Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Positive and negative

So many people try to keep their blogs positive. It's a life-affirming space, a safe place, etc. I spend every day, all day, trying to be that way in the real world. This is my let it all hang out space, my safe place of negativity. When I hurt, I let it out here. When I'm tired, frustrated, depressed, alone, angry and resentful I come here and spew all the things I can't let out into real life.

My husband slept on the couch for the first time in our relationship last night. He said something I couldn't respond to. I'm in the uncomfortable spot of having nothing to say to him. My best friend. I want to call him up and bitch about him to him. That doesn't work. I am so totally fucked. I don't know what to do, I don't know what to say, I am wandering around here keeping it together for the kids but hurting. I am so hurt. I feel like I was cut deeply and am just getting over the shock of getting cut, and noticing that the wound is a nasty one.

My friend suggested therapy for us. I don't know. Therapy helps, but it is also very hard. John will probably say we don't need it. I don't know if we do or don't, I just know I'm feeling too tired for hard, or fighting, or much of anything right now. I want to be left alone to figure this out.

Is there a moment, do you think, when everything turns? Can a relationship survive if time passes between the break and the fix? Do you think things just wear down gradually over time, and you finally notice? Or did you know all along but denied it? I'm hoping this is a fight blown all out of proportion and I'm being dramatic. Let's all hope that.

Bleh.

Monday, June 27, 2011

Well, that was awkward.

I think I might want that to be my epitaph.

I'm not sure, though. It's how I feel most of the time.

It always seems awkward.

Talking with other people; relationships of all sorts. To top it off, I think I had a small epiphany tonight. It wasn't a comfortable realization, this. They never are. Good sometimes, bad sometimes. Change is hard on every front, and to an extent, relationships are always changing. So are our perceptions.

Awkward as these things are, they are worth it. I'm learning that. I'm also learning about about who I am and what I do. I feel like I'm waking up and starting to appreciate what's here. I'm also starting to see some things for what they are, and not all of them are pretty. It's OK, though.

:::::

I am alone most of the time. Well, alone in a sea of children. I have no one to talk to most of the day, and I love the little ones, but they fight me some days. On everything. It's 6 to 1. I have maybe three adults I talk to in a day, more than basic child info and small talk. Maybe. One is my mother, another is my husband. Two are friends. Oh, thank you friends. Whatever holy wonderful thing is out there, I know you because of friends. I would be so lost without you, and I never get to say that to you. When I try, it gets so awkward. (See how I brought that back right there?) But I really,really am so alone most of the time, but without all the silence and free time that implies. Just mentally alone. Usually I do just fine, but sometimes it sucks, like all things do. And then there are days like today, which are wonderful.

And then they end with fights and someone not knowing what to say or do. There is nothing to say, or do, really. You suddenly know where you stand, and it's a world away from where you thought. And all you can really do is go to bed and get up tomorrow and keep going until the words finally come and you know what to do. In the absence of words and direction inertia will suffice.

Monday, June 20, 2011

Over a year. What?

Oh, my.

The kids got big.

The world has changed.

I have purposefully and then forgetfully neglected this blog, and there are no promises that I'll keep it up after this. I'd like to, but there are only so many hours in a day, you know?

Let's get you up to date:
  • E did great at Karate. Then they changed the times and ages so we had to pull her out. We are now trying to get her back in at the dojo we liked. We'll see?
  • B will be 2 in 3 weeks.
  • Her nickname is Tiny Tyrant.
  • E is the best big sister I've ever met. She is worshiped by B, and loves her little sister dearly.
  • E also entered Kindergarten a year early. She took the test, blew us away, and was the first child this particular school system let in early. We are still reeling.
  • All in all the school year went well. It wasn't without bumps, but E did a great job and is ready for 1st grade.
  • I now sell Mary Kay. It's been a very...interesting experience. I enjoy it, but not so much the God part.


Kids are up, I must go. This is life as we know it!