Monday, June 27, 2011

Well, that was awkward.

I think I might want that to be my epitaph.

I'm not sure, though. It's how I feel most of the time.

It always seems awkward.

Talking with other people; relationships of all sorts. To top it off, I think I had a small epiphany tonight. It wasn't a comfortable realization, this. They never are. Good sometimes, bad sometimes. Change is hard on every front, and to an extent, relationships are always changing. So are our perceptions.

Awkward as these things are, they are worth it. I'm learning that. I'm also learning about about who I am and what I do. I feel like I'm waking up and starting to appreciate what's here. I'm also starting to see some things for what they are, and not all of them are pretty. It's OK, though.

:::::

I am alone most of the time. Well, alone in a sea of children. I have no one to talk to most of the day, and I love the little ones, but they fight me some days. On everything. It's 6 to 1. I have maybe three adults I talk to in a day, more than basic child info and small talk. Maybe. One is my mother, another is my husband. Two are friends. Oh, thank you friends. Whatever holy wonderful thing is out there, I know you because of friends. I would be so lost without you, and I never get to say that to you. When I try, it gets so awkward. (See how I brought that back right there?) But I really,really am so alone most of the time, but without all the silence and free time that implies. Just mentally alone. Usually I do just fine, but sometimes it sucks, like all things do. And then there are days like today, which are wonderful.

And then they end with fights and someone not knowing what to say or do. There is nothing to say, or do, really. You suddenly know where you stand, and it's a world away from where you thought. And all you can really do is go to bed and get up tomorrow and keep going until the words finally come and you know what to do. In the absence of words and direction inertia will suffice.

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