Thursday, April 3, 2008

Life as a spaz

Day by day, things are getting a little better. I've been having overwhelming and nearly constant panic attacks since Monday, but those seem to be slowing down, and I'm hoping I can wean off the Xanax by next week. Being crazy sucks sometimes.

Something that helped me out today, though, was non-prescription. It was (once again) from The Owl and The Pussycat, and it's an article about Buddhism. Reading things like that really bring me back to the center. I wish I could do it completely on my own all the time. Maybe someday, if I keep working at it?

The panic attacks, they are horrible. I start twitching, I can't hold still and it feels like my body is filled with bees. It's been so bad this week that I haven't been able to get anything done, and I have a lot to do! It starts with the nagging thought that "nothing is going to be OK." It can be more specific, but most of the time it starts with that little thought and just spirals, quickly, out of control. I can't breathe, I can't sit still, I can't think. I cry and cry. And it's all chemical. I hope, hope HOPE that this gene missed my girl. I wouldn't want George W. Bush to feel this way, therefore anyone I like should be right out.

So thanks. Thank you to everyone who commented or called or emailed me last week or this one. You've made such a difference, and even if I couldn't talk to you right then, you really helped. (And Husband, if you should happen to read this, thanks for loving someone who feels so unlovable sometimes. I'd be lost without you.) If I keep my shit together for the rest of the day, E and I are going to go pick up my sewing machine from the shop, have some dinner and take a nice "Mommy Chuppie" in my big tub with good smelling bath stuff. Then I'm going to work out again (I've been doing 2 miles with Leslie Sansone a day-I now fit back into my pants!) and write my service for Sunday, which J is going to give because I have a baby shower. Which I need to finish my gift for. One hour at a time, girl. One hour at a time!

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