Saturday, March 29, 2008

Downersville, but looking up

I made dinner Wednesday night-lentil tacos. I had lettuce sliced into thin strips, refried beans, lentil filling with TVP, Tofutti sour cream, the works. It was nearly ready when J got home. We set the table, and I went to pee before dinner. (TMI, I know. But I'm not great at being subtle. Here comes more...) As soon as I pulled down my drawers, I knew. I started crying, and just kept it up.

I called the doctor, and while I waited for him to call me back I called my Mom. While I waited for her to call back I talked to the doctor, then my Mom called and we made arrangements. The doc wanted to see me, J wouldn't let me drive as upset as I was, so Mom said she'd watch the kids the next day so we could find out what was going on.

The doc did another ultrasound confirming that the pregnancy was gone. He then did a D&C in the office because I was bleeding so badly. If there is a scale of sucking, that went all the way to 11. Seriously, I wanted to punch the guy in the face for making me feel worse. Instead J and I cried through it, then dealt with it. The doc said there was nothing wrong with me; just bad luck. He gave me some instructions, but by then I was hearing nothing. J and I drove to the store to get Advil, we bought donuts and sat in the car feeling like shit. We cried, we talked. I kept going back to the "I lost another one" thoughts. There's no way to fix that. And worse, there's nothing to do but deal.

Oddly enough, or maybe not, I'm fine as long as I'm doing something. My Mom came over to help me with the kids Friday, and it was OK. When everyone left I got pretty down, but my sweet little one healed that up fast. With kisses. It still sucks, this loss. It will for a while; I don't know how long. But it didn't carry the awful shock this time. It was something we'd been through, if not an easy thing, it's at least a known one.

When we found out that our first baby wasn't going to live, we talked about what we would change if we could. I found out something good back then that still stands: I wouldn't trade this experience if it meant someone else would have to go through it instead. 1/4 of all pregnancies end in miscarriage. I've had 2. That means that 2 other women didn't have to go through this. Good. I found out that I'm a tough old broad, at least when it comes to troubled pregnancies. I've survived. I can again if I need to. I'll grieve more before I'm healed, and so will John. But we're friends as well as lovers, and we've known each other long enough to know what the other needs. And he takes REALLY good care of me. I have a wonderful support system of friends and family. I'd rather have this than someone with no one to lean on.


Next time, though, next time will be different. I never lost the feeling that I have to lose a pregnancy to keep one, and I've lost one. I knew I felt too good, and talking about that helped me not to believe it. I can't say I knew something was wrong, but I can't say I didn't, either. That's the bitch of this, even if I did know something was wrong, what could I have done? But I'm pretty optimistic about the next one, and if nothing else, third time's a charm, right?
We could also adopt, and we've talked about that, too.

Well, this is just so much babble, isn't it? To sum up: I'm sad. Very sad. So is my husband. But we've got each other and a funny little girl who is sweet and magically healing, even whilst tantruming. We're going to try again, and if we continue to fail (which the doctor doesn't think will happen) we will secure a sibling for our girl through other avenues, like adoption. We are lucky people. And life is never what you thought it would be, even when you didn't.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Hey-I had a miscarriage. The Dr confirmed and did a D&C this morning because I was bleeding so badly. Everything should be ok after tomorrow. Don't have much else to say.

Back when I feel better.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

SO BUSY

Hey! Sorry about the silence and cobwebs here, I'm just terribly busy right now. Baby shower stuff, day care, dentist visits, writing another service for Sunday, taxes and more are all keeping my hands busy and away from the computer. When I come back (probably next week unless I can get a TON done or sneak a quick post in, like this one) I'll have photos of Easter dresses, a field trip to a butterfly place with E and a friend, some crafty/sewing goodness and a few fun stories. I nervous as hell because I've been feeling pretty good, which is what happened before I miscarried (worried freak am I) but I have another ultrasound on Friday, which will hopefully show me a peanut and let me chill out. (ACK!) Until then, I hope you guys are doing great and had a lovely weekend. And by the way, the next snowflake I see I'm going to shoot. Dead. Enough already!

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Just wondering

Dear Nature,

What the hell? It rains for three days and now it's snowing? Hard?! I know you're having a rough time right now, but really, enough flooding and generally sucking, OK? We miss the sun. We miss you being nice to us. It's OK nature, you are allowed to stop barfing all over the Midwest now. We still love you.

Sincerely,
Everyone up to their ears in mud

What a difference a day makes

I'm taking a half hour break from napkin making right now. If all goes well I should have 20 napkins completely finished by tonight, and another 20 well on their way. The last two days were so miserable that I was beginning to question my hormone levels, my sanity, etc. But last night I found out one of the infants has a viral infection that has given him a rash, and that's why he was such a unhappy and LOUD little guy the past two days. The part timer is at home today, two more are on vacation and my little one is off with her Grandma getting an Easter dress. (Grandma was just dying to treat her. It makes me smile.) So today it's just me and the one year old, and we are having a fine time. I feel like I'm on a mini-vacation of my own, and you know what? This is exactly what I needed.

Last night I went over to my parent's house to pick up my Mom's machine so that I could sew while mine is in the shop. (I'm taking it in tonight.) I ended up being fed cheese (Freegan!) and tea, and generally being treated as a daughter for an hour. I love being a Mom, a business owner, a wife and all the other things I am, but last night I needed to not be any of those things for a little bit. I needed to be sitting in the house that I consider my other home. It's the place my parents have lived longer than any other (14 years! the longest before that was 4 1/2, I think) and going there is the mental equivalent of putting on a favorite sweater. After an hour or so I went home, where my little girl fixed me. She was sweet, she gave me kisses and hugs and asked to go to my class with me. She wanted to "trade hair for a little bit." My husband was around just enough, left me alone just enough. I feel better today.

Becky has been reading about Buddhism lately, and has been outraged by what is going on in Tibet, and also by how little response the situation is garnering. I, too, am outraged and saddened. I've been trying to avoid buying things made in China based on their human rights record and treatment of the Chinese people, but now I am joining my friend in a full boycott of Chinese products. Please consider how much you value your freedoms, and how oppressive the current regime in China is. Then, please, consider joining us in voting with your dollar, and refusing to fund a government's harsh repression of the people it is supposed to protect, not to mention it's occupation of a peaceful, Buddhist country. There is nothing so valuable as freedom and peace.

Now, back to the napkins.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Murphy was just hanging out

Last night, after the day care day was over (and there were more fiascoes, but I won't go into details) I decided to take a long bath. It was lovely; Molly brought me some Lush bath stuff when she came and it is AWESOME. The bath was great, except for the part where I dropped the clock into the tub, killing it. BUT! the rest of the bath was just perfect...it let me relax, finish my book and have a little piece and quiet. Ahhhh.

I got out of the tub just in time to give E and J some kisses before my lovin' husband put her in her bath and then to bed. I went into my sewing room to get some work done. I cut the fabric for 20 of the 60 napkins I'm making, and then I started sewing the 1/4 basting line to make the folding part easier. Then my sewing machine bit the dust. I'm calling for servicing today, but my feeling is that I'm going to get really good at hand sewing really quick in order to get the 15 bibs and 60 napkins finished by April 6th.

So, I went downstairs to knit more of the purse I'm making for Jen, and watch the Star Trek J ordered from Netflix. Star Trek wouldn't play, and I realized that the purse was 1) uneven and 2) now the wrong number of stitches long. So it needs ripped out. I went upstairs and went to bed.

There are just some days where no matter what you do things aren't going to go your way. Today's not progressing much better, so I'm putting painting clothes on everyone, getting out the messy rainy day supplies, and we're just going to embrace the cosmic jokes being thrown at us, because, really, what else can you do?

I hope your day brings you lots of laughter!

Monday, March 17, 2008

I know why I hate Mondays

After a weekend of no sharing, no taking turns, no following the rules at my house the kids are all spastic and crazy. The three year old just crapped her pants for no discernible reason, her brother exploded all over himself and me earlier this morning, E has wet herself twice, and the infant here today is teething. The part-timer woke everyone up multiple times during nap, and I somehow managed to cut the very tip of my finger on E's potty. WHAT THE HELL, UNIVERSE?

The weekend was fabulous, I learned some more about knitting, spent time with fabulous friends and ate well. I'm going to go breathe deeply and get some snack ready, then read some books with the kids. Mondays suck the big one every week, and you'd think I'd be ready for it by now. I am not. I am an optimist, and every week I think about all the fun we're going to have, conveniently forgetting about ending up elbow deep in other people's poop.

It's still better than my last job!

Friday, March 14, 2008

Just in case:

If you ever have a great doctors appointment, and decide to pick up some lunch on the way home, and you are vegan, and you decide to eat the feta and garlic dressing that came with the salad because it's the only thing that has sounded good lately, and you wonder to yourself if it will have any effect on you later....

it will.

Carrying a Micro-Wee

Thanks! Things are good: I now own a fuzzy black and white picture of a black circle with a smaller, white circle inside it. Which is my four week old, um, circle. I go back in two weeks for another ultrasound to make sure everything is progressing as it should, and to hopefully see something a little more developed. The yolk-sack is the right size, so that's good news. (With the first one, the first sign we had that something was wrong was an enlarged yolk-sack. This is one worry/milestone I can check off my list as "no longer a worry!") I'm still reeling a bit with the sense of unreality about the whole thing, and I haven't yet shaken the idea that I have to lose a baby before I can have one, but I'm starting to feel a bit more optimistic. I might even be getting a little excited!

My Mom came in to pinch hit for me at the day care while I went to the doctor. After talking to her on the phone on my way home I've decided I owe her something really nice for doing this. Handling 6 kids at the same time can be tough, especially if you're not used to it. Luckily she only got peed on once, and it was by her granddaughter. (who hasn't had an accident in 2 weeks....) She left looking like she needed a nap, and without her urine-drenched socks, but promising to do it again for my next appointment if she could. I'm thinking I'll get her a Barnes and Noble gift card. And my heart, encased in gold.

Tomorrow I'm going to go out to lunch with my friend Jen, who has been having a tough time both at work and with throwing another friend a baby shower. I'm helping with the shower, so this will let us multi-task: I can cheer her the hell up and we can talk about what's left to do. I'm excited! I'm going to run a few errands solo before meeting up with Jen. They are all shower related, but I am going to luxuriate in the time I have sans anyone. I need some time alone, out of the house and getting stuff done! Then our friends Kyle, Molly and George are coming into town, and it will be lovely to see those three. Especially George, who is slated to become E's boyfriend. (It's an arranged relationship, but we really like his breeding, and he's so cute!) Molly knits, so this might be a wonderful opportunity to get some feedback and maybe some advice. If she's not in the mood for knitting stuff I've decided to take a class, but it'll be fun to show her my sad attempts no matter what.

Tonight J needs to write his service for Sunday, so I'm going to get sewing. I've scrapped the plans for E's Easter dress for two reasons. First, we're not Easter people. We follow a more Eastern type of spirituality and have been known to refer to this holiday as "Zombie Jesus Day." (No offense meant, but as horror fans it's too funny not to say!) Secondly, I have 15 bibs and 60 napkins to make for the baby shower, not to mention my gift. So I need to get moving since the shower is April 6th. I will still make the dress for her, it just won't be for Easter. She'll wear something she already has to church with her Bubba, and life will keep on rollin' just fine. The important thing is that she'll be sharing something that means a lot to her Bubba with her, because Bubba very much is an Easter person, and I love that about her. She'll have all her grandkids in church with her this year, and her sweet Catholic heart is going to melt with joy. YAY!

I hope you have a great weekend! Thanks again for commenting, it really made me smile. If I can figure out how to get the scan of The Circle on here, I'll share it!

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Photos to keep the worry away

This is from last Friday between 4 and 5 pm:


This is from last Saturday, between 8 and 9 am:

This is a shot of our dormer windows, way the hell up on the roof of our house. It's a little dark, but do you see how much snow is there? LOTS O SNOW!
Here's an action shot showing just how deep this snow really was. It's up to E's waist, and J's knees!
The Wee One, coming in after several facefuls of snow. She'd had it. Luckily she had a much better time the next day!


The kid wearing the newly finished scarf before going out. Note the pride! Mama made it!

Here's the beach-coming bag I made for Becky. Surprise Gnomes on the inside! It has lots of little pockets for beach glass and the like.

Shot of little pockets. I was surprised this morning when one of my parents picked it up and asked if I had made it. She wanted one, and told me to sell them for "a mint" at ComFest! (A local Community Festival here. It's a big deal.) It was a little pick-me-up I needed. I hope Beck likes the bag that much, too!

So there! Pictures as promised. I couldn't write yesterday because it would have been all about my worry. I go see the doctor tomorrow morning, so if everything goes well you should hear about it tomorrow night. If not, I don't know. I'm trying to focus on the positive here! The feeling right now is of going up the clickity clackity part of the roller coaster, just before it starts down that first big hill. You know that it'll probably be OK; the odds are in your favor that the cars won't fly off the tracks, and that you are going to have such a blast, and it'll be over way too soon. BUT! There's still that little voice, the one going "Ohhh boooy, here we go here we go here gooooo!" Light a candle, say a prayer, ask the four winds, whatever you do, please send good thought for a happy outcome!

Monday, March 10, 2008

At least I finished something

This weekend was great, but odd. (I'm including today in that statement, for no good reason.) We were pummeled with 16 or so inches of snow on Saturday. There was so much that when we finally ventured outside it came up to E's waist! I managed to finish knitting her scarf Saturday morning so she was able to wear it outside, and she loved it. Which made me a very happy Mama, or Eddie, as she is now calling me. (Still in the Maisy-verse...) All our weekend commitments were canceled and so we spent the weekend together doing nothing. Well, there was a little laundry, but that was about it. It was wonderful. I even used the internets to learn how to do the purl stitch, so now I can make the girl the arm-warmers she wants! (To match her blue scarf, of course.) Saturday afternoon we decided to give her a special treat and let her watch "Finding Nemo." We don't watch TV so this was a big deal. But you know what? There are a lot of scary parts to that movie if you are 2, and even though she wanted to watch it again right after it was over I still felt bad about her getting scared. She had a little bad dream that night, one that was quickly soothed away by kisses, but still.

Yesterday my Mom came over and took her for the sleep-over we had to postpone for the blizzard. J and I had some nice time together, and between last night and tonight I managed to get Becky's bag finished. I'll post pics of all sorts tomorrow when J isn't waiting to write his service for Sunday. But, if you are counting, that's 2 (TWO!) projects completed! WOOT!

Today the mail delivery lady, who is, eccentric? decided to try to ramp the 16+ inch snow pile left by the plow in front of our mailbox in her 1984 ish Toyota. It didn't work out well, and ended up taking me, our neighbor's 14 year old, a random Stanley Steamer driver and two Mexican construction workers to get her out. Luckily it was nap time, so I could help.

Lastly, I am a nervous wreck right now. It will either be fine or it won't, but man! My brain keeps freaking out on me when I least expect it. Start lighting some candles or something for Friday, will you? I'm going to go distract myself with some sewing...

Friday, March 7, 2008

Why I'll never be a spy:

I'm not great with keeping things close to the vest. I try, but my brain has always been two steps ahead of my mouth, so I tend to blurt things out. Before thinking. Lots.

So it's been really hard to stop myself from writing about what's been going on here lately. I've been holding back because I'm being cautious without trying to be, I'm a little superstitious without meaning to be, and I'm terribly, terribly excited and afraid.

I'm pregnant.

It's early. Less than a month. My projected due date is the same as it was for E (Nov 10th), which is a good sign to me. But I don't know what's going to happen, and with the trouble I had with the first two rounds of pregnancy I am alternately happy and scared to death. My doctor is great and I trust him. But that first ultrasound? It's like having your fortune told in an old movie. If it's a love story you'll get a god fortune. If it's a werewolf movie you won't. And you don't know until you talk to that gypsy just what kind of movie you're in.

Ultimately there is nothing I can do about this. I'm eating well, feeling pretty good and trying to get plenty of sleep. I keep checking things, however; things that mean everything or nothing. Am I nauseous enough? Am I tired enough? Do my boobs hurt enough? Is that a growing pain or a cramp? Will this be wonderful, or am I going to get hurt again? I can't know until it happens, and the amount of fear I have is directly proportionate to the amount of happy I am about having another little one to love. So much hope! I know that everything will be OK no matter what, but getting my hormone addled mind and heart to agree with that statement takes so much deep breathing sometimes I get all woozy.

Thanks for listening, guys. I appreciate it. I'll let you know how things stand as soon as I can.

In other news we're supposed to get about a foot of snow here between today and tomorrow. Greenemama, I am seriously envying your sunny park days right now!

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Shhh

I have a doctor's appointment next Friday, and until I go to it my brain just isn't going to be right. Right now I feel like Alice must have felt when she realized she was just going to fall down that hole for awhile. My mental state isn't normal for me right now, I can tell because on of the kids sniffed her soup today and started crying and telling me she didn't like it. I wanted to respond "YOU WILL EAT EVERY BITE OR I WILL PUT YOUR FAVORITE TOY IN THE BLENDER. " Not the way I normally handle these things, so I told her she at least needed to try. I left Pink Bunny out of it entirely. This is all nerves and maybe hormones, but I think it's time to start that meditation back up, don't you?

In other, related news, I can't seem to get anything done. Last night I hemmed J's pants fro his new suit, the one he needed to wear today. (He looked so handsome when he left!) But that was pretty much it. I've got a bag 1/3 made for Becky, an Easter dress to make for E, a shower gift for a friend, and that's just the fun stuff. The laundry has started roaming the house on it's own, but it can't find the laundry room because the metric ton of baby and kid crap from the daycare keeps sending it in the wrong direction. My favorite fantasy right now is having both a housecleaning service and a team from HGTV stop by my house to clean and organize it while I'm out getting a massage and my hair and nails done. And let's not mention the lack of any progress on my taxes, OK? There is some good news, though. I somehow forgot that my sister is not only an accountant, she is also waiting for the results of her last test, so she is probably a CPA right now. And! this sweet, brilliant and fun lady was OFFERED! to do our taxes for us. I really regret that time I put soap in her mouth now.

For the time being, if you see me wandering down the street half dressed or something, will you please send me home? I really need a guide dog devoted to laundry right now. Sheesh.

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

The soft underbelly of craft and spirituality

First off, click on the link to The Owl and the Pussycat, right now. Don't worry, I'll be here when you get back. Maybe it's just that I'm uber-hormonal right now, but that story was so wonderful it made me tear up. I wish I could give E something like that. I think we might need to move out of the mid-west soon, so she can experience beauty of the kind in that post. *breathing deeply*
......

So! I grew up in a household consisting of a non-practicing Jewish father and a non-practicing Quaker mother. My grandparents ended up joining a baptist church when I was 10(?), and they were the only people in my family to ever take me to church. I didn't like the message there; it seemed like an affront to everything my entire family believed. As I've read and listened to religious leaders and influential people in my life, I've realized that no matter how much I admire someone, I will never agree 100% with what they say and do. A lot is good, and a lot is very bad.

I still distrust organized religion on the whole, so it was with great dismay four years ago that I received the news that J wanted to check out a few Unitarian Universalist churches in the area. We went to visit exactly one, a small lay-led fellowship pretty close to where we live. It was small, friendly, intellectual and the people were wonderful. There was a honeymoon year, and it has all hit the skids since then.

One of the problems with a lay-led fellowship is that the members of the fellowship are the ones who do everything. We clean, we give the services, we take care of the maintenance, etc. The problem in our little group is that a lot of the folks that joined stopped showing up for services and workdays. However, the biggest problem we're having right now is members leaving. Every time someone quits, we need to figure out what they had committed to doing so that those duties can be covered. This means that the few people left doing what needs done now have more to do, burning them out and making it more likely that they, too, will soon quit fro greener pastures.

One of the things most commonly left open are services. So this weekend I'm giving the service because, when my friend quit, I told her I'd find something to talk about. This week's service will be on making things, creating and the like. It's something very dear to me, this creative process. I'm calling it "The Making and The Maker." It's not about God per se, but more about how when we create something, we never do it alone. I may make a bag or scarf for a friend, and even though I sew it alone, whatever I have made was a collaborative effort. Going backwards, there was the store I purchased the fabric from, the people who rang up my purchase, cut the fabric, put it on the shelves, unloaded from the truck, drove it to the store, (and all the food, gas and materials used in trucking the fabric) printed the bolts of fabric, designed the fabric, farmed the cotton for the fabric, planted the cotton and on and on. Then there's the thread, the machines I use, the people who taught me to sew and embroider, and again, on and on.

Nothing we do in this life stands alone. Each action has an affect on those around us and our environment. I not only make things out of fabric, I also create the community I am in. Making something has always been a spiritual experience for me, whether I make a skirt or a fellowship. Creating a place that is safe for others who are persecuted (UU's are "safe congregations" for the gay, lesbian and transgender communities) or a gift that will make someone's day, those things are the same to me. When it comes down to it, the intention leads to the action, and the action leads to a creation. What we create either changes this world for the better or for the worse. It always has an impact. And that can be such a wonderful, wonderful thing.

Sunday, March 2, 2008

Hot Damn, it's been a week.

I'm not sure what the hell happened to my brain this week, or last week for that matter. Actually, I think I may have figured out what my mental problem is, but I'm going to keep you in suspense. At least for a little while. Life is more fun when you have something to look forward to, isn't it?

Things here are progressing nicely. I have figured out how to spell Dalai Lama, and I finished reading his autobiography for the second time. I find his writing wonderful to read. Next I'm going to tackle Egan's The Keep, then the Bhagavad-Gita. After that I'm probably going to go to the library and pick a biography or two. With no TV for four years now, I'm beginning to miss A&E and Peter Graves. I love people's stories. Even my friends, I just love to hear about their lives. Especially "how we met" stories: friends and couples and how they first met, those stories fascinate me.

I'm working as fast as I can on E's knitted scarf. I have no idea how some of you knit sweaters and the like. This thing has taken me forever, but I love it. There. I said it. I love knitting. Sign me up for stray cat of the month club. Maybe someday I'll be able to knit socks, which is my goal. I AM SO COOL.

This weekend J and I had a couple of hours to ourselves so that we could go suit shopping for the man. We ended up going to one of our favorite South Indian restaurants, and I used a gift card to get a back rest pillow from Bed, Bath and Beyond. Have you gone into one of those places lately? So. Much. Stuff. It's insane! I found my pillow and ran out. The pillow's really comfy, though! I knitted while leaning against it last night, and was very content.

Well, that my random rambling for now. It's time to round these little ones up, take them outside and let them get DIRTY! Hooray for a warm day!