Friday, May 30, 2008

Photo finish

Hey! Look! Look at my garden! It's got plants, actual plants in it! And a fence that isn't a hazard to small children! ROCK! For no reason, Stephen King.
The story so far:
Last week my blogging killer was laundry. This week it has been a certain infant who sleeps next to the computer and now seems to be supernaturally sensitive to the sounds of typing. No matter how softly I touch the keys, the little dude starts grunting and squirming. And if he wakes up, THEY ALL WAKE UP. So blogging, once again, took the back seat this week. On the plus side, the computer finally loaded my damn pictures, so I can share!

Also, I saw the shrink that can prescribe medicine yesterday, and got my official alphabet soup diagnosis. It was actually so very wonderful to talk to this woman who understood what was going on, and who listened. She and I came up with a plan for pregnancy, dealing with my Official Diagnosis(es), and medication in general. She gave me a bunch of options that were non drug based, which was wonderful. I have ADHD, which I knew I had, but apparently there's a lot more to it than I knew. It's why I can't remember what I had for lunch, why I get grouchy, and has a lot of other symptoms that make sense. Panic disorder, yep. General anxiety disorder, check. Chronic severe depression, double check. Etc. Good news: I'm doing tons better and it's all treatable. And now: the photos...
We went to the zoo last weekend, and all my girl wanted to see was Tigers. There was a tiger statue she could sit on and that made her very happy.

As did the goats at the petting zoo. My heart warms!

Who knew prairie dogs were adorable?

We raised and released three butterflies for the daycare. What a blast! Here's my favorite one on release day. We released them into the garden and had a butterfly shaped cake, as well as various butterfly themed activities. This guy went right to my sage bushes and helped himself to some tasty nectar.

I made that gate. By myself. Sure, it may look hoopty in the photo, but it's a DAMN FINE GATE.
My composter's new home, with added steps for ease of raccoon entry.

A garland the kids and I made from cinnamon scented pine cones left over from the holidays and scraps of fabric. It makes me stupidly happy.

A picture of my hanging lanterns. Do not adjust your monitor, I loaded the picture sideways. I am smart. SMRT.

Butterfly before release. I think he's happier in the garden photo.

The tigers at the zoo taking a nap. I love the paw on the wall. They're so cute it's hard to imagine they could rip you to pieces, isn't it?

A few things that have happened:
  • Our fence will be going in next week! I'm really damn excited. This means that I'll be able to take the kids outside without getting my daily white hair. WOO HOO!
  • I booked a cabin for three nights during our vacation. It has a hot tub. Hot tub!
  • The first day of vacation for me will include a 6 1/2 hour spa day. My husband got me the best mother's day gift, ever.
  • This weekend I will post jewelry photos. For you to laugh at!
Hope you have a great weekend, as always. It's time to bathe my girl.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

The turtle and the hare, real time version

How the hell is it Tuesday? May? 26! And while time itself has jettisoned me out of sync so that I'm still mentally unprepared for June to start nextfrigginweek, my computer is taking roughly 4 years to download my pictures. How can everything go so fast and so slow at the same time? Dude.

My posts have become woefully sporadic, but this week should start the trend of blogging more regularly again. I've spent so much time in the last few weeks getting my shit together that it's actually nearly together, and I can now focus on life again. The sewing/craft room is nearly complete. It's at least a place I can work in now, which is a vast improvement from the "stacks of crap everywhere" theme I had going on before. Creativity is messy. I picked up a book on polymer clay at Half Price Books yesterday, as well as a book on jewelry making. (I WILL post some pics of my stuff soon HollyLynne! And yes, add me to the addicts list now.) The goal of these two items is to combine them into wine charms and the like fr some consignment stuff I hope to sell. I also started making a wine cork mobile last night. The juices are flowing, my friends, and nothing makes me feel better than making something with these two hands. Hooray!

I also went to the nursery yesterday and got my garden plants, and then spent a few hours banging posts into the ground and stretching fence. I'll post the $^%$#^ before and after pictures once the ^%$@* computer loads them. Honestly, this is taking WAY too damn long. Anyway, gardening rocks. Once the fence goes in we're going to add blueberries and strawberries, and pumpkins. I feel like I'm creating my own little haven that the HOA can't touch. In that vein, does anyone have any ideas fro finding small bits of colored glass? I'd like to make some mobiles/hanging things to hang around the yard and/or in the trees to add to the magical place effect of the yard. John and I are also talking about a trellis with a grape vine. Hee hee! We want to try making some wine someday. Also mead, but we're not ready for bee keeping at this location.

Man, not blogging means I have tons to tell you. Which means either I break this up or write a novel. Or I could leave a bunch out. For now I'm going to leave you hanging, because a watched computer never finishes downloading pictures, apparently. That, and it's snacktime, and the natives are growing restless...

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Cheerfully indignant

Apparently I didn't mention that I was taking an Ambien to John last night, so he was very surprised when I fell asleep sitting up with a drink in my hand. He said I was "cheerfully indignant" when he took my drink away.

I had a blast last weekend. My surprise was bowling at a charity event sponsored by the local Blues club. E scored 2 strikes in the last game and honestly beat her mother at bowling. She also woke up the next morning and her first words were"I want to go bowling again, with the bowling shoes!" The shoes are obviously very important.

Beck same into town, and we rocked the arts fair, among other things. We ditched a meditation that we thought was a more interactive Buddhist celebration. We found a really beautiful park, ate the best lunch ever, made jewelry, and hung up paper lanterns on my front porch. Later we found them blown down and huddled in the corner, waiting to be disintegrated by the oncoming rain. They're inside now.

There was a little cookout Saturday night, with all my favorite people and an unexpectedly beautiful evening after a cold and blustery day. I got offered a job teaching children's workshops at community art center in town. It's not a lot of money, but it's some, and would be fun. I can do it on Saturdays, and as many or as few as I want.

After Beck left I wasn't sure what to do with myself. Let me tell you, if you only have a couple of good friends in a lifetime, you're very lucky. Some people never get any. Becky is one of the people I'm thankful for. She's funny, she's smart, she's talented, creative, artistic, and the first person to ever moon me. We were and are partners in crime. There was a time in my life when I didn't get to talk to Becky very much. Seeing her now is a little gift, a part of my life I thought I'd lost resurrected and just as much fun as I remember it. So I built a compost area with pavers and mulch, and long, thin sticks of dried bamboo.

I like building stuff.

A friend gave me a refrigerator box for the kids. We've built an awesome clubhouse with a door, windows and window latches. It's awesome. I'd love to show you pictures of all this, but John brought home the batteries this evening, so they're still charging. That's correct-my dumb ass forgot to buy batteries all weekend long, so none of this was captured. The good news: the batteries will be ready for tomorrow. And so will I.

Friday, May 16, 2008

End of the week wrap up

I knew starting a business in my home would mean I would be home a lot, but I failed to realize for much traveling to and from work allowed me to pick up small items that I need. And the lunch break...ahh, wandering about and being able to buy caffeine. Now if I need something, for instance coffee or a Coke or umm, batteries fro my flippin camera, I either need John to stop on his way home or I need to go out after the kids leave, during rush hour. Or I do it on the weekend. This is by no means a huge problem, unless you can't find part of your coffee maker and/or you are a spaz and keep forgetting to buy Coke when you are out. And batteries. I think my brain is officially pickled.

I went to the goodwill I may have donated the coffee maker part to, but no luck. Unless that little plastic bastard shows up this weekend we will be purchasing a new coffee maker (with a timer!) ASAP. I'm actually not a huge caffeine drinker normally, but I need a little help with the med induced snoozes that keep trying to happen. (I did enjoy my nap, though!) It does not bode well for a day care when the care giver runs the risk of snoozing in her Toasted Oats.

After the Goodwill run I forgot the Coke and batteries, or I would show you so many pictures your tiny head would pop. Let's see, there's the assortment of animals now in our yard/destroying my garden: 2 rabbits, 1 groundhog, raccoon, a pair of cardinals, bluejays, goldfinches, and the occasional woodpecker. There's the melon I managed to cut with a seed on the knife so a really funky zig-zag pattern happened, the mutant spider I found in the kitchen, and the really freaking awesome bracelet from MixTape I was given for my birthday! When I pulled it out of the envelope the kids immediately clamored for it. One said "It's bee utiful!" and my daughter asked if she could have it. (I said no. She did get to look at it, though.) They all touched the coins on it, and we talked about all the places they came from. The babies cried when I wouldn't let them grab it. Plus, I now jingle when I walk! I'm not putting on the newly repaired necklace until the babies go home, however. Even if Holly did include a repair kit...And by the way? Go to MixTape and buy something. I've added Indie Home Ec as a link on the side. Don't know why it wasn't there before. So go there, get to her store, and check it out. It made me one happy momma!

And, last but not least, the fabulous Becky is coming into town tonight! We're going to a Buddhist gathering tomorrow, then my surprise, then a little birthday party. Sunday there's an art fair thing going on, and we're having our neighbors over for dinner. (First time in 4 years. We're the weird people in the neighborhood, and they avoid us.) I'm really looking forward to the next couple of days. I wish you a wonderful time, too!

I'm going to go nap now.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Dragging my ass

One of the side effects of the Lexapro is tiredness. Another seems to be misplacing the part of your coffee maker that holds the filter and coffee. Combine the two and you get me doing things like:

  • losing the batteries for my camera
  • falling asleep while putting the kids down for their nap
  • staring off into space while trying to make lunch
  • calling each child all six names in order to figure out which one is correct
I haven't made anything in a few days, either. I have pants that are just waiting to be cut out, etc etc etc. Too tired. Must lay down and zzzzzzzzz.....

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

China Boycott vs. outdoor lighting

So in my effort to boycott China for human rights horrors and their treatment of Tibet and the people therein, I have been searching online for the origin of the string lights I would like to buy. You see, I'd love some lighting outside for my party Saturday, so some hurricane lamps hung from trees would be nice, or some string lights, or torches. Whatever. I'm not picky about the way light is provided, I just want the vessel to be made in another part of the world.

It's fucking impossible.

Every single light I have come across that does actually list its origin is made in China. I called a few companies to find out whether or not the lights were made in China, and they couldn't tell me. They had to check with the buyer and get back to me, which is fine. But I'd bet a chocolate cake the answer is China.

So tonight, after I run another errand, I'm going to try and find some damn lights or light holders. I'm not optimistic. Maybe I can find something at Goodwill...that would be great.

So far I haven't been able to find any clothes line not made in China, either. The fabric store has become a bit problematic, too, because the fabrics I like the best are usually MIC as well. It has kept me in check, though, with the not buying to much.

Stupid people being mean to other people and having to be responsible. I love making even a little difference in the world, but sometimes it's kind of a pain.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

The most amazing thing

I just read something amazing.

"...and beneath their very pillows rush herds of walruses and whales."

Why the hell have I never read this book before? It's slow going, and I'm a fierce reader. I devour books, push my way through them. I can't do that with "Moby Dick." Melville, love you, man. What an image.

Just a jump to the left

I have officially entered a time warp over here.

I apparently spent the last 2 days reading "Duma Key" by Stephen King. Good book. It was, indeed, a birthday present. I had a great birthday and Mother's Day, and they rolled together into one fabulous weekend. But I still don't see how it's Tuesday, or May, or 2008. Or how I'm 30. What the hell, wasn't I just debating whether or not I should buy a fake ID? It reminds me of a saying..."The days are long but the years fly by." Yes, yes they do.

I'm having a party this weekend to celebrate the big 3-0, and I want to invite friends over to play games in the backyard. Pin the something on something, toss something, the mummy game (where you wrap another person in toilet paper as fast as you can) and maybe some of those games you do with balloons or oranges. I'd like cake and beer and laughter. Most of all, I'd like people to show the hell up, because we live out of town a little, and sometimes they say they are coming and then don't. This makes me cry, and feel hurt, and for fuck's sake, friends, it's a birthday party! There will be free cake! Even if no one shows up, though, I'm going to have a good time. I haven't had a birthday party in a while. I'll have my best friend in town, and we're going to spend most of the day at a Buddhist gathering. Actually, it's a birthday party for Buddha. I just put two and two together. You are witnessing my slow brain at work.

Anyway, we have to be back by three, because John has a surprise for me. One that won't allow us preparation time, and means we can't have people over until 7. I have no idea what it is, but I'm having a grand time guessing. Pony? no. Circus? no. Stripper? no. An organizing team from HGTV? no. I'll let you know. Maybe it's a feng shui consultant! Or, well, honestly, I have no idea.

One mighty fine thing about this weekend was that my husband gave me a spa day, at my favorite spa, to be used at a later date. There's this tub thing they have...just let my wipe up the drool here...this tub thing. It's awesome. They put you in warm, good smelling water and it's like a jacuzzi but better, the lights are low, the room is empty, ahhhhhhhh. I'm looking forward to the facial and massage and everything else, but the tub, OH THE TUB!

I was also given a gift card fro JoAnn's, which will, along with my handy-dandy 40% off coupon, allow me to buy the cutting table I have been thinking about for a long time. I'll need to re-arrange the room a bit, but I look forward to playing real-life Tetris. It'll be fun. (If you want to know how bad the surprise is getting to me, Tetris led to games, games led to "Maybe he's getting me a Wii! I need help.) The big ass cutting mat my sister gave me needs a home, you know. Plus, cutting on the ironing board has met with varied success.

It appears that if I don't blog regularly I end up with tons of boring shit to post. My apologies. Do I have any interesting shit? Let's see...ah. It seems that there are pro-anorexia communities out there. I told John about what I'd found with the skinny girl, and he told me about the groups. Ugh. What else? The week of colds in children seems to be ending. Two boxes of tissues were destroyed. I had a mole removed and it was benign. This afternoon I'm taking the kids out to plant lettuce and eucalyptus. Maybe the Rhododendron. We'll see how it goes. I think that's all I've got. I need to go look at vacation stuff, or we'll be having another house vacation and I spend enough time here. It's time for a cabin with a hot-tub.

Saturday, May 10, 2008

Sad to see

We've had quite a week... all the kids got a cold. I did, too, but I can take decongestants, so I did better than the poor wees! Six runny noses, six coughing miserable little guys, six fevers. Thank goodness they all go home at night. I had enough trouble taking care of one feverish little one in the evenings. The good news is that we're all feeling better. The bad news is that I now have to sanitize everything in the house, so I'm going to be up to my elbows in bleach tomorrow. Not really all that bad, actually.

There's this thing out on the internets called the "Random Image Generator." It takes the last 30 photos posted on Live Journal and puts them in a row. It's like 30 random insights into everyday life. You can click on the link to the actual journal if you so choose, and sometimes I do. I found some cool stuff this way, and some neat people. I have also found some disturbing subcultures, like the anorexia one I stumbled onto again today. There's a girl who is going to go on a 40 day fast starting today, because she ate yesterday. She's 18 and in college. She just took a nutrition class and lied through the entire thing, saying "it felt good not to eat all the things I said I did." She posted a picture of someone that looked like they were dying of starvation for "thinspiration" and commenters were leaving her messages of support. Telling her that the "cold and pain" were good.

This girl is 18. She's killing herself. To be thin. I don't know her name, where she lives or what she looks like. But I'm going to think about her all day today, and into the future. I'm going to send her all the positive energy I can muster, because I can't imagine how bad she must feel about herself to go to those extremes. Poor, poor girl. What a sad thing, and that there are others encouraging her, and doing the same thing. How can we help, when there are so many in the world that need help? And basic things like food and water? If I ever find an answer to that, I'll share it. But now I'm going to go enjoy turning 30 and being a Mom. I hope you have a great weekend, too, and send good thoughts to that girl, OK? Thanks.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

I'm BACK!

Sorry about the break, guys. And thanks for the comments! I needed a little time to adjust to not feeling like squirrels were in my brain. After a week on the new drug I'm sane again. Only two panic attacks this week, I have more patience, and I actually MADE something last night! It's a bracelet fro mother's day. It was my first one and it turned out pretty well, I think. I went to our local bead shop to get my Tibetan Bodi wood bracelet restrung, and they went and talked me into getting some supplies. It took the girl all of 40 seconds, probably. I haven't taken a picture yet (I never have a picture when I post. Bad blogger!) but I'm taking pictures of the kids today after nap, so I'll do it then. I think I actually danced last night after finishing the bracelet. I made something, I learned to do something new, and I have a pretty gift for my rockin Mom.

Can you tell I'm feeling better?

I've been on rounds of trips to doctors, and I have good news. My cholesterol is great, my kidneys and liver are great, I'm not anemic and my thyroid is working just fine. My OB/GYN gave me a physical "all clear" yesterday. We're still adjusting medication a bit, but that's actually a good thing. My only complaint right now is that I had a mole removed yesterday and I keep bumping the #$%^(%$ thing on everything. Ouch!

I haven't tried the grommets yet (grommet grommet grommet) because my lazy ass has yet to re-sew the pocket organizer. It's laid out, so maybe that will change tonight. I'm going to have to wait and see how tired I am-that's one side effect that will take some time to get over. Slowly but surely I will get back to my crafty self, and I'll take pictures! I swear!

In fact, I may post the bracelet picture this very evening. Stay tuned... OH! and check out this post from Dooce-it's a great commentary about blogging about being a Mom.

Friday, May 2, 2008

the whole

I feel like I have so much to say, and yet so little.

I've finally finished ripping all the pockets off the pocket organizer I made. It needed to hang horizontally, and I made it vertical. (Does that make sense?) So I ripped off the pockets and am going to re-sew them today or tonight. So much re-organizing depends on this little project; I am excited to get it done and hung. The final touch will be grommets. I really hope I do OK with grommets, I'd hate to botch the whole thing at the last step. (I will of course practice first.) My Mom decided she wants a lilac bush for Mother's Day, so the pressure is off there. I may make her napkins or something anyway, because I found the best horse themed fabric ever. And it's just her style.

I didn't sleep as well last night, but I slept better than I had before the drug. The panic attacks have all but disappeared. I'm feeling less up and down, and a bit more mellow in general. Who knows? This might even return to family and craft blog, instead of crazy 101 blog. I hope so.

I've noticed lately that the blogs I really love are the ones that deal with both the good and bad of life. I really enjoy the optimistic, crafty "everything is sunshine and roses and HAPPY!" blogs, too, but they aren't whole. Life is good, yes, but it also has its moments of a less savory kind. There are a few blogs I read that the author is willing to admit that they aren't perfect, that they have issues as parents and as people. What I admire is the courage it takes to admit these things, then to improve and move forward. It's very hard sometimes to move on, to accept flaws and to own them, so that those flaws can be dealt with and life can move on.

I know I've been stuck in this place for a while. Thanks for wading through it with me. I'd like to move on now, to focus more on making things and what my little one and family are doing. I'm still going to mention how the drug is working, and how I'm doing in the head, because this is the first time I've ever kept a record, and it might be helpful later. But the focus? It shall change from whiny lady. Because dude, it's getting old.

Have a good weekend, and I'll see you Monday with pictures!

Thursday, May 1, 2008

Waking up

Tuesday morning we woke up to snow. It was beautiful and unexpected. I took my first personal day off from work since I started the business. E and I went to see some doctors, I got some blood drawn (she held my hand and helped me to be very brave) and ran some errands. We went to see her daddy at work, bought more fabric (SEND HELP) and went home to take a nap. Everything went well, but took twice as long as it was supposed to. There were a lot of things we didn't get to do, like visiting the bead shop, paint your own pottery store, and the post office. (I'm so sorry Holly, it'll be Saturday now!) We had a nice time.

When John got home I tried again for the bead store, but to no avail. They changed their hours so I got there right after they closed instead of having half an hour to hang out. It was kind of par for the day, so I shook it off. I'd had a good day, and the parts that didn't go as expected didn't shake me up like they had been, so I was more than happy to try the bead store again later. I had dinner in our little asian bistro again, next to a table of drunk guys in their early 30's acting like drunk guys in college. Then I went to my shrink.

Perhaps we talked about a lot of changes, potential and real, in that session. I remember talking about a lot of things like that, change and ideas that I'm not entirely comfortable with. I didn't feel good at the end of the session. I felt pretty bad driving home. When I got home, I had the mother of all anxiety attacks. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't think, and it lasted until yesterday afternoon. I never want to feel like that again. I don't care what triggered it, I don't care it therapy is supposed to be difficult, I don't care about any of that. I hate having no control over my fight or flight reflex, that it feels like the world is going to hurt me in some horrible way, and soon. No more. Please, no more.

Tuesday night I also started taking anti-depressants again, and last night the side effects kicked in. I fell asleep at about 8, dozed for an hour, got up, hung out with John, then went back to sleep. Today I feel so much better. It takes about 3 weeks for the full effect of the medication, but whether it was the sleep or placebo effect or actual seritonin back in my brain, I feel better today. I haven't slept like that in ages, and I haven't felt free of the "bees" (panic attack warning sign #1-it feels like bees are getting all worked up in my stomach and shoulders) since the miscarriage. A bonus is that I can stay on this medication through the first trimester if I need to. I don't even drink caffeine while pregnant, but given the panic attack ferocity as of late, I might reconsider this particular question.

I know that in a few weeks my body chemistry will even out and I won't crash at dark. I have a lot of things I want to make, like aprons, pillow cases, a blanket for my mom for mother's day, shirts and dresses and etc etc etc. I'm hoping that I'll be able to get to some of that stuff as things get better, but for now I'm going to let myself sleep when I need to. I think that there's a lot of healing that needs to be done, healing I haven't been able to do. I know I've mentioned it before, but it really chaps my ass I have to take drugs to feel normal, to feel like myself. But it becomes more an more apparent that I do need these drugs, and I'm glad we have them. I keep thinking about what unfortunate situation I would be in 50 or 100 years ago. Electro-shock seems especially horrible, but there were other, equally bad things. Hooray for now! YAY for feeling better! Hoorah for the month of May!

Brain unload complete.