Friday, October 24, 2008

Reasoning

Holly Lynne left a comment on my last post regarding the desire for another child. She's not the first to ask me about my sanity (although she didn't actually ask about my sanity, but I lack the skill to create another segue at this juncture) in regards to having another child while John is going back to school and I'm running a day care. The short answer is that there really is no good time to have a kid. You either do it or you don't, because if you wait for everything to be right you'll be retired before you even start trying.

This motherhood thing,though, it's tough. There's no way to adequately prepare anyone for it, or even for childbirth, because it's so unique and personal to each woman who experiences it. That's part of the beauty and mystery of being a Mom. It's also what makes it so fucking scary. But motherhood isn't impossible. Just remember, those of you that are going to have kids, that you will fuck up. If you're lucky it won't be a big fuckup, but come on. None of us are perfect. We try our best, but to err is human. The most important things about being a Mom are love, kindness, patience, flexibility and forgiveness. Things will not go according to plan. You will feel bad about some of your decisions. You will be tested in ways too hard to describe. Through it all, if you do your best, love your kid and forgive yourself for your lack of perfection, you'll be fine.

My girl has made me lay on the floor crying from exhaustion. Last night she had me laying on the floor crying because she wrote a song about me on the way home from dinner. I bought her knitting needles and she also wrote a song about those, and the orange nail polish I painted on her and her friends. I get overwhelmed sometimes by how much I can love and adore one small person who can go from screaming to cuddling without even breathing. I still can't believe she came from my body, that she is a little of me and a little of John, and a little of every person in our family that came before us. She is trying. She is stubborn. She is wonderful, and like I said to Holly Lynne, I would gladly be hit by a truck just to know that she is safe.


The one thing that I've re-discovered since becoming a Mom is how to just do what needs to be done. It's amazing! You can be coasting on 10 hours of sleep for the week, up to your ass in dirty laundry and diapers and things to do, and all you want to do is collapse in a pile of wine, chocolate and blissful sleep, but you keep going. One smile of your spawn will do that. A hug? Dude, you can finish your basement on hug energy. It heals. So when I think about the hard days ahead, the ones where I'm home alone and exhausted with two kids at night and a husband in school, I know we'll be OK. I may smell bad, my house may look like New Orleans on a bad month, and we might be eating PB & J 4 out of 5 meals, but we'll do it. And in the end, the one person I have the most to live up to for will have a friend and conspirator for my later years. She'll have one other person in this world who can relate to her odd experiences growing up; someone she can share stories and memories with, laugh with and depend on. (I hope.) So I may be crazy, but I'm crazy like a fox.

E has drawn her first super hero! It's Blue Beatle. I know nothing about him, other than the fact that he's supposed to be the child of The Beatles, and he's blue. She loves him, and wants to be him for Halloween now. These little ones, they'll change you, love you, make you better and drive you crazy. Kids are wonderful. They are not for everyone, because you have to sacrifice your life as you know it, and you won't get it back. Ever. But you will get so many wonderful things in return, and it'll be worth every minute.

Have a great weekend!

2 comments:

Beans said...

Ok seriously you need to warn me when you get like that. I was sniffling and actually teared up at all that. Mostly because I know I wont ever get that joy and happiness that comes from having a little one. Even more for the fact that I dont want that. How f'd up am I huh?

HollyLynne said...

well, that does sound pretty freakin awesome, doesn't it? :) And I do think yours is ESPECIALLY awesome . . .for sure the best dressed kid in her ballet class for one (although mickey ears girls does get an honorable mention).