Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Yep, recalculating

Last night I drove about 95 miles to go pick up my husband and child. The alternator that the one place put in was faulty and the car died again while John was driving home. So my vegan husband and child spent about 2 hours at a Hardee's, and they survived. E was tired, upset about the car and dirty. John was surprisingly chipper about the while thing. I think this weekend may have beaten him. So for now we're down to one car. John starts school tonight, we pick up his newly repaired car tomorrow night, and then we try to move on. Up until nap-time today I was doing just great with all of this, but nap has been horrible and I'm all too quickly wearing down again. I'm fighting it, though. Fight! Fight! Fight!

I desperately want to sew tonight. I want to finish that baby blanket, start on E's new wiener dog dress and my diaper bag. I also want to indulge in some vices, but that's not going to happen, either. Well, chocolate will happen. Beer will not. Nope, tonight I'm going to work on taxes as fast and hard as I can because my sister may be coming up this weekend to get them done for us. One does not turn away free taxes done by a honest to god CPA, especially with that whole free part. But I HATE the way you have to figure shit out for a home based day care. BLECK. Sewing will have to wait.

I love Moda fabric. Just needed to throw that in there.

And now I'm off, because I need to email a bunch of people about all the crap that needs to change because of car, taxes, etc. May your week be pain free...

Monday, March 30, 2009

Recharge complete; recalculating

First and foremost: This weekend ROCKED. I knew I needed a break, but I had no idea how badly. Beck did an awesome job talking me through some residual anxiety. Aside from that, we had a blast.

My Mom lent me her "Australian" which is her GPS thingy. She needed me to pick up some miniature horse trophies for her out in BFE, so I got to be all cool and techie for the weekend. Beck and I used it a lot, but there were a few quirks. Like the "highway" that was a gravel road. So part of the time we ignored the Australian.

Friday we went to the soap place and spent time sniffing, buying and sniffing some more. I love that soap! We also went to dinner with my sister and her fiance', and to Whole Foods. And then back to Beck's where she made a fire. It was wonderful.

Saturday we picked up the trophies, went to Amish country for fabric, cheese, more fabric and some candy. It was a gorgeous drive Australian aside, and we had lots of time to talk, laugh and just catch up. When we got home Beck helped me make a little blanket for the impending Wee, and we watched part of Lethal Weapon 4 after some cartoons. It was, again, wonderful! Once the blanket is finished I'll post pictures. Hopefully.

Sunday we had breakfast at a local place with the best fries and milkshakes ever. I also had a gardenburger with extra pickles...YUM! Then we did a little de-cluttering at Beck's and I headed home happy, relaxed and recharged.

As Beck and I talked and drove, we kept frustrating that GPS unit to no end. Everytime you ignore his directions he announces "recalculating" and then gives you new directions. Beck had a good point after one of these instances. She told me I just needed to recalculate after a bad day or moment. Ahhh, the wisdom of the best friend and GPS! I also got to see my quilt peices. Too cool! I can't wait to try it out, once it's done. Girl has some talent!

Right after I left Beck's I got a call from John, who took E to see her Bubba and Poppy (his parents, and they picked what they wanted called) this weekend. On the way to his parent's house his battery died. While driving. He got it replaced and went on to his parents. Sunday, as I turned off Becks street he called again, saying they were just crossing the state line andwould be home in a little over 3 hours. The he said "OH CRAP!" and said it might be later. The battery died while he was driving again. It turns out his alternator was dead or fried or something. No one could fix it on Sunday. So he and E got towed back to his parent's house and it's getting fixed today. I miss my family, and this has put my husband in what one might call "a fine mood." One might also call it something other than that, but only if one was not near my husband at the time. E has also decided to wake up at 1 amd 3 am for the last few nights. So John is tired on top of everything else. I'm staying home tonight and taking care of both the girl and her Daddy, because I now have the reserve to do that.

This weekend rocked! Not for John, poor guy, but I can help out now that I am rested and recharged. Recalculating!

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Books and advice and Rolos. Ha HA!

My behavioral therapist wasn't much help last night. He told me I was doing all the right stuff to deal with the anxiety, but none of it was going to help unless I could reduce or eliminate the triggers in my day.

That would be the screaming.

You see, screaming that keeps going tells your body you are in danger. Your primal reaction can't be stopped, and that reaction is "OH shit! Need to end the danger!" It's classic Flight or Fight. No matter how much your frontal lobe wants to let you know you're really not in danger, you can't change the body's response if the trigger (screaming) doesn't stop. In short: I'm fucked.

Suggestions dude came up with:
  1. Become an eBay seller.
  2. Raise prices on problem children.
  3. See what the child behaviorist has to say, see of it works.
  4. Get rid of problem children.
  5. Get a new job of some sort.
  6. Take the daycare to the next level, hire employees and MANAGE the daycare. Instead of dealing with the children myself.
For obvious reasons, some of those will work and some won't. There were a few others, but htey didn't stick. I was a little frustrated when I left his office, and after getting more wedding stuff together for my sister's invitation samples I went to Barnes and Noble.

Between 10 pm last night and 2 pm today I read Heather Armstrong's book "It Sucked and Then I Cried." Because I do that; I read scarily fast for not being a speed reader. So a novel in under 24 hours is only going that slow because I have to sleep and watch children.

If you are going to have children, read this book. Or if you have children. Or if you run a daycare by yourself and need some comforting reassurance that you are not the only person to have ever gone insane about children, read this book. I laughed so hard at parts of it that I ended up doing the Snagglepuss laugh, which means I was wheezing out laughter and not breathing back in again. I had tears running down my face and almost passed out, because I just couldn't breathe in. Then I collapsed into a bawling puddle on the couch, letting out all the tension and stress of the last week. Pregnancy hormones are crazy!

I also bought "Gardening at the Dragon's Gate." It's a buddhist book on gardening and life that my yoga teacher recomended a while back. I've seen it on some Buddhist websites, too, that just raved about it. You know, as much as Buddhists rave. So it's next, but based on the size of it I'm guessing it'll take me a week to read. It's a big book, and not as story oriented as Heather's. (Go buy Dooce's book! NOW!)

Today has been markedly better than the last three. Thanks for the support, both in comments and in calls! It means a lot to have any sort of connection to other people, people who lack penises and make things and know how to read. I'm not sure if it was the realization that I am not the only person who has dealt with post-partum, even tough I knew that; or the kids responding to my behavior plan, or just the gorious movement of the cosmos, but I am grateful. I am grateful for a day that will end with a pinata we made and painted and filled. A day with less screaming, less crazy, less stress. A day that will turn into a tomorrow where I will have TWO WHOLE DAYS child free. I love these guys! I needed a break. and now, it's time to get these guys up and have a fiesta.

Have a great weekend, and I'll see you on the other side!

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

One. Day. Left.

I just finished (I hope) the biggest nosebleed I have ever had. Gusher doesn't even start to describe it. After a frantic dash for tissues, cleaning up and sitting for 20 minutes with a compress on my nose, I can now use two hands again. Whew. Did you know that you double the amount of blood volume during pregnancy? That's why so many preggos have nosebleeds. And now you know.

This week has been a doozy. Today problem boy starting taking toys from others and hitting others with toys. He's spent a lot of time in "isolation" which is a new tool we're trying. It's a high chair that's faced away from everyone else in the corner of the room. We ignore the screaming until its over, reinforce the rule that was broken, and then get back to life. It seems to be working, but my head hurts from the damn screaming. This kid needs to get the hell over that. Now. But the whole week has been testing and fighting and the like. The week before time off is always the worst, and I'm only taking 1 day off!

I'm starting to look at other stay at home options, too. I want to be here for E and the new Wee coming, but this day care thing may not be MY thing. I love the kids, the time outside, etc. I don't love the noise, fighting, parents that expect you to potty train their kids FOR them and fuck it all up at home, again, etc. I'm not good at not being the boss, either. Not sure what the options are, but maybe the BT can give me some ideas tonight. If not, I may start massive internet research.

Taxes have been started! I'm so tired.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009


Ah, hell, I have no idea what to do first, last, or in between. This week we're getting estimates on having some painting and repairs done to the exterior of the house, and I need to work on taxes. I also need to get some invitation stuff done, but I'm already behind on that because yesterday evening didn't work out. Let's just say that when I got to my Mom's house for a quick stuff pick-up last night she was ready to pull out the whiskey. My Mom is not a drinking woman. I stayed for a bit. All is well now!

In unrelated news, I am 25 weeks pregnant and my boobs hurt like hell. The first time you are pregnant you get itchy boob. This time I feel like someone is trying to stuff these babies full of something. Milk, maybe? Ugh. DO NOT LOOK AT MY BOOBS. THAT WILL MAKE THEM HURT MORE!

Come on Friday...

Monday, March 23, 2009


I realized today that I've taken an unintentional break here. Perhaps it was the spring cleaning, the warm air or the fact that I've been exhausted lately. Perhaps it's that my sister is getting married and I suddenly have a lot to do, aside from baby stuff and taxes. Or, perhaps, my brain is more holes than substance. Who knows?

All is well here. The baby is kicking, E is rocking, John is trying his best at auditions for Voice Over stuff, and life keeps moving on. The behaviorist will be here April 6th, amen. I have Friday off, and am going to see Beck, amen. We're going to an awesome soap shop, and to amish country, and to see my sister. Movies and milkshakes and cheese fries, oh my! And while I wish there would be more drinking, I'm willing to wait. And just seeing Beck is like a kegger for my mind, anyway.

I'm working on wedding invitations, a bridal shower, a bachelor-ette party, figuring out what to wear since I'm having a baby 12 weeks before the wedding and can't try anything on now, and those damn taxes. Also, a baby blanket, a layette for a friend, and probably a few other things. Good thing my ass is finally in gear! I finally cleaned the counter tops in our bathroom last night after *coughcough* 6 months *coughcough.* to be fair, all the other bathrooms have been cleaned in that time, several times. Mine was just low priority. I'm off to take the kids outside and write a list of everything I need to do. Hooray for warm weather, lots of things to be happy about, and dirt!

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

For the love of sanity

Something clicked today. The daycare has been a fuck of a lot saner with 2 kids yesterday and 3 kids today. I should have 4 kids tomorrow. If I do, and all goes fairly well, I'm having a talk with one or two people next week.

One person is the behaviorist that helped us get E to sleep through the night. He specializes in kids, and might be able to help me with the day care problems I have. Like nap time, tantrums, time outs and other general stress inducing times. Nap time is the big one, but I could use some help un general.

The other person I'll be having a serious conversation with is the mom of the problem boy. The boy who wouldn't be here if I didn't adore his mother so much. I have been sleeping better, calmer and happier without that kid here. I haven't been dreading my day, which is something I didn't know I was doing until this week. My plan is to see how Friday goes, and maybe early next week. His grandmother ran a daycare for nearly two decades, and if she hasn't sent advice back then it's time for a Come to Jesus talk. His behavior needs to improve drastically. The screaming needs to stop, the destroying things needs to stop, and he needs to stop screaming. He also needs to stop climbing the walls and furniture. I don't want to lose this family, but I also don't want to lose my mind.

I'm thinking I might call the doctor first, see if he's be willing to help, and then talk to the parents of The Screamer and see how they would feel about some help. I just can't go on with things the way they have been, especially with the new 8 month old that just started and the baby on the way. I have no idea how I would pay for behavioral therapy for a day care, however. If I need to save my pennies I will, though, because I'd like to make this work. And I know it can; the last two days have been fabulous.

Now, if I could just remember to do my taxes and where I left that thing I was looking for...

I'll just slip out sideways

"Seeing you like this
without warning
Is like catching a sniff of Tequila in the morning
But I'll try, try to keep my food down
It's quite an aftertaste you left
Now that you're not around."
-Crash Test Dummies (I'll Think I'll Disappear Now)

First, yes, I like the Crash Test Dummies. Second, this song has reminded me of running into an ex. Which I did on Sunday. This is no little ex, either. This was the guy I dated for four years during and after high school. The guy that proposed twice. The one who made me immune to crying guys and wary of liars. Also, the one who liked to wait until I was asleep and do things. To me. In uncomfortable places. I slept very lightly for a long time after finding out why I had all that pain and bleeding, and it wasn't colon cancer. In short, this guy was a colossal ass.

I had just dropped E off at my Moms for the night, and a friend and I were grabbing some chips for the kick-ass vegan queso John made. I was telling her how I used to be afraid to shop/visit this town, because I didn't want to see people I'd never had anything in common with, or that asshole. I then told her a story about me ducking down under the steering wheel at a stoplight as that asshole drove by, while on the phone to Beck, who was chastising me for still being afraid of that asshole. Etc etc etc. Guess who then walked right by friend and I? Yep, said asshole. Whose face was red, with veins sticking out of his neck and forehead. Obviously he had heard. I yelled something about "speak of the devil" and "It's (insert his name here)!" Then I grabbed my friend and got the fuck out of dodge as quickly as possible.

On one hand, it looks like I may have made the guy's day take a turn for the worse. Karmically, not a great move on my part. On the other hand, as John pointed out, this might be his karma coming back to get him. I am not the only person he has been an ass to. I would have prefered a more dignified exchange, or at least to have yelled "I'm six months pregnant!" at the end, barring dignity.

It was nice to come home to my husband, and to know that I can trust him, that he understands love as a two way street, a partnership. This is the man that thought I was worth pursuing for ten years, that I am proud to be with, to bear his children. This man has never cheated on me, listens to me and values my opinion, and finds me to be an intelligent person. I feel the same way about him. I could go on. But after thinking about how lucky I am, I just end up feeling sorry for the ex I ran into. Whether I want to or not, I still hear a few things through the proverbial grape vine, and he still does the same stuff he did to me in his new relationships. He is a disingenous, saccrine person, and has sabatoged every chance at happiness he has had. Even his parents speak poorly about him now. It must be a sad life. I spend a lot of my time wishing for all beings to live inpeace and happiness, and this guy is no exception. Is it his fault his life is like this? Hell yes. But despite that, I hope he finds his way someday. That way I can feel better about calling him an asshole to his face, as it were, without meaning to. My intention was never to cause more pain.

I'm going to go play with the new baby now. Having an 8 month old girl at the day care rocks! And we keep on moving on...

Sunday, March 8, 2009

6 months / 23 weeks / < 17 to go!

Six months pregnant hit me like a brick fucking wall.

My hips ache, my back aches, I keep falling asleep while reading to my kid, and the baby is already kicking so hard John can feel her. I can see every vein in my boobs (size E?! Jesus!) and my hands, and am starting to see some in my arms. My hair looks very close to what I'd call "fried poodle" probably because I haven't had the energy to redo the purple lately.

Despite all this, I am one happy lady.

The hormones must have finally kicked in full force. I'm not having panic attacks (KNOCK ON WOOD) I'm laid back, I'm coasting right along. The baby kicks are awesome! I miss those after birth. I'm sleeping a lot better, and food is mostly good. Kid's got a sweet tooth. My brain is on hiatus most of the time, however, but that isn't bothering me a lot. It's hard to think for more than 30 seconds on anything serious, but hell, there will be time for that later, right?

Well, I'm off to shower. It's almost 2 in the afternoon, and I'm in all my PJ'd glory, and John's friends will be here any minute. Don't care! I'm looking at it like a before and after show for them. Before: me in all my pregnant disheveled glory. After: me in all my clean pregnant glory.

Then I'll take a nap.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Plans and Mwah hah haaaaa

I'm a dangerous lady when I set my mind to something. So here I am, about to be dangerous again...

And I need your help.

I am giving day care one more year. Either I have to reduce the number of kids, or I need to figure out something else to do. Today was the topper with the boys; one goose egg and one split lip. Not bad, actually, but I've had it with running after kids who are TRYING TO HURT THEMSELVES. The good news is that I haven't had a panic attack!! The problem is that people keep telling me that this is going to get better. When the kids get older. When so and so are potty trained. When when when.

My mantra can't be "This will get better." I'm nearly freaking Buddhist. I want to live in the moment. Not spend all my time hoping for some later date when I won't be just barely holding on! My choices are:
  • Raise my prices and watch fewer children
  • find a part time job and watch fewer children
  • find some other way to work from home and watch only my own children
  • win the lottery
  • keep going like this until I lose my tiny mind
Can you see any other options? I'd love some input, because while I'm working on numbers and the like on my end, a different set of eyes can always see more. Halp!

Sunday, March 1, 2009

In the middle ages, they just hit each other in the head

I remember having a cold while pregnant with E, and thinking that it was the worst cold in human history. I would lay in bed, moaning and coughing, wondering what people did before drugs. There's a very limited list of things you can take while pregnant, and none of them seem to work very well. Or for very long. As I am now being reminded, for again, I have the worst cold in human history. I think it's the same bastard cold, in fact. The only reason I'm sitting up writing this is my very rational belief that ifI lie down the snot will overwhelm me and I'll have it coming out my ears.

And you're welcome for that image.

Tomorrow Mom is coming over so I can hopefully go see the doctor in the probably futile attempt to see if there is anything that can be done. If nothing else, she said she'd let me take a nap.

In non-snot-related news, the baby is kicking up a storm! All last night at the Ice Rink the baby just kicked away, so the Sudafed must not be working for her, either. Last night we took the girls ice skating, which will happen again when I rule my own private country, am a millionaire and have the body of an 18 year old vixen. Oh, we'll take E again, she did fantastic! She didn't want to hold Daddy's hand, she HOPPED on her own!! and she generally did a wonderful job. Her friend, however, who I know can skate on her own because her family told me so and also because she's been skating at least 10 times, would drop to the ice and scream every time John let go of her hand. She's a drama queen, that kid. Except at the very end, when she skated right to me with no problem.

I wasn't out on the ice because I'm pregnant, by back is already in a delicate place, and we decided to play it safe. I was worn out just watching the three of them stutter-start-fall-scream-HOP!-get picked up-start-repeat around the first quarter of the ice rink. E seems to have inherited some of her aunt's ability on the ice. Her aunt apparently won competitions, or at least did very well in them. John did pretty well on the ice, too. He won a gold medal when he was 4, and some of that talent was still showing last night. Me + Ice = instant concussion. I wanted to skate, though. It looked like so much fun! Plus, John REALLY could have used the extra hand. Maybe after the baby.

Oh, and next time she sleeps over we're going to the damn zoo.