Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Since vodka is out right now

I got home after picking up John's car last night around 10. We left at 6. E fell asleep in the car about 7, barely woke up to get into her Daddy's car, and I ended up carrying her up to her room where she proceeded to sleep until this morning.

Then I lost my ever loving shit.

One thing about anxiety that chaps my ass is that once it starts rolling, it's extremely hard to stop without some sort of intervention. And by intervention I mean drugs. So I took a shower, cried, talked to John, cried, played World of Goo on the Wii and passed out. I felt a ton better this morning until problem child started screaming. I felt myself starting to tense, so I called his mom. She called back right in the middle of an attack. I was crying, telling her that he just had to stop the screaming. He. Must. Stop. This. I went on to tell her that I was trying to hold on until the behaviorist came on Monday, but I had to be honest, the screaming triggers my anxiety and I can't keep this up. She had to go into a meeting...did I want someone to come pick him up? I said no, let's wait until after nap. Even though this kid is making me feel like the world is going to end, I didn't want to let the parent down. There is something wrong with me.

I've talked to the mom again since then, and everything was fine once the dude ate and calmed down. I was doing better. Am doing better. We talked about his screeching, what she does when he has tantrums, what we do here, the behaviorist, etc. My attack is over, but I have a call in to my OB, and failing that I can call my psychiatrist back for an appointment. The first available one was in three weeks, or when the behaviorist was here. Not a great choice, that.

So I'm in a spot: is it worse to take the medicine that will keep me from acting like this, or is it worse to have the anxiety attacks? Because really, I just want to do what's best for the baby. It wasn't like this with E, and I'm afraid my current anxiety is going to cause this baby to be uptight for the rest of it's life. Which sounds extremely stupid until you're in the situation. I only have about 13 weeks left, but 13 weeks of crying and panicking every night does not seem attractive. Neither does having a newborn with seizures. I don't know what to do, which is why I employ medical doctors. When they let me know, I'll let you know.

I don't want to be like this, broken and afraid and miserable. One thing reading "It Sucked and Then I Cried" did for me was reassure me that lots of parents go through this crap. There is help. I just wish I didn't need it with the child still in the womb. I do not want anything to hurt this baby. So I feel selfish needing help, possibly drugs, to deal with life until she's out. What if the drugs hurt her? I would never forgive myself. Parenting is so full of gray areas and guilt to begin with, adding something like this is freaking unfair. Wah. WAH! Please, any deities out there, let my kids not inherit this crazy their mom has. Because it's true: It sucks and then you cry. Perfect title for parenting while dealing with mental disease.

Through all of this I've been trying to find a long-term solution to the day-care problem. The day-care problem being that I don't want to continue in this line of work forever. I don't like the hours of management, which is what I am trained in, nor do I enjoy retail, or the public in general. Making a living through sewing doesn't seem viable, so I have requested an application for the Master Gardener's program at out local extension office. If I become a Master Gardener then I might have the skills to find a job with plants after the kids are in school. Plants are quiet, they don't demand much, they are low stress and fairly stable. I love gardening, so this might be a good option for me. I want to be home with my kids until they go to school, and once they are in school be there when they get home, etc. That may or may not end up happening, but I feel better knowing I'm finding another way to bring income home. The future is hazy, and we don't always get what we want. That's fine. I'd rather be a good parent and work outside the home than a lousy parent that's always around.

Wow~mind crap dump post. If you've made it this far you deserve a chocolate milkshake! Thanks for listening. I really will let you know what the docs say, once I hear. I hope you never go through this particular conundrum.


HollyLynne said...

Those are some seriously tough calls you're going to have to make. It DOES suck.
On the upside . . . the gardening idea sounds awesome! I hope you get into that program!

Anonymous said...

All will be better soon, you are the tough person.
Grow green and follow the nature path......
The Little Plant
In the heart of a seed,
Buried deep so deep,
A tiny plant
Lay fast asleep.
"Wake," said the sunshine,
"And creep to the light."
"Wake," said the voice
Of the raindrops bright.
The little plant heard
And it rose to see,
What the wonderful,
Outside world might be.