Thursday, May 1, 2008

Waking up

Tuesday morning we woke up to snow. It was beautiful and unexpected. I took my first personal day off from work since I started the business. E and I went to see some doctors, I got some blood drawn (she held my hand and helped me to be very brave) and ran some errands. We went to see her daddy at work, bought more fabric (SEND HELP) and went home to take a nap. Everything went well, but took twice as long as it was supposed to. There were a lot of things we didn't get to do, like visiting the bead shop, paint your own pottery store, and the post office. (I'm so sorry Holly, it'll be Saturday now!) We had a nice time.

When John got home I tried again for the bead store, but to no avail. They changed their hours so I got there right after they closed instead of having half an hour to hang out. It was kind of par for the day, so I shook it off. I'd had a good day, and the parts that didn't go as expected didn't shake me up like they had been, so I was more than happy to try the bead store again later. I had dinner in our little asian bistro again, next to a table of drunk guys in their early 30's acting like drunk guys in college. Then I went to my shrink.

Perhaps we talked about a lot of changes, potential and real, in that session. I remember talking about a lot of things like that, change and ideas that I'm not entirely comfortable with. I didn't feel good at the end of the session. I felt pretty bad driving home. When I got home, I had the mother of all anxiety attacks. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't think, and it lasted until yesterday afternoon. I never want to feel like that again. I don't care what triggered it, I don't care it therapy is supposed to be difficult, I don't care about any of that. I hate having no control over my fight or flight reflex, that it feels like the world is going to hurt me in some horrible way, and soon. No more. Please, no more.

Tuesday night I also started taking anti-depressants again, and last night the side effects kicked in. I fell asleep at about 8, dozed for an hour, got up, hung out with John, then went back to sleep. Today I feel so much better. It takes about 3 weeks for the full effect of the medication, but whether it was the sleep or placebo effect or actual seritonin back in my brain, I feel better today. I haven't slept like that in ages, and I haven't felt free of the "bees" (panic attack warning sign #1-it feels like bees are getting all worked up in my stomach and shoulders) since the miscarriage. A bonus is that I can stay on this medication through the first trimester if I need to. I don't even drink caffeine while pregnant, but given the panic attack ferocity as of late, I might reconsider this particular question.

I know that in a few weeks my body chemistry will even out and I won't crash at dark. I have a lot of things I want to make, like aprons, pillow cases, a blanket for my mom for mother's day, shirts and dresses and etc etc etc. I'm hoping that I'll be able to get to some of that stuff as things get better, but for now I'm going to let myself sleep when I need to. I think that there's a lot of healing that needs to be done, healing I haven't been able to do. I know I've mentioned it before, but it really chaps my ass I have to take drugs to feel normal, to feel like myself. But it becomes more an more apparent that I do need these drugs, and I'm glad we have them. I keep thinking about what unfortunate situation I would be in 50 or 100 years ago. Electro-shock seems especially horrible, but there were other, equally bad things. Hooray for now! YAY for feeling better! Hoorah for the month of May!

Brain unload complete.

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