Thursday, March 26, 2009

Books and advice and Rolos. Ha HA!

My behavioral therapist wasn't much help last night. He told me I was doing all the right stuff to deal with the anxiety, but none of it was going to help unless I could reduce or eliminate the triggers in my day.

That would be the screaming.

You see, screaming that keeps going tells your body you are in danger. Your primal reaction can't be stopped, and that reaction is "OH shit! Need to end the danger!" It's classic Flight or Fight. No matter how much your frontal lobe wants to let you know you're really not in danger, you can't change the body's response if the trigger (screaming) doesn't stop. In short: I'm fucked.

Suggestions dude came up with:
  1. Become an eBay seller.
  2. Raise prices on problem children.
  3. See what the child behaviorist has to say, see of it works.
  4. Get rid of problem children.
  5. Get a new job of some sort.
  6. Take the daycare to the next level, hire employees and MANAGE the daycare. Instead of dealing with the children myself.
For obvious reasons, some of those will work and some won't. There were a few others, but htey didn't stick. I was a little frustrated when I left his office, and after getting more wedding stuff together for my sister's invitation samples I went to Barnes and Noble.

Between 10 pm last night and 2 pm today I read Heather Armstrong's book "It Sucked and Then I Cried." Because I do that; I read scarily fast for not being a speed reader. So a novel in under 24 hours is only going that slow because I have to sleep and watch children.

If you are going to have children, read this book. Or if you have children. Or if you run a daycare by yourself and need some comforting reassurance that you are not the only person to have ever gone insane about children, read this book. I laughed so hard at parts of it that I ended up doing the Snagglepuss laugh, which means I was wheezing out laughter and not breathing back in again. I had tears running down my face and almost passed out, because I just couldn't breathe in. Then I collapsed into a bawling puddle on the couch, letting out all the tension and stress of the last week. Pregnancy hormones are crazy!

I also bought "Gardening at the Dragon's Gate." It's a buddhist book on gardening and life that my yoga teacher recomended a while back. I've seen it on some Buddhist websites, too, that just raved about it. You know, as much as Buddhists rave. So it's next, but based on the size of it I'm guessing it'll take me a week to read. It's a big book, and not as story oriented as Heather's. (Go buy Dooce's book! NOW!)

Today has been markedly better than the last three. Thanks for the support, both in comments and in calls! It means a lot to have any sort of connection to other people, people who lack penises and make things and know how to read. I'm not sure if it was the realization that I am not the only person who has dealt with post-partum, even tough I knew that; or the kids responding to my behavior plan, or just the gorious movement of the cosmos, but I am grateful. I am grateful for a day that will end with a pinata we made and painted and filled. A day with less screaming, less crazy, less stress. A day that will turn into a tomorrow where I will have TWO WHOLE DAYS child free. I love these guys! I needed a break. and now, it's time to get these guys up and have a fiesta.

Have a great weekend, and I'll see you on the other side!


HollyLynne said...

I ORDERED THAT BOOK THIS AFTERNOON. It Sucked and Then I Cried. Just before I read your post. AWESOME. Can't wait to read it now!

Beans said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Beans said...

ohhh i have it combine 1 and 4 and sell the children on ebay
that will be 1000 dollars
see ya tomorrow