Wednesday, April 29, 2009

30.5 weeks, redeux

I meant to talk about the pregnancy in my last post, but was too wiped out. I was too wiped out to talk about the pregnancy because the pregnancy is now officially keeping me from getting enough sleep.

Things no one tells you about being pregnant # 75897:

Once you hit the last trimester you can forget about sleeping through the night. You get up to pee at least once but more likely 2 to 3 times. You have to roll over about every hour, which involves much grunting and huffing and usually a grumbly sleeping partner, and you must roll because your hips, knees and back ache from being in the same position for more than 40 minutes. This is made all the harder because you are most likely sleeping in a pillow fort of some kind. Since you are officially NOT TO LAY ON YOUR BACK! !! !!!! after the fifth month, you must construct some sort of soft, pillowy structure to stop you from rolling onto your back in your sleep. Plus, dude, you are going to need something between your knees to help your poor back, and under your belly, and hips. All the ligaments and tendons are full of relaxin bby now, which is a chemical that loosens your joints and tendons and the like. So that you can pass that watermelon out that lemon hole. You are welcome for that image, it came from Carol Burnett, I believe. Anywhoo, as welcome as this chemical is, it makes the rest of your body ache in the night. If you are in your thirs trimester and someone tells you to catch up on your sleep now becuase you'll need it when the baby comes (like you can store rest, asshole) you are entitled to punch them in the face. While screaming obscenities. Trust me! Any judge and jury would let you slide. Especially of they are female and have children.

The baby is still trucking away in there. Tomorrow marks 31 weeks, which is a home stretch if I've ever heard of one. Saying I have nine weeks left makes it sound so close! Saying I have until July makes it sound so far away. I'm not sure which is better.

I spent close to two hours last night looking for jobs on a site I found. There was nothing I wanted to do, was qualified for or that paid enough. I found one library job, but it was part time and evenings. DAMN. But I have a while (nine weeks, or JULY) before I can really get serious. I am looking, however, because all the kids have colds, and three out of six are teething. My day is a very loud day. And cranky. But so far things are still going well, and the crazy is holding off. Soon I'll have a new baby, and a very proud big girl, and a newly enchanted husband and parents. I may not get much sleep, but I'm pretty damn happy about that today. Oh, and have I mentioned there are a lot of mood swings in pregnancy?

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

30.5 weeks

I went to the pediatrician/family physician today, and was told that I could "have that baby and then pop a lexapro" if I wanted to. I love that woman. She felt the baby in my womb, talked to me about my iron and calcium, and basically rocked. I came home, all the kids went right to sleep for nap, and now I'm going to lay the hell down. Which means the 8 mo old will probably wake up, but I'm going to try anyway. More later?

Monday, April 27, 2009

Enough already

Lately I've been seeing a ton about dead kids. Enough. I'm sitting here with tears streaming down my cheeks from yet another story about a little one that died. I know it happens, I know it is the worst thing ever, I know. I fear it every day. But enough already. Let's go a few months before another tragedy, OK? Let's give parents a rest, and let them keep their kids. Let's just do.

I saw the OB this morning, and we're measuring perfectly. The heartbeat was great, blood pressure great, a little protein in my pee, but I might be a touch dehydrated. I've only gained one pound in two weeks, which is great. I told the OB I was worried about low birth weight, and having a kid with mental deficiencies. Normal. But I might stay the hell off the internet for the next 9.6 weeks, because I don't need to read any other horror stories, thank you.

I'm hot on the trail of a new job. If by "hot on the trail" you mean looking and despairing. The right one will come along when it's ready. I'm going to be filling out and application on May 8th, and maybe taking some tests after that for a school position. I'm not holding out a lot of hope, but it's worth a shot, right? I hate job hunting.

I'm getting myself a pizza tonight. I'm also going to get a sandbox for the kids, some labels to put on wedding invitations, the paper for the invitations, and a seam gauge since the sewing class took both of mine. Dammit.

The baby is up again. I've gotta go.

Friday, April 24, 2009

nice day, crap news and oreos

Today I took the kids to the zoo with another mom, and met two of the three remaining moms there. It was awesome! The kids had a good time, we had a good time, things went swimmingly. If more days were like today I'd consider continuing to do this job.

On a related note, the assistant librarian position was filled while I was filling out the application. Damn. So I'm still looking, but nothing is going to be as perfect as that job seemed. It was down the road from my mom, a school job with school hours, in a library. I'd still be working with kids, just older ones. Oh well. Wasn't meant to be.

In good news, a friend that's been looking for a new job for years finally found one, and has been offered the position! She's been at her current job for 9 years, and needed out badly. I'm so happy for her!

Beck's having house finding issues. I'm crossing my fingers that the right one comes along soon.

Finally, I told John that he wouldn't be going to bed last night until I had oreos. I have oreos. They are wonderful, and this weekend is shaping up nicely. Tonight John has made some time so that we can cuddle and watch a movie. He's been so busy I feel like I haven't touched the man all week! He's also going to bring me home a big, cold, frosty root beer. After a day at the zoo, I could use one. Man, today rocked. It was so nice to have a good day!

I hope you have a great weekend!

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Scheduled computer time

Tonight I will have one free hour to finish my application for the Librarian position. I plan to make full use of this time, since 1) I want this motherfucker DONE, and 2) John seems to "need" the computer for "school." It's funny: I started the online application for the job and my laptop immediately died and John ended up with 4 projects he had to do online this week. Oh, and naptime went straight to hell. In order to write this I had to send E up to her room for quiet time. I can hear her playing instead of laying down, but I'm picking my battles today.

I am going to have John bring home Oreos tonight. I need them. I have suddenly developed a ravenous hunger, starting today, and we'll see how long it goes. With E I was all food all the time, but with this one I've been less hungry than normal. Until today, when I had noodle soup with the kids, leftover miso beets from last night and a cheese sandwhich for lunch. I might go have another cheese sandwich right now; writing about food has made me hungry again and it's been 15 minutes.

And that's just what I did.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009


Os, yeah, today was a bit rough. Ended with no one hurt, though, and on a good note. John's making me miso beets for dinner, which is very nice of him. (It's one of my favorites!) Hopefully the next post will be more cheery.

I think I might be a *little* hormonal right now. Sorry guys!

Feeling groovy

I read a lot of blogs that are about crafting, and for some odd reason a lot of the crafters I read are all pregnant right now. One has a tour of the room she has set up for her child, which is very nice and very Montessori. I can't help wondering how she's going to feel when her child breaks all that beautiful stuff she has just at his height and in his reach. Mayne it will be different with her, maybe her child won't explore by trying to take things apart. I hope so, for her sake.

Another crafter I read reminded me to slow down and enjoy this time with just the three of us. Which sounds good, and I'm trying. But I want back on my meds yesterday, which makes that living in the moment thing we try so hard to do nearly damn impossible.

There are other sites and stories out there along this same vein. I thik perhaps dealing with so many children, alone, for over two years has soured me to the very ideas that I hold dear. Sure, a Motessori room sounds great! Wait until the little guy breaks all those beautiful picture frames and rips apart the books. I'd love to live in the moment and enjoy each minute, but really all I want is to get through the day, and the next one, and the next one. Without someone getting hurt or screaming or fighting all the time. Actually, I want to go on a damn retreat somewhere, and have a week of quiet. With a new job waiting when I get home.

You know what? I thought I had a point here. Instead, I'm going to end this uplifting post and out the baby back too sleep. Again. Hump day.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Digital, libraries and the like

You know what? I LOVE iron. I would love Iron Man, too, but I'm married. That iron supplement I'm taking seems to be doing the trick, because I had a horrid day yesterday, complete with the same kid getting hurt TWICE, and I didn't have a panic attack. I can't explain to you how huge that is. It's fucking awesome! My anxiety has been way down in general, but yesterday wins awards in my book for bad days bringing great results. I may invest in an iron skillet just to get more iron in my diet (it's a legit method, actually) and I am going to stay on these darling pills for as long as I need to. Hot Damn.

That being said, yesterday did it. It put me right the fuck over the edge as far as this job goes. I am applying for new jobs, particularly an assistant librarian one I'm going to finish the online application for tonight. It's at a local elementary school near where my mom lives. She has agreed to take my offspring again, and I couldn't be more grateful. That woman needs a prize of some sort. So wish me luck in finding a good day time job, hopefully with a school, that pays decently. hahahaha. ha.

On to unrelated news items:
  • I finished the baby blanket! I need to take some new pics of E anyway, so I may have her hold the blanket so you get a two for one deal. I even hand-stitched binding! Thanks, Beck!
  • John and I are digitizing our music. We have a terabyte hard drive (external) that we're putting everything on. We're guessing with the amount of music we own that it will take around 6 months if we work on it every night. We are already one week behind schedule. Damn.
  • I am starting on a dress for E, made out of Japanese wiener dog linen. That sounds so wrong, but is so very cute. Next, on to baby stuff.
  • I went to my first American Sewing Guild meeting. I now know how to sew swimming suits! I was the youngest one there by 15 years, but hell, these ladies are great at sewing. I'm hoping to learn a ton from them. Also, they do charity work through sewing, so I'm happy to be involved.
  • Baby is kicking up a storm lately!
  • We had a really great weekend. It was wonderful to be able to enjoy what I was doing without feeling like the world was going to end. I taught my first sewing class, which was at JoAnn's and all about how to pick out fabric, supplies and notions. I enjoyed time with my husband and child. I didn't freak the fuck out. I'll say it again, I love me some iron.
That's all I've got today. Hound me about the pics if they're not up tomorrow, and go check out Bean's possible new place, and the cool stuff Holly's been doing at Indie Home Ec!

Friday, April 17, 2009


Oh thank the universe at large that this week is over. Weekend is needed. It's the stiff drink I can't have. Whew!

It looks like the Early Childhood Degree I was looking at actually isn't offered online at the local college John and I prefer, so that's scrapped. That's OK with me; I wasn't passionate about it. There is a degree in GIS, which has urban planning and the like. Only two classes would be at the physical location, so that would work. I would love to go back to school for horticulture, but I can't see myself going back to school full time with two kids anytime soon. With the GIS degree I could perhaps push towards re-using space and greening the world up a bit. We'll have to see!

That's all I have for now. Baby is bopping around, which makes me very happy. The weather is supposed to be nice today. I'm almost finished with the baby's blanket, I just need some help figuring out the binding. I need to type up a supplies list and some basic instructions for my class tomorrow, but that's about it. It's nice not to feel like there's a crushing weight on me!

Have a great weekend!

Thursday, April 16, 2009

In the FUTURE....

Today is finally sunny, which means I took the kids, who have been running in circles in my house for the past week, outside. They ran for 5 minutes, then they all sat down, quietly, to play in the dirt. They are all bizarre.

Good news front:
  1. I just found out that my super talented Aunt Kathy will be teaching my sewing class with me. She can make suits! So I hope I don't embarrass myself too badly in front of her. She wants to take me to an American Sewing Guild meeting on Sunday, and if John's OK with that I'd love to go. I not a big joiner, but there's a discount at fabric stores and the like, and they have free classes! Sunday's is on how to sew with knits, which is something I've been a bit intimidated to try. It would also be nice to reconnect with this Aunt, who was one of my favorites when I was very small. She's Catholic now, which is a sticking point sometimes, with some people. It would be with her husband, I think. I'm hoping that we can get around the religion and other conservative vs. uber liberal issues and just hang out. If not, I will have at least tried.
  2. I talked to John last night about changing jobs. My initial plan was to do something part time to be home for the kids at least a few days a week, and to craft to somehow make up the difference. Somehow. He said OK. I cried with relief and the realization that this business, that I have worked my ass off for, is not a good fit for me. Then I went out for a bit~more on that in a second. When I got home John and I talked a bit about our financial situation and what is realistic. He's so smart for waiting! We're thinking a bit, and doing some research. We have some time since I'm not planning on doing anything until after the baby is born, and probably until after the end of this year. One thing we are thinking about is having me get my Early Childhood degree online and then work in a center for a bit. I could probably get a job in a center without it, but the pay would be better with that piece of paper. This would let me earn an income, be with my kids, and still get out of the house and be around other adults. It's not what I want in the long term, but it's one possible solution. Like I said, we're looking at a lot of stuff. I'll let you know what the plan is once we get one!
I canceled my Behaviorist last night. Instead I went to JoAnn's to get some stuff for corset making and to get an idea of things I need to tell the students to get for class. I also waited fro a friend to call me back. She's preggers as well, and while I have seen some women go through rough pregnancies, this is beyond my scope. Poor girl is having a really rough time, so I went over last night to just talk. One thing a Mom learns quickly: you need other moms. If for no other reason than to vent with someone who understands, because being a Mom is rough. It's wonderful, and rewarding, but not every minute is bliss. There's a whole lot of shit no one tells you to start off, and every kid is different. So I listened and talked, and was very happy to be there for someone who needed me. I have a small group of people I call friends, but I would do anything for them. That's how much I think of these people.

I wish I could have done more; I wish I could have given her an easy answer or any solution at all. Here's something no one tells you about being pregnant: at some point you feel trapped. You can't force the baby out, or go back to before you were pregnant. You can't get a new job, have a drink, or prepare any further for what is about to come. You can't know what it's going to be like after the baby comes, even after you've had one. All you can do is keep on keepin' on, and wait it out. Which, frankly, sucks the big one, hard. Sorry, ladies, some of us get pregnancies that are sunshine and rainbows. Some of us get constipation, raging hormones and hemmoriods. If we're lucky, we get more of the first than the second, but everyone gets a little of each, usually.

I wish I could tell my friend that after the baby comes everything will get better, but I can't do that, either. It could! But there's sleep deprivation like you've never known, even if you've been deprived before. There's the demands of this other person, who doesn't tell you what they want. There's the hormone roller coaster yet again, and the realization that this is for the rest of your life. Even if it's all you've ever wanted, that's a biggie. BUT! It gets better. Eventually the creature sleeps. It starts talking, and loving you, and getting cute. You learn to adapt, and love more than you knew you could, and you get so tired and frustrated and happy and grateful. And it doesn't stop. There are new discoveries every day, and new trials, too. You realize your flaws, your shortcomings, your strengths and your areas that need some help. You lament those perky boobs that are gone. You rejoice at your new status as Best Mommy In The World. And you keep going. Which is where I am right now, with a girl who was super happy to see me after a day with Grandma. She's the best thing ever, and as hard as life can get, I wouldn't change her one little bit.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

My brain is back and sewing for the small masses

One side effect of anemia (and pregnancy) is the inability to concentrate. Cognitive functions go WAY down, it appears, which may be the reason I've been calling every child in the day care the wrong name. Even my own kid. To combat this I've been trying to do all my important thinking stuff in the early afternoon, before I get so tired I can't think. I can't tell you how many times in the last month I have tried to play a video or something on my computer and spent the next half hour trying to figure out why the speakers weren't working. I had headphones plugged in. Every damn time.

I've also been eating foods high in iron, as well as taking the supplement. I've also started watching my other vitamins and minerals, like absorbic acid and calcium. With E John and I watched these things like hawks. It's so very different when you already have a child; the time and energy just aren't the same. But I am starting to feel a little better, which is good because I'm going to be teaching a sewing class for the next 4 weeks, and I need my brain to do that.

I'm stoked! This is the first class I'll be teaching to actual, no shit, adults. Over 7 years old. That can drive and hear swear words. Plus I'm teaching a SEWING CLASS! Hot damn, something I like to do! Not that teaching toddlers to get messy in paint isn't fun, this is just more in line with where I'd like to be personally. The class is about sewing without worry, how to fix the inevitable mistakes, and how to have fun with the craft. It's a very beginning sewing class, so much so that the first class meets at a fabric store so I can show them how to pick out fabric and basic supplies. Two of the people don't even own sewing machines!

We're going to make some place settings. I'm going to lay out some stuff tonight and tomorrow, to make sure I tell everyone to buy the correct amount of fabric. We're making (in theory) 4 place mats, 4 napkins and 4 coasters. I need to actually make what the class is going to make this week, to make sure it all fits, works, etc. Plus, I need to write up a supply list and some instructions. I hope at the end of this class everyone feels empowered to make their own stuff instead of buying it, and that they are happy to know that they can create something. It always makes me feel better! If I'm lucky, at least one or two of these students will go on to enjoy a new, wonderful hobby. Maybe even spread the word. Who knows?

Well, I need to get finger puppet making materials together for after nap. E is at her Grandma's today, and the other big girl wants some special attention and crafting. I can dig it! I miss my girl, but a day away makes seeing her again so wonderful. She needed a Grandma day, and I needed a day to recharge. I'm so lucky that I'm gong to have all the help coming my way after Wee II is out. One is tough, two will be tougher. Not as bad as 6, but this one will live here and we'll not be sleeping.

Crap, I still need to get those wedding invitations for my sister worked out. Crap. Why isn't this a well paying job?

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

And then I started eating metal

I've been seeing stars for weeks now. I mentioned it to my OB, who thought it was blood pressure changes when I moved around. I've been exhausted, but I run a day care and am pregnant. I've been so anxious that I can't watch most movies or listen to a ton of music, for fear that something will set me off, not to mention how I've been unable to enjoy my daily life due to the feeling things were about to fall apart. My OB thought all of these things were normal, just me or related (normally) to the pregnancy.

It turns out I'm anemic. That's actually great news, since it means that there is something I can do about the anxiety. Did you know anemia could cause anxiety, especially if you are already prone to it? Neither did I. So I'm taking an iron pill with my prenatal and John and I are figuring out some good things for our family to eat. I cried yesterday when I found out that not only was I low on iron, but that's probably the reason for the symptoms listed above. Especially the anxiety. Knowing that I could do something before 12 weeks was such a relief, I can't even tell you!

So hooray! And now I'm off to play with the kids!

Monday, April 13, 2009


This weekend was so so good, and so very bad. We had a great time, E slept in! And Easter activities were nice. We managed to get the rooms switched around to my satisfaction, laundry done and some nice relaxing in. I also spent this weekend gripped by anxiety. It never bloomed into a full blown attack, but it was far from comfortable or pleasant.

I'm hoping for a really good afternoon so that I can be sane tonight...


It's nap time, but neither of the two older girls were sleeping. I let them get up, play with their favorite modeling clay toy, and am giving them Easter candy. I feel great about this! Sometimes you just need to spoil kids a bit.

I also ordered the white noise machine the BT for the kids recommended. It'll save us money because then I won't have the vacuum on for hours at a time. Because I just had to dish out over $5000 in taxes, I used my allowance. I figure it's worth it; my quality of life should greatly improve while our electricity bill decreases.

I'm going to do everything I can after everyone else wakes up to make this afternoon fun. Well, this afternoon and every day from now on. It's not that I didn't before, but I've been to focused on how hard this job is, instead of focusing on how much fun it can be. Thus ramping my anxiety up to new heights, because I'm so worried about what the next day will bring. Changing the focus of my day will hopefully help.

Tonight I'm going to a friend's house to learn about making corsets. I'm hoping this will end up being a side income that is significant, because I need something else. This living/working/children thing is work, wonderful, difficult and maddening. I am blessed and trapped at the same time, and am going to, again, focus on the good parts. And wait for medication. Sigh.

Friday, April 10, 2009

And the Doctor says:

I met with the psychiatrist this morning. She recommended going back on meds 3 to 4 weeks before my due date. I then talked to the OB, who said with my history that course of action was understandable, but that there was still a risk to the baby. Not withdrawal, like the Psych was worried about, but other symptoms associated with ANY use of that class of drugs at ANY time during the third trimester. Symptoms like slow heartbeat, breathing problems, seizures and irritability. She also said that most babies are fine, but there is an increased risk. Even if you start taking the drugs only two weeks before birth. She recommended that I think about it.

I'll start taking the drugs after the baby is born. Getting me to therapeutic levels before postpartum kicks in is important, but not as important as making sure my newborn doesn't have seizures. Do I still have a little anxiety? Sure. But I've been avoiding the panic attacks, and will continue to do so, cognitively. The docs both said that the panic doesn't harm the baby, so I don't have to worry about past damage done. Thank goodness.

I'm now 28 weeks, which means 12 left. I can do this. Everything is going to be OK! The baby is growing well, the heartbeat is good, and things around this joint are improving at a rapid pace. We're moving furniture around this weekend to further de-anxiety daycare time, and that make me happy, too. Two kids is going to be a trip, but a good one.

And now, I need to get off the computer because a certain girl and her Daddy want to watch a HomeStar Runner before her bubble bath. Happy Easter/Passover/weekend!

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Letting go

It's been an interesting 24 hours here at casa Crazy. I had company yesterday; my Aunt in the morning to train for tomorrow, and my friend Karen here in the afternoon because I was lonely. All I can say is Hot Damn! for friends, because they can get you through some stupid shit. Long story short, I had a little panic attack because one of the boys had a tiny bruise and I didn't know exactly where it came from. His mom was fine, the boy is fine, I am now fine. And you know what? I have decided that yesterday's attack was my last one.

I've been reading about anxiety and mastery of panic attacks from a therapist's manual. I've been seeing a behaviorist. Last night we went back through and rehashed everything that I've reacted to, everything I've learned, and all my triggers. I know what causes this, and I now know how to let it go. I am done being hijacked by my own hind brain. I'm letting go of the fear, letting go of the learned behavior that causes the anxiety and panic, and I'm letting go of the anxiety and panic themselves.

Part of this means letting go of some of the rules here at daycare. It means letting go of some of what I had wanted to do, and releasing a lot of my expectations. It means reclaiming some of the space I had used back into family space, and removing a lot of things from the one room I'll be using, so that the space is safer, and I can see everyone at all times. As far as I'm concerned, this is all fine. It's great, in fact! And while the behaviorist's program was tough, and will be for another week or so, I am definitely seeing improvement. I emailed him questions and got answers back this morning, and things are getting better all the time.

This job will always be a hard one. There will always be days that I will need to step outside, that I will be so frustrated and blown that shoveling raw sewage will seem like an improvement. But on those days I will give up. To hell with our plans, we will survive, find a way to laugh about it, and just stay safe. Safe knowing that this is a good place to be, that we love each other, and that bad days end. Bad weeks end. Bad years end. And there are always good bits to be found within those times. I'd forgotten that.

Now, let me not mislead you: once this tiny baby is out and getting on with the growing I will be back on my meds. ASAP. Anxiety and panic may be learned behaviors, but there is a medical component as well. I have always had a problem with depression (I run out of seritonin and LOOK OUT!) plus I've dealt with post-partum before. That sucker's tough. So I'm not going to fuck around. But from now until something explodes or there is a real emergency, this crap is over, and I am very happy about that.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Important stuff ~ 27 weeks

Let's do a baby post, shall we?

On Thursday I will be 28 weeks preggers, which means I have roughly 12.5 weeks left of gestating this little miracle that won't let me pee more than 3 tablespoons at a time. Lately she's been very quiet during the day until I lay down, and then she wallops me like a European footballer drunk after the big win. She's a little more subdued at night. Or I'm somehow miraculously sleeping through her shenanigans, which I'll take because she can't be loud until she's out. In around 12 weeks. Holy fuck, Batman.

Let's see, the behaviorist was here last night, everything went well, today sucked like it was supossed to, tomorrow will suck more and then it will get better. Tonight we had a birthday party for my Grandma. Tomorrow I see my personal BT, and Thursday, O Frabjuous Day, I have FREE. Which means sewing for E or her sister!! Let me add to that: !!!!! There is SO much I want to make for those two, and I only have 12 weeks. CRAP! I need to make that doll. Crap.

It appears that E will be going to her Bubba's and Aunt's for the last week of June. I am very mixed up about this emotionally. I know that she will have a great time, but my baby! I will miss her so. Also, what if the baby comes while she is gone? And her schedule? What will they do to her precious, hard won schedule? Dude. I'm going to be the Mother of Children. Can you feel the hormones in this post?

Lately, as in the past week, my belly has become very heavy. It feels like gravity is pulling much stronger there, and this makes my ribs hurt. Also, I am hungry, but there is a fine line to how much I can eat. If I don;t eat enough I still feel like I am starving; eat too much and the upper left side of my basketball (you know, the one on my front mid-section) aches for hours, and I have to sit with a definite right lean. The baby is around 2 pounds now, and let's go to the internets for some facts:

Your baby now weighs in at approximately 14½ inches and just over 2 pounds, or about the size of that roast you made last time your in-laws were in town.

Vegetarians apparently need to re-evaluate what they cook when those pesky in-laws are in town.

This week, your baby weighs almost 2 pounds (like a head of cauliflower) and is about 14 1/2 inches long with her legs extended. She's sleeping and waking at regular intervals, opening and closing her eyes, and perhaps even sucking her fingers. With more brain tissue developing, your baby's brain is very active now. While her lungs are still immature, they would be capable of functioning — with a lot of medical help — if she were to be born now.

At least BabyCenter is veggie friendly!

One thing I need to call the OB about, apparently, is the fact that I've been seeing spots, or floaters, off and on lately. I see her Friday, but it's on the Important List. Damn. At least Wee II is kicking!

Monday, April 6, 2009

Busy, busy

First: insanity update. It's going better. It's honest-to-god, not even pretending to seem chipper here, going better. I don't know if it is the book the BT gave me on anxiety, more or different hormones, getting taxes nearly done except figuring out our home owner's insurance and my receipts, or what, but I feel like my feet are back under me. This is a relatively new feeling, just the last day or so, therefore I'm waiting to see if it stays and still going to talk to the docs. But MAN does it feel good not to feel like I'm about to lose my shit at any given minute!

I've come to some theories regarding this last episode of crazy. Here they are:
  1. John's car troubles might have stressed me out more than I realized.
  2. Taxes: In order to do my self employed taxes I have to go through literally every day of the past year to determine when each child arrived, who was here, when they ate, etc. Which means I went back through one of the worst years of my life day by day. I think that may have had a little to do with the panic attacks coming back. Maybe.
  3. Hormones: I have just shifted into third trimester. Just a theory...
  4. According to the Therapist's manual the therapist gave me, I am right in the window of relapse for people with anxiety attacks who treated their condition primarily with drugs and then stopped using those drugs. Add all these factors together, and Viola! I'm nuts.
The behaviorist for the kids/day care situation comes tonight. It is so completely worth losing my free evening to get some shit sorted out! I hope he is as wonderful as I remember him being when he taught us to get our little E to sleep at night. Tomorrow night we're celebrating my Grandmother's 80 somethingth birthday, and Wednesday it's my BT night. After that, Thursday is free, Friday is free? and this weekend we're back to PA for Easter with John's parents. Then we all colapse and sleep for as long as we can and start this shit all over again.

Two things! Thing one: Momversations. John heard one I was listening to on Dooce and told me his head almost fell off from how insipid it was. I find them mostly interesting, which leads me to believe that is you haven't gestated and squeezed a living being out of your vagina that you won't like these. If you go to Dooce, click the link on the right, listen in and let me know what you think.

Thing two: Man, this is sad. I forget thing two. How about, it's snowing here! Stupid snow. Or, um, I have lots of sewing I want to do, but need to finish a ton of crap first! Or, my sister's wedding invitations are not started! There's also: I need to buy maternity underwear, because it seems that I threw it all away last time! Why would I do that?! And lastly: I'm going to go get the mail! And look for receipts! I WANT MY TAXES FINISHED! To hell with 2008, you are over! BE GONE WITH YA! I just ate a big peice of chocolate bunny. Sugar!

Thursday, April 2, 2009

30 days

According to my Behavioral Therapist, is takes 30 days to change a habit. So my habit of panic attacks should take 30 days to change, starting today. He gave me the Therapist's Manual on "Mastery of Your Anxiety and Panic" and told me to heal myself if I can. He also said that cognitively I should no longer be having panic attacks because I know why I'm having them, what triggers them and exactly what I am afraid of. In short, I might just need the damn drugs.

However, since I can't see either my psychiatrist or my OB until next Friday, I am working on a plan my BT and I developed. A 30 Day Plan to change my habits and thinking, and the way I deal with stress and anxiety in general. I t helps that the boy who screams and his sister aren't here today due to appointments. That's what their Mom told me during our long talk when she picked them up yesterday, anyway. If that's not true, so be it. At least I've had a good day. It's been calm, quiet and fairly enjoyable, with a distinct lack of noise. Hurrah!

The nurse from the OB's office called me back last night, and this is why I hate talking to a nurse or other middleman. She only asked about the two drugs I was taking before pregnancy, not a treatment in general, so she told me the doc would recommend taking Lexapro and using Xanax in emergencies. She sugggested I could wean off before the baby's born? Which means she had no clue about the medication. I looked at perinatal effects on the internet last night and found some really scary stuff. All the websites mention that there are now "safe" drugs, but none of the websites listed what those drugs were. So we wait until Friday and talk to the pros face to freaking face.

My Master Gardener application came today, but the program doesn't start until next year. I'm thinking of submitting one a month until I'm accepted...would that be creepy? There are only 25 spots, and I WANT IN. I also looked at some schools both physical and internet for horticulture. The news is not good. There are two internet schools, one of which is based in the UK and charges about $800 per class. There are 10 classes a year. Three years of school. Internet school. Hell no: if I'm paying that much I want to have an instructor to beat up face to face when I need help, not someone I'd have to conference with at 3 am over the net.

It looks like the only physical schools close to me are either the HUGE institution half an hour away, or stuff that's closer but crazily out of our price range. So the MG program looks like the best shot, and I'm OK with that! 30 days of change, a potential way out, and the baby is kicking a ton. It's going to be OK. (repeat until convinced)

Also, a friend may have a way to sew and make money at it. We'll be sorting out the details after Easter. I'll post details if it looks like it's going to be a go!

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Since vodka is out right now

I got home after picking up John's car last night around 10. We left at 6. E fell asleep in the car about 7, barely woke up to get into her Daddy's car, and I ended up carrying her up to her room where she proceeded to sleep until this morning.

Then I lost my ever loving shit.

One thing about anxiety that chaps my ass is that once it starts rolling, it's extremely hard to stop without some sort of intervention. And by intervention I mean drugs. So I took a shower, cried, talked to John, cried, played World of Goo on the Wii and passed out. I felt a ton better this morning until problem child started screaming. I felt myself starting to tense, so I called his mom. She called back right in the middle of an attack. I was crying, telling her that he just had to stop the screaming. He. Must. Stop. This. I went on to tell her that I was trying to hold on until the behaviorist came on Monday, but I had to be honest, the screaming triggers my anxiety and I can't keep this up. She had to go into a meeting...did I want someone to come pick him up? I said no, let's wait until after nap. Even though this kid is making me feel like the world is going to end, I didn't want to let the parent down. There is something wrong with me.

I've talked to the mom again since then, and everything was fine once the dude ate and calmed down. I was doing better. Am doing better. We talked about his screeching, what she does when he has tantrums, what we do here, the behaviorist, etc. My attack is over, but I have a call in to my OB, and failing that I can call my psychiatrist back for an appointment. The first available one was in three weeks, or when the behaviorist was here. Not a great choice, that.

So I'm in a spot: is it worse to take the medicine that will keep me from acting like this, or is it worse to have the anxiety attacks? Because really, I just want to do what's best for the baby. It wasn't like this with E, and I'm afraid my current anxiety is going to cause this baby to be uptight for the rest of it's life. Which sounds extremely stupid until you're in the situation. I only have about 13 weeks left, but 13 weeks of crying and panicking every night does not seem attractive. Neither does having a newborn with seizures. I don't know what to do, which is why I employ medical doctors. When they let me know, I'll let you know.

I don't want to be like this, broken and afraid and miserable. One thing reading "It Sucked and Then I Cried" did for me was reassure me that lots of parents go through this crap. There is help. I just wish I didn't need it with the child still in the womb. I do not want anything to hurt this baby. So I feel selfish needing help, possibly drugs, to deal with life until she's out. What if the drugs hurt her? I would never forgive myself. Parenting is so full of gray areas and guilt to begin with, adding something like this is freaking unfair. Wah. WAH! Please, any deities out there, let my kids not inherit this crazy their mom has. Because it's true: It sucks and then you cry. Perfect title for parenting while dealing with mental disease.

Through all of this I've been trying to find a long-term solution to the day-care problem. The day-care problem being that I don't want to continue in this line of work forever. I don't like the hours of management, which is what I am trained in, nor do I enjoy retail, or the public in general. Making a living through sewing doesn't seem viable, so I have requested an application for the Master Gardener's program at out local extension office. If I become a Master Gardener then I might have the skills to find a job with plants after the kids are in school. Plants are quiet, they don't demand much, they are low stress and fairly stable. I love gardening, so this might be a good option for me. I want to be home with my kids until they go to school, and once they are in school be there when they get home, etc. That may or may not end up happening, but I feel better knowing I'm finding another way to bring income home. The future is hazy, and we don't always get what we want. That's fine. I'd rather be a good parent and work outside the home than a lousy parent that's always around.

Wow~mind crap dump post. If you've made it this far you deserve a chocolate milkshake! Thanks for listening. I really will let you know what the docs say, once I hear. I hope you never go through this particular conundrum.