Thursday, July 9, 2009

Holding pattern

Last night, to the irritation of both John and myself, I spent the whole night flipping over because my back kept aching off and on. During one wake-up I had a brief thought about maybe timing the backaches, in case this was back labor or whatnot. Instead I fell back to sleep, only to wake up half an hour later with a neraly-week-overdue baby riverdancing on my bladder. Maybe it was Irish Step Dancing. I'd be damn proud either way.

Today I've spent quite a bit of time cleaning and doing laundry, since I've managed do jack shit in the house the rest of the week. It's been so nice to have time with my little girl; going out and doing neat stuff and having adventures. Today, however, I needed to stay home and get some stuff done. I haven't even come close to doing everything I'd like to, mostly because the energy and bending ability aren't there. The staying home and cleaning might be nesting. Or I could just need a day to do these things. Who knows?

The experience of sitting around waiting on labor to start has left me in an unfamiliar holding pattern. I do not like waiting. There's a Monty Python episode where the cast keeps yelling something like "Get on with it already!" I've been revisiting some very minor anxiety lately about things gone and gone again, but that keep popping up in my head at random times. I think it's just misplaced anxiety, since I'm currently stuck with no control over my situation. Tomorrow I might have some control, once I talk to the doctor and find out what's going on in my body. It seriously sucks not knowing if I'm even dilated at this point. And I do very much want to yell "Get on with it already!" I would like to start moving towards a life where I am not isolated at home all the time, and where my walls are painted, and I can have items of furniture where I'd like them, not where they are less likely to be destroyed/climbed on. I'd like to get into the lack of sleep stage, so I can get back out of it and get on with school. I don't want to wish my life away, and I am trying to enjoy these last moments with just me and E as much as possible. it's hard to remember to just enjoy, however. Being in the moment can feel like being stuck in the moment sometimes. A Groundhog Day of uncertainty, unable to plan more than a day in advance and even that's sketchy, and then nothing happening.

Hopefully, I'll either go into labor sometime in the next 12 hours or get some good news tomorrow. Being home with E today has been wonderful so far, and we're just getting ready to have lunch and take a nap. I might take her to the library for a little while this afternoon, since she's been so good. Then again, I don't really want to leave the house today, despite all I said above. That's not a normal feeling for me, so let's home it's really nesting and not just tired. If we stay home I'm going to let her do something fun, like play with air dry clay or get in the pool or whatever else sounds good. And hope that we get on with things pretty soon.


HollyLynne said...

I'm THRILLED that baby was Irish Step Dancing . . . just maybe not so much on your bladder, eh!?

HollyLynne said...

Baby? No baby? I might harass Beans to find out . . . Beans would know!