Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Full disclosure

OK. In the interest of being open and honest about pregnancy with you: we're spooked.

I know that this could be perceived as normal, given our 1 for 4 record, but it's a significant shift in attitude for us. We've always been excited and optimistic about pregnancy, but this time I haven't even taken a test yet. We both don't want to know yet. If I take a test today, when my period could, in theory, start, and the test is positive, I'll get all excited. If my period starts in a week or two, I'll know I was just a little pregnant, and am now not. In addition to the hormones, I'll have a feeling of loss again.

On the other hand, my cycle has never been within throwing distance of regular, so if I don't take the test and my period starts in two weeks, I won't know either way.

There's pros and cons to both strategies. Either way I'm stuck feeling like a nervous soon-to-be-father in one of those old TV shows or movies: pacing around and (wishing I was) smoking like a chimney. Did I ever tell you that after, what is it now, 6 years, I still miss smoking? I do, and I also digress. Not knowing sucks, but knowing for us may suck just as much. I'm actually, honestly stuck on this one. Should I test? Should I not? I've spotted a little today...good or bad? History says BAD! Books say No Big Deal! I don't know what the OB-GYN says, because his office already knows I'm a basket case, and I do not need to reinforce their beliefs further. And the first question they will ask is "Have you taken a test?" My answer to that may well drive the poor old lady that works there insane. Insaner. All her pens already have fake flowers taped to the top. I do not need to push that woman any farther over the edge.

So I'm going to sew like a maniac tonight and just pretend my tea is a big ass bottle of wine. At least my seams have a 50/50 chance of ending up straight this way, right?


HollyLynne said...

oh man, thats a tough one. good luck w/ your testing or w/ your waiting, whichever you decide!

Beans said...

Dude you know I am hear anytime for anything. Love ya

Domesticrazy said...

Thanks guys. I just had to get that out. I'm so lucky to have you!