Monday, October 19, 2009

Fail and frustration, can they equal Win?

So once again time has flown. At least this time it was less than two weeks between posts! Currently we are struggling with a day care cold. One child is out with a temp of 104, but his parents were on vacation anyway. I hope we missed that window of contagion, especially with my tiny B. Those fevers are scary. So far the rest of us just have headaches, runny noses and a bit of the sore throat. E, B and I waited for two hours, in the cold, Saturday to get flu shots for those of us over 6 months old. It sucked, but it's done. Now we are ill-ish. Things could be worse, though, and John made us some awesome Indian food last night to get our blood moving. After dinner my lungs cleared out with that good spicy-food-hack that means so much to me. My lungs are much better!

B is doing great, by the way. As is E. I have some fun pictures of our trip to the pumpkin patch this weekend, but in order to post them I need to get on the other computer, which is tough these days. John is on it all the time for school, and I can't leave the kids unattended, even during naptime thank you two year old boys, to hop on and upload pics. I'm going to try tonight while John's at class. So the next post might be all photos. You wouldn't mind that, would you?

Speaking of photos, John mentioned today that he forgot to take a class. I don't know how that happens. Anyway, this means I might not get to take my first photography class next quarter. On one hand, there's no rush, I was planning on taking one class a quarter until John's finished with his degree. Maybe less, depending on how life's going. On the other hand, I was really looking forward to this class, and having it help me get through the horrible winter months. A distraction, if you like. It would be something to do, and also a step towards a new job once this one if done. I'm going to beat this one until the current kids are in school, at least in the most likely scenario. But I'd like to take a few steps towards that new, potty-training-free life. I'm looking at a way to pay for most of the class myself, if not all of it. I also need to save up for Christmas, because I want to spoil my hard working husband. Kid's gifts come out of the family account, but we pay for the other person's gifts ourselves. So using my personal funds for class is out. I'm going to set up an account through a website my mom told me about and take Christmas pics of the kids and try to sell them to their parents. No idea if this will work or not, but hell, it's worth a try. I really want to take that class.

That's been the over-riding thought in my mind these days-free. I love my kids, and love the kids I watch. I really do. However, they are small, and underfoot. I would love to enjoy the fact that I now move slowly through my days, but I don't. The days still rush by, I just get less done and I have more to do. I am never free of the arguing. I am never free to go where I want when I want. Even a day trip is difficult, let alone a weekend away. I am always addressing the needs of someone, usually a demanding someone, who wants food to go in or to clean up the stuff that comes out. I feel like all my time is spent cleaning, and it's a Sisyphean effort. John tries to help, but 1) he's in school; 2) he's not the best at housekeeping; 3) I'm not the best at telling how best to help. While I love what I do a lot of the time, I also feel trapped by it. I adore my children, but I want a week to myself at this point. Not likely while breast feeding. John has talked about having another baby someday, and while I love the baby cute and pudgy, smiling and adorable right now, I know what's coming. I know the tantrums, the fits, the hurts and heartbreaks. I know what pregnancy is like, and nursing, and birth. All wonderful, and hard. I also know what losing a baby is like. I've lost three. I don't know if I'm up to handling that again, either. My friend once told me that being a parent is the hardest thing you'll ever do, and also the best. It's true, so very true. But now the kids are getting up, and I'm needed back in the fray. Hopefully I'll see you sooner as opposed to later!

2 comments:

HollyLynne said...

Can't wait for those pumpkin patch pics! Tell John to stop hogging the computer! :D

Domesticrazy said...

OMFG ~ CONGRATS!!

I actually cried. I am so excited for you! My damn laptop won't let me comment on your site right now ( I think it has a ITD-like a std but stupider) so I have to work on that. Anyway, YAY!! And the boobs get less painful, and the morning sickness will be gone soon with any luck. However, if you breastfeed, the boobs will go from big to pr0n star big. They get their own zip code!

You are in for SUCH a ride! Hooray!