Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Back to the lab again

Our fence is up, and it's beautiful. We have outside toys for the kids, lots of nature around, and I started my yoga class last night.

I also had my first panic attack in about a month.

I know it shouldn't seem like a big deal after all the ones I had before, but was hard to enjoy yoga, let alone to relax, while my wires were crossed all wrong and I was freaking out. I came home and wept on John. Then the xanax kicked in and it was all better. I'm having an aftershock right now and waiting for the xanax to kick in. Let me be clear here: I hate this. This one isn't as bad as the one last night, but it really stinks to be human for awhile and then become a monster on the inside. To be so completely out of control of your emotions and reactions that you shake and cry and hyperventilate, and even thought you know it's all going to be OK, you know that the feeling will pass, you still can't stop yourself from wigging out.

The worst is when I need a life-line. think of it like you're drowning, and instead of someone throwing a life-preserver to you, you throw it to them. The problem is that the person needs to know it's a life preserver and not a joke, of a round candy treat of fruity flavor. I once called my Mom, who replied with a comment about how she didn't know why I was freaking out, she was the one who could only find neon-green shorts for her upcoming trip. Now my Mom rocks on billions of levels-she was actually and honestly trying to help. She was trying to make me laugh. But when it feels like anything, ANYTHING would be better than feeling this way, I can't laugh. I can't "Shrug it off" or "cowboy up" or any other handy saying. If I were a rabbit I would run until my heart exploded. That's the feeling. Trying to meditate at the beginning of class was more like an excercise in not letting the people around me muttering "It's going to be OK." Class nut? RIGHT HERE! Luckily my yoga instructor is an awesome lady that has known me for a few years, and her son has this problem, too. She got my through the class and gave me enough reserve to get home and get to John. He was all I wanted, just to have him hold me. He's the best at grabbing that life preserver for me. He and Becky, who thankfully picked up the phone when I was on my way to class. She's the other one that understands, who catches hold and pulls me in. With a little help from my friends and all that...

In craft, the kids and I have been making bracelets from grab-bag beads I bought the other day. It's been a blast! They love it, I love it, it helps fine motor skills, etc.

Whoops, dinner is ready. Xanax kicked in mostly, too. Thanks for listening, guys.

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