Domesticrazy

Positive and negative

2011-06-28T12:45:00.002-04:00

So many people try to keep their blogs positive. It's a life-affirming space, a safe place, etc. I spend every day, all day, trying to be that way in the real world. This is my let it all hang out space, my safe place of negativity. When I hurt, I let it out here. When I'm tired, frustrated, depressed, alone, angry and resentful I come here and spew all the things I can't let out into real life.

My husband slept on the couch for the first time in our relationship last night. He said something I couldn't respond to. I'm in the uncomfortable spot of having nothing to say to him. My best friend. I want to call him up and bitch about him to him. That doesn't work. I am so totally fucked. I don't know what to do, I don't know what to say, I am wandering around here keeping it together for the kids but hurting. I am so hurt. I feel like I was cut deeply and am just getting over the shock of getting cut, and noticing that the wound is a nasty one.

My friend suggested therapy for us. I don't know. Therapy helps, but it is also very hard. John will probably say we don't need it. I don't know if we do or don't, I just know I'm feeling too tired for hard, or fighting, or much of anything right now. I want to be left alone to figure this out.

Is there a moment, do you think, when everything turns? Can a relationship survive if time passes between the break and the fix? Do you think things just wear down gradually over time, and you finally notice? Or did you know all along but denied it? I'm hoping this is a fight blown all out of proportion and I'm being dramatic. Let's all hope that.

Bleh.

Well, that was awkward.

2011-06-27T22:46:00.004-04:00

I think I might want that to be my epitaph.

I'm not sure, though. It's how I feel most of the time.

It always seems awkward.

Talking with other people; relationships of all sorts. To top it off, I think I had a small epiphany tonight. It wasn't a comfortable realization, this. They never are. Good sometimes, bad sometimes. Change is hard on every front, and to an extent, relationships are always changing. So are our perceptions.

Awkward as these things are, they are worth it. I'm learning that. I'm also learning about about who I am and what I do. I feel like I'm waking up and starting to appreciate what's here. I'm also starting to see some things for what they are, and not all of them are pretty. It's OK, though.

:::::

I am alone most of the time. Well, alone in a sea of children. I have no one to talk to most of the day, and I love the little ones, but they fight me some days. On everything. It's 6 to 1. I have maybe three adults I talk to in a day, more than basic child info and small talk. Maybe. One is my mother, another is my husband. Two are friends. Oh, thank you friends. Whatever holy wonderful thing is out there, I know you because of friends. I would be so lost without you, and I never get to say that to you. When I try, it gets so awkward. (See how I brought that back right there?) But I really,really am so alone most of the time, but without all the silence and free time that implies. Just mentally alone. Usually I do just fine, but sometimes it sucks, like all things do. And then there are days like today, which are wonderful.

And then they end with fights and someone not knowing what to say or do. There is nothing to say, or do, really. You suddenly know where you stand, and it's a world away from where you thought. And all you can really do is go to bed and get up tomorrow and keep going until the words finally come and you know what to do. In the absence of words and direction inertia will suffice.

Over a year. What?

2011-06-20T14:44:00.003-04:00

Oh, my.

The kids got big.

The world has changed.

I have purposefully and then forgetfully neglected this blog, and there are no promises that I'll keep it up after this. I'd like to, but there are only so many hours in a day, you know?

Let's get you up to date:

E did great at Karate. Then they changed the times and ages so we had to pull her out. We are now trying to get her back in at the dojo we liked. We'll see?
B will be 2 in 3 weeks.
Her nickname is Tiny Tyrant.
E is the best big sister I've ever met. She is worshiped by B, and loves her little sister dearly.
E also entered Kindergarten a year early. She took the test, blew us away, and was the first child this particular school system let in early. We are still reeling.
All in all the school year went well. It wasn't without bumps, but E did a great job and is ready for 1st grade.

I now sell Mary Kay. It's been a very...interesting experience. I enjoy it, but not so much the God part.

Kids are up, I must go. This is life as we know it!

And....cut!

2010-05-29T00:14:00.003-04:00

I'd put this under Friday Night Follies, but technically it's now Saturday.

Hi!

It's been a fucking week.

The shingles is mostly over. The E is doing well, she had her first karate class tonight. It was wicked awesome. She looked adorable in her karate uniform, slithering down the mat like a snake. (Note to all parents: teach your child how to do push-ups before their first karate class, otherwise they do something that looks like humping the mat.) She had fun, she might learn some good skills like self discipline and confidence from these classes, and we are maybe giving her some useful skills.

I don't know-this just seems like a better skill for her to have than gymnastics or ballet. Perhaps it's a feminist thing, or maybe a practical one. Ballet is hell on your feet, as is ice skating on your (so much!) body, and gymnastics on your self image. Karate teaches you how to kick ass and the discipline not to. It seems like a good fit. Meh, we'll see?

B: gets tunes in her ears soon. Is walking holding on to one of my hands. Is trying very hard to talk while hearing us through fluid in both ears. We're guessing three weeks after tubes for complete sentences.

I'm tired. John's tired. He's the ass able to sleep however, and I'm the one up after midnight stupidly blathering away on my unread blog. In unrelated news, I switched out my nose stud for my super cool skull one a week ago or so, and switched it back the other night because the skull one hurts, apparently. These little details are the things no one needs to think about during their day.

Tomorrow I have an appointment for a half hour massage, a hydrotherapy tub, and a cut and style at my favorite salon. Courtesy of the husband for my birthday/mother's day. My hair is currently just past my shoulders. Usually in a ponytail. Super. Hot.

I'm going for a drastic hair change. If nothing else, I'm going for several hours on my own. Say it with me here: HELL YES MOTHER FUCKERS!!!

Maybe I need to get out more often.

A bad name

2010-05-25T21:32:00.003-04:00

Monday was the day of doctors, BMV and condescending old men. The ENT has scheduled B to get tubes on Wednesday of next week. She has a cold right now and is also teething, so I am crossing every body part I can manage that she doesn't get an ear infection in the meantime, which would screw everything up. I'm also taking next Thursday off, because the day after the surgery kids usually get a bit weirded out because everything is suddenly so loud.

I'm happy she's getting tubes because she'll feel better and hear better. I'm glad we live in a place where this is available. I'm glad she's OK.

After the ENT John took off to record a voice-over for Air Heads candy. Be on the lookout for a commercial on TV with a tie-in to a movie. He's the voice of the announcer on the commercial. It's his first national gig, and I am damn proud of my dude! My mom came over to help me out and ended up taking me and the girls to lunch. It was an AWESOME lunch! Then she took me to the ophthalmologist. He was a dick. A condescending pompous self important full of shit dick. I am calling his office tomorrow to tell his staff exactly that, and how much I loved the rest of the staff. That guy gives doctors a bad name, and I have dealt with enough of those doctors to no longer put up with their behavior. So I went home yesterday and looked at these faces, and I felt better.

After that I needed to go get my tags renewed and run some errands, but the shingles knocked me out instead. We got my Mom a power of attorney and she went to the BMV for me, while I went to sleep. I keep forgetting that this isn't just a rash-my body is fighting off a serious virus and needs to heal. Most people are knocked on their asses for a week at least with this. I was back at work today, albeit with a LOT of help from a wonderful friend and another couple of hours of help from my mom. I am one lucky lady!

But that doctor was still a dick. G'night!

I hesitate to say I'm back...

2010-05-23T12:07:00.004-04:00

Oh my fucking christ it's been a couple of months.

Right now my left eye is swelled shut thanks to shingles and my body's inability to fight that particular virus. I've had shingles round about 200 times at this point, starting in high school and culminating in right fucking now and I need to go see a mother-humping eye DOCTOR tomorrow to make sure I don't have any damage to my cornea because apparently I can go blind. From shingles in my eye. Dammit.

B has had one ear infection after another for over two months and sees the ENT bright and early tomorrow morning. She'll be getting tubes at 10 months. At this point, after having not slept and having dealt with the angriest baby on the planet for two whole glorious months, I say bring on the damn tubes! Let the baby feel better! Poor kid's last round of drugs ended badly-amoxicillian (or however the fuck you spell it) gives little ones a "yeasty rash." Her head hurts, her teeth are coming in, and her ass and little bits are itchy as hell. Baby needs a break, ya'll!

To top off the fun, E has decided to act out. We thought she had a bladder infection due to the peeing a bit in her pants all the time. Turns out that with B's ears and ass and whatnot getting all the attention, plus my super stressful 8 week college class of doom, and the general lack of sleep all around, my first-born felt overlooked and needed some attention. Keep in mind this isn't a calculated thing-kids just do this. Class is over as of noon today, and my little one is going to get lots of mommy time, since Mommy is supposed to rest and sleep and take it easy. (Note to other Moms: HA! also ha! hahahah, and what? does that ever happen after birth?) On the plus side, I have good drugs for the pain. Speaking of which, Imma go take some of those now.

I'll let you know how the Monday of Doctors and Woe goes.

Time? What?

2010-04-08T13:57:00.005-04:00

Here are some images from my final project last quarter. The theme was age.

This is my bouquet from my wedding. Luckily the marriage has aged far better than the flowers.

Great, great grandmother's wedding china. Dude.

Antique store! Lurve you for saving my ass.

These two are from my family. They are old, that is all I know.

The picture below was in the antique store. The tag "Adopt a relative" cracked me up!

I have written so, so many posts in my head. They never seem to get here, though, and for that I apologize. The last few weeks have been rough in a new kind of rough way. It's been manageable. It has not, however, been pretty.

First, there was poopaggedeon. Or Poopacolypse. For two weeks the youngest three, the three that were potty training and also picking their noses and eating it (the gross just gets exponential there, doesn't it?) had the massive, explosive poops. It was horrible, and they weren't here through most of it. I have used ab entire bottle of bleach, almost.

Second, my eldest lost her fucking mind. I do not remember much about being 4, but I have seen a bit of it. At some point they go fucking insane. This has been happened, and we are mostly through it. I was extraordinarily relieved to find out she has not been screaming/hitting/scratching/ignoring etc etc etc at school. It sucks. I love her so much, though. Funny how that doesn't change a bit no matter how they're acting.Third, ear infections. We are on the second in just over two weeks. Combine that with a cold and teething, and my life is loud. My ears are ringing most of the day, the baby will not let me put her down or out of her sight, and the sleeping is not so much. I've said it before and I'll say it again-fuck you, teeth. You suck. I hate you.
Bright side: B is crawling, eating O's, playing peek-a-boo, singing, etc. She is a wonder and a joy. She has great lungs. I might be exhausted, but my kids are healthy and happy. Even the day care ones. Now. The poopening is over, the ear infections and teething will pass, and it'll all be OK. I'll sleep someday. After this short quarter is over, most likely. I'm not going to take an 8 weeks class again if I can help it. I am in serious shit here, trying to get my assignments done and still keep everything else together.

We booked our cabin for vacation sometime in the last few weeks. I am really, really excited for a vacation this year. Woo!

Fin.

More kid photos

2010-03-04T18:04:00.004-05:00

Hey there spawn fans!

Things here are going well. E is at her Grandma's tonight, and B is currently nursing and dozing on my lap. John is working late, again, so I have a couple minutes to hang out and post some pics. I was really happy with how a few of my portrait project shots turned out:

And that's all I've got for you tonight. I'm very hungry, so I'm going to try to address that.

You wanna see the babies?

2010-02-23T13:37:00.004-05:00

Not babies. Prayer Flags in the wind. I like this one a lot. But! On to babies:

E throwing a duck for one of my photography projects. School is going well, but it's really keeping me busy. Guess why I haven't been blogging. Go ahead, guess! You're right, it's school, business and being a Mom to two kids. Blog was the weak point.

Holy crap, my baby is 7 months old. Which means that someone I know has been pregnant for as long as I have had a baby. The baby, by the way, has one tooth. She is also teething. She is crawling on her knee and foot, and says "hat, daddy, cat, (my name)" and something that sounds like her sister's name but isn't quite intelligible yet. Oh, and "hair." Her sister is reading. She up and started that last weekend, and has been reading everything she can get her hands on. It's incredible!

Here is the baby painted up like Charlie Chaplin. I was having fun with blueberries.

Aside from the wonders of being cooped up inside while the midwest vomits snow and gray upon us, things are giong OK. We're busy with me in school, etc etc etc. I'm loving my photography class. E is loving her ballet class. John is loving his writing class and B is loving everything. This age makes me want more babies. Then again...I'd like to have my body back to being mine for a bit. We'll see.

E has been diagnosed with asthma, which is something we are all adjusting to. It's not severe, but she's taking medicine every day for it, plus she has a rescue inhaler. We see the doctor next week to find out more about it. Hopefully she'll be able to get off the steroid inhaler-it's not great for her and makes her a little nuts at times. I want her to be able to breathe, though. I'm looking forward to getting a little more information on the subject-my mom took her in when I thought it was just a tough cold and got the initial diagnosis. I have a lot of questions. Hopefully we'll get some reassuring answers!

I now have glasses. I had no idea how much of the world I was missing!

That's it for now. I'd say see you soon, or I'm back, or something to that effect but I don't know how often I'll get the chance to write. I hope it'll be sooner rather than later, but life is funny sometimes. I hope you're all doing well, and may your spring come soon!

WTF?

2010-01-19T22:26:00.002-05:00

My last post was right before Thanksgiving.
"What happened?" you may very well ask, and I, dear reader, will answer.

The fucking flu/stomach flu/sleepless apocalypse happened. It kind of happened like this:

We got the flu.
Holidays.
We got the stomach flu.
B stopped sleeping. Up every 40 to 120 minutes, every night, all night.
More flu.
Holidays.
Less sleep.
We trudged about bumping into things.

We started a little sleep training with B last week, however, and now we are all sleeping. Which means that I can blog, do my homework and think. All of which have been suffering dreadfully lately. Sadly, however, I need to go to bed now. Talk to you soon?

From articulate to "NO!" in less than 24 hours

2009-11-25T15:14:00.003-05:00

Yeah, that post in drafts? Still there. My free time is somewhere in Amsterdam right now having a swell time without me. But! I do have things to share.

Yesterday was my very first parent teacher conference! I say "my" because John couldn't make it. It's the end of the month during the busiest month of the year for title insurance, and he just couldn't skip out. So I went to face the music solo. I was excited, but also nervous. What if she was mean? Or picked on? Or pushy? Or a pushover? So much to worry about, and she's only four!

It turns out that I had very little to worry about. She is the most articulate student her teacher has ever had (what?) and she is a model for including others. Yay! She does cry or hover over people when they have something she wants, but that is apparently getting better. 99.5% great, and I will take it.

Then today happened. My girl has managed to wear herself out, and spent today yelling "NO!" and "I don't WANT TO!" and the like. She took a nap. I was ready to sit on her to get her to sleep, but she did it herself. That's saying a lot for a girl who detests sleep. She's a much pleasanter little munchkin right now.

B is rocking right now, too. She's 18.5 pounds, 26 inches long, teething like a bear and cute as a button! She's slowly starting to grow hair, which is coming in reddish, so she might be a red head like her sister. We're still not sleeping through the night, but that's OK.

I wish I could write more, but my attention is being demanded. I hope you have a great Tofurkey Day, and Holly Lynn, you enjoy those eats. They will never taste better!

Crap

2009-11-20T17:32:00.001-05:00

It's been so looooong!

I'm still here, just hanging on by my fingernails. I have a post in drafts to finish up, you'll get it soon.
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

They eat time like candy

2009-10-28T13:55:00.002-04:00

Having two kids is kind of like living in a black hole that absorbs time instead of light. I love them both more than life, but Mama needs to take a bath. A long one. In solitude and silence. Please.

As I type this B is sitting in her chair next to me grabbing toys and trying to get them in her mouth. And smiling. Scratch that, she's SMILING! There is nothing little about her smile. It's huge and gummy and adorable. It gets me through my day. Literally. Thank heaven for little girls that eat faces and grab hair and roll over occasionally. And that squeal when happy. YAY!

Tonight I have physical therapy, then I'm going to sign up for my first photography class. Then I'm going to haul ass on E's Halloween costume, because we are days away, and it is not finished. I overestimate the time I have on any given day by 75%, so I need to get some serious work done. Haven't even thought about my costume yet. If nothing else I'll use last year's and just paint my face to be dead. That always works!

I love baby yawns. Just thought I'd throw that in.

In surprising news, it seems that E can read. Holy shit. Once that clicked, it clicked! She's now writing letter combinations and sounding them out. It's been lots of fun for all of us. I may have no time, but I have a lot of fun!

Shredded

2009-10-21T22:29:00.002-04:00

You can file this under "it figures:"

I went to physical therapy tonight and was given a thorough once-over. I was put in traction for a little bit after some ultra-sound therapy and a deep heating treatment. I was advised not to "bounce, jump, use weights or arm motions up or in front of my body." That pretty much kills 30 Day Shred for right now, eh? With any luck this should only last a week or two, and then I'll be back on track. But still, dammit. I was psyched, I was ready, I was committed. So instead of busting my ass with Jillian tonight, I walked away my pounds with Leslie. I've been hanging out with Leslie on and off for about six years now, and I can repeat the workout with her. I despise it. It's better than nothing, though. Annoying, but beats a brick to the head. I'm hoping my PT works very quickly.

This can be filed under "unexpected:"

John has decided to take a break from classes next quarter, which means I'll be taking my photo class with no problem. He's stressed, tired and needs a break apparently. I'm worried that he'll just quit school, but I also agree that his class load is too much this quarter, and that he is tiredm, stressed and needs a break. Adding to the stress is the fact that almost all the classes are online and our computer really wants to shit the bed right now. It's running terribly slow, it runs its fan all the damn time, and you can hear it wheezing in its old age every time John tries to load his GIS stuff. He just walked by and told me that he is "so OK with this!" so I guess he's looking forward to some time off.

Not to be filed:

My poor, old cat is wheezing. She has asthma (apparently) and the thing I use to give her her medicine is broken. I have not been able to make it to the vet this week to get her stuff made into a liquid with a new dispenser, so she sounds horrible. This cat is somewhere around 15 or so, is my cat and loves me. She really loves me. She picked me, sleeps on me, follows me around and talks to me. Therefore I feel very guilty that she is so wheezy, since I am her person and responsible for her. Tomorrow I WILL make it to the vet and get her steroids. The wheeze will stop and my kitty will feel better. Poor kitty!

And for those of you who have read this far: B rolled over today! W00t!!

30 Day Shred challenge and The Invasion

2009-10-20T21:57:00.003-04:00

One: If you read Indie HomeEc, go there now. If not, your loss. Yay!

Two: I am going to do something really stupid for 30 days. Can you guess what it is? Yes?! You are bright people. I am going to kill myself by working out to 30 Day Shred for 30 days. I started tonight. Here are the basics:

I will do 30 Day Shred for 30 days. Those will not be consecutive days; I have a baby, people. But as close to consecutive as possible. Fridays are optional. It's my freaking night off. My. Only. One.
I am starting at level 1, with no weights. We will see about weights after I talk to the physical therapist tomorrow. I am trying to get healthier, not cause myself more pain. However, if it's OK's, I will start using weights. I'll see how much they weigh once we get there. (Can't remember, too lazy to get up after working out.)
I will move up levels, etc, once I can do level 1 with weights and without feeling like I am going to die. This leads to...
I need to get my inhaler back. That exercise induced asthma sucks ass. Doctor was supposed to write me a script for one last time I was in, but forgot. Not sure how to proceed on that one. Dammit.
I am not changing my eating habits one damn bit. Fuck you, Jillian Anderson and your skinny ass. Wait! I actually love you! But I am still going to eat what I want when I want. Let's see you make me lose weight on those terms, eh lady?
By this time tomorrow all you will hear from me is "ow ow ow ow ow ow."
I'm going to list my stats here for all to see and lament. I mean, you will feel better about yourselves! Because my stats are sad. But! If they are public, then I will be more motivated to continue. *sigh*
I loves me some bulleted lists!

Stats, Day One:

Weight: 176.5
Bust: 43"
Waist: Check back next time. Too lazy to find tape measure.
Hips: 43" ish. *See previous line.
Feeling about myself naked in the mirror: Wah + 2 kids + oh dear god, this is sad.

Revealing look, isn't it?

Finally, THE INVASION...

Every year we get hit with what those of us 'round these parts affectionately refer to as "The Ladybug Invasion." It is also known as "Those Fucking Ladybugs" and "That Time of Year When It's Fun To Watch People Walk Outside Because Of The Dancing and Spitting." Thousands of ladybugs fly past our area this time of year, for some unknown reason. I've never seen anything like it. They get into your house every time you open your door, and even when you don't. They are everywhere. It's as cool as it is awful. Today I took the kids outside and spent a fair amount of time rescuing ladybugs from a cruel squishing fate, brushing them off myself and the baby, and getting them out of hair. It was 72 outside, though, so we needed to be out. There are maybe 10 days like this left this year, then we are stuck inside and miserable. Bugs or no bugs, we were going to get some fresh air and sunshine. I'll let you know if any other cool invasion stuff happens.

Right now, however, I'm going to go upstairs and go to sleep. John's stuck on a long, stupid assignment for a three credit class and is pretty severely pissed off that he's already been working on this thing for 1.5 hours and it is less than half finished. For a stupid 3 credit class. He hates them with a Golem-level hate. Poor guy. The 3 credit classes are always the ones that have the most assignments, and the most time consuming busy work. I, however, need my sleep. So I'm going to kiss the dude and call it a night. I have shredding to do tomorrow, and lots of "ows" to get ready for!

Fail and frustration, can they equal Win?

2009-10-19T13:23:00.002-04:00

So once again time has flown. At least this time it was less than two weeks between posts! Currently we are struggling with a day care cold. One child is out with a temp of 104, but his parents were on vacation anyway. I hope we missed that window of contagion, especially with my tiny B. Those fevers are scary. So far the rest of us just have headaches, runny noses and a bit of the sore throat. E, B and I waited for two hours, in the cold, Saturday to get flu shots for those of us over 6 months old. It sucked, but it's done. Now we are ill-ish. Things could be worse, though, and John made us some awesome Indian food last night to get our blood moving. After dinner my lungs cleared out with that good spicy-food-hack that means so much to me. My lungs are much better!

B is doing great, by the way. As is E. I have some fun pictures of our trip to the pumpkin patch this weekend, but in order to post them I need to get on the other computer, which is tough these days. John is on it all the time for school, and I can't leave the kids unattended, even during naptime thank you two year old boys, to hop on and upload pics. I'm going to try tonight while John's at class. So the next post might be all photos. You wouldn't mind that, would you?

Speaking of photos, John mentioned today that he forgot to take a class. I don't know how that happens. Anyway, this means I might not get to take my first photography class next quarter. On one hand, there's no rush, I was planning on taking one class a quarter until John's finished with his degree. Maybe less, depending on how life's going. On the other hand, I was really looking forward to this class, and having it help me get through the horrible winter months. A distraction, if you like. It would be something to do, and also a step towards a new job once this one if done. I'm going to beat this one until the current kids are in school, at least in the most likely scenario. But I'd like to take a few steps towards that new, potty-training-free life. I'm looking at a way to pay for most of the class myself, if not all of it. I also need to save up for Christmas, because I want to spoil my hard working husband. Kid's gifts come out of the family account, but we pay for the other person's gifts ourselves. So using my personal funds for class is out. I'm going to set up an account through a website my mom told me about and take Christmas pics of the kids and try to sell them to their parents. No idea if this will work or not, but hell, it's worth a try. I really want to take that class.

That's been the over-riding thought in my mind these days-free. I love my kids, and love the kids I watch. I really do. However, they are small, and underfoot. I would love to enjoy the fact that I now move slowly through my days, but I don't. The days still rush by, I just get less done and I have more to do. I am never free of the arguing. I am never free to go where I want when I want. Even a day trip is difficult, let alone a weekend away. I am always addressing the needs of someone, usually a demanding someone, who wants food to go in or to clean up the stuff that comes out. I feel like all my time is spent cleaning, and it's a Sisyphean effort. John tries to help, but 1) he's in school; 2) he's not the best at housekeeping; 3) I'm not the best at telling how best to help. While I love what I do a lot of the time, I also feel trapped by it. I adore my children, but I want a week to myself at this point. Not likely while breast feeding. John has talked about having another baby someday, and while I love the baby cute and pudgy, smiling and adorable right now, I know what's coming. I know the tantrums, the fits, the hurts and heartbreaks. I know what pregnancy is like, and nursing, and birth. All wonderful, and hard. I also know what losing a baby is like. I've lost three. I don't know if I'm up to handling that again, either. My friend once told me that being a parent is the hardest thing you'll ever do, and also the best. It's true, so very true. But now the kids are getting up, and I'm needed back in the fray. Hopefully I'll see you sooner as opposed to later!

Holy Moly!

2009-10-13T13:39:00.002-04:00

I can't believe it's been this long since my last post again. Damn! Things have just busy here, especially with a baby who feels that nap time is her time with Mommy. It's OK with me, but it means you guys get neglected. Plus I've been having some computer issues that have kept me from posting: viruses and the crap. Luckily my brother-in-law was in town this weekend and he fixed us right up. He rocks!

Oddly, or not so oddly, I have been crashing really early lately. 9 is a usual time now, and that means I'm getting nothing done. I have piles of laundry in my room that are well over 5 feet tall. It's clean, but I haven't folded it. E's Halloween costume is nowhere near done, or even started. Nevermind the cleaning, etc. Bleh.

Other than the huge life-pile I am wallowing in, things are OK. We are contemplating my return to school, John's continuation of school, the holiday travel situation, and more. B is growing too fast, E is writingand starting to read, and the cats are nuts. Same old.

This post is really, really dull.

Friday night Follies

2009-09-26T02:28:00.002-04:00

I am, yet again, up too late. My ideal life lets me stay up until 2 or 3 in the morning and sleep in until around 10. Someday, baby. Someday I will get there.

So. It's been a wine kind of night. And I've been thinking about this year, and all the life that has happened.

Before E was born a family came to our sunday morning meeting place. It's a Unitarian Universalist Fellowship, which means no preacher, all religions are fine, even athiests. It's liberal religion. And damn proud of it. A former member came back with her husband and son, and gave a Service on being a mother. Mother, I mean. With the capital. It was shortly after a miscarriage and pregnancy terminated due to a lethal defect. I didn't know it a the time, but I was pregnant with E. I ended up leaving the service and going into the bathroom to lose my shit, quietly, when the speaker-the Mother-asked everyone to get together into small groups and talk about their experiences as parents. I couldn't do it.

As you can imagine, the memory sticks out. And now that woman is dying of cancer. Not dealing with, or treating. but dying of. She wrote a post a few days ago about how she only has a few months to live, and asked for any suggestions of things she leave for her kids to remember her by. She is also spending every minute she can with them.

I want to fix her. I want to help. To stop this. To give her the time to watch her children grow. To have secrets. To fall in love. To go to a dance, or to have a child. I still remember her long black braid, and her story about her son, who started kindergarten this year, finally ate a whole sweet potato. Her husband played the banjo and had a rat tail. I think. He's fuzzy.

It's just too short. And too beautiful to let go, doesn't it seem? It can also seem so cruel.

So as not to be a total downer, and giving me hope that things are still OK most of the time, here are some images from the Hubble.

And now it's time for me to go to sleep, and hope for extra sleep tomorrow.

babies, fairies and little dudes

2009-09-25T09:51:00.002-04:00

First: BABY! She's been growing. B can now grab her stuffed lion, pull it up to her face and snuggle it. Right now she is massaging the little guy with happy kitten paws, opening and closing her hands and smiling at his soft, orange mane. She has been smiling a lot lately. And talking to us. Yesterday she stopped nursing for a minute, looked up at me and said "goo." She has done this a few times, but yesterday she also smiled, then snuggled back into me and resumed her milk snack.

The differences between E and B are astounding. I thought E was an easy baby, despite the fact that I started this blog to vent my frustration that she never slept. We called her Sumara (from The Ring) and I vividly remember weeping, oh the weeping, because you couldn't lay her down. E had GERD, which is baby reflux. It sucks for babies. It kept her up all the time, and she is stubborn anyway. B, on the other hand, is like me and enjoys her rest. She is an easy, easy baby. She is already trying to roll. She doesn't squirt poop across the house every time you remove her diaper. She loves her sister and her daddy. She plays. She makes me happy even when I think my head will explode from the stress of little boys.

Second: FAIRY! E has cycled through many costume ideas. I bought a pattern for Robin Hood, and then she switched to "The King of the Crystal Kingdom." I think it has something to do with Dora. So I was going to make a crown and use the same pattern. Then, at the urging of her best buddy she switched to fairy. I did my best, but the RH pattern was not acceptable. So I bought a fairy costume pattern, which is gorgeous. I'm using my free night tonight to go get the material and some pattern tracing paper, which I keep forgetting. I need the tracing paper for a pattern from Weekend Sewing-my Halloween costume maybe. Fairies have been a big deal around here lately, so much so that we are all hoping that the Fairy Craft book I ordered comes today! I want to make fairy houses with the kids, but they are still a bit too young to get it, and the boys are destructive. Which brings me to...

Third: LITTLE DUDES! The two boys are both 2, which is a challenging age with just one child. Having a duo is killing me. One likes to do what I've just asked him not to do one more time. It can be infuriating, especially when what he's doing is dangerous. The other loves to run head first into things and take toys from everyone else. Dealing with these two has kick started my desire to return to school and find a new career. The only program from our local college that interests me and is mostly online is digital photography, but it sounds great. Plus, the certificate is all online and applies to the degree. Landscape Design is also sounding good, but isn't offered online. I don't need to decide right now. ~Just to let you know, it has taken me over two hours to type this. I need to blog at naptime. During the day means constant interruptions...silly me. I thought I could finish this while the kids were eating !~

Anyway, you might hear from me tonight, but you might not. Organizing the craft room is on the agenda after buying fabric, so I might get busy with that. In either case, have a great weekend!

by my fingernails

2009-09-23T13:33:00.003-04:00

Right now I am sitting on my couch with a nursing infant (just put her down-typing with two hands! Weeee!) and my nearly four year old, who will not for the love of God go to fucking sleep. The last couple of days here in day care and life in general have been stressful, and hectic, and did I mention the shoulder muscle? It still sucks. It's tingling right now which means Real Pain! in about an hour. My sweet, wonderful mother came by to pick up the driving aprons I made and bring the girls some shirts from their aunt and uncle, recently returned from Aruba Honeymoon. She also brought me some Chai tea, which is the only reason I am not clinging to the ceiling at this moment.

Now that the aprons are finished, and I don't even care if I get paid for them because I am so glad they are just DONE, I am going to move on to my fun sewing. There's a dress I'd like to make, a Halloween costume or two, and then some blankets for individual play for the kids. I'm happy to be moving on to some no expectation projects. I've decided that anything I am hired to do will never be good enough for me. Oh shit-I still have some curtains to do for my friend who just had her baby. Damn. This is the last time I do curtains for anyone. Ever. I hates them, I do. Ah, well. Onward, whilst keeping calm and carrying on.

Last night I took my Grandmother to an open house for a massage place. It's the lady she's been going to for years, and someone I've seen a few times. I stopped going when she put me in a shower thing that ended up being cold water (it was malfunctioning) but didn't leave me a towel, or come back for almost half an hour. That's a long time in cold water. I'll be going to the new place a few times, though, because I need to get this shoulder thing worked out. She has a few new people there, one is an acupuncturist, the other does "Quantum Touch" and Reiki. He was on about the same level as a Snake Oil salesman as far as I am concerned-I felt nothing. I might try the acupuncture, and definitely the massage. If nothing else, it'll be nice to relax a bit!

Holy crap, I think the girl's asleep!

I broke down yesterday and ordered a Fairy Craft Book from Amazon, as well as 30 Day Shred and a relaxation yoga DVD with the Dali Lama on it. He speaks on it, I mean. I'm excited to get started on both DVDs, and the book is for fun projects to do with the kids. However, ordering the workout DVDs must have had a big impact on me, because last night I dreamed I was the Dali Lama-which was a big surprise to everyone, including me. I also had a dream that I went on a trip with my Dad, E and one of the day care kids. Weird, weird. There was really no point to that entire paragraph, except that I am super geeked to get back on the workout train. My goal is 20 pounds, which is what 30 day shred promises to help me lose. I don't need to do it in 30 days-60 or 90 would be fine. I just want to go down a pants size or two, and be a bit more toned. Oh, and not have a stomach that looks like something grew to a huge size in it then came out, leaving me with a stretched and distorted paunch. You know, little things.

B is doing great! She's almost rolling over, which I took pictures of. Will post them before she goes to college, promise. She stopped nursing at one point today to say "Goo!" to me. Too damn cute!

Beck came to visit on Sunday for a bit, and brought me my quilt. It's gorgeous! Pictures of it will be up soon, too. Hopefully. If I can get out of it/off it for long enough to take those pictures.

And for my final pointless thing: I am off to order fabric catalogs. I read about one on craft gossip, which I would link to but my laptop's being a bitch and randomly re-routing sites on me. Anyway, I read about a fabric catalog, requested one, and now want more. I haven't received the first one yet, but flipping through pages and pages of fabric sounds wonderful to me. Off to explore!

Time flies!

2009-09-18T08:45:00.004-04:00

How the hell has it been over two weeks since my last post?! Oh yeah, baby in the house.

Who is doing well, has clear, smooth, kissable skin now. And who is sleeping in four hour stretches most of the time at night. Hell yeah!

Which is not to say I am not too tired to be rational. Apparently I have been composing blog posts in my head and leaving them there, which explains why I was so surprised when I saw the date of my last post. The naptime posting has been circumvented by my passing out at naptime. Or nursing. I really hate typing more than two words with one hand, so posting while nursing is not an option. To get you up to date:

Sister = married. The ceremony was gorgeous, the day was perfect, and the while thing was stressful as hell for me. The time frame was not set up to handle two children, especially one that was eight weeks old. I didn't have time to nurse or pump, but tried. Once the wedding and reception were over, I was very relieved. The best part was watching my sister and her husband dance; they looked so very happy. I cried more at her wedding than I did at my own. That's how happy I am for her! E did an awesome job as a flower girl. She was spectacular the entire weekend, and we had a great time with her.

B's face has cleared up completely, and I kiss her tons now that I'm not worried about irritating her baby skin. She is smiling, has laughed a few times, and she "talks" to her Dad a ton. I get a little conversation, but she's a Daddy's girl. John is smitten!

I have developed what appears to be a pinched nerve in my left shoulder. I've always carried my stress there, but now it radiates up my neck, down my back and my arm. It hurts like the Dickens. I am setting up a series of closely spaced massages on the area, and if that doesn't work I'm off to the doc. In the meantime John has kindly offered me some of the meds left over from his back. It took a few months, but I am ready to use them if I need to.

E has started preschool, and is LOVING it. She is doing really well as far as we can tell. She has made a friend named Charles. He is the only friend she talks about. Tuesday night she told me that he is brown all over, and that she loves his brown! I just read an article about children and race, so this has the perfect opportunity to talk to her about it. We talked about how Charles looks different, but is the same on the inside, and how much I like all the colors people can come in. She decided she did, too. I hope I handled that well-it's so hard to know how these things will work out. Honestly, though, I am very happy her first friend at school is brown all over. Mine was too, and after that I never worried about the color of my friends, because she had been such a good start.

I have a paid sewing job-I'm making driving aprons for my parents. OK, the paid job is from my parents, but I'll take it. The aprons sell for $65+ on the websites the kids use these days, and they are easy as hell. I might have a new business here. I have three projects lined up after these aprons: a kimono dress from Weekend Sewing, some small blankets for the kids to use as personal space here at the day care, and PJ pants from old sheets for gifts during the fast approaching holiday season. I plan to pair them with a shirt for PJs and maybe a sachet or a book. You know, a bedtime set.

The daycare is going well. The weather has been gorgeous, so we get outside a lot. We've been doing a lot of fun stuff, having a good time for the most part, and getting back into our groove. I think I might be able to hang with this job until I get back through school, which is a whole other post. Now I need to go clean the crap out of a kid's rear, which is my day in a nutshell. Hope you have a great weekend!

Surprises, surprises

2009-09-03T13:22:00.003-04:00

Howdy! Remember that IUD I was so very excited about? Well, it had a side effect . One that I had to call my doctor about and make sure was Not A Big Deal. She had warned me that I might spot a bit after it was implanted, and I was also warned that the process itself felt like a strong contraction.

I felt nothing, and then started bleeding. Bleeding! Not spotting, but "Oh crap!" bleeding. I was fine, but it ruined my plans for the evening. No one warned me about that possibility. BE WARNED! Do not schedule babysitting for the night you get your IUD, or you may just waste a night of babysitting. Dammit.

Then, the next day our printer died. I never realized how much we used the damn thing until it was gone. We now have a shiny new printer, that is shiny. And black. And shiny!

The weekend was a mixed bag. There's been a lot of getting ready for the wedding going on, since my sister gets married on Saturday. In Toledo. Not only do we get to take a nice long car trip, we end up by a lake! But the lake is near Toledo, so it's only 75% glamorous, instead of 90%. I'm looking forward to the festivities, seeing John in a suit (handsome man!) and dancing with my kids. I broke my toe yesterday, so the only thing I'm not looking forward to is walking in high heels, but hopefully that part will be short. I'm so happy those two are getting hitched!

E has started preschool. She was so excited the first day that she peed her pants 3 times. Luckily none of them was at school. She did a great job, and is currently on her second day. She doesn't go every day, so we've had some time to work on going to the potty no matter how excited we are. Hopefully she'll remember that at the wedding. A flower girl that smells like pee is not much fun.

Finally, the rash on my baby: it was an allergic reaction to Johnson & Johnson's Head To Toe Baby wash and Snuggle dryer sheets. We are in the process of washing everything we own, but her cheeks are cute and cuddly again. Poor kid seriously looked like we rubbed her face in gravel.

I'm off to finish hemming John's pants and to finish up the flower girl basket. Have a great weekend!

quiet moment

2009-08-25T13:32:00.002-04:00

Forgive errors in this post-I am typing while nursing B and I am not a lefty. It's slow going.

Concerning my last post: I do, in fact, have eyebrows. You just can't tell in those pictures. I'd had a bit to drink.

So far the week is going well, although at around 10 am yesterday I was ready to call someone and tell them how much I f'n hate my job. By 4 we were great, and today's been pretty good. I am letting go of a lot of things here, like making sure everyone eats most of their food. As long as food has entered their system, great. I'm not going to stress about it. Letting go is harder than I ever expected it to be, but that's true in all parts of my life.

I will be posting pictures of the baby soon, just as soon as the awful rash she has clears up. Maybe before, but the poor thing looks like a teenager on steroids. Some of it is the normal baby acne, some appears to be heat rash, maybe. I really don't know. I called the DR and no one there is concerned, so I'm trying to roll with it. I have been dressing her in much cooler clothing, and sometimes just diapers. It's not that hot here, but hell, I'm doing my best. She seems happier nearly nude. Who am I to argue?

Tomorrow I get my IUD, which is a big deal to me. I have never had great experiences with birth control for several reasons. One reason is hormones: messing with mine means meltdowns of epic proportions. My hormones can take me out of ability to function status, so I like to leave them the hell alone when I can. The second reason is my sieve-like memory, which makes the pill ineffective at best. You need to take that sucker every day. Condoms suck. My last OB recommended a spermicide for BC, which I later found out is just as effective as pulling out, but with the added benefit of foam. I am shuddering right now at the memory. So aside from the foamy spermicide after E, which was a short lived effort, I've just been lucky with John. (Pun not intended, but funny) Now I'll be protected for 10 years, able to enjoy myself, and it's hormone free. Things are looking up!

Friday Night Follies

2009-08-21T23:46:00.004-04:00

I like art.

I reaally like art.

I like faces. I love the black and white portraits of old faces and young faces and freaks.

I love how an artist can make you look at something a new way; help you see a new side to any situation.

I have had a glass or two of wine to celebrate my last Friday of maternity leave.

Can you tell?

Clever title forgotten

2009-08-20T13:42:00.003-04:00

Hi!

I missed you.

No, really. We've had an extensive adjustment period here, and things are getting ready to get back to our new normal. Which means that there's a possibility of nap-time blogging again! I hope you're excited, too.

While I was away I learned some basic crochet. OK, that was yesterday. I've also learned how to manage two kids during bath time, get nothing done and everything done at the same time, and to sweat profusely at all times. The postpartum stuff is largely over with, and yesterday I had the most important of doctor's visits. My postpartum checkup.

I am proud to tell you that I can now take a bath, go swimming, pick up E, exercise and all other activities, save one. The Big One. I can not resume "relations" for another week. There are a few reasons for this: 1) I still appear to have a few stitches. Oh, joy. 2) I am getting an IUD next week, and I am not supposed to do anything before that. I don't know why. But in one week I will be fully protected from getting knocked up again for 10 TEN! years, and for only $25. Woot!

Baby needs me, gotta run. More pics soon!

Just like that girl on the front lawn at every kegger

2009-08-03T10:18:00.002-04:00

Saturday morning our little family of four got all bold and brave and went down to Hocking Hills for a hike. We decided to hike a new site, Ash Cave. One of the reasons we picked that site was the paved path, which was supposed to make it an easy hike for the mama, who gave birth a measly three weeks ago and is still supposed to be taking it easy. Long story short, I was feeling OK and ended up going on the MUCH more difficult rim trail with the family.

I spent the following day passed out.

Now, I am under orders, just like all new moms, to take it easy with the stairs. I mentioned this fact to John when he asked me if I wanted to hike the rim trail with him and E. But the trail wasn't rated as especially difficult, and we saw lots of little kids coming down at the end, so I figured "what the heck?" I think the kids we saw went halfway and turned around, because we started at the other end, and had to detour around a large mass of fallen trees. Trees that were falling off a cliff. I'm not sure which initially exhausted me more: the hike itself or the anxiety that my family, complete with three week old strapped to her dad, would slide off the edge of the cliff. Going around the trees was the hardest part of the hike, because there was no trail and we were going up and then down a very steep incline with small children. By that point I knew I was in over my head, but had no choice but to finish. Sunday I found out that my midsection has places that are still very sore, and that stairs are nothing compared to a cliff hike. Oh, and that I am an idiot.

Ash Cave, however, was beautiful. The hike started with us getting to the site, E peeing her pants (she would have made it except for a very slow guy in the latrine) and us trying to figure out what to do. After the pee incident, however, everything went wonderfully, tree detour aside. We had a great day, did our grocery shopping on the way home, and then John got his night off and I took B for the night. We've been trading nights on the weekends for sanity's sake. That way one of us gets a good night's sleep at least once a week. Yay!

My Mother In Law is coming to visit this week. According to rumor, she should arrive today. We will be visiting the zoo this week, I have a dress fitting on Friday and my sister's bridal shower and bachelorette party on Saturday. And tons to do to get ready for both, so I better motor.

How to lose sleep and make new people

2009-07-28T15:54:00.002-04:00

I've read a lot of birth stories lately, and by comparison mine seems pretty plain. I woke up Friday morning two weeks ago, and cuddled with E, like we'd been doing all week. Then I stood up to go to the bathroom, and I felt a little "gush" of fluid, which could have been normal (have I mentioned pregnancy is extremely sexy?) but seemed a little different than normal. A quick investigation revealed some spotting in the fluid, which could have meant a few things. I called John to let him know I thought my water had broken, then called the doctor's office, then called my Mom. By the time the doctor's office called me back I had also lost my mucous plug, and the nurse told me to head to the hospital. I took a shower, got Eleanor breakfast, dressed and ready to go, and waited for my Mom. Who kept calling and telling me to lay down. John decided to meet me at the hospital, just in case this was the real thing. (I was still unsure, despite the mild contractions that were going on at this point.) Mom finally got to the house and off we headed to the hospital.

When we got to the hospital John was waiting by the maternity door for us. Mom took E to a nearby park to wait and see whether the hospital was going to keep me or not. At this point I hadn't eaten since around 10 pm the night before, and was starving since it was after 10 am. Mom promised me a big lunch if they sent me home. At the registration desk we were told the nurse had never called (which wasn't true) and that we were going to have to wait for a room. The receptionist was probably the only person I encountered at the hospital that wasn't wonderful, but boy, was she NOT wonderful. The nurse had called in over an hour before we arrived, but the receptionist didn't bother to actually check. We found that out later. Moving on, however, we finally got into a room. There they checked my cervix. LOTS of people checked my cervix. Repeatedly. Had I not later given birth later, I still would have been sore. They did an initial test to see if my water had actually broken, and then another more reliable test because the first test was negative but not conclusive. The second test, called a "fern" test, was positive, so the staff decided to do a short ultrasound to see how much fluid I'd lost. The ultrasound showed the baby in a breech position, and they scrambled the c-section team and called my OB back to let her know. She was there within 15 minutes, and did another ultrasound which showed that the baby had flipped again, and was head-down. We discussed options and agreed with the doctor that the best option was to augment my labor so that we had a better chance of avoiding a c-section, although nothing was set in stone. 1 out of 300 babies flips like this, and they can flip at any point, even through the last stages of early labor. Luckily, B decided to stay head down!

The nurses started the pitocin at around 2 ish(?) and I did pretty well. I lasted longer through the contraction before getting the nubane and eventual epidural. John was awesome, helping me through contractions and shutting the hell up when I needed him to. I effaced quickly, but didn't dilate much to start. I was 75% effaced but only 2 cm dilated after a few hours. I had Popsicles and ice chips, but nothing else. Labor stops your digestive system, and despite my readiness to gnaw on a chair from hunger, I remembered what happened with E during the pushing stage: I almost threw up.

By late Friday night I had started dilating in earnest. I went slowly from 2 to 3, but then shot to 5 and then 8 and then "Where's the doctor?" Just before she arrived the anesthesiologist came in to give me a little extra meds in the epidural. He was a weird one. Up until that point I'd been able to move my legs and had been doing great. When he increased the meds I lost all feeling, which made pushing difficult. The nurses ended up taking a sheet and tying knots in each end and doing a "tug of war" with me during the pushing to help me use the correct muscles. They ended up pulling muscles in my back, but by gum, I got that baby out! I could see her head in the mirror ( I got brave and looked in the mirror this time!) for about an hour, and was able to watch her come out. During one of my cervical checks the amniotic sack burst completely, and there was meconium in the fluid. When B finally emerged the staff swooped in and rubbed her clean while placing her on my chest. (John got a naughty picture of this part. We were both surprised when we saw it.) For all her antics in the womb, she's been awesome since birth. She isn't as demanding as her sister was, and cries far less. We can even lay her down! And she'll sleep!

There is so much here that I'm forgetting. Like how much she looked like her sister at birth, or how Saturday night there was an explosion in the hospital's steam room and the pipes banged all night and none of us got any sleep. There were the nurses who were great, and Loud Nurse who was really nice but insisted on giving me my going home instructions at 3 am. Loudly. Or how, on the way home I told John how great I was feeling, and how hopeful and OK, and 24 hours later was a sobbing, anxiety ridden mess. It's hard to believe it's been over two weeks, which hasn't been helped by the fact that E brought home a cold and shared it with me. But this post is already holy-shit long, so that stuff will have to wait. We're all doing a lot better, and I have been making it out of the house a lot more, which helps. We're starting to get back on a routine, which will include taking pictures and putting them up, I hope. It's still intense sleep-deprivation, so I can make no promises, but you should start seeing me around a bit more often again. Hooray for the babies!

Four and more to come

2009-07-22T09:57:00.002-04:00

Last night B slept for four hours in a row, and I am a happy mama. It's been rough, her days and night have been flipped and I'm not certain we're out of the woods yet. Post-partum has been really rough, but the meds are adjusted and starting to kick in. E has been awesome through the whole transition, and I am extremely proud of her. I have a lot to tell you, about the birth, the aftermath, and the sleep deprived love we are in, but for now I need to pay some attention to a little girl and fold some laundry. Let's see if I can get a picture up:

I can! I really need to upload more pictures. It's on the list.

Ta Da!

2009-07-14T20:57:00.002-04:00

Ladies and gents, we have baby! Miss B. was born Saturday at 2:09 am, 8 lbs 10 oz, 19.5 inches. She has straight brown hair, her Daddy's chin and my eyes. She also has her days and nights completely reversed, which is tough. More tomorrow...

Holding pattern

2009-07-09T11:16:00.002-04:00

Last night, to the irritation of both John and myself, I spent the whole night flipping over because my back kept aching off and on. During one wake-up I had a brief thought about maybe timing the backaches, in case this was back labor or whatnot. Instead I fell back to sleep, only to wake up half an hour later with a neraly-week-overdue baby riverdancing on my bladder. Maybe it was Irish Step Dancing. I'd be damn proud either way.

Today I've spent quite a bit of time cleaning and doing laundry, since I've managed do jack shit in the house the rest of the week. It's been so nice to have time with my little girl; going out and doing neat stuff and having adventures. Today, however, I needed to stay home and get some stuff done. I haven't even come close to doing everything I'd like to, mostly because the energy and bending ability aren't there. The staying home and cleaning might be nesting. Or I could just need a day to do these things. Who knows?

The experience of sitting around waiting on labor to start has left me in an unfamiliar holding pattern. I do not like waiting. There's a Monty Python episode where the cast keeps yelling something like "Get on with it already!" I've been revisiting some very minor anxiety lately about things gone and gone again, but that keep popping up in my head at random times. I think it's just misplaced anxiety, since I'm currently stuck with no control over my situation. Tomorrow I might have some control, once I talk to the doctor and find out what's going on in my body. It seriously sucks not knowing if I'm even dilated at this point. And I do very much want to yell "Get on with it already!" I would like to start moving towards a life where I am not isolated at home all the time, and where my walls are painted, and I can have items of furniture where I'd like them, not where they are less likely to be destroyed/climbed on. I'd like to get into the lack of sleep stage, so I can get back out of it and get on with school. I don't want to wish my life away, and I am trying to enjoy these last moments with just me and E as much as possible. it's hard to remember to just enjoy, however. Being in the moment can feel like being stuck in the moment sometimes. A Groundhog Day of uncertainty, unable to plan more than a day in advance and even that's sketchy, and then nothing happening.

Hopefully, I'll either go into labor sometime in the next 12 hours or get some good news tomorrow. Being home with E today has been wonderful so far, and we're just getting ready to have lunch and take a nap. I might take her to the library for a little while this afternoon, since she's been so good. Then again, I don't really want to leave the house today, despite all I said above. That's not a normal feeling for me, so let's home it's really nesting and not just tired. If we stay home I'm going to let her do something fun, like play with air dry clay or get in the pool or whatever else sounds good. And hope that we get on with things pretty soon.

Robbers

2009-07-07T20:27:00.002-04:00

In the past two or three days E has started asking us questions about robbers. Things like "Are there any robbers in the world?" and "Where do robbers live?" I have tried to give good parent answers, but do not know the perfect way to deal with this. Tonight at dinner we discovered that her cousins introduced this idea to her. The context is hazy, but it doesn't matter. John took her all around the house and showed her our defenses, which seemed like a good idea. I don't want to lie to her, but I also don't want to scare the crap out of her, either. It's a fine line. Especially since we've also had to start dealing with the stranger issue. She makes friends with everyone, and we need her to be a little less trusting and friendly with adults. It makes me want to cry sometimes. We have a sweet, trusting and friendly little girl that we need to make less sweet, trusting and friendly. Because some people are not nice. She is too young to learn this. She needs to know it now. We're treading carefully here, because again, we don't want to traumatize her. It's a line you don't think about walking when you decide to become a parent, any more than you try to figure out how you're going to deal with the sensitive issue of pulling down pants or lifting up dresses in public. You think about big things, like religion and discipline theories and breast or bottle. *sigh*

We're still waiting for my womb to oust this child. I emailed one set of parents today who have their little girl on vacation. They mentioned seeing me next week if I hadn't had the baby. HELL NO, PEOPLE. I am too pregnant to watch your child now. I emailed back, using words like "possible induction" and "will let you know." Come on, baby. Mama doesn't want to have this conversation, and you'll like it out here! LOTS of room! For stretching! Even at 4 am!

All in all, I've been doing really well the last two days. Yesterday E and I spent the day with my Mom. Today we went to visit Daddy at work, and then I took my girl to the pool. She saw her best friend there, who happened to be wearing the same swimming suit. They had a blast. I got to see the little brother, too. I watch both kids, and it was great to have them run up and be super excited to see me. Don't get me wrong: I still want and need a new job. On the other hand, that rocked! As did a great day with my girl. She is so tired, though, that she had trouble eating dinner. Once again, robbers. Were they running through the woods? Why were there robbers? I need to remember to give my niece and nephew a very scary movie for the next major holiday. On principle.

Where baby? No. Were-baby.

2009-07-06T21:29:00.004-04:00

I'm sitting upstairs with my laptop listening to John record an audition for a movie. It has a lot of funny lines, one about eating his own vomit and another one where he yells "Get me out! Get ME OUT!!!" Which is pretty funny to hear out of context up here. I have a cat on my shoulder/head/stomach depending on what moment we are in. I still have a Wee baby in my belly. Strangers have now started asking when I'm due and they, too, are recommending Jumping Jacks. I'm unsure how to respond to this advice. Smile nicely? Shove a shoe up their ass? Laugh maniacally and pee my pants? I don't know.

On the bright side, I had a really lovely day with my girl. We hung out in bed for a while. We had a leisurely breakfast. She wasn't sent to the corner all day, no tantrums, no drama. She did have an accident during nap time, but a little pee is no big deal. Actually, it's to be expected at this stage. Just before the baby is born and just after is difficult for siblings. Everything is uncertain, and they know things are changing. I'd rather deal with a few accidents than deal with a screaming, unreasonable kid. She's done so well, in fact, that I am taking her to the pool tomorrow! After we go visit Daddy at the office and have a picnic lunch with him. She didn't nap today, and I'm not expecting her to take one tomorrow. Wednesday we're both going to sleep well.

John has decided that tomorrow is when I'm going to have the baby. It's a full moon, and he is convinced we're going to have a were-baby. E came out covered in what we called "monkey hair" which was a soft, fine dark hair on her ears, back and arms. She still has a slightly hairy back. John thinks this one is working hard on making a bigger impression and will come out completely covered in green hair. Believe it or not, he's never been a drug user. He just seems that way, a lot.

We had a fabulous weekend, with a little girl who behaved well and LOVED fireworks. We were able to see a lot of friends at once and a new baby. John and I also figured out that this was our first time watching fireworks together, even though we've known each other for, holy shit, 18 years. I am 31. The only people I have known longer than John are family. He's down there yelling again. I hope this audition goes well. Otherwise he's going to sound like a cracked-out teenager for nothing.

On the name front, we are down to 2 main options, with a "meeting her" clause. To be honest I'm not sure about either name. So not sure, in fact, that I just erased and entire paragraph about our choices. Then again, I'm also in the completely logical state of "This baby will never come out. I'm going to be pregnant forever." Which we all know is not true. Just until next year.

Today's the due date!

2009-07-04T13:02:00.003-04:00

A due date means nothing. NOTHING. I went in on Thursday and I am, indeed, not dilated, effaced, or within throwing distance of either. I wanted to cry by the time the OB was finished. The nurse kept saying "two more days!" like I would just spontaneously birth the baby on the due date like magic. I was nice to her, but wanted to hiss mean things at her. People keep telling me to do jumping jacks, too, which is very funny. You do not launch yourself off the ground for any reason when you are this pregnant. You just don't.

My parents took E to the big fireworks shindig last night. She told John and I that they were "big rainbows in the sky with really big BOOMS after!" I'm so glad she had fun! We're going to a friends party tonight and we're going to let her stay up and see the fireworks again. She's been alternating between very good and demon spawn since she came from her vacation, but she is steadily getting better. I'm done with daycare for at least four weeks, so I'm looking forward to spending time with my girl, and very thankful she's getting back into shape. The fireworks are a reward for working back into big girl form, and being so good for her grandparents last night. We know where my parents are going to be at all times now, just in case I go into labor. In fact, the only reason we're risking going to our friends party is because they live within five minutes of the hospital we'll be delivering at. That and the Sno-Cones. I can't WAIT to give E a Sno-Cone. She's going to be so impressed!

The nesting has died, if it ever was. I am back to just wanting to read and sleep, now that the clothes are sorted and you can walk into the nursery. In fact, I should probably run up and grab some clothes for to launder, because I should probably wear something to the party. Something cleanish. I had a dream last night that I had the baby, who was about the size of a two year old, blond and at one point nursing, at another covered in chocolate and foil like a cheap chocolate Easter Bunny. Pregnancy dreams are always bizarre.

Now I'm actually going to go get those clothes, and then try to get a girl to go take a nap. I need a nap, because I have been awake today. No other reason. Stupid tired. Only gonna get better from here!

Plodding on

2009-06-30T20:46:00.003-04:00

Well, I keep waking up pregnant. I keep going through the day, pregnant. I keep eating, sleeping, talking, showering and doing my job, all while pregnant.

The pineapple seems to be a dismal failure.

I go back to the OB on Thursday, and I have this huge, well-founded fear that I will not be dilated, effaced or anything. People keep telling me that the baby has dropped, and that may be. but she has not dropped OUT yet, so I still feel like I'm going to be pregnant forever. E has started asking about exactly when in July the baby will be here. No clue kid. Wish I did.

In related, but less whiny subject matter, today Dooce posted about her post-partum depression. She was on meds during her pregnancy, which I have chosen not to do, and yet she still had to deal with that monster. I have an appointment with my physciatrist somewhere in the middle of July (note to self-really should call and find out when that is) to address any such issues. The current plan is to start taking meds as soon as I get over the shock of having birthed a child. As in within hours. Like Heather I have talked to my army of doctors and all agree that what I will be taking, and have taken, is safe for breastfeeding. Whew. I view my meds as a kind of armor, and I'm looking forward to strapping that shit back on. I'm also looking forward to making sure my impending child has all her fingers, toes, and is not horribly deformed. Can you tell that without my meds I'm kind of an optimist? No? Crap.

I have a healthy and very real fear of post-partum depression, and I am going to work very hard on making sure I take care of any and all problems as quickly as I can. My heart goes out to all those women who don't know what they are dealing with, are ashamed of what they are feeling, or are unable or not "allowed" for various reasons to get the help they need. (Scientology and all other religous/faith healing types: I AM LOOKING RIGHT AT YOU.) Hormones can make women crazy, and it's extrememly unpleasant to be that out of control. So I praise the doctors, researchers and other science-y types that made these drugs possible. I lurve them.

And on that note, I'm going to go organize baby clothes, because I haven't done a whole lot of that yet. John thinks I'm nesting, because I've been doing things like this for the past few days. I tried to tell him no, it's just that our refrigerator was disgusting and that laundry really should be done by both of us before I start my work week with no clothes. He's not listening. Shit. Needs. Finished. Before the baby arrives and we are lucky not to walk around all day with sore lady-bits and random spit-up/food/whatever else stuck to us. OH! That's right: he'll be the one that didn't give birth or start feeding a baby with his boobs! To be fair, he's an awesome Dad and husband who doesn't shirk his duty at all. He just doesn't seem as motivated to have everyting ready, like I do. Now if I could just get that "big burst of energy" they keep telling me about...

My little ray of sunshine

2009-06-29T21:08:00.002-04:00

E came home today~she wasn't supposed to until tomorrow, but apparently she asked for me this morning and her Bubba decided not to push it. Fine with me; having her cuddle up to me right away made my day. She's been wonderful since she got home. She's played with her toys, told us stories and generally been a delight. She has tried a few new tricks, but that's to be expected after 6 days of constant spoil. At one point to night I picked her up and just held her, smiling like an idiot. I also got a "kiss attack" which means I got smothered in kisses. Yay!

I'm glad she took her trip when she did, so we could get the stupid hospital run of no use and the car breakdown that wasn't that bad or expensive, just hot and lengthy, out of the way. We were running errands on Saturday, one of which was the procurement of invitations for my sister's bridal shower at JoAnn's. When we got to the store John's car died, much like how it died when the alternator went. Scratch that: exactly how it died when the alternator went bad. You can imagine how happy John was. Especially since up until that point we were having a damn fine day. John called AAA, I went shopping for stuff in the store, and we ended up getting sunburnt while the AAA Dude tried to figure out what was going on. He tested the alternator and battery, but both seemed fine. He checked for loose wires, etc, but couldn't fine the problem. We ended up having the car towed just down the service road to a NTB, where they ran a diagnostic and replaced a fuse. The car died at 2ish, we were done by 7 and out less than 50 bucks. The tough part was the heat and sunburn, and the worry that we were about to buy another alternator. Those things are not cheap, and baby is a-comin, according to most experts. With me not getting paid for 6 weeks, I did not want that additional expence. So Hooray! I love fuses.

Now all I have to do is make it through tomorrow, with all 5 kids back and ready to rumble. Two are still fighting sick, one is two and terrible in his funny little way, and the girls missed each other but will be fighting before nine, I assure you. I have plans of distraction and separation, but it's going to be a challenge none the less. This is my last week, though. I can do it!

I also hedged my bets and ate some fresh pineapple tonight, which is rumored to do something about causing baby to leave the womb and meet us. I don't believe it, but hell, it can't hurt, either. Plus, I love me some fresh pineapple. And if I haven;t gone into labor by Saturday our friends are having their annual 4th of July party, and they rented a Sno-Cone machine. At least I can have Sno-Cones! And E, too, she'll be so excited. Yum!

Now it's time to teach John how to log onto this blog, so he can let you know if I pop.

Yeesh!

2009-06-28T20:06:00.002-04:00

First and foremost, baby is still within my womb. Out! Out baby! She's not listening. Secondly, my friend that is due tomorrow? Her water broke last night. She's giving birth at home, which scares the hell out of me, but she's just fine with it. Think of Megan and wish her luck...her and her birthing pool in her kitchen. What do you do with the water after? I keep wondering. Thirdly, I have had some intense contractions today. Not regular, not continuing unless I'm up and moving about, but the ones I've had have been doozies. They've worn me out, and I might have nested a little today. After the first two really big contractions, I started cleaning. Cleaning and organizing. Eventually I had to sit down, which caused the contractions to lighten up considerably.

I have no idea if these are "practice" contractions, or if I'm just dilating, or what. Baby's bopping around, so I'm not too worried about it. I figure if I'm really in labor I'll figure it out, and head to the hospital. At least John has stopped fretting around me like an old woman. He's sweet, but for a while there I felt like a pot being watched for a boil. Every sound I made, every time I stretched my back or "oofed" when I sat down he'd whip out the stopwatch and ask if I was having a contraction. Like I said, he's a wonderful and sweet guy. Who loves me and is excited. And whom I'm very happy has removed himself from on top of my head. I'm carryong enough weight as it is.

I'm off to call my Mom and let her know about the intense contractions, so she'll have a head's up for tomorrow if I need her. Next post will either be baby or about our car breaking down yesterday. Excitement either way!

Flips and flops

2009-06-26T14:54:00.002-04:00

Both yesterday and the day before I had contractions. By yesterday evening they were coming about every 5 minutes, and lasting about a minute. Hah, ha ha ha haaaaa. John freaked out and made us go to the hospital, even though I told him we'd just get sent home. Which we did. It appears it was a combo of barometric pressure dropping, the baby finally turning head down, and some sort of joke I'm sure I'll find hilarious once this child is out of my body. We got home after midnight, I went to sleep and the cycle begins anew.

I have had some contractions today, but according to the OB my cervix is still stubbornly shut. It should guard banks, this cervix. I'm really, really happy the baby has turned, but I'm also really really ready to get this show on the road. I'm also really ready for a new job, since one boy did not take a nap and both boys busted their lips today. Two is such a frustrating age.

In other news, E is with family out of state. I think John and I are doing fairly well with this, but I miss her so much! I can;t wait for hugs when she gets back.

And now, I smell smells that must be addressed. More when I have some!

The comedian

2009-06-20T09:06:00.002-04:00

Yesterday was another visit to the OB. John went with me this time, which was nice because I had to sit through a non-stress test for the baby. I'd done my fetal movement counts twice yesterday, and she didn't meet the 6 movements in an hour criteria either time. So the nurses strapped two monitors on and I sat there listening to my tiny Bruce Lee for 20 minutes. It took two nurses to get the monitors on because she kept moving. At one point she started kicking the monitors. Then she got the hiccups. In the end, her numbers were excellent and both her parents and the doctor were very pleased.

There's a reason I wasn't feeling her kick, however. Kid has decided that the head-down position is for sucks. She is sideways. SIDEWAYS. It's called "transverse" and they had to do an ultrasound to confirm it. On the plus side, she's a girl for 99.99% certain! We were able to see toes, fingers, belly and a heart. She's in this wonderful little yoga pose with her legs crossed. The not so great news is that if she doesn't turn on her own I am going to have a c-section for sure, because there's no other way to get her out. (Birthing a kid sideways. Ouch.) The other thing the doc told us to be aware of is my water breaking with her in this position. The water breaking thing only happens in 10% of pregnancies before labor begins, so the chances are small. But because there's no head or butt to stem the flow there's a risk the umbilical cord could get between the baby and my cervix, cutting off blood flow and oxygen. Which is a big deal. So John, E and I have all been coaching this little one: "Head down baby!" In fact, she can even go breech on me and I'll take the c-section, as long as she is OK.

Now that we know how Wee II is doing, we're having a special family day for E. Today is her sibling class at the hospital, then we're taking her out to lunch at her choice of restaurant (the Pasta Place, otherwise known as Olive Garden.) and then buying her a couple extra pairs of shorts for her trip next week. After that we're going to take her to a paint your own pottery place, and then let her ride her bike. And have a cupcake. There might be a nap/quiet time in there, and probably some dinner. But it's going to be a big day for the soon-to-be big sister! I've been looking forward to this for ages. It was intended to be a mommy-E day, but she wanted the whole family. Even better! So I better get moving and get my shower and breakfast before John and the girl get back from grocery shopping. Have a great weekend!

Everyone's in the aviary but meeee!!!!

2009-06-16T15:34:00.004-04:00

John's been nesting. My Mom came over today and did almost all our laundry, so she's nesting for me, too. Me? I am too tired to nest. And itchy.

I may have mentioned this before, but I have chronic shingles. I have heard for years that "you can't get shingles more than once" which isn't true. Doctors have said so, and I have lived it. Last week I got a few chigger bites on my panty line, which is where they like to bite. Since the bites are where my panties touch, the skin has gotten irritated. I also have some irritation in my cleavage thanks to my huge boobs and the heat, so I have shingles there, too. The doc gave me an anti-viral, which I used to keep in stock around the house, but I haven't been getting itchy so often lately. I also got some creams, which are helping. But I don't want to go into labor in the next 3 to 5 days, if only so that I am not in pain while this itchy. Dammit.

Not much else is happening here. I am working on finishing the hand-stitching on my Mom's quilt. I'm sleeping as much as I can. The nursery is woefully not ready. My brain feels like it's absent. I did manage to get my oil changed yesterday, though! And I put gas in my car. Maybe I'll work on the nursery tonight...

Fort, castle, bank vault

2009-06-12T19:07:00.002-04:00

It appears that my cervix is a steel trap. Nothing is happening, aside from my child still being in an oblique position. She's in a slightly better oblique position, but I am still at a higher risk of c-section with her there. Oh, and she has descended a bit, which means that I am peeing every 15 to 20 minutes, no joking. Let me tell you how much fun that is, especially when you pee about a tablespoonful, and stand up and immediately feel like you have to pee again.

The good news is that the baby's heartbeat was 140ish, which is awesome. Things are continuing. The office made me schedule another appointment, for July 2nd. I told the receptionist that I did not want that appointment, that the baby needed to have vacated my womb by that point, because if she had not I would be insane from all the peeing. She still made the appointment, handed me the appointment card, then I peed and drove home. I also called John on the way and told him that I hate my cervix.

Tomorrow I have a spa day, which I am really looking forward to. I'm getting a massage, pedicure and haircut. I might get it colored so that half my head isn't blond. It's the lower half where the purple has grown out and I have been to lazy to re-dye it for the last several weeks. So I'll just get it put back to one color for now. I also plan on splurging on something. I don't know what yet, but I'm looking forward to it.

Waiting for that burst of energy

2009-06-11T21:15:00.002-04:00

Oh, the hormones and what they do to us! The crying at stupid things, like TV before we nixed it, or rain. The fantastic urges we get to eat chocolate of beat of significant others in the head with frying pans. (What?) Yep, those pesky hormones...

When I was pregnant with E I suddenly developed a strange affection for floral prints, fresh flowers and hair accessories. And lip gloss. I became a girl. I mentioned to a person in my office that this was some weird nesting, and I wondered if I'd ever be myself again.

"That's not nesting." She snorted.

For the record, this was the same woman who told me not to vacuum or eat spicy food while pregnant, and carried a wooden spoon with her for disciplining her daughter. Let's just say 1) I took everything she said with a grain of salt, and 2) WTF not nesting? If that's not nesting, what the hell is? Who says MY nesting needs to be like YOUR nesting? Eh?

It turns out that "nesting" in the normally used pregnant sense of the word means that last crazy burst of hormones right before you go into labor, causing a huge burst of energy and some interesting behaviors. Like cleaning your tile floors with a toothbrush. (I have not done this, or anything like it. Yet. At least, not while pregnant.) I was induced two days past my due date last time, so I never got the chance to experience this sensation. I think nesting is actually nature's way of alerting others to your impending labor through the observation of crazy behavior. As in "Hey look! That woman is licking shoes clean, and is very large about the middle! Perhaps we should stay close to her in case a Wee baby pops out soon?" I can think of no other reason for this phenomena. It would make more sense if your urge was cook food and freeze it, or start doing kegels like it was a high paying job. But no, things like vacuuming lampshades happens.

The closest to nesting that I've come has been over the past few days. I've been making lists of all the shit I am too tired to do at the end of the day, but that still needs done. John's back is feeling much better, do he's going to get a list, probably tomorrow. I'll put it on my list-make John a list of crap to do. I did manage to get the bassinet put back together after its cleaning, and get it up to our room. And some laundry. So much to do!

Baby boot camp and the back issue

2009-06-09T12:52:00.003-04:00

Saturday we attended out one day labor and delivery class, or "baby boot camp" as John likes to call it. E spent a day with our friends Rich and Jen, who wore her out. Completely. She had a blast! We didn't exactly have a blast, but we did get an excellent refresher course on how to tell if I'm in labor, what my innards look like right now, how to breathe during labor and contractions, and all the other good stuff. *By the way, hospital pads are the size of a baby blanket folded in half. I'd forgotten that pleasant little detail. That and the gauze undies you wear right after birth. Fun!*

It was really nice to giggle through a class with John. I'm not looking forward to labor or the chance I might need a C-section, but I am looking forward to meeting this little one!

E and I went to a baby shower for a friend on Sunday. I called when we were heading home, and found out John was laying on the couch alternating heat and ice. Which was bad news, considering he's NEVER done that before. He needs to be at death's door to go to the doctor, and I can count the number of times he's stayed home from work sick over the past ten years on one hand. He stayed home yesterday and I took him to the urgent care since our doctor's office was full. The good news is that it's probably a pinched nerve, but they didn't rule out a bulging/slipped/whatever disk. The X-rays looked OK, but the doctor said that didn't mean anything. He also actively ignored me the entire time we were there, actually walking out of the room when I was speaking to him. Dick. Anyway, he "manipulated" my husband, which looked remarkably like humping him in the face. With sounds effects. And he gave him drugs. Between the two john went to work today and seems to be doing better. I have just over 3 weeks left until my due date, so I'm very happy about that!

The good stuff (people never tell you about being pregnant)

2009-06-05T20:42:00.003-04:00

The OB swabbed me today for Strep B, which is something we all have, but preggos need to be on antibiotics for it during labor if they have too much. I got measured, my pee tested, the heartbeat monitored, my weight recorded and my cervix checked. They do that by hand, by the way.

The results were all good! I've stopped gaining weight despite my best efforts, my pee was great, as was my blood pressure, the baby's heartbeat and my measurements. The baby is oblique right now, which means diagonal. No big deal unless she decides to stay that way. It does explain why I've been seeing feet just under my right boob, though. My cervix is shut tight, which is fine for two more weeks, then that better start changing. (You hear me down there? We WILL NOT BE LATE.) The lack of weight gain is actually a good sign, because it means I'm starting to maybe get ready.

There's a few things I've neglected to say about being pregnant, because this hasn't been the easy pregnancy I had last time. You should hear about these things, however, because they still fall under things people never tell you. Ahem:

Feeling the baby move and kick is the most wonderful thing in the word, even when you think it's going to make you pee your pants. The same goes with seeing that squirmy little thing on the ultrasound. There is such a wonderful sense of awe that comes with knowing that the tiny thing inside you wasn't there before, and will someday bean independent entity that will love you, and make you laugh and cry harder than you ever have before. Seeing that tiny thing once it comes out is beyond words. Nothing will ever be the same. It's hard to be a parent and give up free nights and lazy mornings and most of your freedom in general. It's not always fun to be at the beck and call of a tiny insane person who needs less sleep than you do, and doesn't want to just sit and read. But it's worth it. When they make you laugh, look at you and smile, learn something new and teach you about the world in a while new way. You'll never be so tired, or so happy.

Three days of insight

2009-06-05T08:43:00.002-04:00

Since Wednesday I have had two less kids in my care. They are on vacation until Tuesday with their Grandma. On Thursdays and Fridays I don't have the nearly one year old, so yesterday and today I have only had three kids to deal with: a nearly two year old, a 2.5 year old and E. This has been so much easier, even if the nearly 2 year old can be a real throwing/running/not listening pain in the ass sometimes. I've also been going to bed really early most of this week. The night before last I went to lay down when E did, which means that by 8:30 I was happily in bed. I was asleep just after 9. This has helped a lot. Every day this week I have been wiped out and incoherent by 5 pm, which makes the end of my days difficult. I can barely talk to John, let alone the the parents who come to pick up their kids. I am not hungry, I just want to lay down. And, I am a huge ball of anxiety, because being tired makes that happen. Still looking forward to that Lexapro!

Last night was an exception, however. I wasn't as tired after only 3 kids, could hold a conversation, and I stayed up a bit later so that I could finish a dress for E's new doll. She loves the doll, she loves the dress, and that makes me a very, very happy Mommy. Someday I might actually post pictures, and it will be a huge mess of everything I've made for the last 6 months.

I'm going to go see the OB today, to find out if anything is brewing as far as impending abby is concerned. John's working half a day to cover for me, then taking a final. I think tonight we may both collapse on the couch and drool. Tomorrow is our all-day birthing class, which is an endurance test. It's a lot of info, a long time, and a lot of tired, pregnant women. It's also interesting, vital information and the class ends up being a lot of fun.

A better place

2009-06-02T21:48:00.003-04:00

I keep reading blogs by moms who are so full of peace and calm and positive wonderfulness. In truth, that was me until I took on caring for 6 kids 10 hours a day 5 days a week. Getting back to the talk of "rhythms of life" and "peaceful times" and the like is a goal of mine. I envy those happy people. It's not that I'm not happy, my life on a daily basis just tends more towards chaos. It's getting a bit better, though. This weeks (on day 2) hasn't been as bad as last week was. I had a friend over today to help, and she listened and helped and laughed and helped me with E's doll again. After I finish here I'm going to go sew the doll's hair on. Then latch more into the hair cap part, and laugh myself silly thinking I'd get a dress for the doll finished tonight.

I took a good step yesterday: I emailed a local food shelter kind of place and inquired about volunteering starting this fall. I may need to take a job that's not ideal to start, like something in an office. Something that will pay the bills and have the kind of hours I need. But with volunteering with this organization, I'll still be doing something good and helpful. I need to do that. I need to give back in a positive way to the world as a whole. This work would directly impact people here that need help. I feel good about that. Very good.

Ah, crap. John's home and will need the computer for school. I should get to that hair and bed anyway. I hope your day is a good one!

hee hee

2009-06-02T08:42:00.002-04:00

So it appears the sage rub worked! We'll see how the day goes, but so far so good. I'm really trying to lighten up, the kids are still teething and who they are, but maybe my attitude changing will help diffuse some of the crap.

The girls want to make their own comic books today, which makes me very happy. I think we might go outside first and run around in the grass; we had a huge storm last night and I think it's always so nice the next morning.

Really, that's all I have for now.

I just want to help people...

2009-06-01T20:49:00.002-04:00

I'm tired, but no kids are here so that puts me in a better mood than I would've been. Three teething today, ugh. I've been puttering about the internet trying to find jobs, even though realistically I can't apply for anything for about two months. I happened upon PETCO's site today, and was happy with what I read. Then I thought I might apply for a job, until John pointed out some things not on their website. Things that I would not and could not deal with, like what happens when a puppy isn't adopted. Or where those puppies come from. Etc.

I just want a job where I can help people. It should pay a living wage, I should be able to not get screamed at all day, and a bonus would be a positive impact on the world as a whole. This job seems tough to find, but I will begin looking in earnest as soon as I can. As much as I'd love to be with my kids full time, I don't want to be with other kids full time, too. Four I could do. Six is too many. But with four, two of them will be mine, and that won't pay the bills.

So! I'm going to go do a sage rub to clear the air, work on E's doll and go to bed. There might be a shower in there somewhere. Just under 5 weeks to go, or just over 4.5, depending on your point of view. And assuming I don't go late. PLEASE don't let me go late: I found myself today hoping that I go into labor early so I can get a break. THERE IS SO MUCH WRONG WITH THAT. A newborn is not a break. Not by a long shot. Which is why I think the job hunt will begin in earnest...and that getting back on my meds can't happen soon enough. Perhaps my blog will go back to crafty then! And far less bitching. I'd like that!

Where does the time go?

2009-05-29T08:40:00.002-04:00

Sorry for the sporadic posting lately, I'm not sure where my head is lately. This week has been hell on wheels for both John and I, and by the time the kids are gone and E is in bed I'm ready to pass out. Which is basically what happened last night, except I kept myself awake long enough to hang up the shirts and pants from the dryer first.

I'm at 35 weeks this week, which means I've got 5, give or take, to go. A few nights ago while we were rearranging E's room with her new (my sister's old) soon-to-be-bunked beds I had a series of Braxton=Hicks contractions. (They're "practice" contractions) There were enough that I got worried, but not so many that I called the doctor. We are really, really not ready for the baby at this point, as far as physical preparations are concerned. I have nothing ready to go to the hospital, the baby's room is still full of E's outgrown clothes, and on and on. I am simultaneously ready for this wee to be out and not at all ready for her to make an appearance. In all likely hood the baby won't be coming until around her due date or later, if my family's history is any indication. It's the fact that we're so damn unprepared and I'm too tired to do much about it. HOW do women with many children do this? Perhaps the older children help? Maybe it's because John is in school and so busy, and I don't want to bug him with things like sorting and washing baby clothes while he's trying to get ready for finals.

Well, the upside is that I might be able to get a bunch done this weekend. E is having her best buddy over to stay the night, and while they are playing and having fun I might be able to sit on my ass and sort shit out. I hope to have a list of things we need so we can grab those supplies, and maybe, just maybe, get things moved around enough so that when the baby comes home we have a place to put her.

As far as goings on, I've started biting the insides of my cheeks when I chew. I have no idea why, but it sucks! The baby's not flipping about so much, but she's definitely still active. Lots of feet and stretching. She's had the hiccups a few times, and I can feel her rear end up by my boobs most of the time. I'm a hormonal raging mess, crying at everything and ready to nap at any moment. In the last week I've gotten really uncomfortable. Sleeping is the same as it has been, but sitting and getting up and down has become very challenging. Bending over is challenging, to say the least. I don't like being grumpy, which seems to be a default setting once I get tired. I have managed to get some stuff done, though. Like E's doll-thanks to a friend that came over to help with the daycare and helped me make the doll during naptime. Today I'm going to put the hair on and hopefully get the eyes and mouth on.

Man, I didn't want this to be a cranky post, but it's been punctuated with fighting by all the kids. I am so tired of constant fighting. It was supposed to be sunny and hot today, but it's gray and rainy and cool, so our pool party (which would end the fighting and let us all have a great time) is canned for the moment. Come on, sun! We need out!

No brain left

2009-05-21T09:02:00.002-04:00

No wonder the next 6 weeks seemed so hectic: I completely left out the last weekend in May. We'll be having a sleep-over that weekend with E's best buddy/sparring partner. I thought that things were moving awfully fast!

This morning has been better, but both boys are being assholes, so we're going to have to nip that in the bud before any real fun starts. It's just the age (go read Sundry!) and all, but it sucks. They are so cute and such jerks at this age.

The garden is ready to be planted thanks to the kids and myself, so we're starting out Aerogarden seedling tray today and going to the nursery this weekend. I bought sand for the new sandbox last night and got it filled thanks to John. Hopefully that will distract the kids from the garden, which they have been digging in for the last month but is now off limits due to small plants that shouldn't be stepped on.

I went to the library Monday and checked out a few books on botany. One of the books was a kid's book. It looks the most interesting of the bunch. I need to get working on my scholarship applications and other various applications, which I am oddly un-motivated to work on. However, until I can get back to school a little self education won't hurt.

Now, to get myself some ice water (I have hit the stage in pregnancy where I am thirsty ALL THE TIME) and start seeding this tray with the under 5 crowd. Wish me luck!

WTF, Wednesday?

2009-05-20T13:26:00.002-04:00

Every morning this week has been a little bit of hell, followed by a pretty good day. Today has been a little bit of hell followed by more hell, with some nice on top to flavor the still coming hell. No one has gotten hurt, so that's a bonus, but E went to bed a little late last night and has been cranky, whiny and demanding. Her little friend has been pushing her buttons because she thinks it's fun, and has been also not listening to me very well, then throwing tantrums when she's put in time out. The 8 month old is teething, and is loud. The two boys are themselves, enough said. To top it off my laptop has decided to stop opening windows for Firefox, so I can't use it for the one thing I need it for every morning: to see if the world still exists.

Actually, listing that out made me feel a lot better. Really, the issue is that I'm tired and getting more tired all the time. I have a lot to do, and no energy to do it by the time I have time to start working on anything. I don't know if John gets any time off between this quarter and next. He usually gets a week. I hope like hell he does, because I'm going to need his help getting everything done.

This weekend my Mom is taking E for an unusually long visit. She'll pick up the kid around 7:30 Saturday morning and we'll get her back sometime Sunday. As much as that sounds like an invitation to sleep all day to me, instead we're going to get some plants from the nursery (blueberry bushes! Cilantro! a tomato plant!) and get them planted, then I'll start working on the baby's room while John mows our eerily healthy grass. Usually our lawn is a laughingstock, but this year it's growing like crazy. After that we might go see a matinee, then back to the grind with finishing the baby's room, after picking up anything we need on the way from the movie home. Then back out to dinner, and maybe some light shopping. Will we get this done in a day? Who knows. I think the plan might alter so that we are not leaving the house three times. but who knows? What I do know is this: my ass is going to stay in bed as long as possible Sunday morning. I don't care if I'm awake, I am going to be stationary and lazy.

The next 6 weeks are shaping up to be very busy. This weekend was spelled out above, next weekend is our day-long birthing class. (Holy shit, June already?!) The following weekend is a community garage sale and hopefully an E and Mommy day, the next weekend is E's sibling class and John's sister from Colorado and his Mom come into town, and that's the week she goes to stay with her Bubba(grandma) and Aunt. A trip that culminates in a day at Idlewild, which is an amusement park for kids. I'll detail the issues with this trip later, but they involve food (vegan? I'm not holding my breath) sleep (her sleep schedule is about to be fucked, yo!) behavior (guess who back, has a new sister and is acting like a tyrant!) and my general anxiety about not having my kid for a week. Just before I give birth. On the other hand, it will give me a chance to do whatever it is I need to do befoer the baby. I have no idea what that is, but I guess I'll be able to do it.

Somewhere in there I'll probably be giving birth, unless our little judo champ comes when she's due (the following weekend) or after. It sounds like a whirlwind, and feels like one, too. Which may be why I'm sitting here eating left-over birthday cake icing. Or, that could be because of this morning. Either way, my ass is expanding. I'm going to go lay down.

Remeber that time I was 8 months pregnant?

2009-05-15T16:34:00.002-04:00

So the last couple of days have been pretty interesting. Wednesday night I went to check out sewing machines at The Stitching Post. They're going out of business and everything is supposed to be 1/2 off. Long story short, they didn't have exactly what I wanted, but I was debating a few machines anyway. The guy says"lets run your credit and see what they say," which sounded fine. I wanted to know how much I was approved for anyway. He cheerily tells me I've been approved and then comes back with a $450 sewing machine. I accidentally bought a sewing machine. Which I immediately returned. He then said I was "bizarre" and "flighty." I'm not sure if I just missed something during the transaction or what, but I can't help feeling like maybe I zoned out at a crucial point of the conversation because the baby picked the period I was in the store to start practicing judo in the womb.

Then last night Goldie (the kittenish cat) grabbed a roach trap we put in the basement because a week ago I saw what I thought was a roach at the cat food and was grossed out. After she dropped the trap in water and then punctured the bottom of the bait trap she ran through the house with John and I chasing her. Once I caught her and got the trap away I called the animal medical emergency number on the back, and while on the phone managed to trip on the black bouncy ball all the way across the family room and land on the rocking horse. While on the phone. During the one minute John was in the bathroom. He didn't hear a thing until he came out and and found me bawling on the floor. He thought the cat had dropped dead. It turns out the poison in the traps we used is the same stuff they use in frontline, and Goldie would have to eat several traps to even feel ill. Meanwhile I skinned both my knees and my ankle was on ice, my hormones kicked in and I couldn't stop crying for almost 10 minutes. At least I didn't fall on my stomach or wake up E. This morning I found several new places where I am bruised and battered.

And now I present this morning: the lady in the hospital who is at least one, probably 2 weeks less pregnant than I am? She gave birth at some point between last night and early this morning. Which puts the baby at least 6 weeks premature. I guess everyone's doing fine, but man. It's been a rough week for those folks. I hope everything stays just fine for them, because having a baby that early is terrifying.

I've had help here the past two mornings, which has been awesome. I'd really love to have someone with me here all the time, but alas. I'll take what I can get, and right now the getting is good.

Tonight we're going to go out and get a girl some flip flops, some containers so she can make her own breakfast (cereal) in the morning, and a grill for our grill. TGIF.

Tonight

2009-05-13T13:39:00.002-04:00

Tonight I am going to our local sewing machine depot to look at their machines. I posted awhile ago about how I was Going! To get! A new machine! But later decided that 1) I suck at saving money when there are birthdays and holidays and fabric! and 2) that my current machine is working just fine, thank you, so why mess with a good thing?

Well, the store is going out of business, and everything is at least half off. John told me to go look and see if there was the deal of a lifetime, and then we can work out a payment plan for ourselves. Which means that instead of me saving money, I just won't get allowance for a while, but I'll have a new machine. In theory. If there's anything good and affordable. We'll see. But I'm excited to look, and I'm excited to get out of the house. FREEDOM!

In completely unrelated news (do I ever transition to something related?) one of the kids here is having a rough time. Her mom is almost as far along in her pregnancy as I am, and has been diabetic since she was a teenager. She's in the hospital for the second time this pregnancy with some serious blood sugar level issues. The baby seems to be doing just fine, but it's been hard on the whole family and the poor mom feels horrible. She can't keep any food down! Her levels are getting better, but if you could send some good thoughts out to the midwest, I'd appreciate it.

From the couch!

2009-05-12T14:54:00.002-04:00

I am writing to you from my couch. Because one of my presents for the combined day of goodness was my Mom's old laptop, which is a better laptop used than I could afford new. (Have I mentioned how much taxes sucked this year? Let's just say the next time I spend nearly 10 K on something, it better come with a pool boy. Or be self cleaning. Or let me fly.) Moving on past my irritation with self employment, this laptop with a battery and also works thing is awesome. I've been able to work on my sister's wedding stuff while the kids are around, I can check my email, and now I have bookmarked my blog so that I can find it and update. Brilliant!

Mom's Day and B-day were awesome. I have a massage and hydro-therapy tub coming in the near future, some roses that turn into bubble bath and the new Dylan album. Which is actually good. John did a great job. I need to write a post soon about comics/graphic. One of my presents was Stephen King's newest venture with Marvel: The Dark Tower stuff. I also need to look at the comic itself to see what it is actually called. It was good, name aside. But more on that later.

Otherwise, things are going. 7 weeks 4 days until I'm due. John made the Dean's list for school last quarter, my daughter was the sweetest girl in the world over the weekend. I have certain friends I really wish would call me back, and my sister's wedding is creeping slowly closer. We're doing invitations this weekend. My left boob itches on the biopsy scar like nobody's business.

And on that note, I'm going to start up the afternoon. We have a documentary made by the BBC just for kids. It's on Chimpanzees. Then, we go outside!

And then a miracle occurred.

2009-05-08T18:10:00.002-04:00

SO....
Do you want to know how much weight I added to my pregnant ass after 4 (FOUR) packages of Oreos in two weeks? Do you? DO YOU?

One friggin pound.

I have no idea how that happened, maybe it was the constant movement what with chasing the childrens around. Never mind that in any other circumstance I would have gained 10 pounds from eating just one of those packages. I am not questioning this miracle. I am loving it and giving it liquor and BJs until it decides to live with me forever. I am dry humping this miracle because ONE POUND. !!!

My OB was not pleased with my diet, but was happy with the entire inspection. I had no bad stuff in my pee, my blood pressure is still insanely good (98/60. WTF?) and I am measuring where I should be: 32 cm at 32 weeks. Sweet! Plus the baby's heartbeat was a perfect 144. So perhaps my oreo diet is working, oh skeptical doctor person...

Before I went to the OB's I applied for an Administrative Assistant position at a local school. This is the first job I have ever applied for that I knew I wasn't going to get. There were at least 10 people in the room, all ladies, perfectly coifed and dressed and knowing their typing speed and crap. I looked at the sign-in sheet, and there were at least 50 people signed in for the job. I am not at all qualified for this position to begin with, and the secretary who was taking the apps let me know that. Bite me lady, it was good practice.

After talking with a few of the vastly more qualified candidates who had been job hunting for months, and taking a look at the paper my Mom left here with stories of people who had been looking for jobs for years, I am now very sad about the prospect of changing careers. At the moment. Because there are a lot of people who need positions more than I do, and I actually make a pretty good living. I'm still going to try, but I also am going to try to take the long view and wait for something good. My real goal is to go back to school and get a degree/job in horticulture, and to get the fuck out of day care. However, I got kisses today from the little ones for no reason, and that makes up for a lot. This is a stable, well paying job that just happens to be very difficult. I may look for help for the winter, so that I do not end up on my own for weeks at a time stuck in a house with 6 children. That's going to take some figuring out.

In the mean time, I am going to pursue some options to make cash on the side so that I might be able to reduce the number of kids, or something. SOMETHING! I have no idea. Corset making, sewing classes, teaching henna, I guess I could actually do something with the Etsy store, who knows? The future's fuzzy, what with the new baby and associated sleep deprivation on the horizon. We'll just have to see.

Lastly, John did an awesome thing today. My birthday falls on Mother's day this year, so my Mom is taking E tomorrow night. John got us tickets to an honest to god in a theater movie (Star Trek) and reservations at a fancy pants fondue restaurant. I am even going to wear a dress. Maybe high heels. Well, high for me. I am a bare foot kinda girl.

So happy weekend, happy Mother's Day, and hooray for a date!

Can't wait to hear it

2009-05-07T21:53:00.002-04:00

I keep having this vision of getting on the scale tomorrow and having the nurse say something like "Girl, WHAT have you been EATING?" Because my OB's office is all cool like that. (It's not. These are dry, dry people.) I'm trying to get in as much water as possible, because I do not want protein in my pee again. Stupid not being able to drink caffeine free coke all day...

Speaking of drinking, I nearly had John pick up some O'Douls today. N/A beer is so sexy, isn't it? Long story very short, it was a rough day and after the Beer Dream a beer sounded great. I ended up skipping, however. Instead I finished my resume, had my first play-date for E and her friend, and had some ice cream. I am REALLY excited to find out how much I weigh tomorrw. REALLY.

Week 31.9999

2009-05-06T13:31:00.002-04:00

In the past two weeks I have eaten 4 (FOUR) packages of Oreos. I'm calling it the fortnight of fattening. And boy, howdy, am I excited to see how much weight I've gained in two weeks when I go to see the OB on Friday. In my defense, it's been a hell of a two weeks. Mom came over yesterday to give me a break~I went to the store (where there is a bank branch/center thing) to deposit checks, and ended up breaking down and getting that fourth Oreo package. I then came back to my house, sat in the garage crying like an idiot and eating cookies. Three kids teething, two kids going through the terrible twos, a three and four year old fighting like sisters and a 2 year old that won't stop peeing her pants. Plus, I now move at the speed of mold, can't bend over and am not sleeping well at all. Pregnancy! All the sexy you wish would make you rich instead of tired.

When I came in from the garage my Mom had successfully gotten my child to sleep, which is a fucking miracle, and she then ordered me to bed. I woke up feeling much better. As did my child. And all the other kids, who slept for an average of 2.5 hours each. Sleepy = cranky= miserable for all involved. One part of this whole melt down was the fact that the job hunt is stupid right now. If it's something I'm interested in it's not local, I'm not qualified or the company is not hiring. If it is a job I'd hate, I'm qualified and they are hiring RIGHT NOW. But I must give birth and take maternity leave before I start a new job. Also: school crap. There is a school that has what I am looking for, but it is over an hour away with little to no online class offerings. John has offered to move to the nearest big city, but I do not want to live there. It's where Beck lives, and I hate that city. It's cold, snowy, miserable and cold. Did I mention the snow? I want to live somewhere WARMER. Preferably where people know how to drive. Not that I'd mind seeing Beck more often, but ugh. No snow belt for me.

Well, that was full of bitching! On to baby: She is playing basketball. Inside my womb. From 7:30 pm to 2 am, usually. Which is fun, except when it isn't. She can now get her feet into my ribs, and has been doing the fun trick of pressing on my bladder at odd moments. It makes you feel like you're going to pee your pants rightnow, and then it's gone. I'll miss these moments when they're gone. I really will. There's nothing else in the whole world like feeling your child move inside you, and knowing that that little person will be out and growing up and driving soon. Also, that in 8 to 10 weeks you can have that beer or glass of wine you've been dreaming about for a week now. I keep waking up freaking out, thinking I've fucked up, then realizing it was a dream.

Ugh, baby's up, gotta go put her back to sleep.

30.5 weeks, redeux

2009-04-29T13:35:00.002-04:00

I meant to talk about the pregnancy in my last post, but was too wiped out. I was too wiped out to talk about the pregnancy because the pregnancy is now officially keeping me from getting enough sleep.

Things no one tells you about being pregnant # 75897:

Once you hit the last trimester you can forget about sleeping through the night. You get up to pee at least once but more likely 2 to 3 times. You have to roll over about every hour, which involves much grunting and huffing and usually a grumbly sleeping partner, and you must roll because your hips, knees and back ache from being in the same position for more than 40 minutes. This is made all the harder because you are most likely sleeping in a pillow fort of some kind. Since you are officially NOT TO LAY ON YOUR BACK! !! !!!! after the fifth month, you must construct some sort of soft, pillowy structure to stop you from rolling onto your back in your sleep. Plus, dude, you are going to need something between your knees to help your poor back, and under your belly, and hips. All the ligaments and tendons are full of relaxin bby now, which is a chemical that loosens your joints and tendons and the like. So that you can pass that watermelon out that lemon hole. You are welcome for that image, it came from Carol Burnett, I believe. Anywhoo, as welcome as this chemical is, it makes the rest of your body ache in the night. If you are in your thirs trimester and someone tells you to catch up on your sleep now becuase you'll need it when the baby comes (like you can store rest, asshole) you are entitled to punch them in the face. While screaming obscenities. Trust me! Any judge and jury would let you slide. Especially of they are female and have children.

The baby is still trucking away in there. Tomorrow marks 31 weeks, which is a home stretch if I've ever heard of one. Saying I have nine weeks left makes it sound so close! Saying I have until July makes it sound so far away. I'm not sure which is better.

I spent close to two hours last night looking for jobs on a site I found. There was nothing I wanted to do, was qualified for or that paid enough. I found one library job, but it was part time and evenings. DAMN. But I have a while (nine weeks, or JULY) before I can really get serious. I am looking, however, because all the kids have colds, and three out of six are teething. My day is a very loud day. And cranky. But so far things are still going well, and the crazy is holding off. Soon I'll have a new baby, and a very proud big girl, and a newly enchanted husband and parents. I may not get much sleep, but I'm pretty damn happy about that today. Oh, and have I mentioned there are a lot of mood swings in pregnancy?

30.5 weeks

2009-04-28T13:24:00.002-04:00

I went to the pediatrician/family physician today, and was told that I could "have that baby and then pop a lexapro" if I wanted to. I love that woman. She felt the baby in my womb, talked to me about my iron and calcium, and basically rocked. I came home, all the kids went right to sleep for nap, and now I'm going to lay the hell down. Which means the 8 mo old will probably wake up, but I'm going to try anyway. More later?

Enough already

2009-04-27T14:23:00.002-04:00

Lately I've been seeing a ton about dead kids. Enough. I'm sitting here with tears streaming down my cheeks from yet another story about a little one that died. I know it happens, I know it is the worst thing ever, I know. I fear it every day. But enough already. Let's go a few months before another tragedy, OK? Let's give parents a rest, and let them keep their kids. Let's just do.

I saw the OB this morning, and we're measuring perfectly. The heartbeat was great, blood pressure great, a little protein in my pee, but I might be a touch dehydrated. I've only gained one pound in two weeks, which is great. I told the OB I was worried about low birth weight, and having a kid with mental deficiencies. Normal. But I might stay the hell off the internet for the next 9.6 weeks, because I don't need to read any other horror stories, thank you.

I'm hot on the trail of a new job. If by "hot on the trail" you mean looking and despairing. The right one will come along when it's ready. I'm going to be filling out and application on May 8th, and maybe taking some tests after that for a school position. I'm not holding out a lot of hope, but it's worth a shot, right? I hate job hunting.

I'm getting myself a pizza tonight. I'm also going to get a sandbox for the kids, some labels to put on wedding invitations, the paper for the invitations, and a seam gauge since the sewing class took both of mine. Dammit.

The baby is up again. I've gotta go.

nice day, crap news and oreos

2009-04-24T16:41:00.002-04:00

Today I took the kids to the zoo with another mom, and met two of the three remaining moms there. It was awesome! The kids had a good time, we had a good time, things went swimmingly. If more days were like today I'd consider continuing to do this job.

On a related note, the assistant librarian position was filled while I was filling out the application. Damn. So I'm still looking, but nothing is going to be as perfect as that job seemed. It was down the road from my mom, a school job with school hours, in a library. I'd still be working with kids, just older ones. Oh well. Wasn't meant to be.

In good news, a friend that's been looking for a new job for years finally found one, and has been offered the position! She's been at her current job for 9 years, and needed out badly. I'm so happy for her!

Beck's having house finding issues. I'm crossing my fingers that the right one comes along soon.

Finally, I told John that he wouldn't be going to bed last night until I had oreos. I have oreos. They are wonderful, and this weekend is shaping up nicely. Tonight John has made some time so that we can cuddle and watch a movie. He's been so busy I feel like I haven't touched the man all week! He's also going to bring me home a big, cold, frosty root beer. After a day at the zoo, I could use one. Man, today rocked. It was so nice to have a good day!

I hope you have a great weekend!

Scheduled computer time

2009-04-23T14:19:00.002-04:00

Tonight I will have one free hour to finish my application for the Librarian position. I plan to make full use of this time, since 1) I want this motherfucker DONE, and 2) John seems to "need" the computer for "school." It's funny: I started the online application for the job and my laptop immediately died and John ended up with 4 projects he had to do online this week. Oh, and naptime went straight to hell. In order to write this I had to send E up to her room for quiet time. I can hear her playing instead of laying down, but I'm picking my battles today.

I am going to have John bring home Oreos tonight. I need them. I have suddenly developed a ravenous hunger, starting today, and we'll see how long it goes. With E I was all food all the time, but with this one I've been less hungry than normal. Until today, when I had noodle soup with the kids, leftover miso beets from last night and a cheese sandwhich for lunch. I might go have another cheese sandwich right now; writing about food has made me hungry again and it's been 15 minutes.

And that's just what I did.

Yeah

2009-04-22T18:18:00.003-04:00

Os, yeah, today was a bit rough. Ended with no one hurt, though, and on a good note. John's making me miso beets for dinner, which is very nice of him. (It's one of my favorites!) Hopefully the next post will be more cheery.

I think I might be a *little* hormonal right now. Sorry guys!

Feeling groovy

2009-04-22T13:13:00.002-04:00

I read a lot of blogs that are about crafting, and for some odd reason a lot of the crafters I read are all pregnant right now. One has a tour of the room she has set up for her child, which is very nice and very Montessori. I can't help wondering how she's going to feel when her child breaks all that beautiful stuff she has just at his height and in his reach. Mayne it will be different with her, maybe her child won't explore by trying to take things apart. I hope so, for her sake.

Another crafter I read reminded me to slow down and enjoy this time with just the three of us. Which sounds good, and I'm trying. But I want back on my meds yesterday, which makes that living in the moment thing we try so hard to do nearly damn impossible.

There are other sites and stories out there along this same vein. I thik perhaps dealing with so many children, alone, for over two years has soured me to the very ideas that I hold dear. Sure, a Motessori room sounds great! Wait until the little guy breaks all those beautiful picture frames and rips apart the books. I'd love to live in the moment and enjoy each minute, but really all I want is to get through the day, and the next one, and the next one. Without someone getting hurt or screaming or fighting all the time. Actually, I want to go on a damn retreat somewhere, and have a week of quiet. With a new job waiting when I get home.

You know what? I thought I had a point here. Instead, I'm going to end this uplifting post and out the baby back too sleep. Again. Hump day.

Digital, libraries and the like

2009-04-21T13:21:00.003-04:00

You know what? I LOVE iron. I would love Iron Man, too, but I'm married. That iron supplement I'm taking seems to be doing the trick, because I had a horrid day yesterday, complete with the same kid getting hurt TWICE, and I didn't have a panic attack. I can't explain to you how huge that is. It's fucking awesome! My anxiety has been way down in general, but yesterday wins awards in my book for bad days bringing great results. I may invest in an iron skillet just to get more iron in my diet (it's a legit method, actually) and I am going to stay on these darling pills for as long as I need to. Hot Damn.

That being said, yesterday did it. It put me right the fuck over the edge as far as this job goes. I am applying for new jobs, particularly an assistant librarian one I'm going to finish the online application for tonight. It's at a local elementary school near where my mom lives. She has agreed to take my offspring again, and I couldn't be more grateful. That woman needs a prize of some sort. So wish me luck in finding a good day time job, hopefully with a school, that pays decently. hahahaha. ha.

On to unrelated news items:

I finished the baby blanket! I need to take some new pics of E anyway, so I may have her hold the blanket so you get a two for one deal. I even hand-stitched binding! Thanks, Beck!
John and I are digitizing our music. We have a terabyte hard drive (external) that we're putting everything on. We're guessing with the amount of music we own that it will take around 6 months if we work on it every night. We are already one week behind schedule. Damn.
I am starting on a dress for E, made out of Japanese wiener dog linen. That sounds so wrong, but is so very cute. Next, on to baby stuff.
I went to my first American Sewing Guild meeting. I now know how to sew swimming suits! I was the youngest one there by 15 years, but hell, these ladies are great at sewing. I'm hoping to learn a ton from them. Also, they do charity work through sewing, so I'm happy to be involved.
Baby is kicking up a storm lately!
We had a really great weekend. It was wonderful to be able to enjoy what I was doing without feeling like the world was going to end. I taught my first sewing class, which was at JoAnn's and all about how to pick out fabric, supplies and notions. I enjoyed time with my husband and child. I didn't freak the fuck out. I'll say it again, I love me some iron.

That's all I've got today. Hound me about the pics if they're not up tomorrow, and go check out Bean's possible new place, and the cool stuff Holly's been doing at Indie Home Ec!

Friday!

2009-04-17T08:23:00.002-04:00

Oh thank the universe at large that this week is over. Weekend is needed. It's the stiff drink I can't have. Whew!

It looks like the Early Childhood Degree I was looking at actually isn't offered online at the local college John and I prefer, so that's scrapped. That's OK with me; I wasn't passionate about it. There is a degree in GIS, which has urban planning and the like. Only two classes would be at the physical location, so that would work. I would love to go back to school for horticulture, but I can't see myself going back to school full time with two kids anytime soon. With the GIS degree I could perhaps push towards re-using space and greening the world up a bit. We'll have to see!

That's all I have for now. Baby is bopping around, which makes me very happy. The weather is supposed to be nice today. I'm almost finished with the baby's blanket, I just need some help figuring out the binding. I need to type up a supplies list and some basic instructions for my class tomorrow, but that's about it. It's nice not to feel like there's a crushing weight on me!

Have a great weekend!

In the FUTURE....

2009-04-16T14:38:00.002-04:00

Today is finally sunny, which means I took the kids, who have been running in circles in my house for the past week, outside. They ran for 5 minutes, then they all sat down, quietly, to play in the dirt. They are all bizarre.

Good news front:

I just found out that my super talented Aunt Kathy will be teaching my sewing class with me. She can make suits! So I hope I don't embarrass myself too badly in front of her. She wants to take me to an American Sewing Guild meeting on Sunday, and if John's OK with that I'd love to go. I not a big joiner, but there's a discount at fabric stores and the like, and they have free classes! Sunday's is on how to sew with knits, which is something I've been a bit intimidated to try. It would also be nice to reconnect with this Aunt, who was one of my favorites when I was very small. She's Catholic now, which is a sticking point sometimes, with some people. It would be with her husband, I think. I'm hoping that we can get around the religion and other conservative vs. uber liberal issues and just hang out. If not, I will have at least tried.
I talked to John last night about changing jobs. My initial plan was to do something part time to be home for the kids at least a few days a week, and to craft to somehow make up the difference. Somehow. He said OK. I cried with relief and the realization that this business, that I have worked my ass off for, is not a good fit for me. Then I went out for a bit~more on that in a second. When I got home John and I talked a bit about our financial situation and what is realistic. He's so smart for waiting! We're thinking a bit, and doing some research. We have some time since I'm not planning on doing anything until after the baby is born, and probably until after the end of this year. One thing we are thinking about is having me get my Early Childhood degree online and then work in a center for a bit. I could probably get a job in a center without it, but the pay would be better with that piece of paper. This would let me earn an income, be with my kids, and still get out of the house and be around other adults. It's not what I want in the long term, but it's one possible solution. Like I said, we're looking at a lot of stuff. I'll let you know what the plan is once we get one!

I canceled my Behaviorist last night. Instead I went to JoAnn's to get some stuff for corset making and to get an idea of things I need to tell the students to get for class. I also waited fro a friend to call me back. She's preggers as well, and while I have seen some women go through rough pregnancies, this is beyond my scope. Poor girl is having a really rough time, so I went over last night to just talk. One thing a Mom learns quickly: you need other moms. If for no other reason than to vent with someone who understands, because being a Mom is rough. It's wonderful, and rewarding, but not every minute is bliss. There's a whole lot of shit no one tells you to start off, and every kid is different. So I listened and talked, and was very happy to be there for someone who needed me. I have a small group of people I call friends, but I would do anything for them. That's how much I think of these people.

I wish I could have done more; I wish I could have given her an easy answer or any solution at all. Here's something no one tells you about being pregnant: at some point you feel trapped. You can't force the baby out, or go back to before you were pregnant. You can't get a new job, have a drink, or prepare any further for what is about to come. You can't know what it's going to be like after the baby comes, even after you've had one. All you can do is keep on keepin' on, and wait it out. Which, frankly, sucks the big one, hard. Sorry, ladies, some of us get pregnancies that are sunshine and rainbows. Some of us get constipation, raging hormones and hemmoriods. If we're lucky, we get more of the first than the second, but everyone gets a little of each, usually.

I wish I could tell my friend that after the baby comes everything will get better, but I can't do that, either. It could! But there's sleep deprivation like you've never known, even if you've been deprived before. There's the demands of this other person, who doesn't tell you what they want. There's the hormone roller coaster yet again, and the realization that this is for the rest of your life. Even if it's all you've ever wanted, that's a biggie. BUT! It gets better. Eventually the creature sleeps. It starts talking, and loving you, and getting cute. You learn to adapt, and love more than you knew you could, and you get so tired and frustrated and happy and grateful. And it doesn't stop. There are new discoveries every day, and new trials, too. You realize your flaws, your shortcomings, your strengths and your areas that need some help. You lament those perky boobs that are gone. You rejoice at your new status as Best Mommy In The World. And you keep going. Which is where I am right now, with a girl who was super happy to see me after a day with Grandma. She's the best thing ever, and as hard as life can get, I wouldn't change her one little bit.

My brain is back and sewing for the small masses

2009-04-15T13:38:00.002-04:00

One side effect of anemia (and pregnancy) is the inability to concentrate. Cognitive functions go WAY down, it appears, which may be the reason I've been calling every child in the day care the wrong name. Even my own kid. To combat this I've been trying to do all my important thinking stuff in the early afternoon, before I get so tired I can't think. I can't tell you how many times in the last month I have tried to play a video or something on my computer and spent the next half hour trying to figure out why the speakers weren't working. I had headphones plugged in. Every damn time.

I've also been eating foods high in iron, as well as taking the supplement. I've also started watching my other vitamins and minerals, like absorbic acid and calcium. With E John and I watched these things like hawks. It's so very different when you already have a child; the time and energy just aren't the same. But I am starting to feel a little better, which is good because I'm going to be teaching a sewing class for the next 4 weeks, and I need my brain to do that.

I'm stoked! This is the first class I'll be teaching to actual, no shit, adults. Over 7 years old. That can drive and hear swear words. Plus I'm teaching a SEWING CLASS! Hot damn, something I like to do! Not that teaching toddlers to get messy in paint isn't fun, this is just more in line with where I'd like to be personally. The class is about sewing without worry, how to fix the inevitable mistakes, and how to have fun with the craft. It's a very beginning sewing class, so much so that the first class meets at a fabric store so I can show them how to pick out fabric and basic supplies. Two of the people don't even own sewing machines!

We're going to make some place settings. I'm going to lay out some stuff tonight and tomorrow, to make sure I tell everyone to buy the correct amount of fabric. We're making (in theory) 4 place mats, 4 napkins and 4 coasters. I need to actually make what the class is going to make this week, to make sure it all fits, works, etc. Plus, I need to write up a supply list and some instructions. I hope at the end of this class everyone feels empowered to make their own stuff instead of buying it, and that they are happy to know that they can create something. It always makes me feel better! If I'm lucky, at least one or two of these students will go on to enjoy a new, wonderful hobby. Maybe even spread the word. Who knows?

Well, I need to get finger puppet making materials together for after nap. E is at her Grandma's today, and the other big girl wants some special attention and crafting. I can dig it! I miss my girl, but a day away makes seeing her again so wonderful. She needed a Grandma day, and I needed a day to recharge. I'm so lucky that I'm gong to have all the help coming my way after Wee II is out. One is tough, two will be tougher. Not as bad as 6, but this one will live here and we'll not be sleeping.

Crap, I still need to get those wedding invitations for my sister worked out. Crap. Why isn't this a well paying job?

And then I started eating metal

2009-04-14T09:36:00.002-04:00

I've been seeing stars for weeks now. I mentioned it to my OB, who thought it was blood pressure changes when I moved around. I've been exhausted, but I run a day care and am pregnant. I've been so anxious that I can't watch most movies or listen to a ton of music, for fear that something will set me off, not to mention how I've been unable to enjoy my daily life due to the feeling things were about to fall apart. My OB thought all of these things were normal, just me or related (normally) to the pregnancy.

It turns out I'm anemic. That's actually great news, since it means that there is something I can do about the anxiety. Did you know anemia could cause anxiety, especially if you are already prone to it? Neither did I. So I'm taking an iron pill with my prenatal and John and I are figuring out some good things for our family to eat. I cried yesterday when I found out that not only was I low on iron, but that's probably the reason for the symptoms listed above. Especially the anxiety. Knowing that I could do something before 12 weeks was such a relief, I can't even tell you!

So hooray! And now I'm off to play with the kids!

Weekend

2009-04-13T12:56:00.003-04:00

This weekend was so so good, and so very bad. We had a great time, E slept in! And Easter activities were nice. We managed to get the rooms switched around to my satisfaction, laundry done and some nice relaxing in. I also spent this weekend gripped by anxiety. It never bloomed into a full blown attack, but it was far from comfortable or pleasant.

I'm hoping for a really good afternoon so that I can be sane tonight...

EDIT-

It's nap time, but neither of the two older girls were sleeping. I let them get up, play with their favorite modeling clay toy, and am giving them Easter candy. I feel great about this! Sometimes you just need to spoil kids a bit.

I also ordered the white noise machine the BT for the kids recommended. It'll save us money because then I won't have the vacuum on for hours at a time. Because I just had to dish out over $5000 in taxes, I used my allowance. I figure it's worth it; my quality of life should greatly improve while our electricity bill decreases.

I'm going to do everything I can after everyone else wakes up to make this afternoon fun. Well, this afternoon and every day from now on. It's not that I didn't before, but I've been to focused on how hard this job is, instead of focusing on how much fun it can be. Thus ramping my anxiety up to new heights, because I'm so worried about what the next day will bring. Changing the focus of my day will hopefully help.

Tonight I'm going to a friend's house to learn about making corsets. I'm hoping this will end up being a side income that is significant, because I need something else. This living/working/children thing is work, wonderful, difficult and maddening. I am blessed and trapped at the same time, and am going to, again, focus on the good parts. And wait for medication. Sigh.

And the Doctor says:

2009-04-10T18:43:00.002-04:00

I met with the psychiatrist this morning. She recommended going back on meds 3 to 4 weeks before my due date. I then talked to the OB, who said with my history that course of action was understandable, but that there was still a risk to the baby. Not withdrawal, like the Psych was worried about, but other symptoms associated with ANY use of that class of drugs at ANY time during the third trimester. Symptoms like slow heartbeat, breathing problems, seizures and irritability. She also said that most babies are fine, but there is an increased risk. Even if you start taking the drugs only two weeks before birth. She recommended that I think about it.

I'll start taking the drugs after the baby is born. Getting me to therapeutic levels before postpartum kicks in is important, but not as important as making sure my newborn doesn't have seizures. Do I still have a little anxiety? Sure. But I've been avoiding the panic attacks, and will continue to do so, cognitively. The docs both said that the panic doesn't harm the baby, so I don't have to worry about past damage done. Thank goodness.

I'm now 28 weeks, which means 12 left. I can do this. Everything is going to be OK! The baby is growing well, the heartbeat is good, and things around this joint are improving at a rapid pace. We're moving furniture around this weekend to further de-anxiety daycare time, and that make me happy, too. Two kids is going to be a trip, but a good one.

And now, I need to get off the computer because a certain girl and her Daddy want to watch a HomeStar Runner before her bubble bath. Happy Easter/Passover/weekend!

Letting go

2009-04-09T14:44:00.002-04:00

It's been an interesting 24 hours here at casa Crazy. I had company yesterday; my Aunt in the morning to train for tomorrow, and my friend Karen here in the afternoon because I was lonely. All I can say is Hot Damn! for friends, because they can get you through some stupid shit. Long story short, I had a little panic attack because one of the boys had a tiny bruise and I didn't know exactly where it came from. His mom was fine, the boy is fine, I am now fine. And you know what? I have decided that yesterday's attack was my last one.

I've been reading about anxiety and mastery of panic attacks from a therapist's manual. I've been seeing a behaviorist. Last night we went back through and rehashed everything that I've reacted to, everything I've learned, and all my triggers. I know what causes this, and I now know how to let it go. I am done being hijacked by my own hind brain. I'm letting go of the fear, letting go of the learned behavior that causes the anxiety and panic, and I'm letting go of the anxiety and panic themselves.

Part of this means letting go of some of the rules here at daycare. It means letting go of some of what I had wanted to do, and releasing a lot of my expectations. It means reclaiming some of the space I had used back into family space, and removing a lot of things from the one room I'll be using, so that the space is safer, and I can see everyone at all times. As far as I'm concerned, this is all fine. It's great, in fact! And while the behaviorist's program was tough, and will be for another week or so, I am definitely seeing improvement. I emailed him questions and got answers back this morning, and things are getting better all the time.

This job will always be a hard one. There will always be days that I will need to step outside, that I will be so frustrated and blown that shoveling raw sewage will seem like an improvement. But on those days I will give up. To hell with our plans, we will survive, find a way to laugh about it, and just stay safe. Safe knowing that this is a good place to be, that we love each other, and that bad days end. Bad weeks end. Bad years end. And there are always good bits to be found within those times. I'd forgotten that.

Now, let me not mislead you: once this tiny baby is out and getting on with the growing I will be back on my meds. ASAP. Anxiety and panic may be learned behaviors, but there is a medical component as well. I have always had a problem with depression (I run out of seritonin and LOOK OUT!) plus I've dealt with post-partum before. That sucker's tough. So I'm not going to fuck around. But from now until something explodes or there is a real emergency, this crap is over, and I am very happy about that.

Important stuff ~ 27 weeks

2009-04-07T21:36:00.002-04:00

Let's do a baby post, shall we?

On Thursday I will be 28 weeks preggers, which means I have roughly 12.5 weeks left of gestating this little miracle that won't let me pee more than 3 tablespoons at a time. Lately she's been very quiet during the day until I lay down, and then she wallops me like a European footballer drunk after the big win. She's a little more subdued at night. Or I'm somehow miraculously sleeping through her shenanigans, which I'll take because she can't be loud until she's out. In around 12 weeks. Holy fuck, Batman.

Let's see, the behaviorist was here last night, everything went well, today sucked like it was supossed to, tomorrow will suck more and then it will get better. Tonight we had a birthday party for my Grandma. Tomorrow I see my personal BT, and Thursday, O Frabjuous Day, I have FREE. Which means sewing for E or her sister!! Let me add to that: !!!!! There is SO much I want to make for those two, and I only have 12 weeks. CRAP! I need to make that doll. Crap.

It appears that E will be going to her Bubba's and Aunt's for the last week of June. I am very mixed up about this emotionally. I know that she will have a great time, but my baby! I will miss her so. Also, what if the baby comes while she is gone? And her schedule? What will they do to her precious, hard won schedule? Dude. I'm going to be the Mother of Children. Can you feel the hormones in this post?

Lately, as in the past week, my belly has become very heavy. It feels like gravity is pulling much stronger there, and this makes my ribs hurt. Also, I am hungry, but there is a fine line to how much I can eat. If I don;t eat enough I still feel like I am starving; eat too much and the upper left side of my basketball (you know, the one on my front mid-section) aches for hours, and I have to sit with a definite right lean. The baby is around 2 pounds now, and let's go to the internets for some facts:

Your baby now weighs in at approximately 14½ inches and just over 2 pounds, or about the size of that roast you made last time your in-laws were in town.

Vegetarians apparently need to re-evaluate what they cook when those pesky in-laws are in town.

This week, your baby weighs almost 2 pounds (like a head of cauliflower) and is about 14 1/2 inches long with her legs extended. She's sleeping and waking at regular intervals, opening and closing her eyes, and perhaps even sucking her fingers. With more brain tissue developing, your baby's brain is very active now. While her lungs are still immature, they would be capable of functioning — with a lot of medical help — if she were to be born now.

At least BabyCenter is veggie friendly!

One thing I need to call the OB about, apparently, is the fact that I've been seeing spots, or floaters, off and on lately. I see her Friday, but it's on the Important List. Damn. At least Wee II is kicking!

Busy, busy

2009-04-06T13:46:00.002-04:00

First: insanity update. It's going better. It's honest-to-god, not even pretending to seem chipper here, going better. I don't know if it is the book the BT gave me on anxiety, more or different hormones, getting taxes nearly done except figuring out our home owner's insurance and my receipts, or what, but I feel like my feet are back under me. This is a relatively new feeling, just the last day or so, therefore I'm waiting to see if it stays and still going to talk to the docs. But MAN does it feel good not to feel like I'm about to lose my shit at any given minute!

I've come to some theories regarding this last episode of crazy. Here they are:

John's car troubles might have stressed me out more than I realized.
Taxes: In order to do my self employed taxes I have to go through literally every day of the past year to determine when each child arrived, who was here, when they ate, etc. Which means I went back through one of the worst years of my life day by day. I think that may have had a little to do with the panic attacks coming back. Maybe.
Hormones: I have just shifted into third trimester. Just a theory...
According to the Therapist's manual the therapist gave me, I am right in the window of relapse for people with anxiety attacks who treated their condition primarily with drugs and then stopped using those drugs. Add all these factors together, and Viola! I'm nuts.

The behaviorist for the kids/day care situation comes tonight. It is so completely worth losing my free evening to get some shit sorted out! I hope he is as wonderful as I remember him being when he taught us to get our little E to sleep at night. Tomorrow night we're celebrating my Grandmother's 80 somethingth birthday, and Wednesday it's my BT night. After that, Thursday is free, Friday is free? and this weekend we're back to PA for Easter with John's parents. Then we all colapse and sleep for as long as we can and start this shit all over again.

Two things! Thing one: Momversations. John heard one I was listening to on Dooce and told me his head almost fell off from how insipid it was. I find them mostly interesting, which leads me to believe that is you haven't gestated and squeezed a living being out of your vagina that you won't like these. If you go to Dooce, click the link on the right, listen in and let me know what you think.

Thing two: Man, this is sad. I forget thing two. How about, it's snowing here! Stupid snow. Or, um, I have lots of sewing I want to do, but need to finish a ton of crap first! Or, my sister's wedding invitations are not started! There's also: I need to buy maternity underwear, because it seems that I threw it all away last time! Why would I do that?! And lastly: I'm going to go get the mail! And look for receipts! I WANT MY TAXES FINISHED! To hell with 2008, you are over! BE GONE WITH YA! I just ate a big peice of chocolate bunny. Sugar!

30 days

2009-04-02T15:55:00.003-04:00

According to my Behavioral Therapist, is takes 30 days to change a habit. So my habit of panic attacks should take 30 days to change, starting today. He gave me the Therapist's Manual on "Mastery of Your Anxiety and Panic" and told me to heal myself if I can. He also said that cognitively I should no longer be having panic attacks because I know why I'm having them, what triggers them and exactly what I am afraid of. In short, I might just need the damn drugs.

However, since I can't see either my psychiatrist or my OB until next Friday, I am working on a plan my BT and I developed. A 30 Day Plan to change my habits and thinking, and the way I deal with stress and anxiety in general. I t helps that the boy who screams and his sister aren't here today due to appointments. That's what their Mom told me during our long talk when she picked them up yesterday, anyway. If that's not true, so be it. At least I've had a good day. It's been calm, quiet and fairly enjoyable, with a distinct lack of noise. Hurrah!

The nurse from the OB's office called me back last night, and this is why I hate talking to a nurse or other middleman. She only asked about the two drugs I was taking before pregnancy, not a treatment in general, so she told me the doc would recommend taking Lexapro and using Xanax in emergencies. She sugggested I could wean off before the baby's born? Which means she had no clue about the medication. I looked at perinatal effects on the internet last night and found some really scary stuff. All the websites mention that there are now "safe" drugs, but none of the websites listed what those drugs were. So we wait until Friday and talk to the pros face to freaking face.

My Master Gardener application came today, but the program doesn't start until next year. I'm thinking of submitting one a month until I'm accepted...would that be creepy? There are only 25 spots, and I WANT IN. I also looked at some schools both physical and internet for horticulture. The news is not good. There are two internet schools, one of which is based in the UK and charges about $800 per class. There are 10 classes a year. Three years of school. Internet school. Hell no: if I'm paying that much I want to have an instructor to beat up face to face when I need help, not someone I'd have to conference with at 3 am over the net.

It looks like the only physical schools close to me are either the HUGE institution half an hour away, or stuff that's closer but crazily out of our price range. So the MG program looks like the best shot, and I'm OK with that! 30 days of change, a potential way out, and the baby is kicking a ton. It's going to be OK. (repeat until convinced)

Also, a friend may have a way to sew and make money at it. We'll be sorting out the details after Easter. I'll post details if it looks like it's going to be a go!

Since vodka is out right now

2009-04-01T14:29:00.002-04:00

I got home after picking up John's car last night around 10. We left at 6. E fell asleep in the car about 7, barely woke up to get into her Daddy's car, and I ended up carrying her up to her room where she proceeded to sleep until this morning.

Then I lost my ever loving shit.

One thing about anxiety that chaps my ass is that once it starts rolling, it's extremely hard to stop without some sort of intervention. And by intervention I mean drugs. So I took a shower, cried, talked to John, cried, played World of Goo on the Wii and passed out. I felt a ton better this morning until problem child started screaming. I felt myself starting to tense, so I called his mom. She called back right in the middle of an attack. I was crying, telling her that he just had to stop the screaming. He. Must. Stop. This. I went on to tell her that I was trying to hold on until the behaviorist came on Monday, but I had to be honest, the screaming triggers my anxiety and I can't keep this up. She had to go into a meeting...did I want someone to come pick him up? I said no, let's wait until after nap. Even though this kid is making me feel like the world is going to end, I didn't want to let the parent down. There is something wrong with me.

I've talked to the mom again since then, and everything was fine once the dude ate and calmed down. I was doing better. Am doing better. We talked about his screeching, what she does when he has tantrums, what we do here, the behaviorist, etc. My attack is over, but I have a call in to my OB, and failing that I can call my psychiatrist back for an appointment. The first available one was in three weeks, or when the behaviorist was here. Not a great choice, that.

So I'm in a spot: is it worse to take the medicine that will keep me from acting like this, or is it worse to have the anxiety attacks? Because really, I just want to do what's best for the baby. It wasn't like this with E, and I'm afraid my current anxiety is going to cause this baby to be uptight for the rest of it's life. Which sounds extremely stupid until you're in the situation. I only have about 13 weeks left, but 13 weeks of crying and panicking every night does not seem attractive. Neither does having a newborn with seizures. I don't know what to do, which is why I employ medical doctors. When they let me know, I'll let you know.

I don't want to be like this, broken and afraid and miserable. One thing reading "It Sucked and Then I Cried" did for me was reassure me that lots of parents go through this crap. There is help. I just wish I didn't need it with the child still in the womb. I do not want anything to hurt this baby. So I feel selfish needing help, possibly drugs, to deal with life until she's out. What if the drugs hurt her? I would never forgive myself. Parenting is so full of gray areas and guilt to begin with, adding something like this is freaking unfair. Wah. WAH! Please, any deities out there, let my kids not inherit this crazy their mom has. Because it's true: It sucks and then you cry. Perfect title for parenting while dealing with mental disease.

Through all of this I've been trying to find a long-term solution to the day-care problem. The day-care problem being that I don't want to continue in this line of work forever. I don't like the hours of management, which is what I am trained in, nor do I enjoy retail, or the public in general. Making a living through sewing doesn't seem viable, so I have requested an application for the Master Gardener's program at out local extension office. If I become a Master Gardener then I might have the skills to find a job with plants after the kids are in school. Plants are quiet, they don't demand much, they are low stress and fairly stable. I love gardening, so this might be a good option for me. I want to be home with my kids until they go to school, and once they are in school be there when they get home, etc. That may or may not end up happening, but I feel better knowing I'm finding another way to bring income home. The future is hazy, and we don't always get what we want. That's fine. I'd rather be a good parent and work outside the home than a lousy parent that's always around.

Wow~mind crap dump post. If you've made it this far you deserve a chocolate milkshake! Thanks for listening. I really will let you know what the docs say, once I hear. I hope you never go through this particular conundrum.

Yep, recalculating

2009-03-31T13:26:00.002-04:00

Last night I drove about 95 miles to go pick up my husband and child. The alternator that the one place put in was faulty and the car died again while John was driving home. So my vegan husband and child spent about 2 hours at a Hardee's, and they survived. E was tired, upset about the car and dirty. John was surprisingly chipper about the while thing. I think this weekend may have beaten him. So for now we're down to one car. John starts school tonight, we pick up his newly repaired car tomorrow night, and then we try to move on. Up until nap-time today I was doing just great with all of this, but nap has been horrible and I'm all too quickly wearing down again. I'm fighting it, though. Fight! Fight! Fight!

I desperately want to sew tonight. I want to finish that baby blanket, start on E's new wiener dog dress and my diaper bag. I also want to indulge in some vices, but that's not going to happen, either. Well, chocolate will happen. Beer will not. Nope, tonight I'm going to work on taxes as fast and hard as I can because my sister may be coming up this weekend to get them done for us. One does not turn away free taxes done by a honest to god CPA, especially with that whole free part. But I HATE the way you have to figure shit out for a home based day care. BLECK. Sewing will have to wait.

I love Moda fabric. Just needed to throw that in there.

And now I'm off, because I need to email a bunch of people about all the crap that needs to change because of car, taxes, etc. May your week be pain free...

Recharge complete; recalculating

2009-03-30T13:01:00.002-04:00

First and foremost: This weekend ROCKED. I knew I needed a break, but I had no idea how badly. Beck did an awesome job talking me through some residual anxiety. Aside from that, we had a blast.

My Mom lent me her "Australian" which is her GPS thingy. She needed me to pick up some miniature horse trophies for her out in BFE, so I got to be all cool and techie for the weekend. Beck and I used it a lot, but there were a few quirks. Like the "highway" that was a gravel road. So part of the time we ignored the Australian.

Friday we went to the soap place and spent time sniffing, buying and sniffing some more. I love that soap! We also went to dinner with my sister and her fiance', and to Whole Foods. And then back to Beck's where she made a fire. It was wonderful.

Saturday we picked up the trophies, went to Amish country for fabric, cheese, more fabric and some candy. It was a gorgeous drive Australian aside, and we had lots of time to talk, laugh and just catch up. When we got home Beck helped me make a little blanket for the impending Wee, and we watched part of Lethal Weapon 4 after some cartoons. It was, again, wonderful! Once the blanket is finished I'll post pictures. Hopefully.

Sunday we had breakfast at a local place with the best fries and milkshakes ever. I also had a gardenburger with extra pickles...YUM! Then we did a little de-cluttering at Beck's and I headed home happy, relaxed and recharged.

As Beck and I talked and drove, we kept frustrating that GPS unit to no end. Everytime you ignore his directions he announces "recalculating" and then gives you new directions. Beck had a good point after one of these instances. She told me I just needed to recalculate after a bad day or moment. Ahhh, the wisdom of the best friend and GPS! I also got to see my quilt peices. Too cool! I can't wait to try it out, once it's done. Girl has some talent!

Right after I left Beck's I got a call from John, who took E to see her Bubba and Poppy (his parents, and they picked what they wanted called) this weekend. On the way to his parent's house his battery died. While driving. He got it replaced and went on to his parents. Sunday, as I turned off Becks street he called again, saying they were just crossing the state line andwould be home in a little over 3 hours. The he said "OH CRAP!" and said it might be later. The battery died while he was driving again. It turns out his alternator was dead or fried or something. No one could fix it on Sunday. So he and E got towed back to his parent's house and it's getting fixed today. I miss my family, and this has put my husband in what one might call "a fine mood." One might also call it something other than that, but only if one was not near my husband at the time. E has also decided to wake up at 1 amd 3 am for the last few nights. So John is tired on top of everything else. I'm staying home tonight and taking care of both the girl and her Daddy, because I now have the reserve to do that.

This weekend rocked! Not for John, poor guy, but I can help out now that I am rested and recharged. Recalculating!

Books and advice and Rolos. Ha HA!

2009-03-26T14:54:00.003-04:00

My behavioral therapist wasn't much help last night. He told me I was doing all the right stuff to deal with the anxiety, but none of it was going to help unless I could reduce or eliminate the triggers in my day.

That would be the screaming.

You see, screaming that keeps going tells your body you are in danger. Your primal reaction can't be stopped, and that reaction is "OH shit! Need to end the danger!" It's classic Flight or Fight. No matter how much your frontal lobe wants to let you know you're really not in danger, you can't change the body's response if the trigger (screaming) doesn't stop. In short: I'm fucked.

Suggestions dude came up with:

Become an eBay seller.
Raise prices on problem children.
See what the child behaviorist has to say, see of it works.
Get rid of problem children.
Get a new job of some sort.
Take the daycare to the next level, hire employees and MANAGE the daycare. Instead of dealing with the children myself.

For obvious reasons, some of those will work and some won't. There were a few others, but htey didn't stick. I was a little frustrated when I left his office, and after getting more wedding stuff together for my sister's invitation samples I went to Barnes and Noble.

Between 10 pm last night and 2 pm today I read Heather Armstrong's book "It Sucked and Then I Cried." Because I do that; I read scarily fast for not being a speed reader. So a novel in under 24 hours is only going that slow because I have to sleep and watch children.

If you are going to have children, read this book. Or if you have children. Or if you run a daycare by yourself and need some comforting reassurance that you are not the only person to have ever gone insane about children, read this book. I laughed so hard at parts of it that I ended up doing the Snagglepuss laugh, which means I was wheezing out laughter and not breathing back in again. I had tears running down my face and almost passed out, because I just couldn't breathe in. Then I collapsed into a bawling puddle on the couch, letting out all the tension and stress of the last week. Pregnancy hormones are crazy!

I also bought "Gardening at the Dragon's Gate." It's a buddhist book on gardening and life that my yoga teacher recomended a while back. I've seen it on some Buddhist websites, too, that just raved about it. You know, as much as Buddhists rave. So it's next, but based on the size of it I'm guessing it'll take me a week to read. It's a big book, and not as story oriented as Heather's. (Go buy Dooce's book! NOW!)

Today has been markedly better than the last three. Thanks for the support, both in comments and in calls! It means a lot to have any sort of connection to other people, people who lack penises and make things and know how to read. I'm not sure if it was the realization that I am not the only person who has dealt with post-partum, even tough I knew that; or the kids responding to my behavior plan, or just the gorious movement of the cosmos, but I am grateful. I am grateful for a day that will end with a pinata we made and painted and filled. A day with less screaming, less crazy, less stress. A day that will turn into a tomorrow where I will have TWO WHOLE DAYS child free. I love these guys! I needed a break. and now, it's time to get these guys up and have a fiesta.

Have a great weekend, and I'll see you on the other side!

One. Day. Left.

2009-03-25T14:33:00.003-04:00

I just finished (I hope) the biggest nosebleed I have ever had. Gusher doesn't even start to describe it. After a frantic dash for tissues, cleaning up and sitting for 20 minutes with a compress on my nose, I can now use two hands again. Whew. Did you know that you double the amount of blood volume during pregnancy? That's why so many preggos have nosebleeds. And now you know.

This week has been a doozy. Today problem boy starting taking toys from others and hitting others with toys. He's spent a lot of time in "isolation" which is a new tool we're trying. It's a high chair that's faced away from everyone else in the corner of the room. We ignore the screaming until its over, reinforce the rule that was broken, and then get back to life. It seems to be working, but my head hurts from the damn screaming. This kid needs to get the hell over that. Now. But the whole week has been testing and fighting and the like. The week before time off is always the worst, and I'm only taking 1 day off!

I'm starting to look at other stay at home options, too. I want to be here for E and the new Wee coming, but this day care thing may not be MY thing. I love the kids, the time outside, etc. I don't love the noise, fighting, parents that expect you to potty train their kids FOR them and fuck it all up at home, again, etc. I'm not good at not being the boss, either. Not sure what the options are, but maybe the BT can give me some ideas tonight. If not, I may start massive internet research.

Taxes have been started! I'm so tired.

Priorities?

2009-03-24T13:41:00.002-04:00

Ah, hell, I have no idea what to do first, last, or in between. This week we're getting estimates on having some painting and repairs done to the exterior of the house, and I need to work on taxes. I also need to get some invitation stuff done, but I'm already behind on that because yesterday evening didn't work out. Let's just say that when I got to my Mom's house for a quick stuff pick-up last night she was ready to pull out the whiskey. My Mom is not a drinking woman. I stayed for a bit. All is well now!

In unrelated news, I am 25 weeks pregnant and my boobs hurt like hell. The first time you are pregnant you get itchy boob. This time I feel like someone is trying to stuff these babies full of something. Milk, maybe? Ugh. DO NOT LOOK AT MY BOOBS. THAT WILL MAKE THEM HURT MORE!

Come on Friday...

Whoops!

2009-03-23T15:26:00.002-04:00

I realized today that I've taken an unintentional break here. Perhaps it was the spring cleaning, the warm air or the fact that I've been exhausted lately. Perhaps it's that my sister is getting married and I suddenly have a lot to do, aside from baby stuff and taxes. Or, perhaps, my brain is more holes than substance. Who knows?

All is well here. The baby is kicking, E is rocking, John is trying his best at auditions for Voice Over stuff, and life keeps moving on. The behaviorist will be here April 6th, amen. I have Friday off, and am going to see Beck, amen. We're going to an awesome soap shop, and to amish country, and to see my sister. Movies and milkshakes and cheese fries, oh my! And while I wish there would be more drinking, I'm willing to wait. And just seeing Beck is like a kegger for my mind, anyway.

I'm working on wedding invitations, a bridal shower, a bachelor-ette party, figuring out what to wear since I'm having a baby 12 weeks before the wedding and can't try anything on now, and those damn taxes. Also, a baby blanket, a layette for a friend, and probably a few other things. Good thing my ass is finally in gear! I finally cleaned the counter tops in our bathroom last night after *coughcough* 6 months *coughcough.* to be fair, all the other bathrooms have been cleaned in that time, several times. Mine was just low priority. I'm off to take the kids outside and write a list of everything I need to do. Hooray for warm weather, lots of things to be happy about, and dirt!

For the love of sanity

2009-03-10T21:23:00.003-04:00

Something clicked today. The daycare has been a fuck of a lot saner with 2 kids yesterday and 3 kids today. I should have 4 kids tomorrow. If I do, and all goes fairly well, I'm having a talk with one or two people next week.

One person is the behaviorist that helped us get E to sleep through the night. He specializes in kids, and might be able to help me with the day care problems I have. Like nap time, tantrums, time outs and other general stress inducing times. Nap time is the big one, but I could use some help un general.

The other person I'll be having a serious conversation with is the mom of the problem boy. The boy who wouldn't be here if I didn't adore his mother so much. I have been sleeping better, calmer and happier without that kid here. I haven't been dreading my day, which is something I didn't know I was doing until this week. My plan is to see how Friday goes, and maybe early next week. His grandmother ran a daycare for nearly two decades, and if she hasn't sent advice back then it's time for a Come to Jesus talk. His behavior needs to improve drastically. The screaming needs to stop, the destroying things needs to stop, and he needs to stop screaming. He also needs to stop climbing the walls and furniture. I don't want to lose this family, but I also don't want to lose my mind.

I'm thinking I might call the doctor first, see if he's be willing to help, and then talk to the parents of The Screamer and see how they would feel about some help. I just can't go on with things the way they have been, especially with the new 8 month old that just started and the baby on the way. I have no idea how I would pay for behavioral therapy for a day care, however. If I need to save my pennies I will, though, because I'd like to make this work. And I know it can; the last two days have been fabulous.

Now, if I could just remember to do my taxes and where I left that thing I was looking for...

I'll just slip out sideways

2009-03-10T08:10:00.002-04:00

"Seeing you like this
without warning
Is like catching a sniff of Tequila in the morning
But I'll try, try to keep my food down
It's quite an aftertaste you left
Now that you're not around." -Crash Test Dummies (I'll Think I'll Disappear Now)

First, yes, I like the Crash Test Dummies. Second, this song has reminded me of running into an ex. Which I did on Sunday. This is no little ex, either. This was the guy I dated for four years during and after high school. The guy that proposed twice. The one who made me immune to crying guys and wary of liars. Also, the one who liked to wait until I was asleep and do things. To me. In uncomfortable places. I slept very lightly for a long time after finding out why I had all that pain and bleeding, and it wasn't colon cancer. In short, this guy was a colossal ass.

I had just dropped E off at my Moms for the night, and a friend and I were grabbing some chips for the kick-ass vegan queso John made. I was telling her how I used to be afraid to shop/visit this town, because I didn't want to see people I'd never had anything in common with, or that asshole. I then told her a story about me ducking down under the steering wheel at a stoplight as that asshole drove by, while on the phone to Beck, who was chastising me for still being afraid of that asshole. Etc etc etc. Guess who then walked right by friend and I? Yep, said asshole. Whose face was red, with veins sticking out of his neck and forehead. Obviously he had heard. I yelled something about "speak of the devil" and "It's (insert his name here)!" Then I grabbed my friend and got the fuck out of dodge as quickly as possible.

On one hand, it looks like I may have made the guy's day take a turn for the worse. Karmically, not a great move on my part. On the other hand, as John pointed out, this might be his karma coming back to get him. I am not the only person he has been an ass to. I would have prefered a more dignified exchange, or at least to have yelled "I'm six months pregnant!" at the end, barring dignity.

It was nice to come home to my husband, and to know that I can trust him, that he understands love as a two way street, a partnership. This is the man that thought I was worth pursuing for ten years, that I am proud to be with, to bear his children. This man has never cheated on me, listens to me and values my opinion, and finds me to be an intelligent person. I feel the same way about him. I could go on. But after thinking about how lucky I am, I just end up feeling sorry for the ex I ran into. Whether I want to or not, I still hear a few things through the proverbial grape vine, and he still does the same stuff he did to me in his new relationships. He is a disingenous, saccrine person, and has sabatoged every chance at happiness he has had. Even his parents speak poorly about him now. It must be a sad life. I spend a lot of my time wishing for all beings to live inpeace and happiness, and this guy is no exception. Is it his fault his life is like this? Hell yes. But despite that, I hope he finds his way someday. That way I can feel better about calling him an asshole to his face, as it were, without meaning to. My intention was never to cause more pain.

I'm going to go play with the new baby now. Having an 8 month old girl at the day care rocks! And we keep on moving on...

6 months / 23 weeks / < 17 to go!

2009-03-08T13:40:00.002-04:00

Six months pregnant hit me like a brick fucking wall.

My hips ache, my back aches, I keep falling asleep while reading to my kid, and the baby is already kicking so hard John can feel her. I can see every vein in my boobs (size E?! Jesus!) and my hands, and am starting to see some in my arms. My hair looks very close to what I'd call "fried poodle" probably because I haven't had the energy to redo the purple lately.

Despite all this, I am one happy lady.

The hormones must have finally kicked in full force. I'm not having panic attacks (KNOCK ON WOOD) I'm laid back, I'm coasting right along. The baby kicks are awesome! I miss those after birth. I'm sleeping a lot better, and food is mostly good. Kid's got a sweet tooth. My brain is on hiatus most of the time, however, but that isn't bothering me a lot. It's hard to think for more than 30 seconds on anything serious, but hell, there will be time for that later, right?

Well, I'm off to shower. It's almost 2 in the afternoon, and I'm in all my PJ'd glory, and John's friends will be here any minute. Don't care! I'm looking at it like a before and after show for them. Before: me in all my pregnant disheveled glory. After: me in all my clean pregnant glory.

Then I'll take a nap.

Plans and Mwah hah haaaaa

2009-03-03T14:08:00.002-05:00

I'm a dangerous lady when I set my mind to something. So here I am, about to be dangerous again...

And I need your help.

I am giving day care one more year. Either I have to reduce the number of kids, or I need to figure out something else to do. Today was the topper with the boys; one goose egg and one split lip. Not bad, actually, but I've had it with running after kids who are TRYING TO HURT THEMSELVES. The good news is that I haven't had a panic attack!! The problem is that people keep telling me that this is going to get better. When the kids get older. When so and so are potty trained. When when when.

My mantra can't be "This will get better." I'm nearly freaking Buddhist. I want to live in the moment. Not spend all my time hoping for some later date when I won't be just barely holding on! My choices are:

Raise my prices and watch fewer children
find a part time job and watch fewer children
find some other way to work from home and watch only my own children
win the lottery
keep going like this until I lose my tiny mind

Can you see any other options? I'd love some input, because while I'm working on numbers and the like on my end, a different set of eyes can always see more. Halp!

In the middle ages, they just hit each other in the head

2009-03-01T16:26:00.003-05:00

I remember having a cold while pregnant with E, and thinking that it was the worst cold in human history. I would lay in bed, moaning and coughing, wondering what people did before drugs. There's a very limited list of things you can take while pregnant, and none of them seem to work very well. Or for very long. As I am now being reminded, for again, I have the worst cold in human history. I think it's the same bastard cold, in fact. The only reason I'm sitting up writing this is my very rational belief that ifI lie down the snot will overwhelm me and I'll have it coming out my ears.

And you're welcome for that image.

Tomorrow Mom is coming over so I can hopefully go see the doctor in the probably futile attempt to see if there is anything that can be done. If nothing else, she said she'd let me take a nap.

In non-snot-related news, the baby is kicking up a storm! All last night at the Ice Rink the baby just kicked away, so the Sudafed must not be working for her, either. Last night we took the girls ice skating, which will happen again when I rule my own private country, am a millionaire and have the body of an 18 year old vixen. Oh, we'll take E again, she did fantastic! She didn't want to hold Daddy's hand, she HOPPED on her own!! and she generally did a wonderful job. Her friend, however, who I know can skate on her own because her family told me so and also because she's been skating at least 10 times, would drop to the ice and scream every time John let go of her hand. She's a drama queen, that kid. Except at the very end, when she skated right to me with no problem.

I wasn't out on the ice because I'm pregnant, by back is already in a delicate place, and we decided to play it safe. I was worn out just watching the three of them stutter-start-fall-scream-HOP!-get picked up-start-repeat around the first quarter of the ice rink. E seems to have inherited some of her aunt's ability on the ice. Her aunt apparently won competitions, or at least did very well in them. John did pretty well on the ice, too. He won a gold medal when he was 4, and some of that talent was still showing last night. Me + Ice = instant concussion. I wanted to skate, though. It looked like so much fun! Plus, John REALLY could have used the extra hand. Maybe after the baby.

Oh, and next time she sleeps over we're going to the damn zoo.

On my own again...

2009-02-27T21:23:00.002-05:00

I finally did it! I got John the hell out of the house for an overnight trip for FUN! He's down at his friend's house now, over an hour away, and I am about to clean up the kitchen and fold laundry. Ordinarily I'd be getting drunk and pulling pranks on my neighbors by moving their lawn ornaments around, but there's the whole pregnant/parent/day care owners shouldn't get arrested thing now.

E and I had a great night, too. We decorated a candle with beeswax strips and little wax cutters, then burned it as a dinner candle. We read books, tried and failed to build a house of cards, did a puzzle and ate a PB & J dinner. After watching "Peanut butter jelly time!" of course. Then we read Beatrix Potter stories and she went to bed while I changed the sheets on my bed and got ready to do laundry by cleaning my room. I lead an exciting life, people. Tomorrow E and I are going out to buy a new washer. WATCH OUT!

After having the stomach flu and getting a UTI last week, I am now the proud owner of what seems to be a head/chest cold. I have that horrible ears/inner throat itch, my throat is sore and I'm drippy. Luckily the pregnant can take Sudafed. Otherwise today, which included 3 teething kids, one of whom is failing miserably at potty training and behavior in general, and 3 (FREAKING THREE) accidents for E, I'd be dead. It turns out one of the kids was getting less ibuprofen than he should have, has mass amounts of fluid in his ears and probably has the same cold I do. Poor dude. Needs to quit screaming. I thought I was going to lose my mind for the last 4 hours he was here.

Tomorrow's activities include the washer purchase, a "fancy" lunch at Olive Garden (WHY is this her eatery of choice? There's Indian food just down the street!) and then, major of majors, her best friend is sleeping over. We're taking them Ice skating tomorrow night to wear them the hell out. John will be back by then, because there is no way my pregnant ass, or more precisely, my pregnant back, can handle bending over that much for that ling on a slippery surface. If John had decided to stay away the whole weekend it would have been a symphony, a movie or the zoo. But he needs to study for finals, so I get help. YAY!

And a last note, since finals are next week for John, I am taking E with me to go look at wedding dresses for my sister. E's the flower girl, so she's going to need a dress, too. Yesterday we were looking at a natural toy catalog and she spotted little dolls dressed like flowers.
"FLOWER GIRLS!" she screamed.
I'm not sure her epectations of what being a flower girl is are entirely realistic.

Good weekend all!

Like NKOTB

2009-02-26T15:43:00.002-05:00

So, I managed not to actually alienate my friends, John's super cool microphone came in the mail today, and I've ordered the stuff I need to figure out those pesky self-employed taxes.

Yesterday I got the stuff sent in for pre-school for E; we'll know Friday if she made it or is on the waiting list. I've remembered to take my antibiotics for the most part, I'm sewing again and so far I've remembered to put on all my clothes in the morning.

In short, I feel like I'm finally getting myself back together.

Pregnancy brain is insidious. It makes you forget everything, and you can feel it happening. Lately I've slowly started to feel my brain reconnecting; those neural paths that were shaken are coming back together nicely. It's a nice change!

E has been a super helper today! So I'm going to go read her a story, talk to you soon!

I'm a pro

2009-02-25T18:34:00.001-05:00

I may have managed to alienate 2 friends in one day by being honest when I thought they asked me to. It's a skill.

Damn.

My husband has an agent

2009-02-25T08:42:00.002-05:00

I've mentioned John used to be in Radio. He was a DJ, but he had the most fun creating, producing, recording and editing spots. There's a lot he misses about radio, but I think that particular creative outlet is what he misses the most. Plus, he can do a lot of funny and entertaining voices. (The trick is to be funny AND entertaining. Not annoying.) So when he finally ripped another copy of his demo CD and sent it to a talent agency, I was excited for him. And nervous as hell.

What if he wasn't good enough? I know a lot about V/O stuff, and radio, advertising blah blah blah, but I know very little about talent agency crap.

The good news is that he had an interview and then orientation yesterday! He has his very own Talent AGENT! Other people use her too, but you know what I mean. His stuff should be up on their website today, they have a good rep and a good stable, and the money situation is just as it should be. John bought a good mike for his impending studio last night, and we're going to look at computers this weekend so that he can get his home studio set up. This is not the dream studio, just something that will work until. Hopefully there will be an until!

I'm proud of my dude. And also: I am sick of winter.

UTI and jumping on the wagon

2009-02-22T16:59:00.002-05:00

I ended up going to the Urgent Care Friday night. I have a U.T.I., it took them all of 30 seconds to confirm it. I want to call all my doctors and scream "I fucking told you so!" Bastards. John brought me cranberry juice, which I've been sucking down in mass amounts. I'm just starting to feel like I don't have to pee all the time. I've also been sleeping a ton, which makes me think the UTI was ready for a fight by the time the antibiotics got to the party. I say again: Bastards!

So, I thought about doing this when Sundry did it, but by the time it got to Indie Home Ec I had no choice. So here, the thing I never do, a meme:

What are your middle names?
Irene and William.

How long have you been together?
Eight and a half years as a couple.

How long did you know each other before you started dating?
We met when I was 13 and he was 14. So, 10 years? I hate Math.

Who asked whom out?
He asked me out for ten years. Until he was about to give up and I surprised him by telling him we had, in fact, just been on a date.

How old are each of you?
I'm 30, he is 32 today.

Whose siblings do you see the most?
Crap shoot. It's about equal, he has 4 and mine lives only a couple hours away, so we see my sister and some of his siblings fairly often.

Which situation is the hardest on you as a couple?
We differ in "semantics" which means we argue a lot while saying the same thing. Also, we are both stubborn, stubborn people and one of us suggesting that the other do something differently usually results in one of our heads exploding.

Did you go to the same school?
Briefly, in high school. 2 years. Just enough to date, not like it, then change our minds and start dating again right when I found out I had to move, again. He went to college less than 20 minutes from where I moved to, and still swears he didn't know. The rest of the world know different.

Are you from the same home town?
No. I moved all over. He's from Western PA.

Who is smarter?
I'd say him, he says me. It depends on whether you want to use power tools (ask me) or know how to get somewhere (ask him.) We complement each other this way until it makes others ill.

Who is the most sensitive?
I cry more, he broods. So me, I think. His head is a vault.

Where do you eat out most as a couple?
A south Indian place that is the best place ever. They've known E since she was born, and ask after her if we go without her. Best. Food. Ever.

Where is the furthest you two have traveled together as a couple?
Mexico. We don't go far.

Who has the craziest exes?
Me. He only has a couple, and I dated assholes.

Who has the worst temper?
I have a short fuse, but John's is legendary once it finally gets going. So...

Who does the cooking?
John cooks 98% of our meals. I cook breakfast, lunch and two snacks for the daycare kids every day.

Who is the neat-freak?
Does not apply. I get sick of clutter and mess faster, but we are not neat people. Holly Lynne's pantry is my fantasy.

Who is more stubborn?
I'd say John. Because when I asked him he refused to answer and danced away.

Who hogs the bed?
I hog the bed. He takes the covers and pushes them off the end.

Who wakes up earlier?
John, by far. I'd sleep all day if not roused by my husband and child.

Where was your first date?
Some little Italian place, Vesuvio's we think, just before going to see Jurrasic Park. One of us got a sliced black olive stuck to our forehead during the food fight.

Who is more jealous?
I guess I am, because I've birthed a child and am preggers with another. When John worked in Radio drunk skinny chicks would offer nefarious things for free T-shirts, and it only bothered me once or twice. Usually when John and I were fighting anyway. But we trust each other, and there's a lot of love, so it's never really been an issue.

How long did it take to get serious?
10+ years, but once I agreed to date him I knew we'd be getting married.

Who eats more?
Me. Pregnant. No willpower.

Who does the laundry?
Me. He's on school and helps when he can.

Who’s better with the computer?
HIM. I'm more the "what does this button do?" ilk.

Who drives when you are together?
Him. Like a Grandma, but he's getting better!

The stats

2009-02-20T14:36:00.003-05:00

# of weeks pregnant: 21
# of stomach flues during that time: 3
# of foods I know will never eat again: 14

And I woke up this morning with what appears to be a bladder infection that I can't do anything about until tomorrow when I get an emergency appt with the doc. Hooray for fucking me today. Wait, that didn't come out right.

On the bright side, I still feel baby kicking around in there, so all is good.

Funny story about stomach flu:

Wednesday I thought perhaps I was still being affected by some smells. Every time I caught a whiff of vanilla soy yogurt I would barf. I figured it was no biggie, so after the kids were gone I ate a little spaghetti and went to my cognitive behavioral therapist session. My first one. By the time I got there I wasn't sure if I was going to barf or pee my pants. In fact, had I not had to pee so badly I probably would have barfed in the bushes out front, because there was no bathroom. It was after hours and the door to the therapist's area was locked until they were ready for me, so I had to pace until someone opened the door. I darted in screaming "BATHROOM!" and believe me, I used the hell out of that facility. Still being to daft to realize I was actually sick, I went ahead with my appointment. By the time the hour was over I had puked another 3 times. By then I had a clue that maybe I was ill. My dude was really nice and took it all in stride, and it seems like he'll be able to help me out quite a bit. Which is great.

Another great thing? John was a fantastic nurse this time. He checked on me, was nice, stayed home from work yesterday and even offered to stay home today! I slept almost all day yesterday, and was in bed last night before 8. And I slept all night. Aside from the bladder infection, I fell great today! Well, there's the anxiety about telling one of the parents that her kid scratched mine. Let it go let it go let it go....

I think tonight will be an early night. Tomorrow I have a class to teach, an emergency appointment to pee in a cup, and lots of crap I'm forgetting. I also need to get stuff ready for John's birthday, which is Sunday. He doesn't like big to-do's, which is good this year since I'm freaking last minute. Plus, he's a hard dude to shop for.

Man, I'm beat. Hope you have a great weekend, and I'll see you on the flip side.

Happy blarg!

2009-02-17T18:03:00.004-05:00

At the end of the day I often need 5 to 10 minutes alone. I don't mean by myself, I mean just not being asked for something every 10 seconds. Left alone. I can be near my family, I just don't want them to talk to me. I still love them, but after 10 hours of constant demands, I need to have none. I think 5 to 10 minutes is fair. This, friends, is my time tonight.

Last night I went out with a friend to JoAnn's. Simplicity patterns were on sale for $1. I bought 7? Around that. 2 layette set patterns, some dresses and outfits for E, a bonnet pattern and a stuffed animal thing with 3 patterns. I'm excited to get sewing! I'm also making a doll for E to bring home from the hospital (as I may have mentioned) and I'm making E, the doll and the baby co-coordinating outfits. Right now I'm deciding what to make first, outfits for E and baby or doll. Don't know yet.

I also need to get started knitting that baby blanket.

I have great news: I have a new client! The 8 month old I interviewed yesterday...well, I interviewed her parents. She sat around being cute. Anyway, they have decided to start with me in March, and while it's starting out as part time, it has the potential to go full time. Plus, laid back family. I can tell because how the interview went. 1) Danger boy did a face plant out of a high chair. 2) E had 2 temper tantrums while they were here. At one point the Mom said to the Dad: "See what we're in for?" Great. 3) 4 year old decided to test me while they were here by doing the opposite of what I said or ignoring me. At one point she started a tug-o-war with E over a toy they wanted to give the baby. 4) I have pregnant brain. After the deal was over and the family had left, no one napped and my kid managed to somehow poop all over the toilet seat. But the family was nice!

Hopefully this will work out, because I really liked those three.

We still can't pick a name. I'm starting a list. Dinner time!

The only time I'm not all about narcotics

2009-02-16T12:16:00.002-05:00

It turns out that Excedrin Migraine isn't so safe for pregnancy after 24 to 26 weeks or so. The new OB said it can cause a disruption of blood flow between the placenta and baby. a mild narcotic is safer.

Let's go over this again...a narcotic is safer. WTF? So now I have a massive headache and I'm afraid to take the pill because it's a narcotic. If it knocks me the hell out, how is it safer for the baby? This is where the trust comes in. This woman seems to know what she's doing when it comes to medicine, so when she says it is better to take this other thing, this thing that can be addictive and make me loopy, it's safer than the OTC stuff, I have to trust her.

Now, normally I'm all about the drugs. I haven't met a painkiller that wasn't my friend. Maybe it's the fibromyalgia, or the fact that I just like the good stuff, but non-pregnant and nursing I'm all about better living through chemistry. I have to be, given the depression and anxiety disorder. But I am fairly crunchy in the hippie sense when it comes to being knocked up. So I have a headache and I'm not taking the pill for it until I feel like dying. Stupid hazards.

One of the reasons I'm so careful about what I take now is the posibility of addiction. I don't want to harm my child, and even more, I don't want my kid to see me struggle with those monsters. John and I have watched several people we care about fight their demons with drugs and alcohol, and that's not what I want for my kids. I like to drink, I like to be pain free and I like being rational. I don't think those things have to be exclusive of each other. But I'm also terrified that one day I will suddenly spiral out of control and just get addicted to something, like I did with cigarettes. One day, no biggie. The next day: smoke or kill. It took John and I six months of constant fighting to finally be free of that crazy slippery slope feeling, and I still wish I could smoke. But I won't. Not even one, because I know how hard it was to stop. How out of control I felt, and how emotionally wraught I was. That fear is compounded when there is a Wee Leetle Baby inside me. I'm afraid to risk too much, and the word "narcotic" has a lot of connotations. Can I be responsible? Sure. I am all the time. But there's still that little voice, warning me that any addictive substance could be the one...and do I really want that? Hell no.

I read a story not long ago about a woman working in a prison. She was a recovering drug addict, and had smoked Meth while pregnant. It was horrible. As a parent you are always second guessing yourself, and wondering how you could do a better job. That story spooked me to no end, because the character talked about how she knew she was doing something horrible and couldn't stop. Perhaps it's not so much my particular situation that worries me so much, but the fact that the situation in the story can and does happen. More often that any of us would like. Watching someone destroy their own life is hard. Knowing that it could happen to anyone, that addiction is blind and merciless, that's the scary part. An addict has fucked up. Big Time. But it's also not their fault, entirely. Woe, and misery. Fortunatly it won't happen to most of us. It's a sick lottery, though.

Well, that's my fuzzy bunny thought pile for today. Later we can talk about AIDS or abortion, kay?

Wait for it...

2009-02-13T17:48:00.002-05:00

It turns out this doctor doesn't do ultrasounds every visit. Or at all, unless they think it's "medically necessary." But we talked our way into one, and we now have some very pretty pictures of baby's

profile
umbilical cord
face
tummy
foot
labia

Yep, labia. It's even labeled on the picture. It's a girl! Mostly, the new OB wouldn't say to count on it. But it's a pretty clear picture! I'm going to try to scan what we have in once E is finished with her Mickey Mouse game. (Up yours, Disney, for making a game that has no volume control and an apparent minimum - ear bleed - setting.) She wanted a brother, so she's a bit irritated with us for producing a sister creature. We told her it wasn't our choice...the baby decided to be a girl just like her. That went a long way towards making things better.

Holy crap I'm worn out after today. More later, and make sure you cash in all your bets!

Appointment is at 2:30 EST today!

2009-02-13T08:46:00.001-05:00

You know, I had a bunch to write about, but now it's all gone from my head.

20 weeks

2009-02-12T17:50:00.002-05:00

Hot damn, I'm officially halfway there!

For the past week my back has been threatening to give out, and it aches. But aside from that, I'm feeling great. I have more energy, food tastes good for the most part, and I'm starting to feel that sense of calm.

Except for the baby name thing, and some of the dreams I'm having. Still a little worked up over those.

I'm still having headaches every few days, but I've finally come to my senses and stopped waiting to see if the migraine will go away on its own. No ma'am. I take my Excedrin now as soon as I notice. Otherwise I'm in for hours of pain and nausea while dealing with a toddler. Not smart. The nose bleeds have also slowed down, after culminating in a double gusher a few days ago that had parents and kids alike asking me if I needed help. Since then I've been able to blow my nose without fear and a dozen tissues in the morning, which has been wonderful.

The baby is kicking up a storm now. Last night while finishing up E's new book bag I felt something so strong I thought dinner was staging a revolution. Nope, baby did a backflip or something. The big clue was the following five minutes of thumps. I guess it was exercise time!

Depending on which website you visit, baby is the size of:

A can of Red Bull (What I would give...not until I'm done nursing, though. 1.5 years + 20 weeks give or take...)
Small cantaloupe

I remember more food comparisons last time, but perhaps in the past three to four years that has fallen out of vogue. Let's see, I'm not worried about stretch marks because I still look like someone threw spaghetti at my stomach. They never really went away, they just were less red for a while. I'm breaking out like a champ, still. I'm not getting the same sexy dream quota as last time, but I'm also not dreaming about every jerk I ever dated. It works out.

I'm nervous about tomorrow, because I'm desperate to know if baby is a boy or girl. I hope the little one cooperates! The great name debate goes on and on and on. I'm also waiting to find out if we need a new wardrobe for this one, or if we can re-use the small mountain of pink we've held onto just in case. Also, WTF do I do if we're having a boy? THEY ARE INSANE. I know I'll feel differently about a product of my own body, but damn. The two I watch right now are about to have me in fits. What will I do with another?! E would be pleased, though. All her friends have brothers.

John's off taking his midterm for Algebra II, A Graphing Approach. E is at her Grandma's. I'm going to go take a bath and shave my legs. It won't be long before that's a real challenge!

Nap time is the new black

2009-02-11T18:27:00.002-05:00

I finally got the kids down for nap today, and then proceeded to order three books on Buddhist parenting skillz. Yes, I used a z on the end of that word. You may throw up now.

I need some help, frankly. I'm not the Mom or caregiver I want to be during the day anymore, and that makes me impossibly sad. It's also frustrating, because I opened this day care for some very specific reasons, most of which involved making a wonderful and peaceful place for children. I've been through a lot over the last couple of years, and I have accidentally gotten farther from those goals than I realized. So I'm coming back to myself, and calming the hell down. With the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy starting next week for anxiety and dealing with frustration and anger, plus the books I'm currently reading and the ones coming, I'm optimistic. Plus, that second trimester mojo is starting to work.

I've been sewing a lot more lately; two roll ups, two book bags and some general repairs to clothing. The first pics I took of the knitting needle rolls were blurry, and I've been lazy since then. Once again, that's why I started a craft blog: to make cool shit I never show you. *taunt*

Dinner is ready, and then E and I are making Valentines for her friends. Hooray!

2009-02-10T14:45:00.002-05:00

I am eating tiny frozen Heath bars.

I just finished 2 cheese and tomato sandwiches, and needed some sugar because I am ready to throw a certain 18 month old into a FedEx box and ship him anywhere but here. True story: his parents were going to have more kids until they got to know him. They are finished.

It's not that this kid isn't sweet and wonderful, he is. He is also the most stubborn and persistent child that doesn't sleep, ever. He also likes to climb and jump and he laughs when he runs face first into walls. He has already given himself a concussion, and his mom has asked the doctor about helmets because we both thought he might be giving himself brain damage with all his high jinx. He also loves to ice skate. But that's beside the point. The point is: if I didn't love his mother so very much I would have kicked him out of here ages ago. He doesn't talk, he screams, he whines, he has a shit explosion nearly every week and sometimes more than that, and if he isn't one of the cutest kids ever I'm a monkey. But it's mighty fucking frustrating, cute or no.

So...how're you? Aside from toddler of doom, I'm good! The thought of flour made me throw up two days ago, and it's been uphill from there. I see the doc Friday. I am nervous. Come on, baby, cooperate! Show us your bits! John and I have been debating names in our spare time. Names that are out: Madeline - too popular. Indira - John says too exotic. Winnifred - hell no says me. We're not having a ton of luck with boy names. John likes a few, and I'm not really crazy about any of them. Whether or not it's an issue is yet to be seen.

Well, all kids are awake, thank you problem child. On the bright side we're in the January thaw, so it's nice outside. In the 50's! And we're going to bake some bread, and work on our scarecrow. It'll be a nice afternoon...

pregnant brain and great freaking news

2009-02-07T17:58:00.003-05:00

I apparently told everyone the wrong day for finding out the baby's gender. I'll find out on the 13, so next Friday. Sorry about that! Have I ever told you the story about when I was pregnant with E and I got into the car to go to work and found I didn't have any pants on? It was hilarious. Pregnant Brain is real, and horrible.

I received two wonderful pieces of news today!

News the first: My sister is engaged! Her boyfriend, er, fiance', asked her this morning. Her ring has tanzanite. They met in geology class, and this has been her favorite stone since, so it's perfect. And her fiance' is awesome. I am so damn happy for my little sister! It's going to be extra fun, because E is going to be a flower girl and I'm going to be a MATRON OF HONOR. It just seems like it needs caps. I sound like a tank: "MATRON OF HONOR." Too freaking cool.

News the second: My cousin has finally broken up with the white trash motherfucker who proposed while he was in Iraq then proceeded to get at least two other women pregnant just before and after returning to the States but not "home." He only came "home" when one of the women came after his ass for child support. I do not like this (I wrote man, but he's not) asshole, and I am thrilled my cousin has come to her senses. She thinks it was hormones keeping her with him, because she was pregnant and/or nursing until a month ago. She said as soon as the baby weaned itself she realized what an ass this guy was. Hooray!