Today had been a bad day. The kids have been pretty good, except for the near constant screaming this morning of one or the other of the babies. We went outside and worked on the flower beds. We trimmed and pruned and played. We had our snack on the porch. We moved rocks. I was doing OK, screaming aside, until we got the mail and went inside.
Today's mail had a bill for my miscarriage. It had a $283.++ bill. I called the insurance. They explained I had another bill coming. I explained the situation again-I did not go to a hospital, my Dr's office sent this stuff to the lab, plus I wouldn't stop bleeding so I had to have a D&C. They people on the phone told me it had something to do with my deductible. And they repeated that again and again. I knew it was not the fault of the person on the phone. When I started crying I hung up. Because getting that bill and knowing another one was coming, it ripped me open again. I felt the tear start and just keep going. I went into the bathroom and sobbed while the kids refused to eat their mixed veggies. I came out, calmed down as best I could, and kept going.
I tried talking to John, but he doesn't know what to do or how this feels. I thought about calling my mom, or a friend, or just anyone. I'm really happy that I have and appointment with a psychologist tonight, because I'm starting to feel two steps from crazy and crying all the time. The psychiatrist's appointment still isn't until 5/29, but I need some help now. After nap I'm going to demand hugs and cuddles from the kids while I read them lots of books. (Outside looks like rain.) That will help a lot.
Please let me be clear here: I hate this. I hate feeling like this. I haven't had such a tenuous hold on my cry-control since we quit smoking, or when E wasn't sleeping for weeks at a time. Thank all that is good in the world that I have these warm little sweeties to gather around me and make me feel better...
The mail wasn't all bad, though. I GOT MY NECKLACE! Holly was sweet enough to send earrings, a cd and a matching ponytail holder and button for E and I! Thank you thank you! It cheered me up a ton. I also looked up the meaning of the gemstones. Bad Mommy-I forgot that citrine is E's birthstone (November) and it's supposed to help with depression. Petrified wood clears obstacles. Add a metal thimble and this really was meant for me. I urge irders from Mixtape. Thanks Holly! I'll post pics ASAP.