Monday, February 16, 2009

The only time I'm not all about narcotics

It turns out that Excedrin Migraine isn't so safe for pregnancy after 24 to 26 weeks or so. The new OB said it can cause a disruption of blood flow between the placenta and baby. a mild narcotic is safer.

Let's go over this again...a narcotic is safer. WTF? So now I have a massive headache and I'm afraid to take the pill because it's a narcotic. If it knocks me the hell out, how is it safer for the baby? This is where the trust comes in. This woman seems to know what she's doing when it comes to medicine, so when she says it is better to take this other thing, this thing that can be addictive and make me loopy, it's safer than the OTC stuff, I have to trust her.

Now, normally I'm all about the drugs. I haven't met a painkiller that wasn't my friend. Maybe it's the fibromyalgia, or the fact that I just like the good stuff, but non-pregnant and nursing I'm all about better living through chemistry. I have to be, given the depression and anxiety disorder. But I am fairly crunchy in the hippie sense when it comes to being knocked up. So I have a headache and I'm not taking the pill for it until I feel like dying. Stupid hazards.

One of the reasons I'm so careful about what I take now is the posibility of addiction. I don't want to harm my child, and even more, I don't want my kid to see me struggle with those monsters. John and I have watched several people we care about fight their demons with drugs and alcohol, and that's not what I want for my kids. I like to drink, I like to be pain free and I like being rational. I don't think those things have to be exclusive of each other. But I'm also terrified that one day I will suddenly spiral out of control and just get addicted to something, like I did with cigarettes. One day, no biggie. The next day: smoke or kill. It took John and I six months of constant fighting to finally be free of that crazy slippery slope feeling, and I still wish I could smoke. But I won't. Not even one, because I know how hard it was to stop. How out of control I felt, and how emotionally wraught I was. That fear is compounded when there is a Wee Leetle Baby inside me. I'm afraid to risk too much, and the word "narcotic" has a lot of connotations. Can I be responsible? Sure. I am all the time. But there's still that little voice, warning me that any addictive substance could be the one...and do I really want that? Hell no.

I read a story not long ago about a woman working in a prison. She was a recovering drug addict, and had smoked Meth while pregnant. It was horrible. As a parent you are always second guessing yourself, and wondering how you could do a better job. That story spooked me to no end, because the character talked about how she knew she was doing something horrible and couldn't stop. Perhaps it's not so much my particular situation that worries me so much, but the fact that the situation in the story can and does happen. More often that any of us would like. Watching someone destroy their own life is hard. Knowing that it could happen to anyone, that addiction is blind and merciless, that's the scary part. An addict has fucked up. Big Time. But it's also not their fault, entirely. Woe, and misery. Fortunatly it won't happen to most of us. It's a sick lottery, though.

Well, that's my fuzzy bunny thought pile for today. Later we can talk about AIDS or abortion, kay?

1 comment:

Beans said...

dude save the drugs for me i have no problem with taking narcotics.
smile ;)
ps time off sched 3/27-3/30
mike will be gone too house to self.
aghhhhh