Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Ah, Hell, I'll be the sappy one

I started typing a post last night and had to save it as a draft because it was dinnertime. It's going to stay a draft for the time being, because I've noticed that none of the bloggers I read have done a sappy New Year's Post yet, and I can't just let that slide.

Presenting the Sappy New Year's Post 2008:

Let it be said of 2008 that it sucked a lot of ass. I had my first experience having to euthanize a beloved pet; I lost another baby; went insane for most of the summer and, perhaps it could be said, most of the year. I behaved in ways I am ashamed of several times; I can not take those times back. Lots of good people died, but that's not specific to '08, it just sucks. I've lost people I cared about because they were false from the start, and that's always a sad thing.

On the other hand, I made lots of new, wonderful friends. Some I've met, some are just voices on the phone or words on a screen. Some are people I can drive to see. I've re-established friendships that I cherish, and have cemented friendships that have come to mean so very much to me. We have a new administration coming to the White House, and I am optimistic. Black president, perhaps the GLBT community will have equal rights soon. For the first time in ages, I am hopeful, and not because of a slogan, or one man, but because people in this sometimes backwards idiotic nation did something I agree with for the first time I can remember. My husband didn't leave me when I went insane, nor did my friends, or my family. While I'd gladly give up an arm or lung or the ability to eat sugar never to have a panic attack again, I would trade the knowledge that these people really do love me that much, well, I'd trade that for nothing. Except to save my daughter. She rocks.

I have hope because I am pregnant. I'm still nervous that something could go wrong, but I'm so happy to have another chance to be a Mom. I'm lucky. I'm grateful that if all goes well my daughter will have someone to love as a sister. Siblings are awesome. I'm grateful that she's still here, my little one. I'm thankful she's healthy and stubborn and creative. I love her stories. I love her smell. I love her more than my own life, and I hope I'm doing right by her.

In 2008 I started a wildly unsuccessful business with my best friend. To hell with success! I'd rather have Beck. I've learned how to make jewelry, to knit a little better, to let go of perfection and to forgive myself and others for being stupid. We're all stupid, some of you just hide it better. We're all bright, too. And human. Seeing that again this year has been a torturous gift. I've read some wonderful books, and watched some horrible movies.

There is one thing about New Years that I think of every year. Sadly it;s from Ally McBeal, and that fact that I remember that is odd in and of itself. Anyway, there was scene, and one of the characters said this:

"If you look back on the past year and you don't laugh and cry at least once, the year was wasted."

Maybe that shouldn't be in quotes, I'm not vouching for the accuracy of the quotation. It's a "near as I can remember" sort of quote. But nevertheless, it's true. Painfully true. Which means that the last year wasn't wasted, not by a long shot. While I hope the next year is better, and easier, and happier by far, I also hope I never forget the past one. I learned a lot about this world, other people and myself. These are lessons I don't want to repeat, so I will keep them close to my heart, as hard as they are.

May your life by filled with peace, love, laughter and kindness. May you have plenty, and freedom, and dreams and hope. May you be filled with loving kindness, and be happy in this life, just as it is.


Monday, December 29, 2008

For the Ladies

Amanda Palmer rocks. Sony asked her to re-shoot this because they didn't like her belly. She refused. More than that, though, this song makes me feel ridiculously good. Enjoy!

Friday, December 26, 2008

I'm still worn out from the past two days

Since you were dying to know, the lasagna thing went just fine. It tasted great, we ALL ate it (with no friggin comments from either side) and in general had a splendid time. My parents are off tomorrow to their cabin in North Carolina until Jan. 4th. We are home and alone today, which is wonderful. I tried to clean and re-organize the kitchen, wore myself out, took a nap and am now trying to get the gumption up to continue. This kid seems to have a straw that goes directly to my energy, and he/she sucks it right the hell out. I'd love to sleep for DAYS! But the crap overflowing off every flat surface in the kitchen calls to me.

The Christmas Eve celebration went well; E got a barn with animals and a farmer from her Aunt and Uncle (my sister and her boyfriend), and when she saw the big box it came in her face was priceless. Just imagine a 3 year old getting a present as big as she is, and you can imagine the look. Unfortunately, this kind of took all the "umpf" out of X-mas morning for us, because the girl was tired, there weren't as many presents as there were at Grandma's, and did I mention tired? Tired makes her surly. She left out a banana, a carrot and a cookie for Santa, along with milk. She was not impressed that most of it was gone; some was left. And on and on. She was actually pissed that Santa didn't come say hello to her. Today's been great, though, so John and I are pretending it's still X-mas, and E has been a champ.

Tomorrow we're heading off to Hocking Hills for a day trip to go hiking. It's supposed to be, no shit, 70 here. E is so excited she's been bouncing around and talking to Frosty about hiking all day! It's going to be beautiful there; I can't wait, either.

Present round-up: John got Guitar Hero, The Nuggets Box Set, A four pack of Habenero sauces and a cryptozoology t-shirt from me. E got a lap desk and elf pencils made out of sticks (not impressed), a panda shirt, a pooh computer game for toddlers and a basketball. I think there was one more, but my brain is fighting me. John got me a AeroGarden, which is the coolest hydroponic garden ever! It's also too big to fit under the cabinets in our kitchen, so we're figuring out where to put it. There was also a Wii Fit! Woot! I can't wait to see what my BMI is while preggers. And if there's no pregnant option, I'm looking forward to watching my Mii get fatter and fatter. (We told E about her impending big sister-hood, by the way. Again, not impressed.) I also got some maternity clothes, along with a tiny onsie that has a Franken-Fish on it. Too cute. And my Mom gave me a solar powered charger, which is something I love and didn't even know that I'd wanted. My Mom is the best.

I hope your holiday was wonderful, too! I'd love to hear what your favorite gift was, and if you got anything that made you wonder about the people you love. I'm off to conquer the pantry while John rocks out with Guitar Hero. Talk to you soon!

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

WTF, 12/24?!

I have no idea how the hell it's Christmas Eve. I still need to make my sister's apron (by tonight-my family celebrates on the Eve, extended family on the day) and her necklace. Not everything is wrapped, and I have one of the kids today. All day. Luckily John's only supposed to work a half day, so we may just get it done. Maybe. Shit.

To top off the X-mas insanity, everywhere else in the freaking world is getting snow, except us. Los Vegas? Seriously? Our high today is 49, tomorrow is 26. And it's supposed to rain all day, which means driving in an icy wonderland! I'll try to take some pictures as we do donuts on the way to Grandma's house. I wish I was kidding.

In other holiday related news: John is Frosty, according to E. She's been missing him, since it's the end of the month and year, and he's been working late. Last night she threw a huge fit and then fell asleep at the kitchen table waiting for him to get home. He ended up getting there just in time for bed, and I've never seen a girl so happy to see her Daddy. It was very sweet, even with the screaming beforehand. (Note: three is loud, volatile and fierce. Also so sweet it kills you.) We are also having some X-mas day food issues, which are going to drive me over the edge. My Dad made a lasagna for us, so we wouldn't have to bring our own food. Except he may not have used vegan cheese, so John has an issue with it. Which is irritating my father, who was just trying to do something nice. I am in the middle; I'm not vegan while pregnant. And I am willing to make exceptions if I don't purchase the offending dairy. During Passover there is a prayer you say that is supposed to make any remaining bread in the house "just as if it were unleavened." I use this idea for things like the damn lasagna Dad made. John, whom I love beyond reason, is not so flexible. He's really an all-or-nothing guy, and he is stubborn as a freaking mule. So tonight we may have a pleasant scene where I watch the people I love try not to piss each other off with limited success. People, drink for me tonight!

Is anyone else craving peanut butter at 2 am every morning?

The kitten has been chasing the old cat around mercilessly for days. One of them is going to snap soon. Poor old kitty.


Monday, December 22, 2008


As you might have guessed by the title, today's visit went well. Our baby has a fully formed skull, brain is doing well, and my official due date is July 4th. Two arms, two legs, head, ass and umbilical cord all present and accounted for! WOOOOOO!!

I have been cleared to take Excedrin Migraine for the headache I have had since Thursday, thank christ. It was resistant to Tylenol Extra Strength, which is the equivalent of taking baking soda and pop rocks. For the first time in nearly 5 days I don't feel like the next loud noise could incite me to either suicide or violence. Hurrah!

OK, so details. I don't want to eat at night. My food aversions right now seem to be everything except blood orange Italian soda, pretzels and occasionally ice cream. I ate a Frosty today and was amazed at how different those things taste after 4 years. And the fries? They sucked. I'll try again in 4 years, maybe they'll be good again. But once it hits 6:30 I want no food. In two to three weeks that will hopefully be gone, but we'll have to wait and see.

The OB told me to stay on Lexapro, which I'm not sure about. The other two docs highly recommend I wean off after 12 weeks, and I trust those ladies more than this old guy, so I'm going to talk to John and do some research, but my plan is to wean down for two weeks, see how I do, then wean down again. To nothing. Old dude may not be happy about it, but it's my body and my baby, and he's the douche that prescribed Welbutrin for anxiety while I was nursing E . (Very. Bad. Idea.) In short, I do not trust him with medication.

Baby stats: Size of a lime! Brain is presumably fully formed, hands and feet are kicking. Baby was stubbornly napping when we got to see it. The doctor kept poking my belly, which made me laugh, and eventually the baby woke up and basically did the turn-over-and-grunt thing. which was hilarious to see. At one point, trying to get the little peanut to move, the doctor poked with the ultra sound wand. The one in the sensitive area. (Still internal at this point folks.) Which led to not only an awkward and unpleasant feeling, it also made me pee my pants right there. Which would have served him right, I think. Ugh is the only thing I can say about that point of the exam. And bleck.

We're going to tell E about her impending sisterhood for Christmas. I can't wait! Well, it's time to light Hanukkah candles. Happy holidays, and hopefully pics tomorrow!

Wednesday, December 17, 2008


OK, internets, my lack of posting has not been due to the tired, which is severe. I woke up last Friday to a dead modem. DEAD. Verizon sent us a new one, but it didn't get here until last night. I had to go out X-mas shopping like people do. China is everywhere! I managed to avoid most of it, and even got a lot of stuff made by Tibetans, but it was still a rushed and harrowing experience. I'm too damn tired and sick to get anything made right now, and with Etsy out of my reach my handmade holiday goal went up in flames. Tons will still be handmade, just not all of it like I'd hoped. Heck, I'm OK with that as long as baby is doing good!

John and I go for the 12 week ultrasound and Big Check-Up on Monday. This is where the Doc will check to see if there are any nueral tube defects visible, make sure baby is growing fast enough, etc. It's a big one because this is when we found out our first baby wasn't going to make it after birth. Which is why John is going with me. Everything's probably fine, but having my best friend and husband with me will be very reassuring! I'd like to have Beck there, too, but there's only so much of me she needs to see, if you get my drift.

Um, wow. I was going crazy with things to write about when the modem was dead. Now I'm blank. And I need to change a diaper, based on the smell that just wafted by. So, I'll talk to you later. To poop and gingerale!

Thursday, December 11, 2008


Internets, I am tired. Whole body, drainingly, horribly tired. I have been laying down in bed almost immediately after I put E to bed. I spend all day exhausted, then sleep funky at night.

I am actually so tired it hurts. I hope to really post again soon, but for now I need to wrangle children and lay on the floor.

*face hits the keyboard*

Monday, December 8, 2008


A few things that have been on my mind:

First, Schuyler. The little girl who is fighting a huge monster might have started having absence seizures, which is a scary and potentially horrible thing for her family. Please keep them in your thoughts. Such an honest and wonderful and open family needs some love right now, and the kicker is there's nothing we can really do but think of them. I've never met Rob or Julie or Schuyler, except in my dreams last night, but I've been reading about them for years. It's odd, feeling so close to someone that you don't know and who doesn't know you. It's also wonderful, because Schuyler and her parents have a lot of support from people they've met briefly or not at all, and while that's not a cure for Schuyler, it's a lot of love her way. Ah, hell, I wish I could hug her and slay that monster for her, dammit.

Second, this post has been on my mind since I read it. I have no idea who she's talking about, but it made me go back and look at my writing. I use this blog as a place to vent, to talk about my interests, and to keep up with people I've never met, or know very well. Most of all, I use this as a way to pour out the millions of things I have to say daily but there is no one here to hear. Sure, there are toddlers, but you'd be surprised at the stuff you can't say to the under 5 set. All the same, it made me I say things that are mean sometimes? Even if it's not intentional? Probably. I have a dark and sarcastic streak a mile wide, but it's never meant to hurt anyone. It's also not really meant to be seen my the person I need to vent about, which is why very few people I know know about this place. So I'm torn between having this place where I let loose about what I need to, and the fact that it's a public place whether I advertise it or not. Do I want to hurt anyone? No, no I don't. But I also need to get the crap out of my brain sometimes. I'll be thinking about this for awhile.

Third, I'm losing one of my clients. The economy hit this family pretty hard, and they have more pay cuts coming. They apparently also spent their savings on their last vacation, which blows my mind. Therefore they are moving their kids to a daycare with a sibling discount ( I only have one of the little ones) and to a place that is uncertified. Unlicensed. A place that has had quite a few family problems, not the least of which included the children wandering down the street crying and saying that they "couldn't find their parents." These same children have also vandalized a few backyards. I hope that things are going better for them now, and that this whole thing works out for everyone involved. I'm worried about the little one I love, but I'm also hopeful that the new situation will help her bond with her brother, give her a routine and help with the myriad of behavioral problems she has.

On one hand, this leaves me with one less problem-her behavior and random schedule. Also, who to cut once the baby arrives. On the other hand, it also leaves me one full time slot short, and I know that one kid is going to part time after I pop. So I need to find one full time non-infant. I'm hoping word of mouth will do the trick. I'm also sad that we're losing a member of the family, as much as she is. She's a sweet, crazy, happy little girl and I'm glad she lives close, because watching her grow up has been so much fun so far. I guess I just want to see her do well, which is why I both worry and am hopeful about the new place she's going. Meh, I'm blathering on now.

OK, so this was going to be a craft show post. If not tonight, then tomorrow. It was a great show, and my butt still hurts from the metal seats. How's that for a teaser? Guess how much I made and leave it in the comments. Closest one wins a prize!

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Week 10

OK, to curb the constant preggo chatter, I think I'm going to do a weekly update. I might slip a bit in here or there on other days, but really, how much about my gestation do you need to know? Doing this will hopefully get me back to talking about the stuff I'm making more often. And on that note, tomorrow will be dedicated to the craft show I went to on Friday! (Preview: Super Fun! Kinda cold! Made some money!) So forgive my tiny brain. I don't know for what. I'm nauseous.

Week 10~ Nosebleeds. I have two in the past 5 days. Part of the problem is dry air, but just a bit. Mostly it's that I'm generating more blood, and my nose isn't cool with that. I had a bunch last time, too. I'm MUCH less freaked out this time, knowing that it isn't some sort of crazy sign that something is wrong. Nope! By the second trimester you have roughly double the volume of blood in your body. Sometimes you spring leaks.

Another fun development is the headaches. I get one nearly ever evening, and they usually accompany some fairly debilitating nausea. While pregnant your choice of pain reliever is Tylenol. I'd prefer Vicodin, based on my headaches, but I stick with Tylenol because I'm not an idiot. It usually takes the edge off, so that I can lay groaning on the couch in more comfort. I seem to get sick if I don't eat often enough, don't eat enough or I eat too much. Also, if I eat The Wrong Thing. Sometimes I know what The Wrong Thing is after one bite, or by smell, but sometimes I find out after. Which sucks. I'll leave you to imagine the details.

The good news is that I now have a bump! I'll post pictures once I get to twelve weeks, but I look way more pregnant than I am. I bought maternity pants over the weekend, and I want to sleep in them. Except for one thing: Be Warned Breeders! Maternity clothes do not contain pockets. I have no idea why, but once you become pregnant you are no longer expected to carry things on your person. I've spent the past to days in a futile effort to stash my chap stick and a tissue for the next nosebleed. I'm pretty sure a thin, misogynistic man designs maternity clothes. Hey dude! My boobs fit into nothing you've designed! Screw you! Stupid dick.

We've decided to tell E about her sibling status for Christmas, providing everything looks good at the 12 week ultrasound Dec 22. One of my friends has also promised to help me make a doll for E to bring home from the hospital like the girl does in one of her old favorite stories, "Baby Dearest." It's not as creepy as it sounds, honest.

OK, I've gotta go. Evening sickness. To the toilet!

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Let's talk about crafts, boobs and excrement.

No, seriously. Let's do!

I spent most of today sewing, with two fabulous bags as the result. I've got quite a list of stuff together for the show Friday, and more to come. I had the brilliant idea to make some large marble magnets out of some vintage labels I have a book of, and despite some serious printer crap I think they are going to look great. I do need to hit a color copier soon, though. In all honesty, I don't have half of what I'd thought I'd get done. It's the pregnant. I'm so very, very tired, and when it comes down to sew vs. nap, nap wins lately. Actually, nap has been winning against all craft, cleaning and pretty much everything else, except eating. I have never been this hungry in my life. and I used to smoke A LOT of weed.

Given my hunger, I'd be very worried about the pregnancy except for the quality of the hunger and the sick that both eating and not eating now creates. Also, my boobs. They are bigger and still very sore. This pregnancy has been different in every way from the one with E, but familiar enough that I am not freaking out and assuming impending miscarriage. Which is nice! Plus, hormones are moving in, and for the first time in recent memory I am getting relaxed and happy without the aid of wine, etc. And the boobs! I have lost weight everywhere but boob and tummy. Which makes me look like a stacked Buddha at times, but I'm OK with that. I'm also breaking out like a teenager again, which while irritating, is yet another good sign. (That pregnancy glow? It starts in the 2nd trimester, and is caused my your oily skin getting used to being oily so you don't break out as much. That and the happy hormones. Pregnancy is not as sexy as you might hope.) The sad news about my boobs is that the kitten accidentally scratched the ever loving shit out of the right one today. She was investigating my sewing machine, and when I went to move her it apparently scared her. Her response was to attack my hands (both are wounded and covered in band-aids) then leap onto my chest, claws out. My right nipple will probably have a nice scar, and it smarts like the dickens right now. Can't blame the cat, though. She was just reacting to her environment. Next time I'll use the squirt bottle. From a distance.

Now, onto the poop! This could also be called "Things they don't tell you about pregnancy, Part 5." With E, not only was I unable to eat or think about food without horking, I also couldn't poop. This is such a common problem in pregnancy that the prenatal vitamin samples my doctor gave me proudly proclaim on the front that they include a stool softener! (I told you, it's just not sexy.) I will tell you more about these vitamins in a later post, because they deserve their own time. Trust me.

I had to leave work a few times because of the cramping from constipation, and even spent over an hour during a concert in the thankfully well-kept bathroom at the venue, wishing for death or the ability to poop. At that point I would have been happy with either. The iron in prenatal pills is one common theory for this, and it is also known to add to the nausea. Which needs no help, thank you. The good news is that the experience of being knocked up is not the same for everyone, nor is it the same each time. I have certain hallmarks I looks for, but this one has been so very different from E's. I can eat! I only want certain foods, but it beats the hell out of crying every time someone mentions food then going to throw up. I have also avoided the worst of the not-pooping (as I'm sure you were dying to know) and I am grateful (GRATEFUL!!) for that. I was mortified last time, while sitting on the toilet for a long stretch, reading my "What To Expect" book, to find out that you can actually give yourself hemorrhoids by pushing to hard to poop. The list of indignities at that point was endless. Hemorrhoids was the last straw. I refused to get them, and that was that. One of my friends, after the birth of her second child called into work to tell us she was fine. Her actual first comment was "No hemorrhoids!" After a healthy child and no major repairs in your downstairs area, it's the best news a new mom can hope for.

Have a good day!

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

I hear the snow a'comin...

It's cold and blustery here, but despite three days of snow falling to the ground none of it has stuck. E got a snowman kit for her birthday and is itching to use it, so this snow flurry thing is driving her close to insane. Poor thing!

Speaking of snowmen, mine are started. That's all. I also started a bag last night, but I was then so tired I just went to bed. I'm going to make a Macro of one of my ultrasounds: "I'm in ur womb, stealin' all ur energiez!" Oh hell, like I'll have the energy for that, even. Tonight E was supposed to go to her Grandma's house so that I could get some serious craft show work done, we could check out a pre-school, get some Christmas junk taken care of, and have a date. Instead my poor Mom is laying on her couch triumphant that she got her pants on without throwing up. I took her some crackers and ginger-ale, and fed the horses for her. I hope she feels better! Not even for the baby-sitting, just because I know how miserable it is to be that sick. She thinks it was some chili she ate yesterday. Ugh. John said I should have mentioned the vegetarian angle, and how there is less food-borne illness for veggies, but I told him she was in no condition to hear it. My parents are also having the siding on thier house replaced, so as she lays there trying not to puke she also has to hear "BANG! BANG BANG BANGBANGBANG! BANG!" I asked her if I should send the guys away and she nearly screamed "NO! I want my house FINISHED!" Sound familiar Beck?

So today while we're out I'm going to get a few things to finish the snowmen, and then I'm going to finish what I can with what I've got. There were a bunch of things I wanted to get, but I can't remember what they were. My brain is getting slower and more muddled daily. Yoga is also getting a little odd, what with the belly starting to get in the way. I've lost weight everywhere else, but the belly is getting rounder. I went down a size after E, so now all my available pants are too tight, but it's not quite maternity clothing time. Skirt making time!

And that's all I've got. I'm spent-back to the couch!

Monday, December 1, 2008

Holy December, Batman!

What a year! 2008 has been a tough one, but I'm hoping it ends on a high note. It's on the right path; we had a very lovely thanksgiving and weekend. John's Dad ended up in the emergency room Friday morning, but that ended up being a good thing, since he needed medical staff to tell him to sleep and eat. He looked a lot better by the time we left Sunday. In fact, John's whole family is doing well, and aside from a cat shitting in our room while we were taking E to an Aviary, the weekend went off without a hitch.

My girl fed Lorries! I have pictures, but we've all been to tired to actually do anything except lay around on the couch, so I haven't uploaded them yet. The aviary we went to was quite fun, and it had a great free flight show! My favorite was X the Owl, who was huge and had gorgeous large orange eyes and flew silently right over E's head twice. Her favorite was Minnie the crow who took her dollar and stuffed it in the donation box. The best part of the whole trip was seeing E feed the lorries, though. The look on her face was wonderful to see. I wish I could have been in with her, but pregnant women were discouraged. So I watched, and that was fine.

After the aviary we went to watch our nephew play basketball, and it was a good game. I'm not even a sports fan, and this was exciting! His team won, which was nice for him, but the best part was watching friends play on opposite teams and try not to just goof around. After the game we went to a big light and Christmas show thing at a farm. Not my bag, but the kids and in-laws had a great time. I also found some snowmen to make for Friday's craft show. I'm going to spend this afternoon making stuff. And tonight. And some time everyday this week until Friday.

I've tired myself out writing this, so I'm off to the couch. Hooray vacation!