free download for customizable patterns. You can purchase something through them that I'm sure rocks, but the free download is a great start. It's under "free demo." If you're going to make a Newsboy hat, please change the hat band from 6 inches. John looked like he was wearing a red corduroy muffin until I fixed it. BEWARE! The pattern was easy to follow, and took me less than an hour to make all told. And it looks great!

In knocked up info for you and me, when you are pregnant it feels like you're getting early cramps, but nothing happens. So, you breeders, you are warned. Store the info for later use. Also, my back fucking hurts right now. I think it may be because this is pregancy # never mind, but dude! Too early for back ache. Seriously.

And funny for your weekend: this and this and this. Have a lovely weekend!

Friday, October 31, 2008

Wait for it...

If you ever want to know why I almost always buy the easy pattern, it's because I was able to make this in just over three hours last night. It goes past my feet, the sleeves are sparkly and it's so comfortable to wear! The lack of excellent pictures is due largely to the herd of children wanting to "help" me take the picture.

And squee! It's super early, so we kind of want to be cautious, but John and I are both kind of over the moon anyway. So, that's a no go on the drinking tomorrow night. Hooray!!!!!!

And sorry to everyone, I've used all the exclamation points again.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN! And have a great weekend. Yay yay yay!

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Mario hat craftiness

Here's John's Mario hat. It's much more cheerful than the Danger Boy from yesterday, who has been an angel today. Of course.

My model nearly broke her neck getting to the hat so I could take her picture. She's a ham, can you tell? No? Well, she is.

Front view!

Thanks for listening to yesterday's rant; little dude had me crying by the end of the day out of frustration. His mom told me that "he takes getting into things to a whole new level." Hell yes.

In other crafty news, I managed to get my costume cut out last night. I realized the reason I hate sewing with normal patterns is cutting around that horrible tissue paper. The patterns are so cool, but trying to cut them out accurately is not a strength of mine. But! I can start sewing at nap time today (if it happens) and will hopefully finish up tonight. If not I'm going to need the kids to nap tomorrow, because that will be the time I have left to finish it. It's so pretty, though! Even not assembled. I can't wait to show you!

And now, non-crafty news. I had a dream last night about pregnancy, falling asleep in a bathtub, the ex-boyfriend who signals transition through dreams, and lasagna. John was there, too. So, tomorrow being an auspicious day I'm going to go ahead and take a test. If nothing else it will let me know whether or not I can drink at the Halloween party on Saturday. So, we'll all know tomorrow, because I couldn't find out without telling you!

Well, that's all I've got for now. I'm going to go eat some spaghetti, get the kids to sleep and sew like a mad woman. Keeping my mind occupied is essential.

Happy pre-Halloween!

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Assholes come in all sizes

One of the bloggers I read religiously is All and Sundry. There's a link over on the side there if you're interested. Linda always speaks openly and honestly about raising kids, her life as Mom, wife, person that is neither of those things and so on. Because of her honesty she is often lambasted by other Mommy Bloggers (I hate that term) for her choices, as if there was only one correct way to do any one thing at any one time.

The thing I love best about Linda's writing is how accurately she describes what it's like to deal with children. You love them, but they can still be real bastards sometimes. Feeling like your kid needs shipped to Siberia after no sleep for three months in a row is normal, acting on this impulse is not. Sometimes writing about it helps ease the temptation to drop your kid off at your parent's house, ring the doorbell and speed away, laughing.

Case in point, there is a little boy here I adore. But he has been the biggest asshole EVER today. He keeps doing things he knows he is not supposed to do, like standing up on chairs and tables, pulling things out of drawers, and pulling things off the table. This is a developmental stage he needs to go through, but he's going through it for the longest amount of time I ever experienced. His Mom told me today that they are having no more children based on this aspect of his personality alone. The final straw was when I went into the bathroom to turn on the water for someone, walked back out and found him pulling things off the counter with both hands. The last of which was my camera. I have a nice camera, and there was no way he should have been able to reach it UNLESS he pulled everything around it off, too. Which he did. I yelled "NO!" as my camera hit the floor and the zoom lens bent sideways. The child them proceeded to run head-first into a cabinet, jump up, run to the coffee table, climb up it (as I was picking up my camera) and as I was turning around he jumped, smiling, off the table onto a basket.

He now has a shiner. My camera may or may not be OK. The kid's OK aside from the eye bruise, but you can see why I could easily start looking for a pack of wild dogs to raise him, can't you? To top it all off he's the screamer. I'm hoping this just seems a little more intense because of hormones, but man oh man could I use a stiff drink right now.

So, the guy that cuts you off in traffic? The co-worker who is rude, wears too much perfume or is constantly back-stabbing? Chances are they made someone miserable as a child, too. This little guy, though, I'm sure he's going to grow up to be a sweet, gentle young man. Who sky dives or hang glides or base jumps. But he'll cuddle you after!

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Full disclosure

OK. In the interest of being open and honest about pregnancy with you: we're spooked.

I know that this could be perceived as normal, given our 1 for 4 record, but it's a significant shift in attitude for us. We've always been excited and optimistic about pregnancy, but this time I haven't even taken a test yet. We both don't want to know yet. If I take a test today, when my period could, in theory, start, and the test is positive, I'll get all excited. If my period starts in a week or two, I'll know I was just a little pregnant, and am now not. In addition to the hormones, I'll have a feeling of loss again.

On the other hand, my cycle has never been within throwing distance of regular, so if I don't take the test and my period starts in two weeks, I won't know either way.

There's pros and cons to both strategies. Either way I'm stuck feeling like a nervous soon-to-be-father in one of those old TV shows or movies: pacing around and (wishing I was) smoking like a chimney. Did I ever tell you that after, what is it now, 6 years, I still miss smoking? I do, and I also digress. Not knowing sucks, but knowing for us may suck just as much. I'm actually, honestly stuck on this one. Should I test? Should I not? I've spotted a little today...good or bad? History says BAD! Books say No Big Deal! I don't know what the OB-GYN says, because his office already knows I'm a basket case, and I do not need to reinforce their beliefs further. And the first question they will ask is "Have you taken a test?" My answer to that may well drive the poor old lady that works there insane. Insaner. All her pens already have fake flowers taped to the top. I do not need to push that woman any farther over the edge.

So I'm going to sew like a maniac tonight and just pretend my tea is a big ass bottle of wine. At least my seams have a 50/50 chance of ending up straight this way, right?

Pictures, as promised.

My camera is either draining batteries in a very vampire-like fashion, or it's time for me to get some new rechargeables. Or the charger is going. In any case, I was only able to get 2 good pictures of the cape. It's reversible, and pretty warm. Hooray!

Here's the pumpkin patch, complete with stone pig bench...

John finds his first pumpkin. He is proud.

Here's a night shot, just before the camera died yet again. John's is the one with x's for eyes, E's has three eyes, and mine's the surly one. Once the batteries are charged again I'll take a day photo.

Nap time! Newsboy hat and starting to pin my costume (sadly, to cut it out) for me!

Monday, October 27, 2008

Weekend in speed review

Weird, wonderful and tiring.

We went to the pumpkin patch. Aces! Three awesome pumpkins, now carved and out on the porch. The seeds were toasted and are delicious. I ate so many the inside of one of my cheeks is tender.

E went through a whiny bought, but is recovering nicely. We went to one of the day care kid's birthday parties over the weekend, and I'm proud of my child for not acting like that kid did. She's a sweet one, but spoiled. I am sending positive energy to her parents.

If pride goes before the fall, I'm about to step off a cliff. I all but finished E's cape this weekend, and I added a hood. She's going to look great. I'm going to perma-stitch the gathers at the top during nap, and sew on the magnetic clasp. After nap I'm going to take a picture and post it, because I think it turned out really, really well for having used no pattern. Also, I have been informed that Blue Beetle is not really the child of The Beatles; that was a joke from Tiny Titans. He's a dude with an alien backpack and suit. I had no idea.

Tonight I'm going to finish John's Mario hat. We found his overalls at TSC (Tractor Supply Company-great place if you like farm stuff!) and he's going to get his red shirt tomorrow. While he's getting said shirt he's also going to pick up a blue sweat suit for out Ms. Beetle because it's goddam snowing here. I want to go to CA right the hell now. I hate the cold!

Aside from that all I have left to do is sew my entire costume by Friday. HA! Yeah, wish me luck on that one. Stupid procrastination/sickness.

What about you? How was your weekend?

Friday, October 24, 2008


Holly Lynne left a comment on my last post regarding the desire for another child. She's not the first to ask me about my sanity (although she didn't actually ask about my sanity, but I lack the skill to create another segue at this juncture) in regards to having another child while John is going back to school and I'm running a day care. The short answer is that there really is no good time to have a kid. You either do it or you don't, because if you wait for everything to be right you'll be retired before you even start trying.

This motherhood thing,though, it's tough. There's no way to adequately prepare anyone for it, or even for childbirth, because it's so unique and personal to each woman who experiences it. That's part of the beauty and mystery of being a Mom. It's also what makes it so fucking scary. But motherhood isn't impossible. Just remember, those of you that are going to have kids, that you will fuck up. If you're lucky it won't be a big fuckup, but come on. None of us are perfect. We try our best, but to err is human. The most important things about being a Mom are love, kindness, patience, flexibility and forgiveness. Things will not go according to plan. You will feel bad about some of your decisions. You will be tested in ways too hard to describe. Through it all, if you do your best, love your kid and forgive yourself for your lack of perfection, you'll be fine.

My girl has made me lay on the floor crying from exhaustion. Last night she had me laying on the floor crying because she wrote a song about me on the way home from dinner. I bought her knitting needles and she also wrote a song about those, and the orange nail polish I painted on her and her friends. I get overwhelmed sometimes by how much I can love and adore one small person who can go from screaming to cuddling without even breathing. I still can't believe she came from my body, that she is a little of me and a little of John, and a little of every person in our family that came before us. She is trying. She is stubborn. She is wonderful, and like I said to Holly Lynne, I would gladly be hit by a truck just to know that she is safe.

The one thing that I've re-discovered since becoming a Mom is how to just do what needs to be done. It's amazing! You can be coasting on 10 hours of sleep for the week, up to your ass in dirty laundry and diapers and things to do, and all you want to do is collapse in a pile of wine, chocolate and blissful sleep, but you keep going. One smile of your spawn will do that. A hug? Dude, you can finish your basement on hug energy. It heals. So when I think about the hard days ahead, the ones where I'm home alone and exhausted with two kids at night and a husband in school, I know we'll be OK. I may smell bad, my house may look like New Orleans on a bad month, and we might be eating PB & J 4 out of 5 meals, but we'll do it. And in the end, the one person I have the most to live up to for will have a friend and conspirator for my later years. She'll have one other person in this world who can relate to her odd experiences growing up; someone she can share stories and memories with, laugh with and depend on. (I hope.) So I may be crazy, but I'm crazy like a fox.

E has drawn her first super hero! It's Blue Beatle. I know nothing about him, other than the fact that he's supposed to be the child of The Beatles, and he's blue. She loves him, and wants to be him for Halloween now. These little ones, they'll change you, love you, make you better and drive you crazy. Kids are wonderful. They are not for everyone, because you have to sacrifice your life as you know it, and you won't get it back. Ever. But you will get so many wonderful things in return, and it'll be worth every minute.

Have a great weekend!

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Mt. Laundry at 14,000 feet

Well, it's better...E horked again last night, chocolate soy ice cream no less. Gaaaah. I had to steam clean it up. The smell, oh God the smell...

So the mountain of laundry no longer towers above my head. I now have a "don't look; I don't want to know" policy with my laundry. What with the day care's daily gross factor plus viruses and other nasties running around, I don't know what laundry has been puked on, peed on, pooped on, or worse. Yesterday I found what looked like a puddle in my kitchen, but when I went to wipe it up it was thick. At this point I just grab a load, shove it in, add liberal amounts of cleaning agents and turn on the warmest water I can use without turning all our stuff one color. Then I wash my hands, drink some gingerale and try not to think about it.

Our wonderous bodies! So full of disgusting fluids and abilities! Miracle of life!

To change the subject, I'm back to knitting. It seemed wrong to knot when it was warm out, but now that it's cooled down I've got the urge to just sit and knit all the time. The problem is that all I do is knit, I can't even purl. It's really sad. To this end I checked out a book I found at the Library last night: "Knitting With Balls." I thought it was a kind of "one skein wonder" type of book, but it was actually a book for men who knit. And miracle of miracles, I can understand the instructions and illistrations. I know I think like a guy sometimes, but maybe it's the ADHD or the fact that I prefer power tools to scrapbooking, but this book just seems to make sense to me in a way no other knitting bok ever has before. I found a pattern for a face cover thing for my dad, fingerless gloves for me! and something for John...I know he doesn't read this anymore, but just in case I'm not telling yet.

So tonight I'm either going to craft night to knit, or I'm going out to a quiet place to knit and eat cheese fries. In either case, I'm not freaking doing any freaking laundry freaking tonight.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

It's contagious

John has the plague now. I'm making him take tomorrow off work, I've closed the daycare for another day, and I'm also making E lay down and watch the Cinderella ballet from Netflix. Aside from wanting to scratch some of my skin off, I'm doing a ton better. Poor John, though. He never gets sick and is miserable.

Well, I need to go douse my entire house with bleach. Then another nap...

Saturday, October 18, 2008

In which the author tries to remove her own dermis

Hallo Constant Reader!

Sorry it's been so long since my last post. I was thwarted Wednesday by two children who had just recovered from food poisoning, the younger of which started barfing early and often. Thursday was busy, but I don't remember why. I had intended to write about the debate, but that obviously didn't happen. Thursday night at 10 PM E let us know her tummy hurt. By 11 she was horking full blast.

Guess what? It wasn't food poisoning. Those kids had the plague.

E stopped with the barf around 4 am, at which time I began. Let's just say Friday was a long day.

A long day that culminated in me getting hives from head to toe.

I went to the doc this morning, and was given steriods! Which, to present, seem to have done exactly shit. It turns out whatever made me so sick I am also allergic to. There may be justice in this world, and if this is payback, I'M SORRY! JUST TELL ME WHAT I DID~I'LL MAKE IT BETTER! I'm supposed to call on Monday if I'm not better. In the meanwhile I'm fantasizing about scooting my entire body across the carpet for one good scratch.

On the way home this morning John kept telling me "Not to itch" which means don't scratch in midwestern-ease, and I kept thinking of creative ways for him to die. I look like a mad scientist's experiment gone wrong, I feel like scratching my own skin off, and I'm not supposed to itch? DIE DIE DIE!!!!!!

At least the benadryl has been keeping me safely asleep so that I can do no harm to either of us. E barfed again after dinner, but I think that was a case of too much food too soon. On the up side, she barfed on John. We have a good relationship, my husband and I. John took it in stride, adn after a shower got our little one her bath and into bed. I took an oatmeal bath with two packets of oatmeal stuff, and am now contemplating a glass of wine to knock my ass out again.

Now, I know I've made the whole hives thing sound alluring, but please, do not go out and get hives. That would be a Bad Choice. Instead, get drunk for me. It's a much better way to spend your time, and I'll feel better vicariously. I prefer white, sweet wine but anything but rum will do. If you drink rum I'll start horking again, I swear.

When we got home from the doctor there was a full out fight for about 25 seconds: I wanted sympathy and John wasn't doing it correctly. He's been keeping his distance in an effort to avoid the plague, and I was feeling abandoned. He couldn't even take the day off work Friday, so E went with my mom and I tried to fend for myself. In reality, all I needed was a hug, and John fixed that. He tries really hard, but he's not always the best nurse. He did find some really good veggie bullion, and has generously made me some of the blandest food known to humanity. Gotta love the man for trying.

I was supposed to go to a silver ring making class today, but decided that was madness. 3 hours of itching and telling people to get away from me, I might be sick! I hope I either get e refund or another class. I was really looking forward to that one!

I wish I had more, or something important, to say. All I've got left is that I recommend Ivarest, which really does stop itching. They don't make it in gallon jugs, though, more's the pity. Also, I hope your weekend is a hell of a lot better than mine. Tell me, what'd you do? You, yes you, the one not scooting across the carpet, full body style.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

I was driving home last night, trying to put the hot mustard on my egg roll while driving in the dark, burning my mouth with hot egg roll and wondering just when I had become immune to spicy mustard. I got my hair cut short(er), it's got some really snazzy purple streaks, and now takes a pea-sized amount of shampoo to wash. I made myself a new necklace, which I should have taken a picture of and yet did not, featuring my fertility lady. I wore her throughout my pregnancy with E, and figured it was time to put her back on. She immediately broke a few bad habits, and prevented me from engaging in some questionable behaviors. I can't go into detail, but I'm living and eating healthy from now on out. Putting on the fertility symbol always feels like an instant switch to me, transferring from god to Goddess, from mom to Mom, from trying to get pregnant to Ready To Be Pregnant. Perhaps it's an outward symbol of an inward readiness. I don't know. I do know that when I put her on I feel like I'm putting on armor. Which is pretty cool.

Back to the egg rolls-I went out to get my hair cut and get some non-vegan food because I need a haircut as much as I needed to get away from my husband. I love this man, I adore and need this man, but he still makes me want to chew my own head off on a regular basis. I think that some degree of this comes with any long term committed relationship; it's unavoidable when you've spent long amount of time listening to someone else snore, learned all their nervous habits and have repeatedly asked them not to scrape their teeth on their fork when they eat. (uuugh-shudder) As long as the love is more powerful than the annoying ticks, you're doing OK. But when you've spent several weeks trying to track down his old, beloved buddy from high school, and you've finally found a phone number and you're just about to call it to see if maybe a bunch of the guys could get together around the holidays and you're guy is sitting beside you and suddenly tells you to stop ~ mumbling later something about not needing to revisit his past ~ you might want to throw something at him. Because you were doing something nice, something you thought he'd really love, he was in the dude's wedding, after all, and instead you get a bunch of "thanks, but no thanks" and very little reason behind it. He also hid his college transcripts from me and actually, no shit, said "Mine."

Really, dude? Are you serious? I do almost all the housework, am getting ready to probably get hemmoriods so that we can have another child, I scrub toilets and showers and wash your underwear, and my attempt to look at your transcripts with you after setting up your appointment with the college and getting a bunch of info about the program and its requirements for you, your reply is "Mine?" Needless to say, if I am pregnant it didn't happen last night. I was too irrationally irritated.

Moving on: tonight I will be finishing a blanket for one of my families. I will be watching something on our Netflix box and making gifts. I will also go to the pharmacy to pick up my %$#@^#^% meds, which will run upwards of $70. They keep me from actually throwing things at my beloved husband's head, though, so they are worth it. He really is a wonderful guy, if a bit perplexing at times. Maybe I'll put makeup on him while he's sleeping this weekend. That'll make me feel a LOT better.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

That One

Promised pictures and a thought or two

Recycled bows! My friend Karen came over last night to help me make a few of these. I made two and a half, she made at least three, one out of a picture of a plate of meat. I'll give that bow to her, Beck or my mother in law.

This is the first one I made. They're really easy, recycle, and are cheap to make. All you need:
  • brads (for paper! Not the Pitt kind. You'd never get ANYTHING made with a Pitt around, would you?)
  • old magazine
  • scissors
You cut the magazine page into long strips, then cut those in half. Then you make a little ribbon and stick the brad through. Repeat and repeat and repeat. I recommend watching a movie or being inebriated while doing this. Maybe turn it into a drinking game. It's pretty and great, but it's also boring as hell. I found having an interesting conversation going on helped, until I gave up making bows and just had the conversation.

Here's the cheat soap. It's a cucumber avocado melt n' pour soap, with cucumber melon scent, sweet almond oil and apricot seeds added. Like I said, I'm really not making soap. I'm cheating. but I can get anywhere from 10 to 13 bars of soap for a $15 dollar investment, and it's mostly handmade. I'd love to actually make soap for real, but I hesitate to deal with anything caustic while being me. I'd lose an eye for sure.

This picture is one I just had floating around my computer. It cracks me up. It should crack up my friends, too, because those are the kinds of friends I have.

I've been slowly coming to some realizations about my friends and relationships lately. I don't have a huge list of friends, and never have. What I DO have is a small list of people I would take a bullet for, and that make me laugh and feel good about myself and the world. I don't have the time or energy for people who do not do these things, therefore, I do not have the long list of friends. I'm fine with that. To be honest, I'm really happy about the kinds of friends I have. I know the old adage is "If you love something, set it free" and in most cases that's true. But when it comes to friends and possessions, I work the other way. If I don't really love you, I'm going to let you go. There are also people I love dearly that I choose not to be around, because they will not deal with their problems. We've all got 'em, but I refuse to watch someone I love hurt themselves over and over again. I don't know what they should do, but the definition of crazy is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. I try very hard not to be judgmental; to have a live and let live policy on life, the universe and everything. Sometimes I can do that, sometimes I have to walk away. I don't want you telling me what to do, so logically you don't want me telling you how to live your life, either. And I am not the best at keeping my mouth shut when it should be, in those cases I need a little distance to gain perspective to shut the hell up already.

I have lots of friends that are going through some really weird and tough stuff right now. One friend is divorcing. Another is trying to get more time and attention from the person they love. Another is engaged in a metaphorical arm wrestling match about control in the relationship. I want to be there, to be supportive for all these people. Beck has listened to me, saved my ass and helped me out a million times, but rarely asks for help. She knows I'll be there, though, and that's what important to me. That my friends know they can always call. That I'll give them my shirt if they need it. That I will love them unconditionally. We don't need to agree politically, or about most things. We agree on the Big Stuff, like love and peace and agreeing to disagree.

I'm having some trouble, though. There are a few people I know and have counted as friends for a while now, but I feel like I've been misled. People who say one thing but do another, and more than the usual amount of that. We all behave this way to a certain extent; it's a social necessity. This goes beyond the norm, though. So I'm debating: do I love them for who they really are? Because I feel like I was deceived at the outset. The person I knew and cared about was never real, as much as the person inside might have wanted to be this other. I trusted, and was betrayed and a myriad of tiny ways, until I saw clearly for the first time just how different the person was from what they had presented themselves as. I just ended with a preposition, didn't I? Ah, hell. I guess my dilemma is this: how do you know who to keep? Some of the deceptions were major enough that the people involved are already gone, but what about the other stuff? Is there an amount by which you can measure? What tips the scale from live and let live to live and let live somewhere else? I don't know, so I'm going to be like Pooh and Think for a While. And go melt some more cheater soap, mix stuff in and put it into molds.

I hope your day is simple and pleasant and fun.