Thursday, January 31, 2008


OK, one more quick thing:

I am so addicted to fabric.

I want to order so much from this site, plus, it's on sale. But I need no more fabric, alas. Maybe I'll just get a little hedgehog, and some buttons. Just a little. This one time.

Living simply is HARD sometimes.

We can make it stronger, better, faster!

I wanted to write a wonderful post with pictures, all about the ongoing projects I'm working on and projects I'm about to start. But lunch with the kids was rather spirited today, and nap is running about an hour off for half the kids. (Well, my kid and the three year old. They were too ramped up after sticky noodle soup to sleep.) So instead I went to Blogger's help page, because I received a day-making email from the author of The Owl and the PussyCat. (See the NEW LINK SECTION to get to her blog!!) She mentioned that she couldn't comment, and so I set about fixing that. It was actually pretty easy, so I hope it worked. (I don't hold a lot of faith in my technical abilities, being someone who knocked herself out one time at the mall because I thought the front doors opened inward and I just walked right into it. They were glass doors; I must have looked like a huge pathetic bird.) So hopefully you now see a link area and you should be able to comment, if you want to. I also switched the time to EST, because I do not live in an exotic location. I made a few other changes, I think, but I was mad with power at the time and I can't remember what they were.

I would like to tell you about sticky noodle soup, though. It's really easy, and the kids love it. I use fresh veggies usually, but frozen have worked in a pinch. I love the soup because it's so fast and easy, the kids love it because it tastes good and they can manage to cover my kitchen with noodles, without me knowing it, despite the fact that I am sitting right there with them. I think this is a skill we have until we learn to make our own lunch,this ability to send food all over in a 40 foot radius without anyone noticing until the meal is over. Then this skill disappears, like something straight out of Peter Pan. It used to be called noodle soup, but after trying to remove the noodles from pretty much everything from my hair to the cat, Sticky was added. Anyway, here is how to make sticky noodle soup:

  • 2 packages Ramen noodles. (Throw out the seasoning. I hate to waste, but man that stuff is salty.)
  • Fresh veggies. I use broccoli, cauliflower, parsnips, carrots and celery.
  • 4 cups of water. (Add a cup or two if you're not going to use ice cubes to cool this down.)
  • 2 cubes veggie bullion, or just use veggie stock and skip the water/bullion steps.
  • Pepper and Celery seed to taste
Throw the water, veggies, bullion and seasonings in a pot and bring to a boil. (If you're using frozen veggies, add them after the water boils.) Allow to boil for 3 to 5 minutes, add the noodles, cook for 3 minutes, serve.

That's it! J now uses this as his Chicken Noodle substitute. I do, too. But here's a dirty little secret: the oriental ramen is vegan, and sometimes I just make it with the enclosed spices, no veggies, just noodles and sodium. He calls me "salt lick" when this happens. But a girl needs to overdose on salt sometimes.

So hopefully you'll get the intended post early next week. I'm going out with a friend tonight for dinner and to be emotional support, and this weekend is the party. You know, The Last Official Party Before I Start Getting Pregnant. That party. So I won't be much use until Monday, and then I'll show you all the fun stuff I'm not getting done right now, and all the fun stuff I won't be getting done later.

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

On College: Attending Accidentally

Presenting: Recovered Chair! Two of four are done. I'll finish the remaining two in a few weeks, probably. If I feel like it. It's not that the process is particularly difficult, it sucks, but I'm guessing anyone could probably accomplish this as well as or better than I did. The reason I'm in no hurry to recover the other chairs can be seen on the chair not pictured: despite my massive and thorough scotch-guarding, there are already blueberry stains on it. I keep forgetting I run a daycare here, you know? That part of my brain shuts off sometimes, usually when there are shiny objects about.

Here's a sneak peek at what I'm making for my sister. I'll finish it as soon as she unpacks her table and gives me the measurements.

And here is proof that I have gone insane:

I am not a girly girl, or rather, I wasn't until I got all knocked up and hormonal, two and a half years ago. Then it was all flower prints and cute baby things, replacing the skulls and spiders and bones I had previously decorated with and wore. In keeping with my transition to crazy, I decided to take a Waldorf Education class. I didn't realize the class was for 14 months, and that it was for college credit. It may even translate into Waldorf Teacher Training credit, but that's far from certain. The coolest thing about the class is that it is being held at the Briar Rose Center here (a very cool place for kids) and the ladies who run Briar Rose are preparing to open a K-8 Waldorf school. And this class is intended to create teachers and staff for that school. It's not something I know I want to do for certain, but I do know that I do not always want to run a daycare. I love it, I love the kids, I love being home with them etc etc etc, but there are only so many stinking crap filled diapers on person can change before ennui takes over. I'm not there yet, but I sense it past the horizon.

I'm very excited about the class and the people in said class. They are my people: some are vegetarian, they are wearing funky and/or handmade stuff, they are funny and irreverent, and they love learning and kids. These are the people of the resistance. At one point last night the instructor said something about "the establishment" and I laughed and laughed. Because she was earnest, she was serious, and she was fighting against it. HELL YES! I might not agree with everything the guy who created Waldorf said or believed, but I'm never going to agree 100% with anything. He created a great program for teachers and kids. I like the approach (so far) and I'm happy I'm taking the class. The college credit and other perks are just that: perks. I love doing something for a good reason and finding out it's better than you expected. It's got me thinking about the future and what it holds. To find hope there is both unexpected and wonderful!

Sunday, January 27, 2008

The only reason I left my house this morning was because I wanted coffee.

It's been a weekend. Boy, has it been a weekend. I think the chief factor in my feeling like I was hit by my weekend rather than having enjoyed it was the fact that I can't find my staple gun.

I took Saturday morning to myself. I got it all ready: fabric cut, foam cut, two chairs uncovered and unassembled and ready for a new look. And no staple gun.


I did some cleaning and organizing, searched my entire house for the staple gun, and then helped put away groceries. One lunch, nap, and trip to the Indian Grocery/Half Price Books/JoAnn Fabrics/Whole Foods (at their busiest time EVER) while on a time frame later, and we came home ate dinner and got the girl to bed. Then we stupidly and inexplicably stayed up until 1 am last night.

Then there was today, almost as busy. But two of my chairs are covered (I bought a new, better staple gun), I learned how to knit and I'm about to have a glass of wine. Woo Hoo weekend!

Friday, January 25, 2008

When I was in high school I was in a "reverse Shakespeare" play. We had more girls than boys, so all the gender roles were reversed. I was the mother. At one point during rehearsal one of my "sons" said something to be about the type-casting that had been used in our production. I asked him what type-casting was. He said it was casting someone based on personality traits they already had.

Shocked doesn't describe what I felt. A mother? ME? NO NO NO NO NO!!!! I never felt maternal in any way, and I never perceived myself as the mothering sort. And yet here I am, mom to one and second mom to 5 others. I work from my home to be with my daughter, and although there are very bad days and very good days, I wouldn't change my circumstances one bit. Well, my tummy would have recovered from pregnancy a bit better, but aside from that, nothing.

Before motherhood, though, I had other dreams. I wanted to be an artist of some sort. Still do. So when one of my favorite bloggers at The Owl and The Pussycat posted and excerpt from "The Awakening" by Kate Chopin, I knew I had to read it. My response to motherhood was an awakening to me, as was rediscovering sewing (not everything you make has to be out of style and ugly!) and finding the craft (art craft, not that country kitch) community. I read the story in two days. I loved it, and was surprised by it. I in no way expected the end. But the book did not feature the awakening I expected, much like how this is not the life I expected. Worth it, but not the original plan, you know?

So reading about a woman's discovery of herself, her desires and her abilities, as well as her individuality and her rights during a time of extreme repression was wonderful. Here was a woman behaving like women do now. All she needed to do was decide that she was free, and she was. In contrast to that I've been reading Linda's posts on ParentDish, and I am appalled at the comments left there. Women saying that if you don't want to stay home you shouldn't have children? What the hell? We're not all meant to be the same, and I find it so sad that people treat each other this way. I didn't know I wanted to be so motherly until I became a mother. What would have happened if some of these women became mothers and found that they weren't cut out to do the job full time? So much anger and bigotry. I found myself furious after reading some of the comments by someone named Mel and a few others. I hope they are joking, either that, or I hope they get help. Lots of help. Soon. But I'm going to practice the Buddhist idea of non-attachment, and just let this go. I'm also not going to read the comments again for awhile, because I think that some of these ladies are deliberately starting flame wars, and that's just sad.
So, to summarize, I was accurately type cast long ago, The Awakening was awesome and surprising, and deciding that you are right and everyone else is wrong isn't nice. Ahhh, letting go of anger feels so nice!

Thursday, January 24, 2008

It's called sturdy.

I finally figured out why I don't like Martha Stewart.

Well, Martha Stewart stuff, anyway. I mean, I do occasionally go to her web site. There are some kick ass ideas there. It's the Martha Stewart finish that bothers me. That, and the fact that the tutorials you can find anywhere else have detailed photographs and don't look, well, impossible.

I'm not sure if it's the scale, the colors, or some other intangible quality that I can't quite put my finger on. I think it may be that everything is too overdone; it looks like everything is made of sturdy cardboard and took at least three people to complete. It's expensive crap. So many things are falling into that category these days. I love handmade, and Martha Stewart doesn't seem to be on the same playing field in that regard because her "handmade" is almost always overcomplicated clutter. Then again, she seems like a nice lady, if a tough one. I really respect the fact that she did a little time. There are many more public figures I'd like to see behave that responsibly.

All my urges belong to us

Well, baby decision is made. Hormones win, we'll see what happens. On the subject of urges, I've had the urge to go fabric shopping online lately. And to learn how to knit. There's a wonderful woman I know who has promised to teach me, and she could use some company. Her son had an aneurysm (or something, the doctors aren't sure) early this spring, and his wife recently broke her arm and shoulder, and seems to be co-dependent and useless anyway. So my friend Nance' is having a hard time, and she acted like she'd be so happy to have something else to think about, and a visitor to boot.

As far as online shopping goes, I recently purchased four embroidery patterns from Sublime Stitching, and they rock. I finished my first piece last night, and I'm really happy with how it turned out. I think I'm going to repeat it three more times and turn it into the tablecloth I promised my sister. She just moved into a new house with her boyfriend, and it would be a great house-warming gift. Plus, I can make the table cloth match the placemats and napkins I gave her for Christmas. Making things makes me so happy!

So with baby making and gestating coming, paperwork for the daycare pending thanks to tax season and all the gifts for friends and family I want to make, I'm not sure where the Etsy shop is going to fit in. I have until December 31st, but I'd like to have it open sooner than that. When the time is right, I guess. I'm channeling the Tao right now, and trying not to fight the current of my life so much. It's so difficult to let go of the illusion of control, have you noticed?

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Back and forth

This morning I was laying in bed, feeling soft and warm, sleepy and comfortable. I was just starting to think to myself "Why would I want to mess with this? Things are going so well right now." And then I heard the quick plip plip plip plip of my little one trotting down the hall and into our room. She starts off every morning the same way: she trots down our hall, over to my side of the bed, and says either "Mommy!" or my favorite, "Good Morning!" It was Mommy this morning, and I scooped her up and covered her with kisses, and then tucked her in beside me.

I've had a really bad case of the baby-making urge, lately, and not just the practice part. I've been having the urge to get myself knocked up, which means I've had the urge to be violently nauseous for at least 15 weeks, give up all fun substances, gain 20 to 30 pounds and never sleep again. Oh, and apparently I want to pee constantly, too. But baby... to have another tiny squalling wrinkly thing to kiss and cuddle. To have a sibling for the little light in my life, you see? Hormone mountain.

There are two problems right now. The first is that if I get pregnant instantly, I won't be able to have any fun at our friends' upcoming party, and we've arranged for babysitting and everything. It's a once a year event, and I'd really like to go and have a good time. If I am pregnant and don't know it, well, I don't like to mix caffeine and preggers, so a whole day of party is right out. But if we wait until after the party, we're running the risk of a baby really close to E's birthday, and after that is the holidays. And everyone in my family, save myself, had their birthday then. E and my mom are November, my sister and dad are December (not to mention holidays) and J's family has an ass-load of B-days in January. So it's now or in two months, a baby this year or next. Hormones vs. Logic. I don't know, I just don't know.

Monday, January 21, 2008

Getting a head start

I'm really, really excited because Meg has opened her shop for pre-orders of two of her patterns. If you are related to me or a friend I see regularly, do not follow that link. I'm going to but two patterns and make the hell out of them.

I've enjoyed designing most of the things I've made. There's something so satisfying about taking an idea, some fabric and thread and a machine, and producing an entirely new object. But everything I've seen Meg make has been gorgeous, and there are far fewer "oops" areas visible in her projects. She's been an inspiration, even though I don't think I've ever commented on her blog. Besides, I've been drooling over that messenger bag since she first posted it.

I have to say that I'm so happy I've discovered the people I have online. While I haven't made any real friends yet, I have found this wonderful group of people who inspire me and share common interests and outlooks. These people, whom I've never met and only occasionally comment to, have become my adult interaction most of the time. Plus, they've been great teachers! I've learned so much in the past year from tutorials, looking at the brilliant art and photography of talented women (that are my age! Who knew the 27 to 35 crowd was so cool!) and from reading about what inspires them. I discovered the secret to a link list today, so this week I'm going to have my favorite blogs up to share. I hope that anyone who visits here, while they may not take a lot from my blog personally, will at least find something in the links that will make them smile.

Enough taunting, now pictures!

Last night I made E her very own purse. She wanted the blue Pooh fabric on the outside, and I used some pink flowery stuff I've been saving for the inside. The front pocket has a hidden pocket for a pen or some colored pencils, and the pocket itself is big enough for a little book.

Here's a detail shot. I'm not sure if you can see it, but I really, really suck at hand sewing.

You may, at this point, be wondering about the layout of today's post. I am, too. I need to read up on the help section of Blogger, because in addition to not having my pictures and writing plastered in a spastic fashion all over the page, I'd also like to figure out some of the more detailed things, like how to add links, a blog roll, that kind of stuff.

So once I get Blogger figured out, we'll be in business. Back to the crafting, I made a book to go in the pocket. Here is a picture of the book after it had been received and tested:

This was really easy to make. I just took some index cards, put rubber cement down one side and squished it around a bit to make sure a little got between each card. I then took a small fabric scrap, applied a little fabric glue and "bound" the book with it. The pages will stay in, but can be pulled out similar to how a post-it note works. (They have no post-it properties, however.) This is how legal pads and the like are made. I guess those summers at Copy-Max paid off!

Bonus inside shot!

All photos were taken on my couch today. I hope you enjoyed the high quality photo shoot I set up there, what with the cat hair and excellent lighting. Only the best for you!

Sunday, January 20, 2008

A Day Out

Look what I did Saturday!

I've decided that if I don't do the things I really want to do now, I may never get the chance. It's the underlying reason I quit my job and started the day care, it's why I want to get that Etsy shop open, and it's why I paid a grown man to insert metal through my nostril yesterday. I've wanted to do this since I was fourteen or so, and I decided that 15 years was long enough to wait. I'm probably going to catch dome hell from my family, but it's not their face. I'm still amazed that at nearly 30 I'm still afraid of what my parents will say.

After the piercing my friend Jen and I were walking back to the car and we noticed a little shop. It was next door to Modified Soul (the piercing place) and BEHOLD! It was a little shop full of handmade stuff. I felt like I walked into a shop of my people. The shop was called "Sparrowfish" and I found some cool stuff there:

This was one of the few non-handmade things there. It's got everything from silly pet accessories to hand made salves. I've been going through it over and over again, and I still don't think I've seen everything. I also found these cards by artist Nikki McClure. You can find her stuff here. She also had the baby book I wish I would have had when my little one was was beautiful and cool, and it recorded the kinds of things you really want to remember, like the first rainbow or puddle. I love this cherry blossom card. It's called "A New Materialism."

The card on the left is called "Sometimes she talks to crows." I've always loved crows, and I count them religiously. I just love the look on the woman's face.

This is exactly how I feel after working in the garden. You may not see the overwhelming joy and satisfaction through the tired, but it's there. I'm going to frame the cards and hang them, along with the giraffe print my mom gave me for Christmas, and my favorite painting E has done recently. I'll post the results soon. I'm going to re-cover at least one chair tomorrow, so hopefully I can finish that project soon. Pulling out all those staples to recover the chair? See the image above, and there is no hidden joy or satisfaction hidden beneath the surface. That will come once the chairs are finished, or at least once I'm putting staples back in.

Friday, January 18, 2008

Taunting you

I did it again. I made three reversible bibs for a new baby, plus a purse for his older sister, and I gave them away before I took pictures of them. Which is totally why I started a craft blog: to make a bunch of cool crap, talk about it and never, ever show you a picture of what I made. Next I'm going to convince you that you were adopted, and then tease you about it until you cry.

On the bright side, my child was watching me sew the purse for her friend and now wants one. She's already picked out the fabric and everything. So even if I give it to her before I take a picture of it, it'll still be around for me to photograph and post later.

By the way, have you ever asked your parents if you were adopted? Maybe you should...

(By the way, I love adoption. It takes a lot of love and courage to adopt, so no nasty mail, OK?)

Love is pain.

Last night J had his game, so it was just my little one and me. On nights like this I give her a treat: we take a "Mommy Chuppie." (Chuppie is J's family's word for bath, and a Mommy Chuppie is a bath in my big bathtub.) We always have a lovely time splashing around and washing each other's hair. All in all it's a really sweet time, and I'll miss it when she gets too old.

Last night, after we got out, put on her lotion and were getting her diaper on, she threw me for a loop. She asked for Mommy Milk. She hasn't nursed since July, when, out of sheer desperation for sleep I weaned her cold turkey. If I could go back I would have done so many things different during that week from hell, but the biggest change would be the weaning. It was so hard for both of us, and it was so abrupt. Her request to nurse last night didn't just surprise me; it brought up old feelings of guilt, loss and phantom let-down. She asked about nursing again this morning, and my boobs still hurt. We've explained that she nursed when she was a baby, but she's a big girl now, and nursing is over. Oddly enough, Soule Mama posted a picture today of her nursing her daughter, who is about the same age as mine. Which made my chest absolutely throb. It's a beautiful photo. Perhaps getting knocked up is a higher priority to me than I realized.

So my little one is getting extra cuddles, and I am refusing to "open my shirt" during these times, but she can still pretend to have Mommy Milk. And I'll just cuddle and accept life for what it is right now and enjoy our time. I'll miss these cuddles when they're gone, too.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Hammers, magazines and a minor flaw

You know what's great about making things? Sometimes you get to use a hammer. I bought a snap setting kit to finish up the bibs I've been making, and it requires a hammer. I'm so happy! Sometimes just whacking the hell out of something is just what you need. Well, what I need, anyway.

I like the snaps better than the velcro I've been sewing on. So far I haven't been able to find a sew on velcro that doesn't have sticky stuff on the back. I like the way the glue holds the velcro in place for sewing, but I detest the process of cleaning off my needle every third stitch with rubbing alcohol because it's coated with the afore-mentioned glue. I am getting a bit more interested in hand sewing, though. Like embroidery, hand sewing is something I can do while traveling, and it seems very satisfying. Or, you know, I could suck at it and end up frustrated and bleeding from thirty or forty holes in my fingers. We'll find out.

I'm jumping around today, both writing here and mentally. I think cabin-fever may have struck; I've been like this for a few days and it doesn't seem to be getting better. The kid and I decided to run to the store last night just to get out of the house. (She actually spent the last hour of our day care day standing by the garage door or following me around asking to "go on an adventure.") We picked up a forbidden Coca-cola, some pretzels, and two magazines: Threads and Domino. Since we don't watch TV and I rarely get out to things like malls or large stores that aren't JoAnn or Whole foods, I'll grab a magazine from time to time to see what's going on in the world.

On a side note, I used to be addicted to HGTV. I love design and organization, and that channel had shows to suit me. Apparently Domino has some deal with Domino, because there was a huge section in the magazine featuring the HGTV Dream Home...a big house you can win. I looked through the pictures, threw up a little in my mouth, got out a sharpie and started "editing" all the ugly crap they used to decorate the Dream House. In one room someone decided to habg a large, stainless steel word on the wall. The word was "BAY." Jesus, people. BAY? Next time just hang up the word "IDIOT." That is, if you feel you really need to hang random words on the wall at all. So I have the feeling that next time I get to sneak an hour or two of HGTV I'm not going to be so impressed.

There were two other things that struck me about this issue of Domino. First, the amount of money they spent needlessly. On one page there was an organizing tip that recommended that you put a cork board, etc on the inside of one of your cabinets. Great idea, actually. But they covered the cork board with fabric that was, if I remember correctly, $168.00 a yard. If I buy fabric that expensive I'm going to wear it every day, on my heard, preferably with a live satellite feed broadcasting my every movement. Plus, that fabric ought to do my hair while it's up there. As I went through the magazine the prices just kept going up, like the editors thought that if you kept reading until the end then you deserve to see the really expensive stuff. It was a little bizarre. Second, while the organizing tips ranged from OK to pretty good, there was very little I could use. Most stuff was at a level where the under three set could reach it, and that will not work here. Maybe I could start a new genre, classy design for daycares and large families. This year I have decided to get a ton of useless shit out of our house, i.e. de-clutter, and that means re-organizing and finding or creating creative storage space, especially for the day care. Domino, your baskets on a low table? Not going to cut it. Perhaps you could do an issue on this issue? Let me know, I'd be happy to consult for a very reasonable fee.

Friday, January 11, 2008

Pajama party day!

The past month has been so hectic for everyone that today we needed a break. The daycare kids are every bit as exhausted as their parents, but they have no control over what's going on in their lives and that leads to acting out. Waaay out. Therefore: Pajama party!

We played kid-friendly board games, ate a picnic lunch on the floor, made cookies, and all bad behavior was put behind us and forgiven. It really seemed to make the little ones feel better, and I got a kick out of spoiling them for a day.

After everyone left the kid and I painted our nails (finger and toe), did our hair, and used face paint to paint ourselves as clowns. This is what greeted J when he walked in the door:

Have a lovely weekend!

Thursday, January 10, 2008


We decided to have Russian Christmas at home on Saturday since J and the kid were too sick to go anywhere. I have yet to master the fancy table set-up for everyday meals, and meals that follow a day of running around and caring for a sick family? Setting a pretty table for those is right out.

Here's a shot of the kid trying to eat her dinner and breathe at the same time. You can tell it's a struggle. The food itself is mostly gross, too, so that didn't help.

On a completely different subject, one of my clients is being induced today. She's having a boy. I made a reversible bib. One side is a very asian style Winnie the Poo print, and the other is a piece of vintage linen I've had no idea what to do with.

I've only made one bib so far because I also caught the Horrible Nasty Funk. It has followed the reverse course of the normal cold; it started in my lungs and chest and has moved to my head. Today I've been fighting off a migraine, not the easiest thing to do with 6 kids running around. They've been really good, though, (for toddlers) and that has really helped. Plus, they wanted to be clowns today. So this face has been helping me see the bright side.

Saturday, January 5, 2008

2008 wants to punch me in the nuts

My husband and child are very sick.

Our trip to Uncle's for Russian Christmas is canceled.

I need to sanitize everything on the first floor because I run a daycare, and also: common sense.

Election year.

We're five days into this year and it's already causing me to have some serious doubts about its good intentions with my daughter.

Friday, January 4, 2008

It didn't go so well last night.

But this little face made me feel better.

My fabric for the kitchen chairs came yesterday. It's beautiful!

By the way, the fabric is Alexander Henry, not Robert Kaufman. They're my favorites, and I often get them confused. I actually ordered more than I needed to give me some room for mistakes, and the fabric is wider than I expected, so I might get to make something neat to wear from this great stuff!

I made this purse last night after two dirty martinis, because I needed to stop crying for a little bit. It took my the entirety of Star Wars to make, and there are some very martini inspired flaws, but it made me feel better. It's no kitty, but it's cute.

Tomorrow we're going to spend most of the day in the car, going to J's uncle's house for Russian Christmas. It's 4 hours each way, just to visit with family and eat bad food. I'm looking forward to it, but there is the riding time, and I don't really feel like chatting. Reading in the car has started making me nauseous, so I think I'll opt for some embroidery. I think maybe I need to learn to knit.

Thursday, January 3, 2008

The Ying and Yang of things

Tonight I'm taking my cat to the vet. She won't be coming back. She has a scarily fast-growing cancer that started just over a month ago in her mammary glands. It has moved into her lungs and this morning I found a tumor on her neck, right after I discovered that she has also become incontinent.

I try to live by the Buddhist philosophy of "Do no harm." This is challenging at the best of times, and coupled with my uber-vegetarian self, helping my cat into her next life has been hard. I don't want her to suffer. At the same time, she can't tell me this is what she wants. After seeing her this morning, however, I'd be willing to bet she'd ask for some help if she could. The pain meds don't seem to be helping much, and her breathing is getting rough. This sucks on toast, but it's the best I can do for her.

When I was in college my chinchilla died. I dug the hole, lined it with grass, placed the chinchilla in, and then broke down bawling. My little sister (7 years younger) was left to fill up the hole by herself. She's the less emotional one, obviously. And in March, when our bunny died, J had to put Frank in the box and bury him, because I was once again a wreck. This time, however, I decided that if she needed to be "Put to sleep" that she wasn't going to do it alone. I'm going to stay with her tonight, and then go home and lose my shit. Maybe it's being a mom (not that I wasn't in March, but something has apparently changed since then) but I no longer want to cower from death. This urge to protect my family from the harder things...where did it come from? Is this because I love my furry little friend more than past pets? Is this because I made her and her sister a promise when they were my only companionship? Or is this a stage that everyone reaches...the point at which it is more important that your child and spouse don't suffer so you shoulder the burden on your own?

My little one is already at her Grandma's house, so that she won't see kitty leave and not come back. J has his game tonight, so I'll be free to cover myself with snot and wail and drink wine, without someone trying to comfort me or asking me to read a story. Hopefully this time will let me get back into fighting form for tomorrow, when I will again be surrounded by the diaper-wearing set. The last kid is usually gone by 5:30, and the appointment is at 6, so I won't have to rush, but there also won't be a lot of time to get morose. I've had this appointment since yesterday, but it was obvious it needed to be made when we woke up New Year's Day. This is the day when the vet's office stays open late, and was therefore the option that didn't include having someone else watch the kids while I took the kitty, returned without her and wept in another room. The latter option would be less pleasing to the parents, I'm guessing.

I've been distracted and anxious today (so much so that I threw up this morning-that was unexpected) but the kids have been good, very good, and I had a comment on my last post, which always gives me a little rush of joy. Both times. (Thanks Annie!) I found out that we could have kitty cremated at a reasonable price, which spares her body the indignity of being stored in the garage until the ground thaws. (J actually looked in our freezer last night and asked about storage room at my parent's house. Horrible, but funny. I wouldn't have handled dead feline friend in our freezer near the Boca burgers well AT ALL.) When the ground thaws we'll bury her ashes and plant a tree with them. It's the best I can do.

(For a (intended to be) short post, this one really rattles on, doesn't it? Thanks for listening.)

Tuesday, January 1, 2008

A new dirty word in our house

When I showed J the pear fabric I was considering, he said something about "pastel" and "bright" and "more earthy." I didn't know he had a serious aversion to "pastel" so we went with a Robert Kaufman print. The pears weren't upholstery weight, anyway. I can't wait to get my package from Sew, Mama, Sew!