Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Positive and negative

So many people try to keep their blogs positive. It's a life-affirming space, a safe place, etc. I spend every day, all day, trying to be that way in the real world. This is my let it all hang out space, my safe place of negativity. When I hurt, I let it out here. When I'm tired, frustrated, depressed, alone, angry and resentful I come here and spew all the things I can't let out into real life.

My husband slept on the couch for the first time in our relationship last night. He said something I couldn't respond to. I'm in the uncomfortable spot of having nothing to say to him. My best friend. I want to call him up and bitch about him to him. That doesn't work. I am so totally fucked. I don't know what to do, I don't know what to say, I am wandering around here keeping it together for the kids but hurting. I am so hurt. I feel like I was cut deeply and am just getting over the shock of getting cut, and noticing that the wound is a nasty one.

My friend suggested therapy for us. I don't know. Therapy helps, but it is also very hard. John will probably say we don't need it. I don't know if we do or don't, I just know I'm feeling too tired for hard, or fighting, or much of anything right now. I want to be left alone to figure this out.

Is there a moment, do you think, when everything turns? Can a relationship survive if time passes between the break and the fix? Do you think things just wear down gradually over time, and you finally notice? Or did you know all along but denied it? I'm hoping this is a fight blown all out of proportion and I'm being dramatic. Let's all hope that.

Bleh.

177 comments:

Karenina said...

It's okay to be tired. It's okay to think these thoughts. Thinking them or even saying them out loud is okay, and doesn't mean necessarily that it is the end of your marriage. And it is okay to feel this way for a little while, and it won't hurt J. or you to spend some time separately processing your feelings so that you both move to the next place. If you need a place to spend the night, I have a nice bed in a quiet room with a very pretty new comforter with iris flowers on it. Love you bunches. Call me if you need me.

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noncon said...

If both people in a relationship want it to survive, then it can.

Therapy did me a world of good, and only took about 3 years.

Lightdancer said...

I think these times are common in ALL relationships....sometimes that is the benefit of having taken vows in marriage ceremony...sometimes going back and remembering that vow is all that has held my 11 year marriage together. Like anything in life, relationships are cyclic and if you hold on long enough, words are said, wounds are healed but only with communication. Hang in there dear.

Oírme said...

I like this blog. You are so insightful and honest!

HollyLynne said...

I thought to check my google reader for the first time in EONS! I'm sorry I didn't find you in better spirits though :(

I don't think you're doomed if you don't want to be. Maybe you aren't even doomed if you DO want to be.

Looking at the post before this (and being able to empathize on some level now, whereas 2 years ago I know now I probably wasn't really able), I think you might be burned out.

Shortly after I went back to work I hit a wall and had a big old sit down conversation w/ my husband about how things weren't going to work out between us unless x, y and z changed. I felt very much at the time that it was a RELATIONSHIP issue, when I think in retrospect it was more that I was just so fucking tired.

Being a mom is tough. It has to be tougher with two. It must be infinitely tough w/ 6, most of whom aren't even yours.

Be nice to yourself. Spend some time alone, to the extent possible (I know, I know). I think things might be clearer if you got a little rest somehow.

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Deej Phelange said...

I was just browsing blogs and stumbled on yours. I read about how for the first time you slept alone.
I am sorry you are going through a rough patch.
This is normal though and no one tells us that. I say try dong this. Do not bitch out your husband, but, ask him what is happening instead. And I would find that change is what you need. Start doing things that you have wanted to do together and never really thought of doing. Surprise him. Take the kids to an over friends or Grandma's and trun your home into a romantic get away. Make him a nice meal, make your bed room into a romantic get away. You both just need to remember what brought you together in the first place. It is all very normal. Good luck. I hope everything works out for you

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