Thursday, April 16, 2009

In the FUTURE....

Today is finally sunny, which means I took the kids, who have been running in circles in my house for the past week, outside. They ran for 5 minutes, then they all sat down, quietly, to play in the dirt. They are all bizarre.

Good news front:
  1. I just found out that my super talented Aunt Kathy will be teaching my sewing class with me. She can make suits! So I hope I don't embarrass myself too badly in front of her. She wants to take me to an American Sewing Guild meeting on Sunday, and if John's OK with that I'd love to go. I not a big joiner, but there's a discount at fabric stores and the like, and they have free classes! Sunday's is on how to sew with knits, which is something I've been a bit intimidated to try. It would also be nice to reconnect with this Aunt, who was one of my favorites when I was very small. She's Catholic now, which is a sticking point sometimes, with some people. It would be with her husband, I think. I'm hoping that we can get around the religion and other conservative vs. uber liberal issues and just hang out. If not, I will have at least tried.
  2. I talked to John last night about changing jobs. My initial plan was to do something part time to be home for the kids at least a few days a week, and to craft to somehow make up the difference. Somehow. He said OK. I cried with relief and the realization that this business, that I have worked my ass off for, is not a good fit for me. Then I went out for a bit~more on that in a second. When I got home John and I talked a bit about our financial situation and what is realistic. He's so smart for waiting! We're thinking a bit, and doing some research. We have some time since I'm not planning on doing anything until after the baby is born, and probably until after the end of this year. One thing we are thinking about is having me get my Early Childhood degree online and then work in a center for a bit. I could probably get a job in a center without it, but the pay would be better with that piece of paper. This would let me earn an income, be with my kids, and still get out of the house and be around other adults. It's not what I want in the long term, but it's one possible solution. Like I said, we're looking at a lot of stuff. I'll let you know what the plan is once we get one!
I canceled my Behaviorist last night. Instead I went to JoAnn's to get some stuff for corset making and to get an idea of things I need to tell the students to get for class. I also waited fro a friend to call me back. She's preggers as well, and while I have seen some women go through rough pregnancies, this is beyond my scope. Poor girl is having a really rough time, so I went over last night to just talk. One thing a Mom learns quickly: you need other moms. If for no other reason than to vent with someone who understands, because being a Mom is rough. It's wonderful, and rewarding, but not every minute is bliss. There's a whole lot of shit no one tells you to start off, and every kid is different. So I listened and talked, and was very happy to be there for someone who needed me. I have a small group of people I call friends, but I would do anything for them. That's how much I think of these people.

I wish I could have done more; I wish I could have given her an easy answer or any solution at all. Here's something no one tells you about being pregnant: at some point you feel trapped. You can't force the baby out, or go back to before you were pregnant. You can't get a new job, have a drink, or prepare any further for what is about to come. You can't know what it's going to be like after the baby comes, even after you've had one. All you can do is keep on keepin' on, and wait it out. Which, frankly, sucks the big one, hard. Sorry, ladies, some of us get pregnancies that are sunshine and rainbows. Some of us get constipation, raging hormones and hemmoriods. If we're lucky, we get more of the first than the second, but everyone gets a little of each, usually.

I wish I could tell my friend that after the baby comes everything will get better, but I can't do that, either. It could! But there's sleep deprivation like you've never known, even if you've been deprived before. There's the demands of this other person, who doesn't tell you what they want. There's the hormone roller coaster yet again, and the realization that this is for the rest of your life. Even if it's all you've ever wanted, that's a biggie. BUT! It gets better. Eventually the creature sleeps. It starts talking, and loving you, and getting cute. You learn to adapt, and love more than you knew you could, and you get so tired and frustrated and happy and grateful. And it doesn't stop. There are new discoveries every day, and new trials, too. You realize your flaws, your shortcomings, your strengths and your areas that need some help. You lament those perky boobs that are gone. You rejoice at your new status as Best Mommy In The World. And you keep going. Which is where I am right now, with a girl who was super happy to see me after a day with Grandma. She's the best thing ever, and as hard as life can get, I wouldn't change her one little bit.

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