Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Ah, Hell, I'll be the sappy one

I started typing a post last night and had to save it as a draft because it was dinnertime. It's going to stay a draft for the time being, because I've noticed that none of the bloggers I read have done a sappy New Year's Post yet, and I can't just let that slide.

Presenting the Sappy New Year's Post 2008:

Let it be said of 2008 that it sucked a lot of ass. I had my first experience having to euthanize a beloved pet; I lost another baby; went insane for most of the summer and, perhaps it could be said, most of the year. I behaved in ways I am ashamed of several times; I can not take those times back. Lots of good people died, but that's not specific to '08, it just sucks. I've lost people I cared about because they were false from the start, and that's always a sad thing.

On the other hand, I made lots of new, wonderful friends. Some I've met, some are just voices on the phone or words on a screen. Some are people I can drive to see. I've re-established friendships that I cherish, and have cemented friendships that have come to mean so very much to me. We have a new administration coming to the White House, and I am optimistic. Black president, perhaps the GLBT community will have equal rights soon. For the first time in ages, I am hopeful, and not because of a slogan, or one man, but because people in this sometimes backwards idiotic nation did something I agree with for the first time I can remember. My husband didn't leave me when I went insane, nor did my friends, or my family. While I'd gladly give up an arm or lung or the ability to eat sugar never to have a panic attack again, I would trade the knowledge that these people really do love me that much, well, I'd trade that for nothing. Except to save my daughter. She rocks.

I have hope because I am pregnant. I'm still nervous that something could go wrong, but I'm so happy to have another chance to be a Mom. I'm lucky. I'm grateful that if all goes well my daughter will have someone to love as a sister. Siblings are awesome. I'm grateful that she's still here, my little one. I'm thankful she's healthy and stubborn and creative. I love her stories. I love her smell. I love her more than my own life, and I hope I'm doing right by her.

In 2008 I started a wildly unsuccessful business with my best friend. To hell with success! I'd rather have Beck. I've learned how to make jewelry, to knit a little better, to let go of perfection and to forgive myself and others for being stupid. We're all stupid, some of you just hide it better. We're all bright, too. And human. Seeing that again this year has been a torturous gift. I've read some wonderful books, and watched some horrible movies.

There is one thing about New Years that I think of every year. Sadly it;s from Ally McBeal, and that fact that I remember that is odd in and of itself. Anyway, there was scene, and one of the characters said this:

"If you look back on the past year and you don't laugh and cry at least once, the year was wasted."

Maybe that shouldn't be in quotes, I'm not vouching for the accuracy of the quotation. It's a "near as I can remember" sort of quote. But nevertheless, it's true. Painfully true. Which means that the last year wasn't wasted, not by a long shot. While I hope the next year is better, and easier, and happier by far, I also hope I never forget the past one. I learned a lot about this world, other people and myself. These are lessons I don't want to repeat, so I will keep them close to my heart, as hard as they are.

May your life by filled with peace, love, laughter and kindness. May you have plenty, and freedom, and dreams and hope. May you be filled with loving kindness, and be happy in this life, just as it is.


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